Comments on: Getting Over the Narcissist: A Game of Postpone & Pretend

By: Mrs_D

Mrs_D — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 16:58:15 +0000

Hello! Your articles are really helpful in these hard times I am going through.. I had a relationship for 10 months with a narcissist (and a psychopath as well). I hadn’t realised he was a narcissist, as he was so perfect towards me.. He was serious about our relationship (he is 40 and I am 35), he met my family and I met his quite early in the relationship, he was affectionate and wanted to be with me all the time. After spending together 9 perfect months, he told me he wants us to move in together and have a baby. I was soooo happy! In the summer we went on vacation at his hometown, he asked me to start trying for a baby and I agreed. He told me I am his life, he doesn’t want to lose me and so many more lies.. We had booked tickets to return together after the vacations but he never came with me, he stayed there, he had arranged with his company to work from there. He never talked to me about his choice to stay in his hometown, he never asked me. He just left me return all alone. When I came back home, I had a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was pregnant! I told him and he didn’t believe me, I sent him my blood exams and then he threatened me to have an abortion, he got really nasty, he called at my work, at my parents house, it was awful. I was keeping the baby and he didn’t want to pay child support, he said he never liked me anyway, that I was ugly and he would never want this baby. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 4 months old .. This is when he stopped bothering me and threatening me. I went no contact right after he told me he doesn’t want the baby and he would never support me. This is my story… I know it’s over now, I know it would be a disaster if I had to coparent with a narcissist, however it hurts so much, having been lied and betrayed like this. I hope God helps me heal soon.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 23:39:32 +0000

In reply to marisa.

Hi marisa…yup, I would have to say that “checking in” is the same thing. Good for you! Periodic checks keep us in self-reflection mode and help to keep it real. I’m grateful that you found a way to make it work…..:)

By: marisa

marisa — Tue, 17 Dec 2019 01:12:56 +0000

I just want to say that I did many many years ago. I called it “checking in”. I would postpone the pain, NOT think about it, for maybe a month, then I would “check in” on how I felt when I DID think about it. It became less and less painful and also, as time goes by, you gain a lot of clarity on how things REALLY were, remembering the reality, not the fake happiness, because there really wasn’t any happiness. It also helps to be out and about and meeting new people all the time.

By: Rebecca McKay

Rebecca McKay — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:07:52 +0000

Thank you for this. I broke up with mine we still talk huge mistake. Longest breakup ever. He has to rub another girl in my face the off in thin air. Luckily I didn’t care but he went silent again. I’m going to do what this said and make it permanent. My fault for allowing communication!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 09 Nov 2018 23:32:27 +0000

In reply to Rebecca.

Hi Rebecca,

So grateful that the Game of Postpone & Pretend worked to save your day. I hope there are many more days just like it:) Think about it…if you “pretend” that your happy, no one will be the wiser. Eventually, it helps to re-train your brain back to normal….one step and one day at a time!

Zari xo

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 20:42:53 +0000

In reply to S.R..

Hi S.R.!

What a sweet post…I’d give you a great big hug back, my friend:) No, you do NOT need to wallow in the pain which we all have a tendency to do. It’s perfectly fine to postpone and pretend because no one will be the wiser! I found that I could push any feeling away for at least 24 hours and then it became a game to see how long I could do it ….postpone the tears…and eventually I simply didn’t have to do it. Re-training the brain back to normal after this kind of craziness isn’t easy but it is absolutely possible:)

Stay strong and Be Happy,

Zari

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Wed, 31 Oct 2018 17:21:38 +0000

The postpone and fake it just saved my day! After him picking up the last of his things (while I was out) and leaving me a gift and a note, my pillow was far too wet for far too long. I had written my day off, but when I read this it struck a chord. I got out while it was still sunny. Thank you!
Good luck for your journeys…

By: S.R.

S.R. — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 00:06:08 +0000

Zari, if I could, I would make you materialize right before my eyes so that I could give you the biggest, warmest, hug that my arms (and heart) could muster. If only I could…! This one article is exactly what I needed to read in order to stop the swinging pendulum that keeps me vacillating between “I’m over it” one day, and “How did this happen” the next. Thank you for writing it. I now have a new tool in my arsenal to get me through what’s left of the ‘dark days’.

