Does a Married Narcissist Ever Leave His Wife?

A married narcissist, out of all narcissistic predators, causes the most angst to partners simply because he or she is more polished in the art of manipulation. You would think that a married narcissist would be more subdued in his pursuit of a secondary source of supply but he is not. He is gung-ho for the chase and will give his (or her) all during the love bombing stage as if the fact that he is married is nothing more than a minor detail. The pursuit process and the affair itself share no similarities to, say, how a “normal” married guy might go about it as he stumbles upon someone he finds attractive. No, the process of is completely different and it is this difference that sets the stage for the inevitable confusion and anxiety that befalls a target when the narcissist never gets around to leaving his wife.

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So, are there times when a narcissist will actually leave the wife and family to make good on a long-term affair? Sure, but it is a very, very rare occurrence and typically only happens when the wife calls him out and calls it quits. As long as the wife puts up with cheating or chooses to take him or her back, believing that the affair is over (which it never is), the narcissist will stay married until the end of time.

The girlfriend of a married narcissist will hear a myriad of excuses for why he hasn’t gone through with a divorce, all based around plausible deniability. In 95% of the cases, the divorce was never started but the narcissist can keep an affair dragging on for years and years simply by saying that it has and giving periodic bogus updates. So many women that I speak with have been fed ridiculous excuses for ions and it isn’t until they relay each one to me in a consultation and I pick it apart that they begin to see the light. I’ve come to the conclusion that a married narcissist is one of the most ferociously convincing deceivers on the planet.

In Part II, I will discuss more about the emotional fallout of loving a married narcissist but for now, I simply want to stress one all-important point: the married narcissist does not intend to ever leave his wife and family unless the time comes that he is literally kicked out the front door. It’s just not going to happen. And make no mistake – it’s not because he loves and adore his wife and children. He’s not going to leave his wife simply because he does not and has never felt that it was necessary! Where a “normal” guy who has a long term affair knows in his heart of hearts that he is doing something bad and must make a decision, a narcissist see neither as applicable to his situation. A married narcissist will say whatever his wife and lover need to hear in order to keep his charade going and then be damn proud when he gets away with it.

Compartmentalization is Key

Compartmentalization is the key to how a married narcissist handles his situation. Certainly all narcissists compartmentalize but the married narcissist is the King Pin master of how it’s done. To his lover, just as he did during the pursuit, the narcissist can make it appear that his married life is so far down on his totem poll that he can come and go as he pleases without question. If he feels pressure from the mistress, he simply books a luxury vacation somewhere tropical and off they go. The mistress, seeing that the narcissist is stress free, is all the more convinced that the marriage is on its last legs or possibly even over. The truth is that she is living in a compartment custom tailored to meet the narcissist’s extra marital needs. The wife is simply home in her compartment thinking her husband is away on business or away with friends. She, like the mistress, chooses to believe The Lie and the married narcissist gets the best of both worlds.

Like all narcissists, a married narcissist is not plagued by guilt, remorse, and anxiety when he or she does something wrong. A married narcissist does not consider the feelings of the spouse or lover when he subjects them to lies and shenanigans unless he feels he might get caught.

If you are a long-term lover of a married narcissist, you need to realize is that he’s been caught and forgiven 100 times over throughout the affair by his suspicious wife. No matter what he tells you, his wife does not hate him or cheat on him and she’s not a psycho. She does not ignore or neglect him or feel indifferent to the fact that his behaviors are suspicious and that he could possibly have a girlfriend. And, most important of all, she does not sleep in a separate bedroom and yes, he even has sex with her if he feels he needs to and maybe even because he likes it. Just because he is texting you at midnight does not mean he has his own room in the same way that his wife receiving texts and, more likely, phone calls on the weekends does not mean that he’s really away on business.

A married narcissist, when he needs to, always finds a way to make both sides happy so that he can continue his charade…this is part of the thrill of the game. Why on earth would he ever give it up? For all narcissists, let alone a married narc, life isn’t half as much fun if there is no one’s back behind which to do evil things.

Stay tuned for Part II where I will discuss the emotional fallout of a long-term romantic involvement with a married narcissist.

Are you involved with a married narcissist? Please leave your comments below!