Just wanted to say thank you. This article is sad but so enlightening.

Thank you, Cheryl!

Forewarned is forearmed. My EX-brother is a malignant narcissist. He doesn’t work, because he took all of my SIL’s funds from her when she left him. (She wanted to escape him so badly that she surrendered her house and all of her savings — from smart investments and a CPA income — to him before he signed the divorce. [He physically abused her.]) He is now living on the $400,000 investment income he stole from my mother (before she died).

My theme is this : your ex’s wife may not be working now, but once she knows more facts about him, she can (1) start to make an escape plan to get her children and herself away from him ; (2) she can start investigating him to find his hidden assets (and unless he’s living paycheck-to-paycheck, very good odds he has hidden assets) ; and (3) she can start planning for an independent future, with the children, away from him, look for work, and find a good lawyer who will force him to pay child support.

Do her the kindness of giving her the truth. Damage him as much as you can.

Hi Barb,

Hope you are surviving the flying monkeys! Stay strong and I’m glad you enjoyed the book:)…xo

I should say, at this point, that I am a man who recently ended a relationship with another man. He is actually married to his wife, has 3 children, and lives with them all. The story he told me to make me “OK” with this, is that he came out to his wife 5 years ago. He told me he lives in the basement, while his wife resides upstairs in the master bedroom. A situation occurred where they had to halt their divorce and work together for “awhile”… there are so many more details, I could write a response longer than your original articles giving his version of the “explanation of this.”

I could go on and on, and would love to connect with you via email to explain my story, so you could see how amazingly your article lines up with it. I truly feel like you must know this guy. Either that, or you are dead on regarding this personality disorder.

What I hate most about this disorder, is that it hurts the others, so much worse than it hurts the actual N.

The N never actually gets hurt. It’s so unfair. And I actually have all the ammunition I need to completet take this person to their knees (no pun intended). I actually think about doing that. Not to hurt him (though that might be the reason in the back of my head), but to save others from him. His wife is at risk of having to split custody with him, having to move from their home, many other things. She doesn’t work, as he has her right where he wants her. If I were to provide the proof necessary, she could have everything. But at the same time, if I did that, he may no longer be able to work and provide for them, as I know he would be devastated. Maybe the best thing is to leave it alone. But I know for a fact that he has unprotected sex outside of his marriage. Is it wrong for me to not make her aware?

I truly don’t know what the right thing to do I’m this situation is.

Kyle

Hi Shachi,

I’m grateful to be able to help:) Have an awesome holiday and plan a new year that is focused on YOU. Life is too short to have to put up with these fools.

Zari xo

Admittedly, i am at the equally non-functional polar opposite of being often literally paralysed by being ignored, but I noticed it more so during times when she was either at work, weekends away with friends or just generally when not in my physical presence. And i must saybi have made the adjustment for ‘normal gaps of communication’.
Bottom line is that when we are together (relationship for 3yrs / living togther 2yrs) its wonderful, close, intimate: everything an ideal relationship can be, but I noticed early a clear distinction between myself, her friends, her relatives, her work etc. Each overlaps, but only sufficiently to avoid too clear a distinction.

I love her with all my heart, which is mostly worn to much in a small glass perforated container, attached to a tear soaked sleeve, but i guess the best description i have come up with, is that i feel that im being ‘managed’. Not in a demonstrably demanding way. Far from it. Its a gentle caressing management, where its oftern impossible to see the strings operating at the time, but its clear that a great deal if effort goes into telling me critically what i want to hear to keep things ticking along.

I am not angry at all anymore because i can also discern a complete lack of ill intent. It seems to be a function mechanism more than anything.

BuT… the problems have been escalating and i feel / fear that i must now be proactive abiut either helping her out, or moving on. THAT is the very last thing i want and will exhaust any and all other options, but to date i have let far too many things slide. Far to many things that transgress my own ethics and standards.

Anyway, i felt compelled to leave a message to say this, as well as wondering whether in the only male who seems to attract these types. I guess it also says alot about me and my part in providing supply to these types.

Im still hoping that love will be enough to perhaps right the ship

Thanks RW…You read my mind because I have been thinking about writing more about this. Realizing that I was just one of many and as UNIMPORTANT as the next was pivotal in that it freed me from having to always try to be better than whoever I thought he was with or wanted to be with. Like you said, when I realized I couldn’t ever change the results…when that SUNK IN..recovery was right around the corner (and we hadn’t even split up yet). The acceptance of this fact is so important and working toward it can start at any time for ANYBODY.

