I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
Daniel
June 26, 2015 at 11:52 amI’m one of the lucky guys who crossed paths with a female narcissist. And she kind of mastered all the techniques listed here.
When we were just starting to get to know each other, she seemed really unhappy and was very flattering to me and when I would tell her about some dating disaster or other, she’d say things like ‘Daniel, you should just save all your dates for me.’ She’d talk about how much smarter and cooler and sophisticated and handsome I was than any other guy who had crossed her path. And she was insanely sexually aggressive. It was the love-bombing thing.
She had me locked in as her boyfriend around the first date and engaged within three months. And the engagement is when the devaluing stage started. While still together, we had sex at least once a day but she was starting to manage down those expectations by talking about how she ‘just wasn’t a sexual person’ and “worried” about what might happen if the amount of sex decreased in our relationship and already started talking about her concerns I’d cheat. (Later, I realized she had already started cheating me and was projecting while also pulling me through an emotional wringer for her own enjoyment. I was desperate to convince her of my loyalty. Ugh.)
Skip ahead a few months, she’s got us kicked out of our apartment, made me give up my job, and LEFT THE STATE once a cancer diagnosis came down. It becomes obvious she’s cheating. At the time, I bought half her bullshit and thought she was just troubled and a bad liar the other half of the time. It didn’t occur to me until later that she might be making it obvious in a quasi-deniable way to torture me on purpose during my cancer treatment.
She did the cell phone game thing. She’d block my number at the drop of a hat whenever I said or did something she didn’t like. And then she’d call up crying and telling me how she couldn’t live without me and emailing pictures of us in happier times.
Then, when I’m almost through the treatment, she puts me through the longest silent treatment of the relationship–three weeks. And then breaks it to inform me she’s dating someone else now. During the breakdown that followed, I sent her the photos she sent to me to remind me of our “connection”. Her response: “Don’t be stupid. Those were taken months ago.”
The history aspect of the relationship, in other words, was purely a manipulative tool for her and meant nothing.
A fw weeks ago, she called me to attempt to Hoover me. And I wanted to talk about the past, not getting back together now that the current guy wasn’t working out–in the months between the discard and the Hoover, literally 15 guys had found me and called or emailed to confess they had slept with her or that she had offered to sleep with them but blew them off, half were generally remorseful, half didn’t know we had broken up and were trying to get her in trouble, and most were creepy–and it pissed her off. And she reiterated that our connection never meant much to her, she hoped the cancer would come back and kill me, etc. And then she blocked my number again–but called a few times and left voicemails informing me she’d reconciled with the guy she left me for and was “in love, love, love” with him.
kristina
April 22, 2015 at 1:18 amHi, I just had to say how I’m so surprised / shocked by just how many people can actually not only relate, but word for word explain my same struggles …. it’s quite amazing, the similarities are unbelievable. They never talked about these messed up people who are a different kind of evil.
So I appreciate all your work and sharing. It is nice to know you’re not alone,I almost can’t believe it how this struggle I’m dealing with everyday non stop and the torment is actually common.?? Wow. This is horrible. I wish there was more easier and more ways to save yourself because for that many people to know, but it still not being addressed is sad. – -like how come they get away being like that? That’s mostly what gets me. Thanks for your work. Most spot on .
