Hello 🙂 …Hi zari
Thank you for your response, blessings & good wishes sister…they are greatly appreciated. Since last writing you, & returning to your site to read more of your articles & more of other readers stories, I came across one particular post from another subscriber that had for a spell, outwitted her “N” partner by creating a psudyom dating profile.
I have had many thoughts as to what indeed I might share with you & the other readers next, when there have been so many, it is hard to know where to start.
So,tonight I thought I would share with you an outwitting of my own. I think she (the author of that post) yourself for sure and indeed some of your readers will appreciate this.
I was never one for some gadgets…the computer being one…nor did I ever have a job where the use of one was required…that was the “N’s” domain at home & I did not mind…but… I am an observer…& a quick study & did work as the head of security for a major company at one time…an “n’s” worst nightmare…like you say… My story tonight starts when my N left our home… for work in another province…first time ever…It was his bigest discard moment in our 24 years. He had always worked local… but because I was in the process of standing up to him & starting to regain some of my power back…he felt of course that he had to up the anti…& take a job that would see him away for months at a time…home for a week in between…that way, he would be in control again…or feel he was in control of us again. When he left, I cancelled the internet & took back the modem…some of the accounts were in my name only…the phone & inertnet was one…The computer sat there for about 5 months untill one day…it donned on me…turn it on…see what you can find without internet…I had not gone near one unless I was looking at the screen when he was showing me something…& what I managed to find…was a bunch of big surprises…as you would imagine. Now here’s where the story gets somewhat sweeter. prior to this, with the help of a friend, I had been using their computer to correspond with my spouse…for the purpose of sending back & forth seperation agreements & legal documents & the like. & it hit me…my spouse had connected his laptop remotely to his computer before originally leaving & not being the brightest crayon in the box sometimes, he I assumed had left it that way & for good reason & I figure that he probably did not fully understand the whole concept of remote accessing or if he did it did not fizz him because he believed it had been disconnected…and many times underestimated me…but I let him get away with most cause I really did love the idiot… So I wrote him an email one day saying how unfair it was to my friend that I was having to use his as he uses his for his business & that I might be becomming a nuisance…. he was busy discarding everything so he had no problem when I asked if I could have “our” computer…he replied with yes you can have both of them & here is one of the passwords. Bingo…so I got full ownership & a password & email proof of it all & reordered internet. as soon as I hooked them up…it immediately recognised my previous credentials as owner of the account…same as before…I got advice from google & searched every inch of that computer inside & out untill I I had 3 other passwords that were well hidden…I was then able to spy on his every move ( but not ever in any way that he could tell) nor did I ever change anything…not a dot on a i or a cross on a t or a penny…I had access to everything…his bank, his phone, his email, his dating site info, his letters to everyone!!! and proof of the porn sites…etc etc etc…in other words…the works…I knew already his every move from living with him for so long…so nothing surprised me but the fact that…everything was still being done exactly the same as before…proof as we now know that they do not change for others either…their game is the same only different players involved that replace us…proof they are no more happy where they are …or living a better life like they try to get us to believe…their only happiness is in believing they have got something over you.
I did this for 6 months. every day, untill he returned…with his new girlfriend in tow… He did nothing out of the ordinary except spend my support money on everyone & gave me all the proof I needed…he was mortified as you would expect at me having had this private inside hidden camera into his life that he wanted me to believe was so much better without me…& you can bet I paid for it…& still am…cause the fun just never stops…but boy…what a victory at the time… it was a one off for sure…we…whom ever they choose as mates are the stronger ones…they are the weaker of the two in these relationships, their life long goal is always to be in controll… in order to do this, they feel they must take away our power to level the field…they know that if they don’t, that they will never achieve the greatness they seek as we will in their minds always out shine, out perform & out love them. & they hate us & themselves for it…but can not stop from doing it…hope you enjoyed that small victory story…thanks for listening…one small leap for human, a giant leap for human kind…blessings & love to all X’s

Hi Elaine,

Thank you for writing…I love your insight and that fact that you’re a survivor of the “Danse” although it continues..good for you. If you ever get a chance, read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will, no doubt, resonate with you…indeed, our lives become interchangeable when we’re involved with these monsters. Thank you for sharing and feel free to write anytime and respond to posts. Your wisdom is always appreciated here….

Blessings to you for the New Year! Be free and be happy!

Zari xo

Hi Ashmom,

Yes, acting as if they’re invisible is the appropriate response! Turn and walk the other way. And if they see us first and come over, then we act as if they’re invisible and we’re deaf. LOL

Zari xo

Zari, many thanks for replying and devotion to help others out of these messes. I keep up with your blog/news on this subject and other blogs, articles and books. I like to do my ‘research’ on things and certainly this subject qualifies to get back my sanity! I hope the people he still talks with do realize his assholeness and don’t get hurt. A lot of guys say he is an ass. It’s almost horrifying to realize since Ns mirror people that is who we are enamored with and then broken by in the end, ourselves! But we are also being shown our true good selves so that could be a positive. No wonder it’s a real mindfuck! I figure if I do see him I’ll act like he’s invisible and if he’s stupid enough to talk to me I’ll be gladly ignorant!

Hi Ashmom,

Yup, it sure appears that they all follow the same pathological relationship agenda whether their lovers, spouses, siblings, parents, co-workers, or just “friends”. but here’s the deal: it’s in no way abnormal for us to assume that the person that we are focused on and care about is telling us the truth at any given time. It’s not abnormal for us to trust this person’s intention. This is why we have the tendency, at least for awhile, to give these monsters a pass. It’s unfathomable that what they’re doing is deliberate…it goes against the norm of what we know. And then time passes and before you know it, we’re in it up to our eardrums. So much of it is passive-aggressive too and this is why we end up looking like whiners to anyone outside of the relationship. Yeah, it’s a fucking mess alright.

I’m glad you’re out of it and that you don’t have to see this person every day even though you’re in the same place. Friends like that you definitely don’t need. As for what he says to others, as long as you stay silent, offering no opinion whatsoever, he’ll end up looking like the asshole that he is. Trust me, I know. There is power in your silence when it’s over. His mouth runneth over and the world does see it, girl. It’s just that they’re as dumbfounded as we were once and they haven’t quite figured it out yet. Narcissists are good at what they do and it just takes a while

Stay strong and be happy! I’m here to support you…:)

Zari xo

Dear MissB,

You’re not alone, believe me. Crossing boundaries is a narcissist’s favorite thing to do and everyone here has allowed their boundaries to be breached many times over. The truth is that our boundaries – once we create them and commit to them – are our #1 DEFENSE AGAINST THE PREDATOR. If you can, download my book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing from Amazon because it’s a workbook-style recovery book that has an entire section devoted to creating boundaries. I think it would help you:)

Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo