Comments on: Narcissist Abuse & Our Codependency to Hope

By: Theo Silva

Theo Silva — Tue, 01 Feb 2022 03:48:01 +0000

Hi my name is Theo.
I have been in a corrosive relationship for 10 years I from Belgium she was from New Zealand. The Nascisit behavior has horrible effects in my daily life.
The fear of being atact and putting down as well financially.
To anyone is in a Narcisiste relationship work away immediacy.look for support this people are Maquiavelic Dangerous people.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 09 Dec 2018 07:55:21 +0000

In reply to BetterLateThanNever. That's right...Amen to that!

By: BetterLateThanNever

BetterLateThanNever — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:24:09 +0000

Then, before we know it, years have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I’m finally divorcing my N after 24 YEARS and 3 kids. Its been at least a dozen years since the last time we were truly financially secure, yet we continued to stick it out year after year by believing his “future faking” promises and remembering the great years we used to enjoy.

It was very painful to finally accept that it ISN’T going to get better, and that even if he DID manage to begin making decent money like he did over a decade ago, it would only be a matter of time before he lost THAT job and we’d be right back to where we started.

Ladies, DO NOT WASTE YOUR BEST YEARS on an N. It WILL NOT get better, it will only get worse. It’s best to cut bait NOW, while you still look young and thin. Lol

There are better men out there, men who don’t live on a steady diet of lies, word salads, and false promises.

By: BetterLateThanNever

BetterLateThanNever — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:52:26 +0000

I’m currently looking for posts which explore the relationship between people (women) who fall in love with Ns, and those who grew up with a parent who had a Cluster B disorder (like NPD, BPD, APD, etc).

I firmly believe that part of my vulnerability to my ex-Ns love bombing came from spending my formative years with a Borderline mother.

Borderline mothers are infamous for instilling feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame in their daughters. When you grow up with messages of “You are responsible for my feelings,” the shenanigans of an N in your life seem normal.

I wonder how many victims of Ns actually had a personality-disordered parent?

P.S. It wasn’t until I went through therapy, and eventual NC, with my BPD mother that I was able to see the similarities between her and my N husband. It took another 15 years after that before I gave up trying to fix him, gave up waiting on him to change and “be better”. Still, I finally became ready to face my codependency and separate from him for good. What kills me now is that I feel I’ve wasted the best years of my life on that man.

By: Julie

Julie — Sun, 21 Oct 2018 06:05:50 +0000

I am stuck with an angry crazy narcissist and I need help.. this is so deeply bad but I still love him some how.. but the more I read on this website the more I realize how terrible it is. And I live with him. I wrote an email to Zari and I’m going to post it here for some support.. this is only a small peak behind the curtain that is my life.. like many of us, I’m assuming, it is so much deeper than what I’m about to copy and paste on here from the email I sent.. so deep I’d have to write a book to fuckin explain the last year and a half of my life.. and even though I’ve obviously always known it.. it’s only now becoming real to me.. or maybe I’m finally realizing that it’s not okay.. ps.. I’ve lived with him for a year and a half.. anyway here’s the email I sent..

I’ve been sitting here reading excerpts from your book/books all night. My boyfriend is a textbook narcissist but he is also a violent mean mean one. At the same time he can be innocent and loving and I still love him very much. I was willing to put up with this until I recently went through his phone (which I had to do because he left it at home one day by accident and he never lets me near it) and I found he had cheated on me a year ago.. now we have only been together about a year and a half but we were good friends for a few months beforehand (back then I didn’t know how narcissistic he really was) anyway he claims he “wasn’t used to being in a relationship yet” which is such bullshit but I just know that wasn’t the only time.. I have taken a lot of shit from him including beatings and severe verbal abuse that has made me lose my self worth. In fact my self worth is completely dependent on him.. or it was. I realize who he is the more I read about it on your website. He controls all the money I am never allowed to keep money myself.. I have gotten to a place where I’m comfortable but I can’t deal with the fact that he is a total cheater, this has broken my heart completely.. more than all the abuse, more than all the horrible, evil things he has said and done to me.. but the more I read about narcissists and cheating, the more I realize it’s just who he is and I become more and more hopeless about this relationship. I really really would like to speak to you i just want someone to talk to who really understands

That was part of it.. anyway I’d like to get to know other victims of this abuse and try to get some help from people who really understand, thanks.

