Kaelon I know exactly how you feel. Situation very similar. Maybe we can connect and help each other through this journey.

Hi Kaelon,

Do not think that a court won’t see how ridiculously over-the-top his correspondence with you sounds IF they ever have to look at it. That being said, I’m a bit confused as to why you have 50/50 when the child is so young. I just find that odd and wonder how that came about. Usually the courts would side with the mom on that since it makes no sense to confuse a baby with two homes. But since it IS that way, you need to have more confidence in the fact that YOU are the mom. There’s no reason why you can’t say what you feel like saying in a responsible manner in the Wizard. If you don’t agree with something, say it. And why do you have to ASK for a phone call?? If he denies it, well that’s a strike against him, isn’t it? He can’t DO that. You are the MOM. Why are you allowing him or his girlfriend to intimidate you? There’s no reason to feel alienated…he certainly doesn’t have MORE power than you at 50/50…it’s supposed to be EVEN. You simply have to make your time with your daughter as special as can be. By the plan alone, there’s nothing he can control unless you allow him to do it. He needs to stick to the rules. Unless there is a good reason why there is 50/50, you bet I’d be trying to modify that plan. How does that even work…50/50 with a two year old??? If more “visitation” is what you want, then you must at least try. Stand up for yourself with this awful person! You are the MOM, sister:)

Zari xo

Dennis you obviously do not know what a narc is. He breaks his vows on a continuous basis day by day by day with his abuse and his disrespect and his mind games. So the victim should obey God’s rules but the narc doesn’t have to…
God is a God of love and therefore He won’t allow us to feel guilty about divorcing a person that has never kept to his vows or live according to God’s commandments.

It is hard enough to live with the knowledge that you can’t keep to the vows you made before God and friends and family – you do not have the right to add to that guilt.

Go read up about narcs first and then see for yourself that it is incurable because the narc can’t see any fault in their behaviour.

Anytime, girl:)

Zari,

Hugs right back at you! Thank you so much for these tips! Especially the one about how to handle the smear campaign. That’s the hardest one for me, but I know that you’re right – my kids will see the difference in time.

If it weren’t for articles like yours, I wouldn’t know what to look out for or how to handle it.

Many blessings!

Em wrote…My husband (a non-Christian) abandoned me. It was horrific. He told his family the most crushing lies about me. I begged him to go to marriage counseling. He wouldn’t. He doesn’t understand why this hurt our children. So, by Biblical standards, I’m free. If he really followed Jesus, that would be different. We ought to be able to reconcile then, because he’d be tuned in to God’s loving voice.

Hi Em,

THANK YOU for your response to Dennis AND for the verses to go with it. I could hug you! You said it EXACTLY right and I am most appreciative.

Zari xoxo

Dennis, while it is admirable that you want to follow Christ, you are remembering one command while forgetting two others:

1 Corininthians 7:15 – but if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

1 Corinthians 5:12 – 13
What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

So, in other words, you are kind of trolling.

My husband (a non-Christian) abandoned me. It was horrific. He told his family the most crushing lies about me. I begged him to go to marriage counseling. He wouldn’t. He doesn’t understand why this hurt our children. So, by Biblical standards, I’m free. If he really followed Jesus, that would be different. We ought to be able to reconcile then, because he’d be tuned in to God’s loving voice.

By telling these people who’ve suffered unbelievably at the hands of monsters – real monsters – that they’re wrong because Jesus wouldn’t approve… you’re making Jesus sound like a narcissist. The very person who has hurt them.

People have to know who Christ is and that His love is true and infinite before they’ll care about Jesus’ wisdom.

Dennis,

Save your bible-thumping trolling for another site. You don’t have the spiritual credentials to judge me or anyone else for that matter and you certainly don’t have the authority to tell us what our choices are. People like you interpret the Bible to suit your own twisted ideologies. The God that I grew up with doesn’t want ANYONE to walk this earth abused and unhappy and he certainly doesn’t expect it from one sex and not the other. If I’m not mistaken, the Bible also states that there is evil on this earth that is just that – evil. Evil is un-fixable and narcissism is evil and, therefore, not worth the wait. Moreover, everyone who has written here HAS waited for years. I, for one, gave my ex 13-years of chances and that was plenty. There are men and women here who have waited much longer. So, find something else to do with your time instead of trolling websites where people come to each other for support. My guess is that you are alone and so you should be.

