Narcissist Abuse Recovery: Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge.

Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure from a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know because I, too, did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”

Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???

Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want and need so badly from these unfeeling and uncaring partners. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending upon the narcissistic situation, what is this unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?

Since much of our time is spent during narcissist abuse recovery crying and weeping and maybe even whining over this lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure would be for us, correct?  The form of closure we envision in our mind should be at the forefront given that we spend so much time grieving its absence so what exactly is it. Well, keep reading and I will tell you……

Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About

Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and the problem) about this elusive “closure” concept we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.

 “Closure” is a made-up word that our society, the movies, and all romance books use to signify a happy or peaceful ending. It’s a word used to describe all those endings in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure in real life simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with any ending of any sort because any relationship that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings but damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence at the ending of these types of relationships is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, what form of “closure” could the narcissist ever provide that would make a damn bit of difference after all that you’ve been through? We’ve been dealing with narcissistic lies and manipulative narcissistic tactics for years now – why on earth would we believe anything he has to say?And, since we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2 about closure that you won’t see in a book or on other websites: what we really want is revenge.

Now, let’s talk about that.

Thinking about getting revenge on these jerks doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us normal. I’m talking about this issue honestly because it has to be done. Wanting to get even with these guys is a huge part of the break-up relative to our feelings and you just can’t ignore it because “getting revenge” is considered politically incorrect or inappropriate.    Now, that being said, my own personal discovery or epiphany, after realizing that “closure” didn’t exist, is that we only cry about wanting “closure” because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems…well…too narcissistic.

What we really want is that little something else. The truth is this: Fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!

If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you a chance at closure, replace the concept of “closure” in your mind with “revenge” and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.

To be continued…click here for Part II…..