My narc was an “addict” and so are thousands of others…either drink or drug or both. However, not every narc is an addict so I don’t feel that it’s a surefire thing. My thinking is that addiction is a good excuse for a narc’s behaviors but mine did the same things sober. In fact, many narcs are even more evil when they’re sober because THEN they are narcs with a clear head and watch out! I have no doubt the addiction doesn’t help with the physical abuse though because that usually intensifies if it exists to begin with.

You are doing the right thing by breaking up. If you can, book some consultation time with me so that we can talk about and work through it. I’d need much more information to make a full analysis of the situation but I’m more than happy to help.

Zari xo

my narcissist bf just dumped me and he keeps calling me a slut even tho he is the one who cheats and lies etc. I have never been so f—– hurt in all my life. i keep having the same stupid relationships over and over and I am sick of it. all I want to do is have someone to love and love me back not some sex addict who wants to do every broad he sees. he even tried to post naked pics of me on craigslist!
JERK. I am 54 years old and I think I am doomed to be alone. he wasted 7 years of my life for nothing and even wrecked my new car.

Hi Kyle,

Finding getting back to you and I’m sorry for the delay. I’d like you to read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about female narcissism in relationships. I think it may offer some insight into what happened to you and how she manipulated the situation and your feelings. I am going to my email right now to send you a copy to the email you’ve used to make this post. In fact, I just did it now so look for it.

Female narcissists are something else, that’s for sure. Whereas male narcissists are actually pretty good about providing compliments when they really want something, a female narcissist will come right out and roll her eyes at any activity that you do that has nothing to do with her. And by the way, my ex-husband (my son’s dad, not the ex of my books) was a helicopter pilot for the Army so, as an Army wife, I was around chopper pilots and various crew members all the time. Believe me when I tell you -THEY’RE ALL LIKE THAT. IF THEY FLY AT ALL, THEY’RE GOD. So, the fact that your ex worked on a med chopper AND happened to be a narcissist (even more so, I’m sure, than the job requires! LOL) tells me that YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, MY FRIEND. Female narcissists have their male counterparts beat hands down without even having to go up in the air as it is! You have no reason on this earth to feel down on yourself, lacking identity, etc. YOU were not the problem – ever. Do you understand this? Also understand that she is never going to change – not for you or for anyone before or after you.

Please read the book that I sent you because I believe it will bring you some comfort and hopefully empower you to feel better about life. You deserve to be happy! Also know that I do provide phone consultations if you ever feel the need to talk one-on-one. You’d be amazed how speaking with someone who understands the dynamics of this type of relationship can change things.

Stay strong, brother…I’m here to support you!

Zari xo

Hey hope you respond, I am basicly out of a relationship with what I believed was a heavily narcisstic woman. It only lasted 9 months but felt insanely real/intense/passionate and over the top. There were weird things going on from nearly the beginning about that I couldnt call her because ‘of the ex’ and something to do with children custody.

The dynamic was messed up from the beginning but I thought I could keep my feelings out and it was fun hooking up with a hot woman. The sex was insanely dangerous but hot.

Anyway the damage she did was pretty massive but I canthelp but think I was the ‘weak one’, it would be things like ‘I;ll call you monday’ and nothing, and only a week later ‘oh so glad to hear your voice!

She worked on a medical helicopter so she ENDLESSLY (like every day we talked) talked about how cool she was, how many people she saved, etc etc. I would tell her things I did that were objectively ‘cool’ like rock climbing, jumping from a plane, harleys, and it was always ‘thats boring/dangerous/dumb’ followed by ‘well I got a call, got to go fly, buhbye~!’

Long story short, found out she was married and living with husband, claims no sex, I actually believe her but the potential drama is WAY too much, I was depressed and totally lost my identity with her (is this normal?). I cut her loose, and it was hard, but I know it was right, the problem is the identity damage is still real, I feel like a ‘loser’ that my life is boring, that flying around a helicopter is the highest thing a human can strive for…

any help? Thanks for the website and and response!

D wrote...It has taken me a year to get over him. I didn’t want to let the memories of the awesome sex go. But my last stage was knowing he did a great performance, It was just that!

Yup, the hardest thing for me to get over as well. But when you sit back and realize that it IS a performance and that he will perform that same way for someone/everyone else, the sex takes on a very different meaning. Suddenly, without that one thing to miss in the way that we so sadly missed it, freedom comes much easier.

Stay strong!!

Zari xo

Thank you Dorothy Miller! Feel free to log back in and use any name that you want…we want you to keep coming back! I’m grateful that you found the book helpful:)

Stay strong, girlfriend!

Zari xo

Hi just read your post, so right I’m a little fixer, always look for the good in people and generally a nice person, my N homed in on this and chipped and chipped away at me always using the premis, that I needed looking after we even had the joke about layers of cotton wool, I’m not saying it’s not nice to have someone look after you.. But you need to breathe through the cotton wool , keep up the good work warning other people of these people keep strong xxx

It’s been a few months since I’ve last submitted a post but I am back because I need some of your helpful advice. Currently, I am on month five of NC and for the past four months of NC, I haven’t snooped online to look for info about my ex — that is until this past Friday. I went online and checked two of his email accounts. After I snooped, I instantly felt horrible because I saw a picture of the OW that he discarded me for through triangulation.