Zari

Your welcome, sister! The court website is https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ and I think it’s a great idea. I wish that had been available when i was going through all that. It would have saved me a whole lot of grief:)

xo

Hi Countrygirl17,

Thank you for sharing your story and it is heartbreaking. However, the truth is that those children aren’t his and no amount of attention on your part (or even his) is going to change that. I don’t see any point at all in contacting her. All it would do is open up that can of worms you fear and cause you all kinds of grief. If your husband has pretty much given up then you need to too. I suppose you could continue to send birthday cards and holiday cards to the children in hopes that one day when their older they’ll come around by themselves. Other than that, you have to weigh it out and I just don’t see any good coming of it. Hopefully, the children are cared for and safe and you can hope for that.

Although I appreciate your compassion and concern and worry, the other truth is that it really should be your husband who reaches out because technically he is the “closest” to the kids. Again, though, they are not his and I do believe that if they were his he would be going all out to try and see them. Even he has to feel some kind of disconnect given the circumstances and perhaps stepping back is what he feels is best. The last thing he wants to do is reach out to see the kids and the first time he does something she doesn’t like, she’ll throw out the fact that they aren’t his. I imagine she has probably already done that here and there.

Yes, it is very sad for you, your husband, and for the children but my thinking is that, now that there has been a separation, it may just be better to keep it that way for all involved. I’m sorry for your trouble and hope this helps. It’s just my opinion though…I’m here to support you no matter what, sister:)

Zari xo

Hi Mariya,

Well, you’re going to have to pick your battles here with the co-parenting. I agree NOT to talk smack about him in front of the kids – even though he will surely talk about you with no problem. Ignore it. The truth is that the kids grow up remembering who the bad talker was and they will automatically gravitate towards the other parent. Now, having said that, what things does he do with them that is wrong and how important is it really? Do they come back from dad’s thinking everything is their fault? If that’s the case, my thinking is that you only say something if they say something. If they’re walking around looking sad and forlorn, find out why and then CASUALLY say, “Oh that’s just dad, you know how he is. It’s not your fault at all and he knows it.” THEN I would talk to HIM and tell him what happened and that he better not do it again. If there are things that he does wrong that AFFECTS them in horrible, negative ways then YEAH say something to HIM about it. But if it’s just things that you know you hate about him but the kids are okay when they come back and don’t seem any worse for the wear, then leave it alone. The things with narcissists is that they will always dig their own parental grave anyway and the kids figure this out on their own. If you don’t want to speak to him at all, why don’t you try that website ourfamilywizard.com where you can set it up so that all communications is done through the website. This way, if you ever have to go back to court, it’s documented. Narcissists usually hate it but that’s okay because they will write crazy things as if the court won’t even look (but they will) and the other partner can respond calmly and always look like the better person (which you are). Just a thought.

But yeah, pick your battles. Kids are smart and they already know whats up and they know who is the more secure functioning parent. Don’t address it unless you really have to. If the kids complain, just say “I know…that’s the way daddy is and I know it’s not right but things will be okay. Just know its never your fault, k?” They’ll be just fine, mom:)

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Thank you so much for these articles, they are really helpful in trying to navigate this minefield!

One question, I don’t want to talk badly about my ex in front of the kids ( they are 12 and 13 years old) but I do feel they need to know how his behaviour was wrong and how sometimes the things he does with them is wrong and not their fault. Though obviously they have seen a lot of the abuse themselves, but how can I address this without bad mouthing him ??

thanks

Hi Dubs,

It’s called “Our Family Wizard” and here’s the link.:)

Zari xo

Yes, C and Zari… I am very interested in this tracker as well as the parent website you mentioned… any help would be great!

Hi C I am interested in finding out about the tracker you use? Ex N always says he “didn’t see the message” but I know he did. Returning back to Court next week for the 1827483758437 millionth time and requesting Court program for contact. Currently using Gmail. Thanks!