Debra H = just read your post.
My ex is exactly the same.
Pls can you post what happened next – my heart was racing reading what you typed. My ex is an alcoholic who is in love with him self, lazy, a show off, moody, never buys as much as a biscuit, treats me like a second class citizen, beyond difficult, inflated ego, no gentle or warm traits = infact nothing to admire or respect yet I am gutted over our relationship not working out.

Hi Lilly Hope,

Thank you for writing and I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, sister. The “soul mate affect” is a term that I gave to the very feelings that you describe but they are feelings that HE creates in you. It works because we ALL want it – even you – and a narc knows this and learns to play it well.

You say How could such a heartfelt gut emotion engrained in the deepest part of my soul be such a lie? How could I be so wrong? but the truth is that YOU weren’t wrong at all. YOUR feelings were REAL based on HIS fakery and these people are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be who they are. It’s not abnormal for you to assume that the person that you love is telling you the truth. How were you supposed to know? Your narc – as they all do – figured out what you wanted most in a relationship and mirrored it back to you. This is what they do. Again, it is WHO THEY ARE.

You can contact me here and I will respond. I speak with people all the time and see them through their recovery. I’m not saying it doesn’t take time and due diligence, but it is ALWAYS successful. Hang in there…I am here to support you:)

xo

I, however, still feel so ambivalent to the truth. He was so good. SO GOOD. Seemed so honest and real. How can that all be a lie? It is devastating coming to terms with this. I think the hardest part for me is that he retrieved or recovered in me a very sacred sense of belonging and security. Something I have only been able to describe in one word. “HOME”. And what that meant for me as a young girl was that I used to get very homesick being away from my parents and home for a long period of time. Being reunited with them and coming back home was such a wonderful, peaceful feeling where I knew I was back where I belonged and safe from all the troubles of this world. That is the feeling I experienced with him instantly. Within the very first moments of our interaction. Many I guess would call that the
“Soul-mate” affect maybe… but I really don’t believe in the soul-mate concept.

Anyway, this fact alone is the absolute hardest part amid this discovery process for me to reconcile. How could such a heartfelt gut emotion engrained in the deepest part of my soul be such a lie? How could I be so wrong? It is sickening and heartbreaking in every way if true. I am shattered and crushed in a way I never knew was possible.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. I would love to talk with you more and seek out more therapy and healing. Let me know how I can do that.

Hi Jane,

No, you are not a lunatic… much less a raving one! YOU, my sister, were never the problem. It’s a pretty empowering fact, isn’t it, given the fact that we spend almost the entire relationship thinking (and being told) the exact opposite? I’m grateful that you are free and thank you so much for sharing:)

Zari xo

Thanks, girl, and I appreciate you as well! You are perfect just the way you are and don’t ever forget that. No one’s self-worth should ever be based on the ideology of another person – never – let alone one that is barely human at all. Carry on…you are four years out just like me and life, now, is whatever you choose to make of it. Be free and happy – you deserve it!

Zari xo

Michaela. U.K.

Hi GuyFromPhx,

Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt letter to that empty soul of a person that we all know here. Our lives become interchangeable, don’t they? I thought it was very beautiful……Stay strong and know that you are NOT alone by any means. Recovery is a team effort, brother:)

Zari (GirlFromTucson, btw!)

She did everything you mention in your articles, raised me up, she played a victim and talked about her ex-husband in the most horrific ways smearing him, saying he controlled her etc etc, but in the end it looks like nothing was really true because she made me crazy, stalker, lunatic in the eyes of her friends too when in fact, I did nothing but love her and it’s funny, most people with narcissists go through this same phase, where we look up their facebooks, instagrams, even after they block us (the silent treatment) and they know we will be looking especially then. And then they have excuse to keep painting us as controlling and crazy when in fact all we were looking for is answers, some closure, something as to why this happened. Unfortunately as that is exactly what they expect.

Funny enough, up until a few days ago I was still looking at her instagram and I know for a fact that she was looking at mine and you know, they are so cunning, she knew I was watching and when I post something on my instagram (sad, romantic, I’m going to hawaii etc etc) she posts something on hers that mimics what I do and deliberately trying to keep me hooked and wondering whether or not we are “soul-mates”, because that’s how she made me feel in the beginning.

Btw, here is my post to her on instagram that I deleted now because I know what the deal is but just for the sake of your poem, this is what I wrote:

=====
I am cruising the city alone this evening trying to heal my broken soul even though i know it is an impossible task.

I now know it was always you.

