You were correct in your assessment of a narc’s capability for compassion in the face of serious illness or injury to a child. The narc in question took off for a lengthy island holiday while his child remains in critical condition in ICU. I’ll save my sympathy for the mother.

Hi Larry,

Yeah, they have friends but usually only those that they can take advantage of. Very rarely are they ever alone – especially the women narcs. And it always appears at first that they have nobody but us but that’s not the case. The truth is that they are real good at keeping their worlds from colliding. Remember, “Backup” is a narc’s middle name.

Zari:)

Thank you again for your kind words, and understanding the situation

Not sure. if I can do a folllfoll here but
Here it goes.

Tell me do narcissist literally have no.friends in their life,? The narcissist I knew had no one In her life or a past.i believe it was because everyone gets tired of her and the shit she starts is never of her doing, yeah right..lol
Thank you

Hi Larry,

It sounds like you’ve been through the ringer. I promise you that you will come out of it. Yes, when we look back, we can’t wrap our head around the absolute lies and gas-lighting and distraction accusations but this must now confirm for you that she is what she is and nothing you could have ever done would have changed it. Be at peace, brother.

Zari xo

Anytime, girl….xoxo

Thanks so much Zari!!! I really appreciate it!! He tends to read and check up on ME which makes no sense at all to me!!! Hugs have a great day!!!

Consider it done!

Hello Zari … I recently like not 10 minutes
Ago left a
Long comment and accidentally used my real name on the topic of letting go
Of the N a little at a time…. I meant to use “raven” as my name and it used my full name inistials KH which I wouldn’t care if he did not watch my
Every move it seems!! Is there a way to
Change that? Thanks

Also from the Love Fraud website:

“First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.”

Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

https://lovefraud.com/getting-over-that-amazing-chemistry/

It isn’t some weakness on our part, low self esteem, insecurity, co-dependency, etc etc. Nor is it some magic spell he’s cast on us :).

It’s purely chemical. Our brains and bodies betray us. Instead of being in love, we are actually irrationally bonded to our narc because of “trauma bonding”.

I felt an immense sense of relief when I learned this! I wasn’t crazy or stupid. I was addicted to the love hormones my body “automatically” produced when I was with him!

“Our brain is able to connect to negative sources, sometimes with even more intensity than to positive safe sources. This is important to know because some bonds are detrimental and not based on love at all…The imbalance of chemistry can cause the victim to experience intense cravings and wanting her partner. But it is extremely difficult to think clearly when oxytocin and dopamine place such importance and value on the abuser. … This combination of neurochemistry (along with endogenous opioids) can create an addictive attachment that is difficult to break…. Having reactions of craving, dependence and withdrawal can occur even if the victim is aware that logically the partner is a poor or dangerous mate. Therefore, the decision to ‘stay’ is not really a decision at all. Rather it is an addictive response that brains can have to a relationship of this type.”

The Spellbinding Bond To Narcissists And Psychopaths – What’s Happening In The Brain?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-spellbinding-bond-to-narcissists-and-psychopaths_us_57a4dbabe4b034b25894cc8

Anytime Dana!…xo

Zari, thank you so much! Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. It literally takes all of my emotional energy to get thru the week, and I’d really like all of this behind me — every day at work is a narc show — don’t need to watch the these re-runs… I have two of your books now – I read thru on the weekends — great reminders until I can get completely free.
Take care and thank you again for all you do to help — SO appreciate it!!! xo

Hi Dana,

No, I have no specific articles about that although sprinkled within the many, many comments (stories) on this website are stories just like yours and my responses to it. Personally, I would start looking for another – and better – position somewhere else. As long as you stay there, unless you can learn to accept it and ignore it, this will always be an issue. It appears that you have been able to work there thus far and I can tell you that, if the relationship is indeed over and you are done, then you are at least through the worst of it. You can’t do much about having to see them and work with them but you can stay DETACHED and INDIFFERENT whenever you do and by practicing this, it hopefully will get easier. Still, if at all possible, I would put my feelers out for something better so I could be done with it altogether. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m wishing you luck across the miles….

Zari xo

Hi Leigh,

So sorry for the delay! To me, anyone who gets away from a narc after 25 years of hell deserves a big hug so I am sending you one across the miles:) Do not be embarrassed about ANYTHING and as far as I can see, you ARE a GREAT role model. The bottom line is that you are OUT and that’s all that matters. Live your life and be happy…you deserve it:)

Zari xo

Your welcome:)

Wow, Jay. Your ex is a total fucking asshole. I’m so sorry you went through that. Stay strong and stay no contact. This guy is scum, and he doesn’t even sound decent, smart or interesting.

Hi Jay,

That is a very sad story, my friend. I understand your pain but I also appreciate the fact that you told him like it is. You told the truth and he didn’t like it. YOU DESERVE BETTER. This guy, especially because he has HIV, is going to have a hard time finding a partner and therefore he will be hounding you until the end of time. Do not allow this…see it for what it is, painful or not. You are going to need support to stay strong. Consider booking some time with me, brother, so we can work on strategies for you sticking to your guns. YOU CAN PICK UP THE PIECES. Do not give up…you sound like a very compassionate, loving person and you deserve to be happy.

