Many of us already know that the old joke – How can you tell a narcissist is lying? Because his mouth is moving – is nothing short of the absolute truth. Everything a narcissist does and everything he/she says is a fabrication in some way….a sleight of hand, a devious magic trick…used by the narcissist to distract us from what’s really going on. These tricks are also used to manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. You may be familiar with the narcissistic tactic of gas-lighting where a narcissist or sociopath diminishes the truth of a victim’s own words to make her feel crazy or to convince her that she’s overreacting and/or delusional. You may be familiar with triangulation where the narcissist uses passive-aggressive means to make you feel jealous about every little thing. Simply put, no matter what the victim is thinking, the narcissist will tell her it wrong, wrong, wrong when the truth of the matter is that her intuition is ALWAYS spot-on.
You can easily turn the narcissist’s ploys into your advantage. If you want to know exactly what your narcissistic partner is up to, simply listen and observe:
- When a narcissist partner is being nice, it’s typically because he has a devastating discard or, at the very least, a silent treatment planned for you in the very near future. When a narcissist can catch us off-guard, he gets the most bang for his narcissistic buck. It’s no fun hurting his victim if she knows it’s coming. So, beware of narcissists bearing niceties.
- Whenever a narcissistic partner accuses you of something, it’s because that is exactly what he’s up to at that moment in his life. If you pay attention to this, you will see that it is fool-proof. Oftentimes, we’re too busy getting hysterical over a narcissist’s ludicrous accusation to stop and and listen to exactly what he’s saying. And while an N will never admit to a wrongdoing, he will, in fact, accuse you of what he happens to be doing. Quietly consider every accusation as an admission and do your investigation from there. Trust me, it works.
- Whenever a Narcissist unexpectedly feigns sickness or throws a fit and stomps off in the middle of a heated conversation or attempts to otherwise distract you from the topic at hand, it’s likely that you’ve just said something or alluded to something that he’s guilty of. His immediate behavior is nothing more than a distraction reaction. Keep this in mind for the next time it happens…what was the last thing you said??.
When you’re involved with a someone with a narcissist personality, nothing – and I mean nothing – is as it seems and everything is intended to be a distraction from the real thing. When you get that nagging feeling that something is very wrong behind the scenes, don’t doubt yourself or allow him make you feel that you’re being delusional. When he starts creating narcissistic chaos and turmoil, look beneath the actions to see the actual truth that he’s hiding. When it comes to the N, you’re first instincts will always be right.
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Once you realize the smoke and mirrors antics for exactly what they are, you are well on your way to knowing exactly what this monster is up to during any given moment. Turn his narcissistic ploys into your advantage. Like children, narcissists will always give themselves away. In essence, a narcissist will “tell on” himself by accusing you of what he’s really doing behind your back. The more you know what he’s up to, the more likely you’ll be able to give up the need for closure and go no contact without falling apart from the get-go.
You must learn to read between the narcissistic lines.