He swept in, told me how much he would assist to make my creative life doable_____(fill in deepest passion here), said he would learn this same creative endeavor, asked if I’d mind living six months/year in _____ (fill in beautiful foreign country name here), said we would have X at your wedding (X=classic ethnic wedding food), successfully appealed to me to have his baby-not my ex’s, insisted he would achieve divorce (“we’ve just been living under the same roof and have known we’ll divorce for years as soon as Y happened”) and house sale in six months time, we’d travel around the states and meet his friends, travel to foreign countries, said he’d love to go shopping with me and buy me clothes, his young adults kids would love me, he’d help finish my remodel, he wanted to buy a house together…on and on.

What I’m left with: Worked over for all my heart’s desires which were then exploited to future-fake, and to later control with jealous episodes, ten years of only one day/wk together due to his work schedule, his minimal vacation time spent with his children in other states and countries (not invited), I took him on a couple vacations-not reimbursed, several years to discover bare notions of his poor financial position (including that he couldn’t leave his job to live in a foreign country), lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth, six years to finally sell his house for zero profit due to 2nd mortgages, continued to act like he wanted to buy a house together but never laid out finances and found reasons to reject every one I found, sponging off me in my small crowded home, refused to even buy sheets together, let alone a nice bed and mattress, invited on trips but then left behind, or not invited because _____(fill in the reasons: “it’s not that kind of trip, I need to help my son, my daughter wants it to be just family, I can’t take care of you…”), successfully pleaded with me not to sail on a family trip, or take so many other trips, until he could go, or because he was jealous, endlessly tortured me when I did travel “who’s going to be there that you’re buying new clothes for”, tortured me when I engaged in my creative pursuit which he never learned, destroyed friendships so I couldn’t fulfill my creative potential, barked at me that it was ridiculous that he’d ever said anything about having a kid-he already has his family, blamed me for the fact that we got involved before he divorced (despite not revealing his wife-in their home!-for over a month while pursuing me, but: “you knew I was married and you didn’t ask”), didn’t bother to say goodbye to my mother and never saw her again before she died, pretended he was going to get therapy, stalked me on the street, searched in my social media, read my journals, suspicious and controlling of every encounter, including professional, meanwhile had at least three female friends I’ve never met, one of whom is his legal address.
At the end of ten years, I knew I’d hate myself if I went further and didn’t get him out of my house. He promised he’d get therapy, but by then I knew that was hot air he pulled out when he was cornered. By then I was (still) childless and too old and sick to parent, in the same home with mostly the same unfinished projects, cleaved from my passions, emotionally deadened, tolerating bullying at work as well those same ten years because my perspective was so skewed, financially no better off, and I’d become chronically ill-too sick to work, remodel, create, or parent. He told me I didn’t deserve to marry him to get veterans benefits because I hadn’t served.
It’s been five years.He slowly picked out the belongings he wanted and left behind all the old and broken and stuff, and tried to talk me into wanting it. Occasionally he would say he really needed help and ask me to help him find a therapist, but of course he had excuses and never went. One year ago I finally got him to get his stuff out of the garage. I still see him here and there if I can rope him into assisting at the house. He finally revealed that he has a “pandemic girlfriend” and “no aggravation”. “What do you think: I’m going to sit on _____St. (his now deceased mother’s house) for the whole pandemic!” Not surprisingly, she has a shed, now full of his yard tools, and a house and property-located just exactly where he really wanted to live. He does her greens-keeping now.

Hi Sylvia…how true! And they think they are so unique! hahaha

Hi Lynn, wow…I am so sorry, what a horrible situation. But I have to be honest here, girl. I guarantee there isn’t a guy on this planet, poor or rich, narc or not, who could convince me to give up $6000/mo in alimony + health insurance, especially if he’d already proven to be untrustworthy. Even if I was head over heels in love, it wouldn’t be worth the risk. I’d rather die single but happy. There was a reason you woke up at 3am vomiting and it wasn’t the flu. Your intuition was telling you DON’T DO IT. Please tell me you still get substantial child support…please, please tell me that.

