Hi Kathrine,

Well, there’s a little more to the story that I tell in my book When Love Is a Lie. He made a call to me half way home that let me know that he had an intention. It was October, after all, and he always left in October until after the new year. I lost it because suddenly I realized what he was up to. He called over and over after I hung up but I never picked up and eventually he stopped calling. Then, we had a slight text altercation a few months later that is important because it displays the mindset of these people. I immediately blocked him and eventually changed my number. Look, even the narc knows when the jig is up….when they have gotten away with everything they could possibly get away with…that we’re on to them. It never ends nicely…they HAVE TO throw a dagger in the mix. It’s never about “letting us go” because they care and want us to live our lives. Never.

If you get a chance, read the book. What happened to me is very typical. Narcissists are not normal people. If they did the right thing, they wouldn’t be narcs. After 13 years, there wasn’t a whole lot for him left to do. The lies were getting ridiculous. Over the years, there have been knocks at the door, messages via FB, but if you ignore, they eventually go away.

Thank you for writing in…

Zari:)

Hi Raven,

I am so, so sorry about your father:( Makes me very sad to read that. Please make a plan for your life in your mind and don’t share it with anyone but work towards it even in the smallest of ways. Not everyone has to know everything about what goes on in your life – especially him! Thinking about things and keeping it to yourself sometimes can help you work it through without any outside influences. You are not crazy and your intuition is ALWAYS right…Again, so sorry about your dad…

Zari xo

Hey Zari…. It’s odd that I noticed your message tonight?!? I did mean to say that sometimes he is nice like overly nice and now it feels like everything has been taken away literally and with my business (& thanks so much for the compliments about talent etc see I don’t even know how to get back to that person now?!) my father just passed away less than two
Weeks ago now !?! ???????? and I didn’t even get to go home for that and or deal with my feelings about it at all?!? See he took a week off and made it up to me etc BUT even my own family seems to be on his side pushing me away or here and unfortunately I always share everything and he knows emotionally damaging things and uses them….. I just realized something happened while I slept and I feel so disgraced and intruded upon like while talking to my friend it all unwound earlier and U can’t believe what I am saying meanwhile I don’t know if he is at work or not?! Never do and I of course don’t have passwords to his phone! He says now work makes him have them?!? And never calls me ever from work now that he has the clearance to have his phone etc….. I feel so like lost and this feeling I have seems like crazy but I know something happened …… & I can’t believe it but I can because I have been totally against sex since my dad passed away omg…. I feel so disgusting.

Hi Raven,

I know it’s been a month since you wrote and I’m sorry for the delay in responding. It’s a very telling story of being in the shrink’s office and all that taking place. He sounds like a typical, very un-special narcissist to me and I’m not sure why you stay at this point except that maybe it’s a money situation. If you had a business before, isn’t there a way to go back to that? To try to get it going again? You should have a way to make your own money. THAT may be the one big thing you have control over. You obviously have talents and skills and you need not let all that go and doom yourself to this life. Make it part of your strategy to escape in the near future. You don’t give a single redeeming quality about this dude…not that you’re still in love or sometimes he’s just over-the-top nice. Nothing. He sounds very awful and all that I can say is that there has to be a way out. He cheats, belittles, demeans, etc. and hasn’t a single decent civil bone in his body. Yup, just a typical sociopathic narc and he doesn’t even try to hide it. Don’t worry about your childhood and your parents and how you “got” that way because that is not going to help you get out of this NOW. Stop trying to argue with him as if you can change his thinking. Focus on you and yes you can do it while you are together…without a doubt. You can do this!

Zari xo

Hey girl,

You and I spoke and it was awesome to meet you. Let me know how things are going either here or by emailing me. I love updates and I’ll always be wondering what happened. Hopefully, I was able to give you some insight into what is up with him and how to handle the weekends. Let me know how you’re doing, sister!

