Me too and mine too….xo

Hi Mark,

Kudos to you for making it through the pain and coming out the other end and thank you for sharing that with us! The reason why they might be willing to go into debt is because they don’t think about or care about consequence. It means nothing. When a narcissist is with you, they are not thinking that they will discard you in a week, a month, it’s just what they DO. If they go into debt over you, it’s just another thing that they will hold against you when it’s over. She can be the martyr. It appears to work in different ways when they are with other people but that’s only because narcissists are chameleons. Do NOT feel sorry for her because she’s really okay with it. This is just what she DOES. She doesn’t curl up a fetal position and wonder how her life has gotten so bad or why she can’t keep a man or find a good one. She just goes with the flow, causing destruction because she lives on the superficial side of life. Does that help to put it in perspective?

Stay strong,

Zari

This article is something else. Don’t know if you remember but I was discarded by a covert narcissist (Co-Worker) and she has continued the silent treatment since June of 2017. Going on a year next month. She has since selected an other co-worker as her victim and where I would pay for lunch, movies and stuff not only for her but her kids as well. This new guy, she brings him lunch, buys him lunch and have been told they are going on a trip to Florida on her dime. She is not high end or Mrs. Big as you describe it here, but do low ends as well go in debt to try and get supply? What is the purpose of going in debt if a narcissist knows at some point they will discard the guy?

Good news for me is now I can come into work and for 95% of the time not even feel hurt, depressed or feel like dropping on the floor crying. I now just feel sorry for the girl knowing that she lives a life of cat and mouse (control /validate control as mentioned in one of your articles). I cant see how she is missing out on such a wonderful life of intimacy and love. She is now eating lunch with us all as before; if you remember she would hide in her cubicle. She is now starting to smile at me as we pass by in the hallway and also making glances at me when we are near each other. I smile back due to courtesy, but keep looking down or at my phone when she does look over.

If you could please give me further insight on the first paragraph, as this just baffles my mind now. I should of become a shrink as this disorder makes me wonder how the mind really operates.

Tahnk You Zari

Hi Andy,

Let me assure you that the very fact that you are here and that you feel badly about things you have done…the very fact that you learned by your mistakes and took the time to come here and share…tells me LOUD AND CLEAR that you are NOT a narcissist. You may have done bad things and misbehaved and been hurtful and even cheated and ACTED in ways that were narcissistic but that doesn’t automatically make you a narcissist. Make your changes and promise yourself to be the best person you can be going forward. If you beat yourself up too much, you will only waste more time. Again, you are NOT a narcissist by the definition of what we discuss here. Trust me…if you were, you wouldn’t feel badly (you would still feel JUSTIFIED in your behavior and ENTITLED to behave that way) and you certainly wouldn’t be here apologizing for it. Best of luck to you, brother…

Zari:)

Reading through your pain and experiences just humiliates as I ponder the way I have behaved with money (I never cheated and am hard-wired for monogamy) with my wife, and how I have poorly managed our resources, leaving her with no way out financially.

I do not think I was conscious of how I was disempowering and abusing her, but that really doesn’t make it any better.

I pray that since my empathy was not always broken, this is a condition I have evolved into and can therefore move away from. I have loved this woman since I first laid eyes on her (22 years ago) if I cannot devolve back into the man she came to love, I can at least start doing what is in her best interest and support her as she moves on. I think I had rather lose her than have her hate me and I certainly cannot abide myself as the person I have become.

I wish all of you the best and am grateful for sharing your pain and abuse. In at least one case, it is helping to change one person and take him out of this horrid, self-absorbed place and I educate myself on how to translate “the best of intentions” to real, positive change. It is the hardest realization and lesson I have ever had to learn.

I have the similar scenario and hell yes it makes use aches and fed up thinking of the perks they receive after we left.. it’s as though we gave it to them with our hand. Like I could have stay on and refuse to break up with my ex as with have a kid but I deciding to cut him away and after knowing that i wont go back to him anymore he just totally go to the new girl and spree all the 5 star perks onto her.

Emma
My ex also said to me at one point after I discovered the affair that led to our divorce, “anyone would love to have your life”. He also makes sure I know about their trips.

Zari,

It’s so comforting to be validated! I do want to write a book, but my family feels like I am giving him too much energy, and I should just move on! They have never knowingly dealt with an N (we have an N in the family-they just thinks she’s mean). They just don’t understand why I was nearly destroyed in my last relationship…..it was perfect for months and then it wasn’t….I still don’t know why he disappeared in the end without a word. We had come to a civil relationship in the end….I had two deaths in my family, and he vanished without a word at the worst time in my life?!
I get that some folks don’t do “being there” well….but he just ignored me and disappeared. I emailed him and told him he went too far….he was too cruel…and I could never be with a man like him. That was on Jan. 6th…..and besides a few hang up calls from blocked numbers….I haven’t heard from him…..
I’m glad it’s over, but how can I trust again? I think trusted him with everything….he was my soul mate and we were in love…until he flipped out over nothing….I became the devil in his eyes….and I’m not even sure why?

We were perfect for each other-never one argument! Not to brag…but I am a great catch for any man….and he just threw me away?
I’ll never understand that…..

Hi Maryanne,

Thank you for reading the book and I’d love it if you’d leave a review on Amazon:) Good for you for getting out when you did. Seven years is long enough to put up with all the lies and deception. You deserve to be happy!

Zari xo

Hi TD,

It doesn’t take courage…just pick up the pen and write, girl! You gotta start somewhere and the more people bringing awareness about the epidemic, the better. I know it hurts but if you get it on paper, it’s very cathartic. You’ll heal faster than you ever thought possible if you just get started. I’m here to support you….

Zari xo

Once I was in love…..things changed. This was my 3rd N. Truth be told…perhaps my 5th. However, the first few were low level types….and personally cheap guys are a turn off to me….so the relationships never really got off the ground…

However, the 3 that did win my heart broke completely….

I love your books, Zari! I’m working on the courage to write my own!

Hi Andy,

The only reason my articles are “gender-based” is because 1) I speak from my own experience, and 2) referring to the narcissists continually throughout my articles as “her or him”, “he or she”, “hers or his” ruins the flow of the content. HOWEVER, I’ve written an article long ago that explains all this entitled To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners and I’ve also written a book called When Evil Is a Pretty Face just for the guys.

Without a doubt, female narcissists have their male counterpart beat HANDS DOWN in the evil department. I never doubt your suffering and I truly am on your side:)

Stay strong and write anytime, brother…

Zari xo

this article could have been useful, but it is gender biased. I’m a victim of 3 women in a row who are Narcissistic personality disorder. Mr. Big is Mrs. Big, and she had constant money issues, because she needed the high of flattery. Her father is a CFO and had to bail her out her entire life. He knew he’s enabling her behaviors. but Until I was given a article by a friend I didnt know she was NSPD. And I realized that the 2 before her were also. Now I am finally pulling out of the cycle of abuse. I’m still terrified of a repeat relationship of the next woman.

Hi Pearl,

You’re on the right path, girl! Just stay the course and you’ll be just fine. I’m a firm believer that you’ve got to experience this to “get” it and, for this reason, we’ve got to stick together. Recovery is a team effort!

Zari xo

Hi Zari, ……I had not talked or heard from him since the 14th of Nov. but I did get a text on Thanksgiving just saying, ” Happy thanksgiving to you”, at 9am. Good grief!! What the hell?? I was played as a wham bam thank you ma’am……..uuuuggggghhhhhh… I will get a new number after the holidays…….
Thank you so so much Zari!!!!…this feels wonderful to be able to share all this with you and others and to get great advice that really works and also I believe this will help me guide me into a better relationship with someone new……I will definitly send a couple of my girlfriends to your site…

Pearl,
Yes, I too think it’s normal to want these bastards to hurt but just make sure it’s not too far out of YOUR character…Every action has a reaction, make sure it doesn’t come back on you. Also, getting back at him still gives him power over you. BUT, it is a process. Getting over someone is tough. I did a few “get backs” before I got to a place of just letting go of him all together. I still have internal urges to get back at him when he emails me through different emails because I’ve blocked him. Or when he drives up alongside me as I’m getting out of my car and mentions things I’ve posted on FB when I’ve blocked him there too. Sometimes I do still want to fuck with his head by showing up at our old apartment that he still lives in and won’t take my name off of, fuck him and then leave without saying a word….I get how you feel, trust me…but he’s a sociopath/narcissist…he really doesn’t give a shit about what I do to get back at him because he likes the game. I would just be hurting myself so I just don’t respond to NOTHING! I’m on the other side of that struggle so nothing he says or does can bring me back into his web….I pray the same for you!

Pearl wrote…Is it normal to want to take his business cards (he gave me a bunch ) and write words like Liar, Cheater, Ass clown Jerk face, etc. on them and throw’em all over town. I want him to hurt!! Fuck yeah it’s normal! LOL If I can write a book about mine, what harm can a few business cards do??? ha-ha! If you think it’ll make you feel better, toss ’em to the wind!

Zari xo

Hi Zari, I do deserve to be happy and finally I found your book “When Love is a Lie” and I am not crazy. I am not crazy. Thank you so very very much…I was in a weak moment my cat of 20 years was dying he acted like he really cared….but he didn’t even ask what his name was…… Is it normal to want to take his business cards (he gave me a bunch ) and write words like Liar, Cheater, Ass clown Jerk face, etc. on them and throw’em all over town. I want him to hurt!! I want him to leave town. He’s got a new secretary this is why I’m getting the cold shoulder, I think… God I feel bad for her…. he is tough to work for.

Pearl,

Zari is right! It’s about control. Narcissists just want to see if they can get you back. It’s always a game. It’s been 8 months since my breakup with my N, 4 months since I cut him completely off and instituted the NO CONTACT rule. During this time, he hoovers for about 3-4 weeks before he shows up somewhere. He’s blocked on FB but somehow he’s able to see my page. Last month I posted that I took Zumba trying to boost members for the teacher, he shows up after a class as I’m walking to my car. I hadn’t seen him in weeks since he was waiting for me to come home one night and drove along side me wanting to talk. I spent a lot of time unraveling the emotional chaos he caused and became enlightened about a lot of stuff. Once you become enlightened, you can’t undo that. It released the bondage he had over me and gave me a path to trusting myself more than anything or anyone. That gave me a tremendous amount of power, not ego power but internal power. Once I got that, he could no longer control me, not even a little bit. So when he pulled up along side me, I was strong enough to deal with him without getting sucked back in. But I would NEVER go to his home, allow him inside mine, allow him to touch me nor would I ever reach out to him for any reason whatsoever. I am totally fine if I never see him again in life. I don’t wish him harm but I don’t wish him well either. I hope this helps…

Pearl wrote… I stayed away from him for 2 years but within the last 2 months he has sucked me back in…I caved and had sex with him last week (which was awesome) and now he is giving me the silent treatment uggghhhh!!!!! Let this be a lesson to all of us!

Hi Pearl,

It actually makes perfect sense because all the narcissist wants – even after two years – is to see if he still has what it takes to lure you back down the rabbit hole. It’s SO evil but it is what it is. I’m sure he figured 2 years was about right for the full memory of his shenanigans while you were together to have faded just enough. I know you’ve read my book…well, guess what? Guess whose been hoovering? The N from my books. Quiet little familiar knocks at the door three separate times (which I didn’t answer), a FB friend request (which I deleted), the plants from my plant stand on my apt stoop dumped upside down on my welcome mat (so I just picked up the mat, walked inside, & put them back together – no muss, no fuss!), strange calls to my son’s phone which is the only phone with a number still good from our time together. And it’s been three years!

So, stay strong, girl! Don’t let him know it hurts. Act as if you got laid and you’re happy with that and block his number. Although it feels major, consider it a minor setback. Tell him to fuck off…to crawl back under the rock he came out of. – Come up from the rabbit hole – you deserve to be happy!

Zari xo