seaserpentdesign…you got that right!!

Hi Nicole,

So sorry it has taken me so long to respond, girl. You will find the answer to every one of your questions in my articles…I have covered every topic imaginable. Please go the category tab in the right sidebar and start reading. There is no easy answer but the information I provide PLUS the stories of all the people who come here to the comment section will give you amazing insight.

Be careful about focusing on yourself too much…blaming yourself…and I have an article on that too. Blame is very non-productive because all it does is carry on the narc’s legacy through your recovery. YOU were not the problem, HE was. It’s all about changing your perspective of what he is and accepting how he’ll never change. When things are broken and can’t be fixed, even if we still feel attachment, it’s best to simply throw them out or else they will continue to consume precious space. It is what it is…

Stays strong,

Zari

Narcs don’t get bored with their life. It just is what it is. The game, for them, just never gets old…

Hi Whatsisface,

I appreciate the post so I won’t “recoil”. LOL Thank you for sharing!

Zari:)

Now that I know how she works, what she eats? ‘Little bit like keeping a pet cobra. They hesitate to bite you with the knowledge that you feed them, and that hesitation is just enough to snatch your hand back as long as you’re vigilant. One of the horrifying eye-openers in all this is like attracts like. We have the same sort of upbringing and often some of the same personality traits. It’s just a question of degrees and certain personal limits. I’m probably a little bit narco myself (don’t give me that recoil, I’m working on it…) I don’t trade in fear or guilt, but I am huge on obligation; if I do you a favor, I want it reciprocated some day. If you do me one, it will be, I’ll see to it. …We’ve all got some critical wound or secret our parents gave us that’s like a hole in your heart a narc will promise to fill and then widen while they try to fix their own. Start digging.

I know this seems cavalier, but take heart that you can get to the point of resigned amusement about it all. If you can’t hack what they’re doing to you, you have to work on yourself, not focus on them.

Dearest Sonja,

I am so terribly sorry for your situation and I can only imagine the pain. As you know, your sister is behaving VERY badly – almost to the point of it being UNFORGIVABLE. From a narc, we expect this type of horrendous, hurtful behavior but not from our own sister! He is doing this on purpose and she is playing right into it. This being said, what she is doing is WORSE in my eyes and there is something dark under her actions. As hard as this is, she need NOT be in your life right now as you continue with your recovery. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR at six years in, sister, and these two people do not have a single thing to do with it. You are RIGHT to be separated from this man and he deserves an even further punishment. After 37 years of hell, I hope that you are getting financial support from him and if not, DIVORCE HIM so that you be sure to get it. Do not allow him to cause you further stress. He is hanging out with your sister to hurt you to the bone and it is UNACCEPTABLE. He will never ever change – never.

As for your sister, she is committing the ultimate betrayal. And I don’t care if she’s sleeping with him or not. She shouldn’t be speaking with him – let alone seeing him out – AT ALL. I have a feeling that she has always “liked” him and he has always known this so as soon as you were separated – and maybe even before – he jumped on it because what better way to hurt you? Again, from him, I would expect this but from her? HELL NO!! I know she is your only remaining family member but she is not really “family” at this point because true family would NEVER do this.

Focus on YOU, sister. This is about YOUR life. I say cut them both off completely and focus on you and you alone. If you can still be here fighting after six years of cancer, YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS glitch in the family matrix. Do you understand this? You are an amazing person and to hell with both of them!

Love to you, my sister…..please write anytime….

Zari xo

Hi Mary Ellen,

Thank you for writing and I’m grateful you found your way to my website. Don’t blame yourself for anything (it’s not allowed here – LOL!). All you did was fall in love and want to believe in the person you were in love with. The narcissist takes advantage of that and this is how we end up in the rabbit hole.

It truly is a live and learn situation, sister, and this is all that we can do in life. Now that you know exactly what you want and what you expect, go for it with gusto. I wish you all the happiness in the world….

Zari xo

He is not contacted me thank God, it´s been a month already. and I do not honestly think he will. I
think he already has another source of supply. A visit from his deceased wife´s
friend that is Malaysian and is divorced contacted him about 6 months ago to
tell him she is going to visit him in March. She is older than I am, 70,
but to a Narcissist age nor beauty matter, just what they can get from their
victim. So I know he is done with me, like me with him. At times I even
feel hate for him . Then other times I feel sorry for who he really is. I
feel so mad at myself for not seeing this sooner, but I sure did learn a
lot. Now I know what I truly want and expect in a healthy loving
relationship

Hi Lynsey,

Yes, the silent treatment is a killer. If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie because my story is all about that – the deafening silence and how I dealt with it. The silent treatment was my narc’s favorite thing to do – and the blocking. he controlled all of the communication. It nearly made me insane. There are articles on the silent treatment all over this website so please read them. You will survive it but you have to remain strong. No one should be allowed to treat us like that…like a piece of shit on their shoe. He certainly may return but I guarantee he will do it again and again, staying away just a little bit longer than the time before each time. My book explains all of it and how I mentally broke free from the madness.