Zari xo

My narc, conveniently for him and now for me too, is a “super commuter.” So he gets to live out his double life in the state he lives in (hence the silent treatment is there if he wants to use it) and travels back to home on the weekends. He’s finally reached his dream job status where his ego is stroked by 250 employees, and there’s even the introduction of a 20 something girl placed conveniently for me to worry about. I get it now. After the realization of his tell-tale narcissism, that going no contact during the week for me is helping me in a lot of ways –mainly I can concentrate on my life and kids here without planning my entire week around his schedule. But it comes at a cost, when he’s here on weekends, he’s either trying to pull his tricks on me in full force, or being pouty or giving me silent treatment in public. Since I’ve been aware of his tactics, especially now that I’ve got proof of his triangulation and gaslighting, I do view him as a very sad individual indeed. I realized tonight I feel right into another scheme. I was so jealous about the 20 something that I (shamelessly) threatened to set up a 24 hour servellance in his apartment! But guess who I just paid money to come check out my smoke detectors—– for hidden cameras! There’s none of course. Ugh. Guess I need to go full contact. But it’s going to be hard. He just is new to counseling, but I’m sure this won’t last. As I write this, The writing on the wall is pretty clear.

Hi Fred,

Thank you for sharing:) I’m finding that all the guys that call in for consultations and those who write in like you wish for the “tear free” goodby. One man that I have been counseling for months calls it “the calm walkaway” and he is forever struggling with the fact that he can’t seem to get it. LOL I hope, for you, it is different. Make sure that you block her on all avenues of communication. She can’t be allowed to use you as a fallback guy whenever things don’t work out with the new target (as immoral as he is). The female narc, often more so than the male narc, will do this at the drop of a hat.

Stay strong, my friend, and we’re all here to support you!

Zari xo

Hi Donna,

I have to ask…what is this “letter box” you speak of in every single post? Do you mean one of those flip up metal mail slots in the middle of your front door that the mailman drops letters through so that they fall inside your house? You say “he stated for the letter box” and then “he posted them through the letter box” and I picture him coming up to your front door, bending down, flipping up the metal part and yelling at you through it. Is that really what you mean? If it is, why don’t you just go to the post office and get a P.O. Box for your mail delivery and then BUY A NEW DOOR WITHOUT A MAIL SLOT or BOARD UP THE SLOT YOU’VE GOT SO THAT WHEN HE LIFTS UP THE SLOT he can’t yell in. Please clarify that for me. I could be completely wrong but you mention it every single time and I have to know.

As for your aunt, if she sleeps with him, she’s a just a slut. Don’t worry about that…at this point, better her then you, girl! He is the creep from hell. My God!

Zari xo

Zari xo

Hi zari thanks for your reply it’s well appreciated. When he appeared at my door he stated for the letter box that he wanted to see his daughter. He wrote 2 letters then posted them through the letter box also. These were in aid to manipulate me into thinking I was the one in the wrong. He wrote that all he wanted to do was be a part of his daughters life I shouldn’t stop this if I loved my daughter I wouldn’t be getting in between them he said he wanted to do some hristmas shopping with her and so on. But yesterday he txt from a different number stating he wanted to c his daughter at the begging then totally switched it into being in love with me and wanting to make plans 4 the future to marry me. How condescending and bizarre is that.

I also mentioned in the post above that he has my family members siding with him. And my aunt who’s head over heels over him shes obsessed to the point that I know she will sleep with him.

Hi Donna,

Wow…this just never gets better, does it? Again, why don’t you have a court order for child support and custody??? With a court order for visitation, it solves almost everything. You NEED something that says that YOU have PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY. At this point, he could take her if he wanted to and there wouldn’t be anything you could do. My son’s dad and I had a bitter, bitter divorce and I had primary custody and he STILL tried to steal him away to Oregon on his visitation weekend. I caught on at the last minute – realized what was up – and raced to the airport, making such a scene all by myself waiting for my ex to show up with my son (who was just two yrs old then) that I attracted all the security people…fine with me! Eventually the cops showed up, swarming my ex when he did show up, and making him miss his plane. I just walked up and took my son right out of his arms. He was so pissed! So, they will try anything, Donna. You have to have SOMETHING …a document of some kind…to prove that you have control over that little girl.

And I can’t believe the police won’t give you a no contact order. In the states, if an ex doesn’t like the frigging tone of an email you send them, they can get an order and it’s good for a year. I swear to God. I don’t know what else to tell you. He intimidates you, obviously, and he’s just a bully. My son’s dad – same way. Wish I’d known then what I know now.

I wish you could just disappear, change your number, so he couldn’t find you. Why is he so angry with YOU if he left you and the baby for another woman in the states? I know narcissists are pricks but this guy’s particular vindictiveness is so over the top that it’s kind of odd to me. He seems hell bent on terrorizing you but what does he say that he wants? Maybe you could elaborate there.