I’m about six months into my recovery from the most damaging and devastating relationship of my life — a 3-year prison sentence with a quintessentially sadistic narcissist. This was my worst relationship ever, which is saying a lot, because I’m nearly 50 and I’ve been married before! (My ex-husband is NOT the narc in question.)

During the devaluation phase, I quickly discovered that the entire relationship was a charade, and every word the N uttered had been a lie. Invariably, I was discarded via the ultimate disappearing act. Since then, I have been binging on any information I could find about the pseudo-love entanglements that come with having a relationship with a narc.

Everything I’ve read so far, has been immensely helpful but not like this article. This article empowered me in ways that I was not expecting: 1.) It gave me permission to push-out my grieving so that I don’t wallow my days away, ruminating over something that was not my fault, and 2.) It lets me know that postponement is not denial, it’s merely a way of forcing me to bring my focus back to the most important component here: me, me, ME! (Forgive me if I sound like a narcissist right now, but I think I’ve earned the right. Just this once!)

Again, thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge with those of us who unwittingly stumbled into the tangled web of deceit that is the narcissist’s lair.

By: carol wynn

carol wynn — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 00:58:34 +0000

I have kept coming back and returning to my very attractive Narc, knowing that I was, in a way, using him in order to get stronger and eventually to not care if/when he discarded me because I had a different opinion about something. Oh, that was a ‘no no’ with this Narc. If I didn’t agree with his skewed assessment of a situation or reality, for that matter, well, I was ‘out of here’ and he’d invoke the silent treatment on me and immediately go to his ‘sideline’ supply, that was available at his slightest attention to her. What a very sick game he would play and I knew what it was the entire 12 years I was hooked in and that I was a part of it. Understand, I didn’t want to be part of the game, but I had to go back to my childhood and heal from having a narcissistic father, listen to hours of videos on narcissist abuse, listen so hard that feel I can now actually teach a course or counsel the unfortunate victims of narcissistic abuse at this time in my life.
I have a great, high profile, career, lots of friends, am attractive and a happy person, but this Narc, this emotional vampire, got his hooks in me, because of his sexual prowess and his sweet, fake words, and I went for it! I went for it for years, on and off. Noone understood my need for this guy and I became so isolated in my situation, because I would tell friends and family that I was over him, only to go back to him within a short time. My family was talking behind my back about how ridiculous my relationship and I was and so I had to learn not to tell anyone anything about my terrible struggle. I suffered for years, all alone with Narcissistic abuse.
Now that I’ve finally left, have finally lost my emotional connection to him, (or so I pray) & now he’s pulling a smear campaign on me. Did I expect this? Damn right I did.
His actions only embolden me to stay on this path of recovery and have only pity for the ‘new supply’ that this dude has tapped to be his next victim.
I say good luck sweetheart. And you will need that and so much more…

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 23:04:09 +0000

In reply to Natalie.

Hi Natalie,

I’m pretty sure that’s what we are all doing here, sharing our stories and and strategies for recovery and trying to work through the pain. I speak with people every day to coach them through these difficult times but, as victims of narcissist abuse, we have to be pro-active and work deliberately to keep our ruminating thoughts at bay. Talking about it over and over helps but it is not the only answer. We have to “push out” the bad thoughts as they pop in and make a conscious effort to distract ourselves, otherwise we’d find ourselves curled up in a ball wasting the day. Postponing and pretending was one of the ways I found that helped me to do this and so I am sharing it. I’m sorry if you did not find this one strategy helpful. There are many more and I hope your therapist will lead you in that direction.

Stay strong!

Zari:)

By: Natalie

Natalie — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 01:34:35 +0000

This advice is not at all what was helpful for me. As a survivor of many years and layers of narcissistic abuse, I can tell you that the ONLY thing that holistically helped me move forward was acknowledging the pain, despair and anxiety, and finding a therapist to listen and give me space to process these emotions. It is EXTREMELY important to find a person, be it a trusted friend, or therapist, to hear you and acknowledge your suffering. After this kind of abuse, we typically experience crippling self doubt and internalized gas lighting. PLEASE help yourself out of self-denial and give yourself the care you need. Share your story. Embrace your inner child who is so deeply wounded. Talk about what happened and how you are feeling. THIS will help you move forward and recognize any patterns that have been developed along the way.

