it’s like pulling teeth to have her say those 3 words. come to think of it, in the last 20+ years, i could count the times she said it. i guess she was at least honest ?

yes, we have to STOP being the enabler and for me it has started.

Thanks for replying, i thing i didnt make clear is he is my best friends son. I have known him since birth and he is close with both me and hubby. I am trying to work out if he has bpd or npd if either. His upbringing was full of emotional neglect. Since i posted things are a lot better but not back to normal.

Hi Je,

So sorry for responding so late. First of all, I don’t understand how a teenager can be your “very close friend” if you are an adult. In my mind, this is not possible. This is obviously someone your daughter rejects so why would you be worried about taking care of him? If he’s rude to you, unappreciative of how you’ve tried to help, accusing you of stalking, etc. CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He is a teenager who obviously has issues that are not your problem. We can’t be everything to everybody and if he’s doing this now, can you imagine what he’ll be doing as an adult? God help us all. Stay as far away from his as possible. You are never obligated to take care of other people’s children. Family, maybe, but not a random teenager who your daughter had a crush on. Obviously your daughter came to your sense and you need to as well. Just say NO.

Zari:)

Anne this was such a breath of fresh air to read.
Yes, you are at peace, we are all at peace when the N decides to finally make his disappearing act final. It is completely horrifying and devastating to watch them walk out the door, but healing does take place over time. I would rather feel this gut wrenching feeling than to experience that life with an N. The abuse, lies, manipulation, cheating, game playing, did I mention lies 🙂
You feel like your head is constantly spinning and when you start to make sense of things and they figure out you are on to them, they take off, they abandon you and every single vulnerability that you have, they play on them. They do this to weaken you so you will take them back with open arms out of pure relief to avoid the hurt of being abandoned. Its so sick and so sad and you can only get a grasp on it when you are not in contact with them and start the healing process.
The tears, exasperation, loneliness etc is worth not having to experience the Narcissistic Cycle…for life.

Congrats to you for letting him go and remember, they ALWAYS have supply. They can’t function off just one soul and they don’t believe in love nor are they capable so…they aren’t in it for the relationship. They are in it for the feed. They are sick.

We are free.

I’m grateful you found your way to my book and to my website, Anne! OUR HEALTH IS REALLY OUR WEALTH is spot-on. Thank you for sharing, sister!….xo

Then a girlfriend recommended I read Zari’s book. I literally did not put it down over two or three days. I was amazed that this was an actual condition and that another human being had experienced the very same torment I had. The book was a god-send a life changer.

I celebrated him leaving me for his new bit of the side – I also pray for her daily because as much as he and his family want to portray that he is so happy I know he will be treating her just the same. I am free.

Once you have experienced a sociopath once, you really will never tolerate another. I’ve met several since and I can sniff them a mile off.

I’m single now for almost two years and I do sometimes feel lonely but I am grateful to feel content and have peace of mind. Our health is really our wealth.

Much love and eternal gratitude, Sister Zari <3

Hi Anna,

Nope, the narc doesn’t have to be told anything. Just go silent and block, block, block. If he comes to the door, run in the other room and stick your fingers in your ears until he goes away. Thankfully, a narc isn’t that motivated to do much else. What no contact does is make the distance between his hoovers and appearances longer so that you can get stronger. He’ll get the hint, believe me.

Zari xo

I’m in the first & last silent treatment (4 days now over a very minor disagreement) with a new boyfriend of a month. It completely caught me off guard. Your posts have helped me immensely to see the situation for what it is.

I’ve only contacted him once (after 3 days) to see what the deal was & to ask if he wanted to talk. He replied several hours later, “not now, maybe later”. When I read that I was like WTF? What kind of answer is that? But it hurts when someone just abruptly goes silent on you.

I did decide I’m not interested in being w someone like that. I don’t want a relationship where the default mode is a silent treatment. It’s a mind f**k. But it still hurts.

My question is do you contact them to tell them you are done & leaving the relationship or just disappear / go no contact too?

I don’t plan on contacting him again- & I want to break up w him. Does a N need to know this- that you are breaking up, or does the no contact tell him eventually?

Thank you.

C wrote...I even cut off friendships with all our mutual friends so he couldn’t get to me through them. This is so right and so important to do in order to really make the break. Cut the ties that bind!

Hello C,

Thank you for writing and I have a feeling that you know exactly what to do if he does return again. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Good for you for not responding to the post-three year disappearance. What balls these guys have, I swear! Hopefully he learned that you will NOT put up with his garbage anymore.

I understand that it reminds you of the abuse and, in a very twisted way, his hoovering after such a long time was intended to do this. Narcissists only return in order to keep you in the queue OR to always keep the narcissist in the back of you mind. The type of memories you have of this person do not matter to him as long as you have them. Isn’t that ridiculous? Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is keep on moving on and work towards increasing the emotional distance you have with the relationship. Since he tried and you so obviously rejected his advanced, I suspect he’s done. Congrats for a job well done!

Continue to stay strong!

Zari xo

And I sooooo agree about the situation with mutual friends. I did the same thing and it saved me.

This year, when he tried to come back after a 3 year silence, I didn’t respond. He stalked me for 6 months until I succeeded at blocking him everywhere including phone, social media and email.

I even cut off friendships with all our mutual friends so he couldn’t get to me through them. They never protected me and enabled his abuse so honestly, fuck them. They were terrible friends.

I haven’t heard a peep from my ex in 6 months. Does this mean he’s gone for good? I worry he’ll come back. If that happens, I’ll keep ignoring him, but it’s emotionally exhausting and reminds me of the abuse.