Zari xo

My ex narc has re appeared looks like he only spent a few weeks in the states compared to what he normally does. Hes definantly out to DESTROY me he purchased a new car I think he been stalking me last Thursday he just appeared out of no where then suddenly started to trail my car. When I noticed I pulled over stunned to realise it was him he asked to see his daughter through the car windows which I replied no too. Then I drive off. That same day he showed up at my property knocked then put a letter through the letter box stains he wanted to c his daughter. On the Monday he showed up at my adress knocked the door then I didn’t answear he sat and waited out the house 4 two hours. At which I had to call my mom to get him away he had no interaction with me or my daughter at all and had to end up leaving. I noted all this to the police they are unable to allow me to take up an injunction b cause he wasn’t physically and verbally abusive. They said they can’t prevent him from coming to see his daughter. They advised me to get a child contact order. Supervised visits at a centre.
The worst thing has happened I’ve just found out that he has made contact with my auntie who adores him I think she will end up sleeping with him. He creating a hate compaign with her and a few other of my family members against me and my dad. He’s playing the victim accusing us of not allowing him 2 c he’s daughter. How best do I deal with this I knew my aunt was capable of this as previously I used to avoid him from coming to family does . And that’s all they use to talk about how great he is.
So much chaos has happened today I stopped at my mom’s house last night thinking that he would avoid showing up there. However I was wrong earlier he was phoning constantly and texting. Disguising he’s behaviour as wanting to see his daughter then he text that he loved me and wanted to marry me. How stupid does he think i am. After no reply from me he decided to show up at my mom’s my car was parked outside when my daughter realised it was him she ran up to the door so my mom aloud him to see her he decided to take her in his car then when it was time for her to come back in he wouldn’t allow it. I called the police at this time then I went outside to get my daughter he twisted my arm around to try to prevent me from holding her shortly after this the police had arrived we both took statements me first then him after he totally twisted everything making himself look like the victim he must of made a cut on his hand and said I done it can’t believe this they couldn’t arrest him because of what he said. Hopefully I can take an injunction out on him they gave me a reference number and gave me a domestic violence number helpline. I’m trying to sort getting supervised visits in place at a centre when he wants to see her but scared he’s so good a manipulation and thats what he will do and I won’t be there to hear anything what he says to her

Hi Kika,

Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful you’re here too! Stay strong and always keep your eye on the prize. If you can , please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will resonate with my own story. Narcissists are the same worldwide and we can all learn from one another. Continue to heal, girl, and I’m here if you need me:)

Zari xo

Hi Bernadette,

No, no….did you use the same email that you always use? If it’s a first post with a new email, it still has to be moderated and I probably haven’t even got to it. That’s all. I’ll look for it. I just happened to see this little post and thought I’d answer it real quick:)

Zari xo

Hi Brad:
There are days when I feel exactly like you, I wonder obsessively what he’s doing, does he miss me, etc. This thanksgiving was wine of my worst days…. You know what I did? I downloaded zari’s workbook and did some of the exercises- I needed to be reminded who he REALLY is and it made it easier to let go ( if even for a day) Even now I pull out those pages to re-read on days I’m not feeling strong, it gets me through it.

On a side note, and I’d appreciate any feedback on this, his ex reached out to me, thanking me for all I’ve done for and with the girls and asked if she could bring them to see me at my restaurant next week…. I’m thrilled and can’t wait to see them, I will NOT be discussing my relationship with D with her, and don’t think she has any desire to either, it’s about those kids…
Thoughts?

Zari and Bernadette,
Thanks for your support…and yes Zari…I get it. No hint of a win for her. Nothing. Thank you.
I got through that day…and all the days since. I am focusing my energy on myself and those that ” paid the price” while I waited…and waited…and waited (mostly in vain) for any contact from my ex-N. “bringing me back”…..is my new motto, along with ” don’t let the f-en door hit you on your way out”. Thanks for the follow up. Day ” 40-something”…..and losing track…so its all good.

I’m having a “weak” day today. I can empathise with what you have said here.
Reading these posts as well as these articles helps a LOT!
Thank you for sharing Bradley.

Hi Bradley,

Just checking on you….how are you doing? Wanted to to say to be careful about sending out those messages…even if they make you feel better. Any reaction from you is all she needs to deem herself the winner and to feel as if she still has one foot in the door. These monsters will never hold themselves accountable – ever!

So, like you said, just focus on yourself! Hope you had a nice, peaceful holiday and please update:)

Zari xo