====

It is really sad, how low we go thinking this will get them back, when in fact they had absolutely no emotions or empathy towards us. It was all a game to them.

Hi Same Boat,

Thank you for sharing that summary of your time with the narc. You continue to do awesome, girl! You have run the race with this asshole and I dare say you have won. Stay in that mode. I have to tell you that tonight – TONIGHT – I am going to a show at a club here in town to support the members of my band that are also playing for another singer….and guess who may be there??? I don’t feel any anxiety, though. I feel mostly annoyed that I have to go. So my plan is to show up right when their first set starts (10pm), make sure they see me in the crowd, and then leave as soon as the set is over and before I have a chance to break from my peripheral vision. I will not look around and if he is there, I will walk right by. Maybe I should bring a few of my books to pass out to the people at his table! haha! He’s the kind of guy who will walk right up to me to say hi and maybe even try to chat. Good God…Well, I knew the circle would close if I got back into the band so it was the risk I took. He’s in a band too and he knows the guys in my band do chances are fairly good he’ll be there. Oh well..

As for you, you are doing amazing and all of your feelings and “look backs” are completely normal. It’s a process, girl, and we can only go at it at our own pace. I’m grateful we got to speak and I appreciate that you come back here to share:) You are now officially an inspiration that survival is possible! God Bless!

Love, Zari xo

Thanks again Zari and everyone for your posts and stories of inspiration! To those who are feeling like the pain will never end, I know what you mean… but trust me, IT WILL! But first, you must love and respect yourself and say “FUCK THIS!” and make a stand against your N’s abuse!!!

God bless !!

Hi Rainna,

I love your name, girl:) Look, in this, you are never ever alone, do you understand this? There are so many of these predators out there that I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re never going to know them off the bat. All we can hope for is that we get away quicker each time. It is NOT your fault. It was NEVER your fault. What happened was that it was probably too soon to get back in the dating thing. I’ve waited almost four years and now that I’m ready, I’m not sure if I really care! LOL Rest and relax and enjoy your life. If I were you, I’d try to put this one behind you and keep moving forward. Don’t let it set you back. The fact that you got out AFTER THIRTY YEARS of being with a narc – is the important event and you are an inspiration to every one here. This latest thing was just a glitch.

It’s nothing but a thing, girl! Stay strong and be happy. You are perfect just the way you are. And you are FREE:)

Zari xo

Thank you Zari.

It gets better everyday, little by little. Sometimes I sit back and say to myself, “WTF?”. The memories of that time are still so vivid. I grew up in a quaint village on one of the Great Lakes. Water is an element I have an affinity for and I love boats. When the opportunity to buy a sailboat while living on the west coast, I was stoked!!! It’s been one of my dreams. I love the marine life out there, sea lions, otters, jellies. One summer the whales were so close you could see them from the beach. I so miss that lifestyle. The harbor where my boat was docked was a small fishing village, so I thought it would be similar to where I grew up.

At first I kept to myself. I didn’t know anyone there, and I was the only young single female living on her own boat amongst a bunch men. The N was the one who approached me, and he was nice. I had to walk by his boat everyday, and the funny thing was our boats were very similar, he had a Columbia and mine was a Coronado. Both made in the early 70s before the oil embargo, so they were made with thicker fiberglass hulls, and designed by the same naval architect. Of course I was happy to have made a new friend. I wasn’t interested in him at first, and met his girlfriend; however, she lived 3 hours south. I know he was jealous of my friendship with kid who was docked across from his boat. Us three all became friends, but I more interested in hanging with the kid because he was retrofitting his boat with renewable energy sources, and that was my plan. Also this kid had raced in the waters where I grew up! What are the odds!!! Awesome!!! We were like 3 peas in pod, until it seemed the harbor started putting some pressure on the kid and it was a sad day when he left. There’s just so much to this story. It’s gets complicated and messy. The N grew up in this small village, so everyone knows him, and this village also has an interesting history. I could probably write a novel.

If I could have just remained friends with the N; had never got emotionally involved with him, I probably would still have my job and my boat. When I finally gave in, I told him you have to make a decision, me or your girlfriend because I can’t continue to be intimate with you. It’s just not right and not fair to her. So he tells me breaks up with her. He never did. Every 2 weeks he would disappear. I figured it out when he said he went lobster diving. You have to go south, and she lived in the area where you go lobster fishing. I may not have grown up on the California coast, but I was researching the coast line because once I got my boat up to sailing spec I was going to take her south.