So how do you fix it? If you divorce the narc, can you get enough to live comfortably? Would you be able to modify existing child support? I can’t believe there is no way to escape, even with the kiddies. I want more details. There has to be a way out, sister….xo

I’m currently going through the process of finally divorcing my N after 24 years of marriage and 3 kids.

One topic I don’t see here as much is the N who manages to stay married long-term, and even have a family. I don’t know if he ever cheated for sure, but he traveled a lot for work (when he managed to stay employed, that is), so it’s certainly possible.

With married Ns, they can’t vanish without a word from their wives and kids, so a lot of that stuff doesn’t really apply. But they sure as hell can use future fakery to keep their families from leaving them.

Last Christmas, for example, we had next to nothing in the bank. He pawned all our guns to generate last-minute cash. Still, it was a modest Christmas, so he cleverly bought each kid a new calendar as a gift.

When they opened them, they looked confused at first. But with great fanfare, he had them look through the months carefully. He had highlighted all these dates for each of them: concerts they wanted to see, festivals they wanted to visit…even a Caribbean CRUISE, for God’s sake!

So here we are a year later. I’ll give you one big fat guess how many of these grand Christmas promises came true in 2018.

But he’s done this from the beginning: even when we were dating, he’d bring me out to look at property where we could “build our first home”. I had no idea that he had no money and was living with his parents (he had some clever excuse for that which made it sound like THEY needed HIM).

What really kept my kids and me invested was the knowledge that in the past, he HAS been successful. About 12 years ago, we lived in an upscale community in a huge custom-built home where our neighbors were pro football players. Boats, concerts, vacations to Hawaii…all of it was a reality. I even had plastic surgery on his dime.

But over time, it seems each loss of a job was longer, and our descent into poverty more profound.

I knew last year that it was probably our last Christmas together as a family. It hurts, as I never in a million years thought I would ever divorce a husband. But here we are.

My girls and I are living with a family friend, while my N is couch-surfing at his sister’s place in another suburb. After losing everything, including his family, you’d think he’d finally hit rock bottom, right?

Wrong. I had to call last week and tell him to STOP telling my youngest child that he “was looking at property” in a neighboring state, and insinuating that she could live there with him. He is penniless, yet his semantic word games and manipulation continue.

Hi Sylvia!

Thanks for sharing and I love what you said about the pity and how it’s not worth your time. If a narc doesn’t feel sorry for himself, why should we?? Best to just leave and get on with it. Good for you for getting out after two years…you rock, girl:)

Zari:)

Hi Seth,

It’s not about ever trusting again. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many narcs out there and they are so good at what they do, that we are simply not going to know them off the bat. The only thing we can do is escape quicker. I’m sure that’s not the answer you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. You will “trust” just like you did the last time and the time before but this time, hopefully, you will be vigilant and aware. It will be okay….

Zari:)

Hi Single Pigeon,

Don’t be overcautious about dating again. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many polished narcs out there, we will never really recognize them right off the bat. The only thing we can hope for is that we get out quicker. Use everything you have learned to make better (not necessarily “perfect” but better) decisions in the future.

Zari xo

Thanks Zari.

The reason why this article really hit home for me was because this was my narcs favorite phrase when it came to talking about a relationship with me:

“Who knows what the future will bring.”

Haha! Seriously. These guys really do betray themselves through the things they say.

But I think even this was a carefully thought out and deliberate action on his part, not a Freudian slip. It was a all game to him. Our little relationship dance. He wanted to see just how aware I was of his tactics and word manipulation. He was bored and this was fun for him. I think he loved how he could tell me the “truth” – that a relationship with him would always remain in the future – knowing that this isn’t what I “heard” tho. This way he could say “I didn’t lie to you. I told you the truth. You just didn’t listen” Which was really just fancy double speak on his part. He knew full well what I had understood him to mean because I was smart enough to tell him exactly what I heard him say. But he did nothing to correct any misunderstandings I had.