Deep down inside I felt awful because I was hoping that they weren’t together. I know that I shouldn’t have peeked. Since Friday, I’ve been ruminating like crazy about my xN and I really feel terrible. Is it normal to regress when I’ve been doing so well by not peeking before? It was like that day I just kept thinking, “I wonder what he’s up to?”, and I looked.

I can’t even believe that AFTER 5 MONTHS he hasn’t changed his passwords. I on the other hand, changed my passwords and blocked him from my email, cell phone, and house phone.

Another thing Zari, I’ve been seeing his birthday (which is next Friday), pop up out of nowhere more than a little bit. Even one of my best friends was talking to me about a special event and when she said the date, I said, “OH NO!” because, it’s the same day as my xN’s birthday.

Is that a sign? What do you think? Now, I’ve been constantly thinking about his birthday coming up and I can’t help but to think about how he’ll be with the NS, laughing and having a great ole time. Meanwhile, I am here going bonkers and putting energy into him, and he’s living his “Happy Life”.

Do you have ANY suggestions or advice on how to handle when their birthdays come up? What should I do?

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling this way lately when I’ve been doing way better before.
Anyway, I thank you for taking the time out to read my message!

Best,
Starting_Anew …or trying!

Hi Cindy,

Thank you for writing and, while I’m not going to tell you that spreading the truth is “wrong” (because we all want to do it), I am going to tell you that it is the wrong thing to do and here’s why: 1) it’s exactly what he wants so that he can make you look like the crazy one, 2) the only reputation that will get ruined by it is yours (no matter how many friends you believe are on your side), 3) the kids are not going to “get” the point of your ranting on Dad and they’re probably feeling bad enough, and 4) there is BIG POWER in saying nothing because then HE looks like the piece of shit that he is. Seriously, say nothing for all the aforementioned reasons with the biggest reason being that narcissists always dig their own verbal grave (even if it doesn’t appear that way). Trust me. I know from experience.

Cindy, I know you’re pissed but I’m telling you like it is. Nothing you say is going to make any difference – to him or to the crowd. I’m not saying that you have to cow down – no way – but I am saying that showing nothing but DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE when you see him and saying nothing to the local crowd about your business IS ALWAYS GOING TO PUT YOU IN THE BETTER LIGHT. Plus, it will piss him off. It’s the best revenge.

I’m just went to my email and sent you a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie because I want you to read it now. I also included a little note. I sent it to the email address you used to post this comment so please look for it. There’s so much to say. Please read my book and let me know your thoughts. You can be the winner and have the best revenge ever – but you have to step out of your comfort zone to do it.

Stay strong and I’m here to help in any way that I can…

Zari xo

So happy for you Christine. I’ve been in a loving relationship now for a long time. I appreciate my whole experience as horrific as it was. I love the song “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” So true! My second fav is “now your just somebody that I use to know”. I’m glad you retained your nurturing good qualities yet have stronger boundaries and respect for yourself. You are on the right track and it’s all good. Hugs to you and agree…..God bless Zari!!!

Bethd, amen to that! You really took the words out of my mouth. Without my narcissist now (it’s now been 10 months of no contact), my life is so much better than I ever could have imagined. Now I’m dating a truly kind, thoughtful and giving man who gives me everything that I wanted from the narcissist, but could never get. As with anything in life, it isn’t guaranteed and who knows how long it will last–but even if it ends tomorrow, a breakup with a “normal” guy would feel like a pin prick compared to the emotional stabbing I got from the narcissist! In a perverse way, my narcissist unintentionally gave me some valuable (if harsh) life lessons and some courage. Knowing that I can go through and survive such a horrific emotional experience showed me a certain strength I didn’t even know I had. Before this experience, I was one of those empaths you speak of. I still want to retain that nurturing, empathic quality, but also learned how to still respect myself and look out for my own needs too.

Bless Zari and the others out there shedding light on these narcissists, so that people will learn their lessons and then extricate themselves from this situation, as I did. Life can be very beautiful, but only AFTER leaving the narcissist. I only gained a better life after getting out from under the narcissist’s toxic influence and learning to focus on myself again. Hugs to us all! Our real destiny is so much greater than the narcissist.

Done:) From now on, just put Rosemary and we should be all good….

Zari xo

Could you please delete my surname ‘Stevens’ from my post as I did not realise that my full name would appear in public. Many thanks.

Hello,

I’m not sure what you mean when you say “christian name” but if you explain, I’ll be glad to do it and I will delete or change your posts accordingly. Please let me know. You can always create an email address just for posting here and use a fake name so that you feel comfortable posting freely. In fact, considering your fear, I would prefer that you do that. It’s easy to do and everyone here does it, believe me. My first concern is that you feel safe and secure but I also want to provide you the support that you need:)

Zari xo

Thank Ms.Beth! Always happy when you stop by to share a wise word:)

Zari xo

Please can you amend this to show only my christian name. Many thanks. Rosemary.