So for awhile we did this dance of me saying stay away from me, I’m not interested, you use and abuse. To eventually giving in, but he lived 4 slips away. Kind of hard to avoid each other. I had been an independent woman for awhile. I even like traveling to other countries solo. I relocated myself to California, knowing no one. It’s funny because in this moment I’m writing in somewhat of positive tone. There were so many cool things mixed into this, and when I’m feeling strong, I miss those aspects of the life I once lived, and not him. I haven’t mentioned the truly messed up stuff.

One of the troubling comments the N said to me out of the blue was, “I watched this documentary of these 3 friends sailing off to some islands together. It was 2 guys and one woman. The woman gets killed over jealousy”. And remember thinking, “WTF?”. I think this was in context to me telling both the N and the kid my plans about wanting to sail to the Galapagos. The kid had mentioned to me that I should ask the N for help with my engine because he gets jealous. I wasn’t even intimate with N at that time. The N would stop by my boat, almost everyday. I kept a captain’s log of all my visitors.

There’s so much I could write about it. The last couple of days I’ve been distracted with the memories relating to this guy. And the closer I get to finishing and submitting my admissions project, the more anxious I get because he works in the city where the school is, San Francisco. He knows I will eventually be back there. He knows I will be looking for another sailboat. He had called me back in Dec 2015. When he called me I was shocked, and was happy to hear from him. Forgot all about the trouble he caused, the pain, the emotional and physical abuse, the stalking, the hole in my boat, etc. We talked a few times until one day I freaked out because he started calling to talk about how he was cheating on his girlfriend again (the one he never broke up with), the new girl found out he has girlfriend. It brought me full circle. I said I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Told him he has personality disorder, and told him how I see the true him; how he is manipulative; displays textbook traits of a narcissist. Said I’m working on getting my life back together and I’m not available for him. He doesn’t know what school I’m applying to. I’m afraid he will come looking for me. I don’t want to have to be looking to see if he’s in some parking lot watching me come and go. However this time I will have some support. A guy I used to play co-ed frisbee with, saw my FB post about when I return to Cali I may have to get an order of protection. He contacted me saying his wife works in one of the county departments that deals with domestic violence. He gave me her contact info if I need any help. It was such kind gesture. So thanks letting me share this. It helps.

Hi Nic,

It made me sad to read about your life on the sailboat and how you gave it all up. I hate narcissists. My hope for you is that you get back there to get your stuff and that you sail away happy into the vast blue ocean. Nothing but the best for you, girl…

Zari xo

Thanks for the support Emma…I appreciate you:)

Zari xoxo

Hi Joanne,

Yes, you are sooooooo much better off without him, girlfriend. Brush off that relationship amnesia and continue on. Remember that our suffering changes nothing and it never did. Therefore, we might as well be as happy as we can every day.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Kim,

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful but oh-so-sad words. All one has to do is read your poem and my poem and ANY poem written by a narcissist abuse victim and it’s easy to see why we’re all sisters and brothers in this…why we’re all connected together when we’re involved with these creatures. Recovery is a team effort and I appreciate you. Thank you again for sharing:)

Zari xo

A heart heavy with confusion
A burden as she waits
To watch the turning of time
Turn to the hands of fate.
Waiting expectantly for the next and final blow
Waiting for his heart to open
Waiting for his heart to know.

A solemn girl is what replaced
That beautiful, fragile, smiling face.
Desperate attempts to make him see
That smiling face may never again be,
Close to hold and tenderly kiss
Away from his grasp and achingly missed.

To vanish and leave behind
All that love and he once had in mind.
An ugly illusion of tears and confusion
And he just lets it slide
To cowardly to give of himself
So selfish to run and hide.

Never to love her like his own,
And claim her as his prize
Too selfish to see the hurt and pain
embedded within her eyes.
Risking all she believes in her heart, her soul, and mind
Making her love him for an indefinite period of time.

How she cries at night wishing he could see
All that she has to give him, how much better he could be.

So now this solemn girl, hurt and all alone
Hopes one way, maybe someday, he’ll make her all his own.
And if he should make the saddest mistake
And throw her away…

He may not see immediately the mistake
That he has made
But one day will come and she will be gone
And he’ll be the one alone.

Hi Mandy,

It’s okay, sister…I can feel the pain and bewilderment in your words. I hope we can speak too sometime. When you can, book a consultation so that we can work it out together. Talking with someone who “gets it” can be an amazing experience all around. Suddenly you feel invigorated and ready to fight for your sanity. It’s so isolating when we’re in the thick of it…but you never have to drown. I’m here if you need me….

Zari xo