I finally got tired of hearing it because it meant nothing, and told him so. He stopped. I figured it out so it wasn’t fun any more I guess.

Hi Jenny,

I am so sorry about the loss of both your parents…and only 7 weeks apart?? It doesn’t surprise me in the least that a narc would swoop in…it is what they do…it is who they are. I’m grateful to have been able to shed some light on the situation. These people are so twisted and they will future-fake and waste your life away if you allow it. Narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit and this is why nothing he does away from you will ever be conducive to the “relationship” you and he have together. He’ll always be up to no good….Stay strong, sister:)

Zari xo

This could have been me, Danielle. I discovered the double life ( online) and outed him. He threw me crumbs of fake future just like you – I even caved when he hoovered me and had filed for divorce!! I dropped the proceedings ( I know. Stupid.) And then I found out about his online girlfriends — as well as having lied to his brother HUGE about something he’d CLAIMED I’d done… ( I had been ostracized by his entire family for 5 yrs – they refused to speak to me.. Didn’t understand it – but then I discovered the smear campaigns.) It was all SO twisted… They LOVE to triangulate – pit you against whoever — Even the family (THEM against YOU)….. We become the enemy – somebody to destroy. Yes, he strung me along as a convenience.. while playing on the side. They will never discard a good source ( us) if they can juggle others in the background. I filed for divorce 3/17. Reinstated 6/17 and I AM DONE. They continue to lie to everyone – including themselves – living in a mental Disneyland. My ex said to me.. ” I am a people person!!” NO, YOU ARE A LYING CHEAT> You see how they twist reality? Upward and Onward, Danielle. WE ARE FREE of the worst Mind F*ck in the history of the World. They will burn in Hell – Karma is a bitch.

Hi Robert,

Of course women can do the same thing! In fact, my friend, the female narc, in my opinion, is FAR WORSE than the male narc can ever be simply because society enables a girl to do these bad behaviors (fake emotion, etc.). Read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face because it will confirm everything you are going through and then some! You are not alone, believe me, and we’re all here to support you:)

Zari xo

I also think we’d all agree here that future-faking isn’t exclusive to romance but no matter WHO does it – it’s wrong. Why? Because, again, it’s all about the pathological LYING and about making promises that you don’t intend to keep…over and over and over. It’s about lying to get what you want with deliberate intent and it is different than any other type of relationship. There is nothing normal or standard or typical about these behaviors and therefore, the “break-up” is very complex. It’s not as simple as saying “there are users and there are the “used”. Is that how you see people in relationships…really? Personally, I don’t feel that being the user or the used are the only choices we have but I can say without a doubt that this is EXACTLY how a narcissist thinks and therein lies the problem. It’s not okay to play the future-faking game and a decent person simply doesn’t do it. Maybe when we’re sixteen we might, but not as adults. And you’re right…we can’t “fix” people but the key is to find someone who is on your level, not “better”. What is “better” anyway? How would you even define that? Again, that’s what a narcissist looks for…someone “better”…so they can break them down. It’s far from typical and you have to live it to understand it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Hi Andy,

I always say that, when we’re involved with these people, we get addicted to the very drama that we hate. Was it FUN? Uh…no. Most of the time, we don’t really even know what’s happening. No one said it was black and white. If it was black and white, we wouldn’t have anything to discuss. On this blog, all I can do share my experience. In over eighty articles that I’ve written here, I’ve tried to hit every aspect of this particular relationship dynamic so that we can understand the behaviors. Understanding is the key to reacting appropriately.

And, no, I don’t still love him. Thankfully, that feeling – along with much of the anger – fades with time. It’s been over four years now and my life is very happy. There was a time when I thought happiness would never come so that’s another reason I’m here…to tell everyone that it does!

Zari:)