Zari xo

In late 2014, I met my would-be boyfriend. The first date was full of charm, excitement and left me feeling as though this guy really was interested in me.
We hit it off quite instantly and decided to jump into something more serious. I should’ve waited, but I was so young and completely naive.

The relationship was fantastic for 6 months, he truly seemed like Mr Right.

On one night, I woke up at about 2am and wanted to see the time. My phone was flat so I checked his.
To my absolute horror, I found many emails from a site called C*mtree, a site for people to sell sex for money. The emails were mostly from African male prostitutes/rentboys, with extremely large penises.

I can’t even begin to describe the pain and anxiety that went through my body that night. It was terror, and shock. I wanted to die on the spot. When i awoke him in my state, he asked me if I had taken pills… I showed him his phone in my hand, with tears all over my face. His response was “OK. Do you want me to leave?” Sure as hell, he left. No ‘Sorry’ or any form of responsibility.

Shattered, the next day I phoned him and asked why? Who? For what???

He told me he had not been taking our relationship seriously and would really appreciate it if I could find it in my (broken) heart to forgive him and try again.

I did.

Within a week i found new emails from the prostitute site.

I left him.

Repeat this process a couple of times and before I knew it, he would say things like “I like sleeping around, you can either accept it or leave, I don’t care!”

What’s scary is that I did. I was completely devastated and depressed. I lived each day feeling like an absolute NOTHING.

Then it got worse…

One day at work, he phoned me, and in a calm voice he told me I needed to get tested. He told me he has HIV.

Completely broken down and mortified at what I mightve done to my life by staying with this awful person, I went with him to a doctor to be relieved that I am Negative.

When we got back into his vehicle, he started crying. Showing emotions like I’ve never seen. He told me he was scared to be alone, and he has fucked his entire life up. This trick worked on me and I decided to stay with him, and we would not have sex.

This didn’t even change him. I couldn’t find evidence of cheating but he treated me like dirt.

Then one day, I left him. I met someone new, it was shortlived but it helped to distract me from my N.
Not much longer he managed to hoover me right up with his confessions and apologies, Sorry’s, I love you and only you’s.

As you can imagine, things got even worse. Every 5 minutes he would be break up with me. I begged him to take me to a counsellor so we could fix our problems. Eventually he did, and it was a bad idea. I opened up so much in the sessions that he would use it as ammunition afterwards.

He would always tell me that I am not going anywhere in life, my hair looks bad, I’ve let my body go, I need a better job, I don’t make enough money.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I researched Narcissism (here I am!) and felt as though I had been blind this entire relationship.

On New Years Day 2017, he told me he does not love me anymore, that I annoy him, I’m immature, and he can’t deal with it anymore. I lost it, I told him he is the epitome of a Narcissist and he will always chase the people that try to love him away, and I feel so sorry for the next person he manages to con.

He hasn’t tried to contact me again, but it’s early days. I am still depressed but I have hope. Mostly, I’m sad about the last few years of my life that have been completely ruined and left me in emotional pain and devastation. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.

After all the hell he had put me thru for the last 8 years I have come to the conclusion that I need a man like I need a hole in my head. As far as I am concerned Men are just fucking jerks waiting for places to happen. I just turned 55 a few days ago and I dont need this shit. He is 63 yrs old and a player who will do anything with anyone. (Yes he is Bi and I heard him tell some guy one night he didnt like to have relationships with women) and that is coming from a guy who has been married twice and has 3 children with 3 different women. To sum it all up here is the story I made up about him:
_____________________________________________________
* This is the story of how ….uses women:
_____________________________________________________