I’ll write more about it and thanks for confirming the message!

Zari xo

Yes, please do write more on this topic! Understanding the “level playing field” aspect has been the key to my healing as well, once I understood that there was nothing I ever could have done differently to change the outcome. It makes more sense out of the lingering confusion that has been so difficult to process, and also helps me to maintain a strict NC. Thank you for this article.

Hi Rose,

Thank you and I once I realized that fact – that I was no more important than the next person or the person before or the stranger he glanced at in the check-out line – my entire perspective of my relationship changed. It was like a revelation that set me free, I swear to God. I probably need to write more about that because it truly is key to separating from madness once and for all:)

Zari xo

Hi Naomi,

Thank you for the kind words! Reminding everyone is what my mission is all about so I’m glad it’s working! Continue on to peace and happiness….:)

Zari xo

The narcissist never hates or loves or likes you any more or less than he hates, love, or likes the stranger who stood next to him in an elevator this morning. When we view the relationship with the narcissist from this perspective, we can get a better understanding of why it ends in the callous way that it does and we can then take the pain a lot less personally. You, my friend, were never the problem.

Hi Naomi,

Thank you for the kind words and I’m grateful to be able to help in any way that I can. The way I see it, we’ve all got to stick together because there isn’t a single soul other than those who’ve experienced it who will ever understand. hence, my reason for writing the books and creating this website:)

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Sabri,

Please go over all of my responses to you because in one of them I know that I said please don’t start thinking that he had a right to treat you this way because of your situation. This guy is a complete loser – a jerk, an asshole, whatever you want to call him. As for you being of no value to him, you sure were of value when he was accepting the gifts! Do NOT turn this around so that you are feeling beaten down. As I said before, there are a couple of things happening here. The fact is that you ARE married so if he was treating you especially bad because of that, what difference could it possibly make, do you know what I mean? He knew exactly what was happening and he used it against you in a very mean way. I’m telling you, this guy is a con man. Please do not think that there is a single thing you could have done – even getting divorced – that would have changed his behavior.

I understand that this is hard and I do hope that you consider a consultation with me because the situation is complicated. I want to help you as best I can and I’m concerned that communicating via this way is not helping you to understand. Maybe I’m wrong but I do see that you’re still wondering the same things and feeling confused about it. No matter what you could have done, he would have still done what he did. And he will continue to do it to every girl he meets because this is what he does. I am right about this, trust me.

Stay strong, sister!

zari xo

Hi Debi,

Hope you are doing well, girl:) I’m getting confused on who I did and didn’t get back to and so sorry. A quick comment on one of your posts relative to family. Narcissist could care less about even their own children. I know it’s hard to wrap our heads around that but therein lies the difference between the soul of an N and the soul of people like you and me and anyone with a heart. Children are usually used as pawns only to torment the ex and there’s not much reason after that. This is why a narcissist will inevitably disappear from the lives of their children after the ex gets settles with a new guy and it’s clear she can’t be pushed around anymore OR when the N hooks up with a girl that he CAN push around whereby keeping him too busy to see the kids. It’s very sad. So, yes, to a narcissist, family is of no value. In fact, there isn’t a damn thing in his life except his own ego that means an iota of anything.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Pamala,

I just had to comment on your response to Sabri and I have to say that it’s not unusual to feel desperate for answers. I know that I felt that way so many times that I can’t count. Not everyone is going to be in the same place over the situation as you are so try to be understanding of that. Desperation was my middle name for many years and if I can help someone understand why it happened, I will. Eventually we all get to a place of acceptance, as you know, but the road up is long and slippery and sometimes we need a little push. It’s hard to understand what’s happening when you’re in the thick of it which is why I’ve written my books and created this website.

Zari

What do you think Zari..do you think that is the case he treated me horribly?
Just wondering…

I’m concerned on why you are wasting all your time wondering what he is doing “means”? If you want to get over him why would you even look or notice that he unblocked you? To move on you need to stop seeking out what he is doing. Who cares if he unblocked you? Who cares if he wants you to contact him? Your messages read like you still want to play this game with him. Count your blessings he’s not contacting you and move forward with your husband or not, but be thankful you are being left alone and fade away. Not all of us are this lucky to have them disappear. Some of us are being constantly bugged because by our N.