By: Alison Davies

Alison Davies — Mon, 28 May 2018 21:31:21 +0000

The way to hurt a narcissist is drop them like a hot potato and NEVER utter a word to them again. That doesn’t mean only “no contact” with them. It means NEVER mention their name to your family or friends EVER. NEVER mention their names to the narcissist’s family or friends. EVER. Act as though they died. I know, morbid and difficult, but the best solution. I was lucky, I knew early on that my boyfriend (he is 48 and I am 48) was a narcissist. I played along because, honestly, I liked the attention, gifts, trips, etc. and was in a vulnerable stage of my life. I knew full well it would end in a s—storm. He hated all of his exes. Why would I be any different? Why do you think you are so special? You are not. I’m sorry to tell you this. I do believe I was “special” and I was. I was special in that I did not bow to this man. I did the breaking up. I called the police when he got violent. I did not accept the groveling. Instead, I criticized him and dropped him. No looking back! I am very different from most narcissist’s victims as I can be apathetic in relationships. I can get sucked in only as far as I will allow and want to get sucked in. I was burned by several narcissists in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I learned their methods and figured it all out. I don’t want to attract a narcissist, but I did when I felt it served me. I am ok with being alone and single. That is a trait you MUST develop to move on. You must love yourself and be ok with being single. Those who are addicted to relationships and depend on others to boost their ego are fair game to become a narcissist’s victim. This is your life. Don’t let anyone, narcissist or not, dictate your happiness. It’s been several weeks and though I do miss the good times, I constantly have a memory of the bad times and how he disrespected me, abused me, and thought he took advantage of me (sorry for him that I was always in preparation mode for this break up and final “good-bye”. Work on loving yourself and your success and silence will be the best revenge. I promise you.

By: Rosie

Rosie — Wed, 11 Apr 2018 23:43:53 +0000

Minnie, I feel the same, I have been beaten so many times over the xmas period, I had to call the police to get me out of there, I could have died so many times and yet I feel the same. He has now let me know he has met someone 20 years younger than me and I can’t stop crying.. I should be glad, but i feel lonely, bored. Just feel so low.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 01:47:40 +0000

In reply to sam.

Hi Sam,

I’m so sorry that you are hurting. It appears that many are stuck in the booty call mode with these jerks right now. I did it too but it’s just not worth it. They are not connected to us like we are to them and they never will be. When we know that they are always up to no good, how can we realistically keep going with that? Don’t settle for his bullshit. He will not change…it just doesn’t happen. Once again, I have to tell you there is no easy fix…but it is absolutely possible to break free. You can be strong. Consider booking some talk time with me to work out a strategy for leaving that won’t feel so overwhelming. You need someone on your side and I’m willing to do that. In the meantime, keep reading and learning. So many thousands of stories under the articles exist on this site alone. Everybody hurts when they love narcissistic people but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Don’t waste the one life that you’ve been given. You know what you have to do, you just need a little guidance that’s all, sister….

Zari xo

By: sam

sam — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 14:08:20 +0000

please help me I don’t know how to cope anymore he has final broken me I cant stop shaking hes gone to another woman again and we have a son and its just so upsetting I cant live like this anymore I have no more strength to keep him out of my head he adores his son and his son adores him but I cant live in this way anymore we co parent and its become impossible especially as we still had sex and maybe I had hope of reconciliation and now ive found hes texting another woman from work I don’t no what to do I don’t no how to be strong