By: Pat

Pat — Thu, 26 Jul 2018 18:07:41 +0000

I was involved in an affair with a married man for 16 years. He made many promises that he would leave but there was always an excuse. When I threatened to leave he would love bomb me back into submission. He was involved in my life as much as any spouse Mon-Fri raising my children with me and having dinner at our home every night. Coming to family gatherings, basically living a double life. I treated him and considered him as my husband, even though I knew better. He liked me keeping my self for him.
His wife had some idea something was happening but not to the degree it was. At the end I couldn’t take the excuses anymore and told him he had to make a choice. He did, he decided to tell his wife he had an affair and he wanted forgiveness. He left out the details of how long and that we shared a child. She took him back. When I did not accept the terms of remaining “friends” he turned his back on me, the child we raised and anything in my life. At least that is what he told her but secretly he would still communicate with me. The breakup happened 5 years ago. Since that time I have found my way to a much happier life with my kids, professionally and emotionally. I have met an amazing man who I have been with for 4 years who has taught me what real love is. my family adores him. He has helped me in my journey to get over the devastation I felt when the affair ended.
5 years later guess who has now come back saying he misses me, I am the best thing that ever happened to him, he loves me, he doesn’t want to lose me. I am his soulmate…etc etc. and guess who is still married and unsure if he wants to stay married.
Needless to say he is starting to take up space in my mind and I am struggling. I don’t understand why because I know better. HELP!

By: Carly

Carly — Sun, 01 Apr 2018 23:34:52 +0000

My experience with a N has rocked me. I have children that where not his that gave me the strength I needed to break away and so far stay strong through the first hoovering attempt.
As far as I know he didn’t cheat on me but he used (hard/party) drugs. After a very intense magical start to the relationship I said I didn’t want the drugs near the boys or me. He promised to stop. Because he loved us more. And lasted maybe 8 weeks before massive mood swings and behaviour shifts. Then said he didn’t care about the promise or how I felt & he deserved to have regular leave passes. This broke me. I said ‘no’ He actually sulked and behaved like a 2 year old. It didn’t change for 2 months. In that time he tried being cruel to make me change my mind he tried telling me if I used with him I’d be more fun and I’d understand & id be smart to keep him around so he can educate my boys how to use smartly instead of them trying to survive with only me. There was a time I started to believe him. In this time we also had an adults only holiday that was awkward and cold. I asked him if he even liked me while we were away. It took another month before I had finally found the strength to walk away.
He all of a sudden was broken and hurt and could see how horrible it had been. He would give me 150% if I took him back. When his mum told him I was not coming back. It was like a switch was flicked. I was dead to him.
I’ve been left an anxious shell and my mum and sisters have not understood and stayed away because I’m to sad to be around. I can’t shske it & I’m at my end. How did this happen in 7 months?

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 08:45:35 +0000

In reply to Ashleigh Jenkins.

Hi Ashleigh…I responded to your earlier post first. Sorry it has taken me so long to get back…xo

By: Ashleigh Jenkins

Ashleigh Jenkins — Sun, 25 Jun 2017 17:04:02 +0000

Please help. I was involved in one of these horrible situations. Nearly everything about the guy, I now see, is NPD. I am certain I am a victim of this abuse. I can’t stop thinking about it, even though it’s been a month and a half since he and I last spoke.
It is driving me crazy and I am suffering from deep depression.
The funny things I don’t understand about the whole thing I really need some clarity on, to help me move forward. I would purchase a consultation in a heartbeat, but during this entire drama with this man, I lost my job and I am currently unemployed.
He would never call me his girlfriend, just a special friend. He claimed he was emotionally unavailable, never knew if he would be ready for a relationship again. We were involved for nearly a year. The beginning was amazing but a few months in is when the hot and cold and silent treatments began. Just all the typical things you talk about in your articles. In the end I found out he had a girlfriend, became engaged, then married and expecting a child during the time he was also with me. He ended up completely abandoning me when I told his wife everything, changing his phone number, which he threatened he would do if I told. What I don’t understand is why he told me he loves her an not me? Why would he marry her and claim her but not me or anyone else? He would also show a lot of signs that he was aware what he was doing was wrong/told me I deserve better. He would claim he had bipolar disorder, but didn’t show symptoms of that. He said his wife understood how to handle his “bipolarness” and I didn’t. Do these things still indicate he is in fact a narcissist? He admitted he knew he has something wrong with him and he’s crazy. I just really need help to understand. I also don’t feel I will ever hear from him again, based on how I ruined his game. I just pray for peace inside my tormented mind.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 09:16:21 +0000

In reply to Patrick Smith.

Hi Patrick,

It seems to me that you’ve been granted a golden opportunity – YOU’RE ALREADY OUT! Why go back to that? She sure sounds like a female narc to me and they are the worst of the worst. OF COURSE she will accuse you of being a narcissist…they always do that. In fact, they constantly accuse you of exactly what they are and what they’re doing at the time. Like little children, they give themselves away. And when they’re not accusing, they’re distracting and gaslighting you so that u don’t know down from up, truth from lie….but your gut knows and it tells you whats up all the time. We must learn to always pay attention. Your intuition is never ever wrong.