…. goes thru women like he goes thru underwear. He meets one and
since he is the type of guy who doesnt like to take responsibility for
his part in the relationship, he puts all the blame on the woman.
every time something goes wrong, its automatically the woman’s fault.
See if he can put all the blame on her for everything that has gone
wrong in the relationship then he wont have to take responsibility for
it. And then when it comes time for him to break up with her, he
wont have to feel bad about doing it because it will be all her fault.
Yeah thats right. Its the old adage of the classic guilt trip in
reverse. Every time he tells a lie, he turns it around and makes it
her fault, he feels so much guilt that he has to place the blame
elsewhere , so what does he do, he automatically starts accusing her
of lying to him , knowing full well that she has never done such a
thing and that is a crock of shit. But hey we have to place the guilt
somewhere dont we. And then when he cheats behind her back, oh dear,
we need a way to cover that guilt too so that we dont have to take
responsibility for it , so he starts accusing her of cheating on him,
I mean , down right bald face accusory mean shit that he throws right
in her face with such force that she almost actually feels she is to
blame for his anger. She is so hurt by his accusations that she
begins to wonder what she ever did to deserve such treatment. Well if
she is a smart woman she will realize what a game player she is with
and wake up and realize that she is being played big time. And along
with the lack of responsibility crap we have the mind control crap,
the control issues crap, the do as I say and not as I do crap etc.
yeah when …. first meets a woman he has to go all out , in order to
gain her complete trust , so what does he do, he sweet talks her and
tells her anything and everything she wants to hear just so he can
get down her pants . oh yeah, hes one of those kind of guys that will
tell you just exactly what you want to hear even if its not the truth
just to take advantage of you. And when you have given him everything
that he wants , then thats when the boredom stage appears and he
starts becoming tired of you. He finds a way to constantly pick a
fight with you or find fault with you & everything you say or do etc.
It doesnt matter what it is, he will find fault with it , with you and
then pick it & you apart until he succeeds in driving you crazy or
making you so mad that you go off and scream like a lunatic because of
how you are being treated , and then you can be blamed too for the way
he is treating you. Of course it is your fault because you are the one
acting like a raging lunatic even though he provoked it. Its just
another shift the blame tactic so he doesnt have to take
responsibility for acting like a total jerk. You see he didnt have
much of a role model to follow to learn how to have a REAL
relationship from , He was never taught that you are supposed to treat
the opposite sex with kindness , gentleness, compassion etc. He was
never taught the real way to solve problems when they come up in a
relationship. The only thing he knows is screaming , yelling, blaming,
and not taking responsibility for his own bad actions. Apparently
that role model had no conscious at all about treating women bad, he
was probably a “male chauvinist” , a man who felt he had to put a
woman in her place and to make her behave. Kind of like a bad parent
that bullies a child. He probably saw someone abuse his wife like
that and was led to believe it was the correct thing to do and taught
that all women are like children. They need to be pushed around, led
around by the nose and when they didnt obey, slapped around and made
sure they were put in their place.

When he finally grows tired of being with you and he decides to end
the relationship, then he just starts dropping little hints here and
there that he is on his way out, or he wants out of the relationship,
by making crap up that isnt even true, or saying he is planning on
leave the state soon (even if he cant afford to) making up sordid
stories that he knows for a fact that you have cheated on him (when
you havent) finding ways to start bs so he will get into a huge fight
with you and somehow make it all your fault so he doesnt have to take
the blame for breaking up with you. Oh yeah and this when it really
turns nasty. The more he wants out, the more stops he pulls out to
get to that breakup. and the more you resist and try to keep him from
breaking up with you , the more he tries to pull away by making up
excuses of why he cant or doesnt want to be around you, such as faking
sickness, saying hes got a lot of work to do and there fore he wont be
available. Calling you all times day and night just to pick a fight
with you cause he figures if he drives you crazy enough, you may just
get fed up with him first and then dump him so he wont have to take
the responsibility of doing it himself..

He is the type of guy that will put you thru hell & high water for the
whole relationship. He will completely destroy your nerves and stress
you out so bad you will want to throttle him and he will still assume
that he is not doing anything wrong. when you try to complain about
how you are being treated, he will find a way to turn his mistreatment
into fantasy and act like he doesnt even know wtf u are talking about.
Or if he just happens to catch you off guard , he will try to mind
phukk you with reverse psychology and try to make you think that you
don t even really know what is really going on or who is to blame.

And if all this wasnt enough, we have a little bit of patronizing and
making fun of you when you are down and out and the best one of all ,
but certainly not the least.. , the “:drag you thru the mud game that
leaves you totally broke & down in the gutter homeless game. That
is the meanest trick of all. Now that he has phukked with your mind,
its time to make sure you hit rock bottom too, so he throw in some
physical abuse for an added touch. And of course he didnt do that
either because you provoked it so that makes it ok to hit you. To
hear him tell it , that fist of his doesnt have a mind of its own, in
fact it doesnt even move dont you know. somehow somewhere out of the
blue , for no apparent reason at all, you decided to attack him and
thats how his fist just happen to run into your chest so hard that it
knocked the wind out of you.

Right…

This is the classic description of a user. He will use you for all he
can get out of you, tell you he loves you when he really doesnt mean
it or never really intended to mean it , promise you the moon , fully
knowing he will never deliver, sweet talk you and get you to do
everything that he wants and then when he gets tired of you and is
tired of playing you and stringing you along, makes up a load of bs
excuses for why things went wrong, places all the blame on you so he
doesnt have to feel guilty for leaving and dumps you. The worse he can
make you feel about the breakup and that it was all your fault, the
less he has to feel responsible for dumping you. Dont you know thats
what its all about ? women arent real people, they are just pawns to
be used when men need entertainment. Kind of like porn & gambling &
drugs, just something else to get your rocks off with when you get a
little bored, just another useful diversion. another notch in the old
belt? Yeah Women are one of those favorite past times dont you know.
He’ll drink to that, just ask him.

Aint that right…….

Just ask …. Mr Narcissist himself. He’ll tell you all about it.
But beware it will be all about him and he’ll leave you completely out
of it. Or maybe you should ask the scared little boy inside of him
that he hides behind. The one who is so scared of love or being loved
that he acts like a spoiled brat to keep anyone from seeing his
vulnerability.