By: Rob

Rob — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 21:14:15 +0000

i ran into an old friend i knew when i was 12 . he was 14 then– we didn’t have much contact and he moved to another state when he turned 21 .. anyhow 40 years later and was visiting here because of death in his family. i happened to run into him as i was in the middle of my divorce – we spent 5 days of bliss together and when i took him to the airport we both cried. he texted and called me everyday when he got home – told me to give my husband everything in the divorce –he wanted to take care of me — i was beautiful – perfect. he was my knight in shinning armor … he is wealthy and lives in a very attractive place and this made it all the more appealing and in those 5 day i never felt anything so wonderful. I waited 3 weeks and i couldn’t stand it. I gave my husband my house – all the money in the bank – quit my well paying NEW job. I left my family and i hoped on that plane. I had a couple of friends who were there already so i went with it. he told me to look for a house there – showered me with gifts and we spent a week at a resort and then when to his house where I was i slowly driven insane. he wouldn’t touch me – he left me home alone while he went out to dinner supposedly alone. took the car from me and treated me so badly i thought i was going to die. he was texting women –meeting them — doing drugs with them and everything he said he would never do he did to me — i mean he made me a list of things he wouldn’t do and then when i got there purposely did each thing to me. it was crazy and i cried and i tried so hard to please that man every day. some how i thought i was in love with him….then in 3 months he sent home – penniless — no house — no job– no nothing. i thought i was going to die –a year later he is still torturing me from 6000 miles away but reading all this i am done. i only hope i can stay away — what makes a person want someone who treats them so badly. my mother even passed and he didnt give a damn – “gee that’s too bad can you help me with something”. i should have know – he is 58 yrs old – never married – longest relationship 2 years – no kids – no family in where he lives — no friends….and his family did try to warned me. they don’t visit him or want anything to do with him ….what an idiot i am and was. i could say so much more but you all get the point. i am devastated….

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 21:50:36 +0000

In reply to Lisa Johnson.

Hi Lisa,

I apologize for taking so long to respond to your text. The funny thing is just this morning I was lying in bed watching YouTube videos on my phone about transforming my truck into a campervan. I hope that you get to do that! Take your campervan and travel around Europe and just LIVE LIFE with no outside interference from narcissistic predators. Make your dream a reality…no one can do that (or take it from you) but yourself. In that, we really do have complete control.

Zari xo

By: Lisa Johnson

Lisa Johnson — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 15:00:27 +0000

I am 52, i was married for 29 years to a man that told me i was controlling and gaslighted me. He left me for another women, but continued to try to control me up until i asked the police to step in and tell him to stop harassing me. It worked.
6 months or so after my then husband left I met N on a dating site, he was tall, lovely looking, funny and promised me a trip to paris on our first date, said he loved me on our second date. Bombarded me with loving texts and phone calls and begged me to go to him when ever i finished work. Then a text one morning saying sorry , i dont want a relationship, this i now know was the frist test, to see how far he could push me. he wouldnt reply to my calls or texts, so i went to his, with what few bits he had at mine. The trap was set and i fell into it …3 years later, i have a whole string of texts messages telling me he loves me to telling me that he knows i sleep with my friends, ( i dont ) that i have an incestiouse realtionship with my son ( he never said sorry ) saying he doesnt trust me, telling me i am thick ( i am not ), then telling me i have a beautiful body .( its average ) now most normal souls would run a mile , But not us, not me or any of the people above, because i now know we have been trained, as i read bebrave65 story, part of me is saying, why on earth would you put up with that, but most of me is nodding and knowing , we do, we did , but we wont. As for Jannike, you are so young , you will be ok ,i guess we have to remember, if we meet someone and he/she seems perfect , keep a check, just for a while , i am going to do the pretend and postpone , for now and for as long as it takes. And in a years time when i sell my house , which is when i think he will pop back up because he will know i have a sum of money to spend , i will buy a campervan and travel around europe , and just be me , after 33 years of abuse from certain kinds of men … good luck

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 18 Aug 2017 23:26:04 +0000

In reply to Emi Lou.

Hi Jami,

When we’re with narcs, it seems our lives are all but interchangeable. And you only attract them because they see the good in you and feel that it would be beneficial either right then or down the road. Parasites are what they are and this is why we must keep to our boundaries (make them and understand what they are to you and why). In this life, it is our only protection…

Zari 🙂

By: Emi Lou

Emi Lou — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 19:48:00 +0000

In reply to Jami. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been through nothing compared to you, but I seem to attract them.

By: Jannike

Jannike — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 10:03:26 +0000

In reply to bebrave65.