And yes, the affair has become her justification to CONTROL and TORMENT and basically DEVALUE you until the end of time if you allow it. Narcissists LOVE to have just one incident that they can hold over your head…an incident that, in their mind, cancels out all of their bad behaviors up to and even after that point. Doesn’t matter that she had an affair or TEN affairs…you had one and that’s the end of that. Therapy doesn’t help because narcissists don’t care about anything. They know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit.

My recommendation is to cancel couples therapy, file for a divorce, get therapy for the childhood thing if you must and begin your new life. If you’re already out, be glad you got that out of the way! Legally, make sure you get to see the kids and don’t play into her game about that. Don’t talk shit about her…in fact, the more silent you remain, the worse she looks to the rest of the world. It just didn’t work out and yeah, I had an affair. Ooops! Oh well! So did she! Keep all interaction with her to ten minutes and no more and only if its about the kids and only if its necessary. Be done with her. Why are you self-loathing? because of the affair? Who cares??? She’s not a nice person and she has been manipulating you for years. If there was one affair, there were many many more. She just happened to get caught on that one. Narcs don’t change. The love and tenderness you are waiting for will never come. Get out now and stick up for yourself.

Zari xo

By: Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 06:30:15 +0000

Hi I need some help or advice here please here my wife cheated on me about 5 years ago I tried to forgive her but I cheated on her 3 months ago and she freaked and threw me out. Anyways she was always telling me I am a Narcissist so I started to read and Lo and behold she came leaping off the pages at me. [1] The lack of empathy , I had a kidney stone attack. I was home watching the kids when I let her know it was coming on she shuts off her phone ? I had the flu recently and I said I need some TLC she was like not from me , I was abandoned well hurts a child so it brought up some deep triggers, if this was post my affair but no sadly that has been going on for years and now its like my affair gave her a license to be mean. And she says she wants reconciliation but in 3 months she gave me one peck and sometimes hugs sometimes not, but mostly just snappy mean disrespectful behaviour , when I seriously said I was done she cried and begged me not too her behaviour changed for a few days but that did not last.. { I feel like a mouse being toyed with by a cat.} of course I am hyper dependant on that. [2] Well at couples therapy when I wanted to talk about my childhood medical issue that tied into her lack of empathy , She said we talked a bout this last week she already heard it. I asked the therapist and she was like no she never. …. isn’t this called gas lighting ?? She frequently try to convince me that things did not happen like they did IE: she now says her affair was only a text thing , although when I caught her she had flown him to a hotel. I just feel beaten, broken chewed up and discarded I have never felt this slf loathing like i have after separating ??? I am confused ok thanks

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 23 Feb 2015 20:30:32 +0000

In reply to Christine. Christine wrote...It turns out, I don’t need his divine guidance after all and can live perfectly fine without him–no, actually, better than just fine, but even leading a better life without him. However, then I realized it wouldn’t be worth the effort. I think my silence in all this time and not groveling back to him will probably send the message clearly enough anyhow. Well said, girlfriend! Zari xo

By: Christine

Christine — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 08:44:45 +0000

In reply to Melissa.

Hi there Zari and company! I’ve been a bit MIA lately but wanted to just check in (been crazy busy with moving to a new place in the new year). I just wanted to give encouragement that once you let time do its thing, there truly is light on the other side. It’s been 6 months since I left my N, and I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I have a new lease on life now with a new place and even new love (dating a nice guy now. I obviously don’t recommend anyone jump into a new relationship right away but, over time, it is possible). Oh hell, after what I went through with the N, I feel like any normal relationship will be a cake walk by comparison. I don’t even mind run-of-the-mill assholes any more, because at least with them, you know up front what you’re getting.

Lately the only thought I had about the N was wishing I could break no contact just once, to let him know how wrong he was about me and puncture his ego just a little. It turns out, I don’t need his divine guidance after all and can live perfectly fine without him–no, actually, better than just fine, but even leading a better life without him. However, then I realized it wouldn’t be worth the effort. I think my silence in all this time and not groveling back to him will probably send the message clearly enough anyhow.

We can break our codependency to false hope, without breaking our spirits. It’s like this lyric in a Pink song, “we’re not broken just bent”. Keep the faith and keep strong everyone.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 12 Feb 2015 23:46:20 +0000

In reply to Melissa. Hi Melissa, It's been two years and three months since the narcissist in my life walked out one day and never came back. For the first time ever, I didn't go searching for him, driving around all hours of the night, and I didn't write letter upon letter trying to get him to respond. I just let it go and I'm doing just fine. Time really does heal all wounds but you have to let it do it's work. Please, if you get a chance, download my book When Love Is a Lie and maybe even Stop Spinning, Start Breathing from Amazon because they will go into detail about how I handled the process and what I went through long before it was over. You will relate to all of it. Stay strong! You deserve to be happy, my friend:) Zari xo

By: Melissa

Melissa — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 04:46:49 +0000

I am here now. This is the silent treatment after hovering number three. It’s a year later. Are you doing better?