Stay strong and turn every day into Silence Appreciation Day!

Zari xo

Yes, I am well aware that he would die without tons of female attention, so he’s not pining away for me for the past year. Thank goodness his many schemes, tactics and lies no longer work on me and I no longer even for a second wonder if he has “really changed”. After a long road, it’s a good place to be!!

Hi Lisa,

No, it will likely never end because he knows you are paying attention. It doesn’t even matter if you answer or respond as long as he knows you are listening and, therefore, he is in your head. You don’t have to get a NC order, girl…you just need to block him once and for all. You need to call your carrier and have his number blocked permanently so that he can’t leave messages AND keep him blocked on social media so that it is OVER. The fact that he can leave a message tells him that you are still on the hook and listening. He knows that you haven’t taken that final step and made it so he can’t call at all. Why do you need “to keep tabs” on his state of mind? I bet you didn’t know he drove by three times/week until he told you and I’ll you this: I bet he DOESN’T drive by like that at all (he just wants you to think he does).

The phone message situation is what is keeping him going. And I’m sure that you know that he isn’t pining for you at all…he is going about his narcissistic business as normal. When he calls and can’t leave you a message, he will likely fade out because to REALLY get in touch with you then will be too much of an effort. Until then, he is controlling you and keeping you from moving forward…you might not think so but he is and he knows it. I’m not sure what you mean when you say you want to “stay the course” a bit longer. It’s already been a year too long as it is.

Zari:)

I had an email notification that there were new posts here, so thought I’d stop back. I’ve been NC from my ex narc for just over a year now. I haven’t responded to a single hoover…..and they have been CONSTANT still. He is blocked on my phone and Facebook page, but my phone keeps voice mails in a “blocked” folder, so I do listen to them just to keep tabs on his frame of mind. After a year of nothing from me, he still leaves 3 minute messages (the max time allowed) all the time. He starts each one with “I don’t know if you will ever hear this but…” Sometimes I won’t hear from him for a couple weeks, but then he’s back. He will do stretches of leaving messages every day, then they will be less frequent, but they have never stopped. He tells me that he drives by my house a few times a week. On New Years Day, I got another “final farewell” voice mail (except that he said he still intends to write me a letter and will request that I acknowledge receiving it), but I have gotten at least 10 final farewells over the course of 3 years so I’m not getting my hopes up.

Does this EVER EVER end?? How is he still getting supply from me when I haven’t even acknowledged hearing his messages? He prides himself on “staying friends” with everyone he has dated (keep them handy for supply as I now understand), so maybe he can’t allow himself to lose at his game of controlling me? I just didn’t expect this level of staying power after I went totally NC.

I really don’t want to get a no contact order, because that means facing him at a hearing, etc. and possibly escalating him. He’s not threatening to hurt me, it’s all love crap talk, but I do consider him a stalker. I’m trying to just stay the course a bit longer.

Hi Genoveve,

I am pretty speechless at your story. Yes, he is a narcissist and also a sociopath and also a psychopath. I believe that he could kill you, I really do. I understand that you are traumatized but there are children involved here. This man wanted you to have sex in front of the children…you found him spooning your daughter…Good God. This “bad” that he is is as good as its ever going to get! How on earth can he be punching you in the throat, dissing you during childbirth, cheating on you, holding you hostage, yet he is turning people against you? Your own family? Are you sticking up for yourself I hope?

I believe that you hate this man but I do not believe that he will go to the UK. You have to make your own freedom, girl. You must disappear, block him, change your number, GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA…if you can’t do it for yourself, please do it for your daughters. Do you really think that he HASN’T molested them? I doubt very much they would even admit that it has happened given that he threatens…you must assume that it has. Look, I understand everything about staying with narcs and sociopaths that treat us like shit. I understand the addiction. But when these monsters become child molesters (real or perceived, it doesn’t matter!) and allude to sexual activity with your children and eventually their own, it all comes to an end. It has to.

Let this girl have him. Who cares? I hope and pray that he never comes back…you and your daughter will be just fine without him. But I would hide where he couldn’t find me. His jealousy all that time was just a projection of his cheating that entire time. Narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths will bombard you with so many accusations of cheating just to distract you from the fact that they are cheating the whole time.

The nightmare will not end unless you end it. Let him have his new girlfriend…let her take his punishments and abuse. I don’t even know what to say. Please find some help before something very bad happens. God Bless you, my sister.

Zari xoxoxo