[url]http://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?threadid=110743&highlight=kaiser[/url] this and for it t
Heidi
April 21, 2015 at 10:28 amI met my ex 23 years ago. It started out fine but it has gotten progressively worse as the years go by. He was here on a student visa and not long after we met we moved in together. He left about 2 years later to go back home and I went every Christmas for 3 years to see him. We were still together but in 2 different countries. He has cheated on me and was going out with someone else and me at the same time for 3 months. He ended up marrying her and having kids. I stopped contact once I knew for 6 years and just recently (about 3 years ago) contacted him again via email and we started talking again. He said his marriage wasn’t working after 10 years and it was nice to have the contact again until 2 months later when it all changed. He started to ignore me, not tell me as much as before, go offline when I was online, stood me up in Amsterdam after we had made plans to meet up before I went to Germany for months, treated me to a one night stand which resulted in physical abuse, wouldn’t talk to me for months after and every time I see go to Germany and see him in Amsterdam, he gets worse. Just this past Christmas, I met him again and we spent a weekend together but not after making me wait for 10 hours at the airport before he could pick me up. Since I’ve been back home, he won’t tell me anything anymore at all. We only talk about everyday things. That is all the conversation he can handle he says. I am afraid of him and having anxiety attacks because I don’t know if he is with someone and he won’t tell me anything at all. Nothing to do with his private life at all. He’s been divorced for about 2 years now and when I saw him recently he said that he was focused on his 2 kids (8 and 12 years) right now, but I see he’s on Skype at 2 in the morning his time. He is 6 hours ahead of me. When we spoke about a month ago on Skype he was falling asleep at 1am so what is he doing on at 2am when he could barely stay awake when he was talking to me? I’m thinking it is another woman. He works in IT and he does talk to clients from all over the world but the fact that he has completely shut me out and won’t admit to doing anything wrong is making me nervous and scared. My birthday past just this past Friday and he didn’t even say anything. His brother did. I have recently been diagnosed with borderline depression from years of this. How do I let go and keep my sanity? I didn’t say anything to him about him not acknowledging my birthday and when he went offline when I went online on Skype. This is my 4th week of not talking to him, but I do watch or am on WhatsApp checking when he goes online. I can’t stop and go online on Skype when I see he’s there but don’t say anything. He knows I’m there but not a word. I am glad I found your website. It explains so much. He is a bit different in the fact that he wants me to move on and tells me to stop living in the past but then when we see each other we sleep together. He said the strangest thing last year as we were making out. He said not to get emotional and not to have any feelings and that he was my gigolo for the night. I didn’t think about it at the time but after I was home again it hit me. Wow. Did he really say that. He also said I don’t open up to him so I told him I haven’t been with anybody since him for 17 years. He said he’s been living his life, got married, had kids, etc. Now divorced but moved on. We then started getting intimate and was not gentle at all and tried something that ended up going horribly wrong and physically hurting me. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. What I should have done was smack him across the room but I didn’t and waited till I was about to fly home to tell him what he had done. He replied by saying he didn’t know and thought I was too tense. Let’s just say he found the wrong hole. Ouch! He didn’t talk to me because of personal issues or situations as he likes to call them for over 4 months. That was in May. I saw him again in December and he tried doing the same thing but not this time. Let’s just say the sex was over within 5 minutes. I waited 17 years for 5 minutes. He then fell asleep and never even mentioned it the next day. As if it never happened. I left for Germany with him saying we would see each other before I left to fly home but his daughter got sick and by some miracle got better the day I was leaving. He did call me and we talked more the last day I was there then the whole time. Personally I think he wanted to make sure I got on that plane. There is a lot more to write but I thought I would give you a bit of what has been going on for the last 3 years. I’ve known him for 23. I start counseling next week and my friends are trying to keep me busy. I haven’t cried in 4 days now. I have my moments and they are really bad. Crying for 6 hours and not knowing what to do. I just want the pain to stop!!!!