I was kind of scared when i read this and it made me cry because its the EXACT SAME STORY as mine. Holy shit!!!! I met a guy, we were texting, sending messages, he had a girlfriend, left her for me… he always gave me the silent threatment. ALWAYS. I dont understand how people can be so cruel. It went on and off for 3 years by me. He was just horrible. Everything i did was wrong, how i held my fork and knife, how i dressed, how i talked… he even told me how ugly my boobs were going to be in a year and how wide my vagina was so he couldnt come and stuff like that! He said he’d never been with a woman so wiee, and that it probobly was because of my past with men. (Im 19 he was 27 and believe me.. i am not) he was just trying to hurt me on purpuse. He also used to abandon me when we faught.. it ended up with him driving me to the mountains to leave me there because he heard roomers i kissed someone. He took the simcard out of my phone and said i would never see my parents again. He tried to throw me out of his car and i begged him not to. It ended up with him hitting me so hard i smashed my head against the carwindow. I blacked out for a bit and i had no idea where i was. I begged him once more to just take me down from there (it would have been 6 hours for me to walk to my house), and adventually he did. We ended up in a cort, but guess who went running back to the asshole?… me! Because he was so sorry and he loved me and blablablabla. My parents were devestated and i have never seen my mom cry as much as she did that night. Right now i am struggling and i feel suicidal. I feel like i am worth nothing and i am so tired of crying. I broke up with him before and i stayed away for 6 months but i am so week. I just had to talk to him and ask him why he did the things he did… again we started seeing eachother and again i started feeling terrible. Now i am single again but i feel like a dead girl walking.

By: kathykicksit

kathykicksit — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 04:47:27 +0000

well I was dating a woman and she had these rage attacks. i was afraid alot of the time, she could be very charismatic and was a great pretender. she wouldn’t let me post on facebook without reading it first and correcting it. she was off and on as well.

By: Jami

Jami — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 22:56:20 +0000

I’m glad to see the awareness everywhere about this. I have severe PTSD from my ex-husband and was put on disability after the divorce. I was crippled as a person in every way. No one understands unless they’ve been there. There was never any cheating, that would’ve been an easy thing to deal with compared to the rest; not to minimize it for others. But you can’t prove emotional and psychological abuse in court and the perpetrators know that. Usually the victim is the one who looks unstable in court which allows even more abuse to occur and the cycle keeps going. I’ve been lucky in some ways that I’ve had a judge who sees through most of it. It’s worse when you have children because they have something you love that they will try to take from you as the ultimate revenge. I’ve thought of writing a book about my experience, but still 7 years after the divorce struggle to get it on paper. I know I would have recovered by now if I didn’t still have to have him in my life. Be careful who you have children with, men and women; although I never would have thought that anything like I experienced would happen when I married him. Best advice I’ve seen is do everything you can to re-write your life and ask for help. I’ve found many guardian angels along the way.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 00:18:50 +0000

In reply to Minnie. WE may THINK he's sad and damaged from childhood but, believe me, he doesn't FEEL that...he just likes it to appear that way. Every narcissist has a story about his childhood and they use it to gain our sympathy. And as far as winning, there's so much to say about that. Breaking away mentally is a process and it takes time. It's all about changing your perspective by accepting a few very simple things. Consider booking some time with me so that we can talk about it. There's a way of looking at your jealousy and realizing that you're worrying and ruminating on things that he's already done. We worry about things that he's doing with others but he's already done it and nothing changes. He doesn't care about anybody! And we all do wonder if we're narcissists but of course we're not - just the fact that we worry about it is proof of that! Our suffering changes nothing, girl. You've got to re-train your brain back to normal. YOU can do this...it sometimes takes a little guidence from someone who's been there, done that. Stay strong! Zari xo

By: Minnie

Minnie — Sat, 11 Feb 2017 22:04:02 +0000

I keep fantasizing about regret, or an apology. I know it will come it always does. I don’t like this man on a character level at all. Why do i feel jealousy of the others? I feel jealous they know how to behave how he likes. But i always thought he respected the fact he couldn’t control me. He seems to fit narcissism. But at the same time he is sad and damaged from childhood. I want to stop worrying about winning. Why do i care. Am i a narcissist? Lol i don’t honestly think i am. But why can’t i walk away with my head up? The guy is a drug and sex addict who didn’t straighten up even when he lost his family. He’s a loser. Why do i care what he thinks??