Reese
April 14, 2015 at 4:28 pmi just want to say without sounding corny and ridiculous that I literally cried reading this..and stumbled upon this at the perfect time. I was with my ex boyfriend (the narc) for a year and it was an amazing refreshing change in the beginning where he almost forced the idea of love down my throat and drilled it into my head with constant attention and explained at every chance he got how he was going to secure me and never have me doubt his intentions. For the first 5 months he did that until all his TRUE COLORS came running out after with the lies and constant disappearing acts and temporary discards that got worse and worse and then he’d always always ALWAYS return as if nothing ever happened asking me via text “can we talk” “I still love u..I’m sorry” that was a constant back and forth UNTIL finally one day I took him back and he pretended to want to fix things and make our relationship work and that he would do anything to get it back where it needed to be and that he just couldnt let go of what we had and couldnt stand to not be close and be in a bad space with eachother and as soon as I let him in we had “makeup sex” and he took me out acted lovingly all over again like when we first met then the very next day he ignored me and literally stopped speaking to me for good. I must’ve called a billion times and texted and he would give me those sick empty words ” ill call u back in a sec” and never would or did. No matter what I said and how I said it n how hurtful it was what he did and asking him WHY he would do all of that and beg to work things out just to leave..he never responded and 3 weeks later still til this day he has ignored me which is the longest he ever went ignoring me …before the longest was 5 days throughout the year we were together. It’s more than obvious he found new supply and is in the honeymoon stage with her and that’s why he could care less what’s going on with me and as sickening and horrible as he is it hurts like hell to know he doesn’t care one bit what he put me through or to even try and say sorry even the fake one. Clearly he brainwashed me so much that I know he’s not sincere and yet I still am in so much pain just knowing he wants nothing to do with me for no reason and out of nowhere and it’s literally killing me inside emotionally. The bastard still follows me on twitter eventhough I unfollowed him from every social media outlet it’s sick how he will favorite a tweet or keep up with what i do silently but won’t speak to me he’s sick. Knowing that he moved on and doesn’t want me is definitely a blow to my self esteem even more than before and I seriously couldn’t thank you enough for this article! It’s everything I needed. And I also want to thank you for mentioning to someone that people tend to think we attract narcs because of low self esteem but it’s definitely not the case! Before him I was sooo outgoing and positive and loving and open and happy in life and with everyone around me and it’s like they need that they’re attracted to that ..everything they’re not and it gives him pleasure to see me be an insecure needy hurt person now. I’m definitely still healing as its only been 3 weeks since I’ve spoken to him but I pray I can move forward and not let it affect me ever again. Your blog/ article is so on point and it’s honestly like a therapy session! Much needed. Thank you so much!!
Zari Ballard
April 15, 2015 at 10:47 pmHi Reese,
Thank you for writing and reading your story made me feel a knot in my stomach. I know EXACTLY how it feels to have them disappear and then return for the sole purpose of doing it all over again. And every discard is worse than the last. Do me a favor and PLEASE download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will think that we lived the same life! I’d love you to read it and then write back….I guarantee that my story will empower you even further and it will change your perspective on the whole ugly mess. Narcissists are so mean.
The little texts to get us back….why should we be accepting of such crumbs after being completely abandoned for no good reason? You will see in the book how I suffered hundreds of silent treatments….seduce and discard over and over. It takes a while to heal from that type of rejection and only those who have experienced the weirdness of a relationship w/ a narcissist will ever understand. Each and every person who comes here to share their story and every reader you reads my book…..we’re all one in the same just as our narcs are one in the same. All of us were confident, secure, intelligent beings who were tricked into loving a pretender who is capable of loving no one. It’s hard to believe what happens to us and much of it is so passive-aggressive that we don’t even know whats up until its way too late. It can be very isolating and completely hard to describe to others because nothing about it is normal! We FORGET what’s normal in this life. You must stay strong and keep always in your mind that a narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. There is no other reason.
I do hope you get the book and have a nice little read. It will go a long way towards healing your heart and it will assure you that YOU are not and never have been the problem, sister!
Stay strong!!
Zari xo
Reese
April 16, 2015 at 10:49 amThank you so much for that and for responding I am absolutely going to buy your book online as soon as I get home Im thankful that there’s people like you out there to share your story to help people like me and so many others realize we’re not the problem and not alone in something this horrible confusing painful and demeaning! Just to update you I got a text from him responding to an old text of mine yesterday and he went on and on (via text only) “explaining” why he stopped speaking. Blaming it on how I stressed him out and he wasnt with anyone new but his work in the studio consumes him. Complete lies but he continued to tell me he wanted to fix things and that I had to learn how to let go of the drama so we could move forward and that he never cut me off and i was never cut out of his mind” all lies I’ve heard before and as much as I knew NOT to respond back I did smh and he continued texting back for a good hour of telling him how wrong he was (which I know means zero in their minds) then POOF he disappears again!! I text and say “you’re ignoring me again? Unbelievable. ” he texted back “I’m busy doing something right now sorry ill hit u back chill out” …and surprise surprise.. Never texted or heard from him again. The torture I allow myself to experience is insane. I think I genuinely need to change my number soon and I hope I’m strong enough to let it go for good because the pattern has always been obvious its just the raw emotion and pain is still there and it’s so fresh that when he comes back it’s hard not to give him a piece of my mind. Its been the worst emotional painful depressing rollercoaster of my life in a relationship and I cant wait for the day to be fully over this. Again..TONS of thank you’s I can’t wait to buy the book and I know it’s what I need to understand this is something we all go through so it doesn’t feel like some sortve isolation and craziness only I’ve experienced. I will absolutely update you after I’ve read it. Thank you for the encouragement to getting me on this road of healing!
Andrea
March 6, 2015 at 5:11 pmWow! I just found your blog. I have been struggling to find the words to describe my situation and you get it!!! My ex husband and I just divorced this past summer. We were married 19 1/2 years. He REMARRIED 5 months after the divorce. Crushing. He was diagnosed NPD two years prior and thats what started the downfall. I am going to order your books and read, read, read!! Thank you for sharing your experiences. The only positive thing out of these horrible experiences is being able to help someone else!!
kevin
February 27, 2015 at 9:33 amLeft my N on december the 02 Last year, I couldn’t take much more and seen the path i was going down it would have meant having to give up my two children from a previous relationship, she took everything my friends my family social media papers tv music i had nothing left but her to count on. Just before xmas i got told she wanted a baby and that she wanted me to give up work have a new baby and be a stay at home dad. When i questioned how i could then afford to see the two girls i have she said i didn’t need to as i would have a new family to concentrate on. The second i said NO this is never going to happen i got told to make a choice because now the two girls i have 11,13 were no longer welcome at the house she resented them and didn’t want to be around and they were not welcome for xmas despite it being planned from last year because their mum had them. I tried everything to get her to change her mind but i could see something different in her and the look of anger and hate overtime she looked at me so on december the 2nd i packed a bag drove 400 miles to my girls home town leased an apartment and had them for 6 wonderful amazing weeks. I came back to work in afghanistan and she got hold of me on my work phone and within minutes i was on my knees begging forgiveness only to be told she has moved on got a new guy and to f off and die. Well that surely broke me on valentines night i took an overdose and for some reason not having eaten in 38 days my stomach rejected the pills and i spent 2 days on my own in a dirty clinic in Kabul crying and way fast forward 2 weeks i am still having very bad times and wondering how can she move on so bloody quickly and not even attempt to contact me i know i left but it wasn’t because i didn’t care its because i could never let my girls down i tried to make it better she’s not interested in the slightest today is day 25 NC and i still feel sad and heart broken does it get better please some one tell me
Kay
February 6, 2015 at 3:17 pmThis really resonates with me today. My N is very subtly hoovering me and it got me thinking about him and considering breaking nc. Thankfully this article snapped me back to reality. Even though he never said the words “I can take you or leave you”, I know in my heart that it perfectly sums up how he feels about me. Jumping back on that crazy train would be a huge mistake. Thank you so much for your amazingly insightful articles!
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2015 at 7:28 amHi Kay,
Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. Yes, my narc may have been the only one to come and out and say it but you can be sure that they all think it! I’m starting to think that every time he said that, he was probably really marveling at the fact that – wow – he really COULD take me or leave me! Imagine that! Bastards…all of them! LOL
Stay strong, sister!!
Zari xo