Be (Narcissist) Free from Unhealthy Relationships

unhealthyBreaking free from a narcissist is exceedingly difficult – more so than breaking away from any other type of toxic relationship. I can give you tips all day on how to do it but sometimes it takes an objective source to hit the nail on the head. Below is a copy of an article that came in my email today from a website called Daily OM. I love this website because it’s filled with powerful messages that always hit home. The timing of this one in particular was perfect since it now follows my newest article about a little mental game – called Postpone & Pretend – I created to help us move on.

Now, to be clear, while the article below is intended for those who feel desperation in a relationship, it doesn’t specify that one partner is a narcissist. However, you and I know that a narcissist’s strategy is to compel us to act desperate and that it’s very difficult to pull away from those behaviors. Making us feel crazy is all part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic – a tactic intended to keep us in the queue. So, for this reason, you will recognize the behaviors (a.k.a. desperation rituals) described in the article and I felt it was worthy of sharing. When someone either is not capable of loving us (a narcissist) or simply doesn’t love us like we love them, we do begin to cling because we don’t understand the rejection. Rejection always hurts. However, it does us no good to continue pursuing this person, narcissist or not, because in doing this we only set ourselves up for more pain. It’s simply not worth it.

breaking-up-with-narcissist
Click Here to Order from Amazon

In the article, Rhonda Findling discusses unhealthy relationships and shares some tips on how to keep us from breaking no contact. She also mentions a word that I use often – detachment. We all know how important it is to detach not only physically but mentally as well when trying to go No Contact. As victims of narcissistic partners, it’s just one of a plethora of strategies that we can follow to stop the nonsense. Both this article and my newest one on Postpone & Pretend should give you a wonderful head start. Enjoy!

Be Free from Unhealthy Relationships
by Rhonda Findling

If you are reading this then you are very likely someone who is trying to not call, text, e-mail or even Facebook a person that you:

• have broken up with or has broken up with you
• have determined is abusive
• are highly attracted to but they are not returning your level of interest (for whatever reason)
• have an unhealthy connection or relationship with
• is presently in your life but you’re trying to not act needy with

Through this work deep feelings might emerge or get triggered while you work on detaching from the person you are having an unhealthy relationship with. You will be learning new behaviors, ideas, and concepts to use as tools to help support you in your process.

I suggest having a journal where you can jot down your thoughts, emotions, and ideas to help in your transformational journey. A journal will also be useful for the writing exercise at the end of the lesson.

The whole point of resisting the urge to call, text or email is to:

  • Avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated
  • Give them a chance to feel the loss of you
  • Not put yourself in a position of pursuing someone who doesn’t return your level of interest
  • Detach from someone you’ve broken up with or has broken up with you
  • Detach from someone you’ve determined is not good for you
  • Detach from someone who is abusive
  • Detach from someone who is emotionally unavailable
  • Not act too overly needy with someone who is currently in your life

When you contact someone you’re not hearing from or trying to let go of there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline from the anticipation of seeing them, hearing their voice or reading their message. But this rush is just a temporary fix, which you may have to pay a tremendous price for.

Even if the person does respond positively when you contact them, it may be momentarily thrilling or electrifying, but soon the anguish will return, because the problem is still there. Nothing has really changed. You’re still not a couple or the person remains emotionally unavailable. You’ll just have to start detaching all over again, doubling your efforts If you’ve ended the relationship because someone was doing something that you experienced as hurtful or refused to tolerate any longer, contacting them would take away your credibility for the boundary you set. By initiating a contact you would also be colluding with the behavior that you already told them was unacceptable.

Impulsivity

Click on Image to Order from Amazon
Click on Image to Order from Amazon

When you contact someone you’re trying not to act needy with, it’s often impulsive. Acting on impulse can make life exciting and dramatic but it can also put you at risk because you are not reflecting on whether it’s a productive behavior. You’re not thinking of the future and consequences. You’re just acting in the moment.

So if you’re thinking of making a contact, take time to reflect. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety. Don’t just do something because you feel like it. There could be disastrous effects if you do.

Call people in your support system to discuss any impulsive urges that come over you- whether to see, e-mail, call, or text them. Discuss and process your feelings with safe reliable people. Remember that feelings do pass. Feelings are only temporary, which is why it’s important to hang in there even when the urge to contact them feels unbearable.

You have to do whatever it takes to endure urges to make a contact and move past them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining emotional strength.

Clinging

Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on, not letting go. This can be exemplified by activities ranging from a compulsive phone call, text, or e-mail when they haven’t responded to any of your previous contacts. Contacting someone who is not reciprocating your interest, or has rejected you is a form of clinging. The urge to cling can be irresistible. You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn’t appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can’t control. You may experience actual discomfort when you don’t carry out the compulsive act.

Why clinging is not productive

There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a relationship. These people are married to their pathology. Your chasing them will not break through their defenses, resistances and impairment. Sometimes their lack of response or reciprocating is not even about you. It’s truly about them. It doesn’t make a difference because no matter who it’s about; they just can’t do it. They can’t be there for you. You must face the truth of their unavailability so you can let them go and move on. Bottom line, you can’t force another person’s feelings, motivation for relationship, or emotional health no matter how many rules and programs you follow or implement.

Action steps: What you can do when you want to cling

  • Distract yourself – do whatever it takes to not think about your ex or a person you’re trying to let go of even if it feels counter-intuitive.
  • Call someone in your support system.

Writing exercises

-Think of a time you were clinging to someone you were in love with. What were you feeling? What was behind the clinging? Was there another action you could have taken to not cling?

-What does it feel like to show someone that you have been clinging to that you are now independent? Does it feel empowering?

Action step/ Writing Exercise:

  • The next time you feel insecure or lonely, try not to reach out to the emotionally unavailable person you are currently attached to. Instead, see how you get through it on your own. Write about your feelings that come up in your journal.
  • Try to imagine life without the stress of an emotionally unavailable person’s confusing behavior. Get to know how it feels to have emotional space free of them. Write about your feelings in your journal.
  • Visualize yourself in a relationship with someone who’s sure of their love for you – someone who makes you feel secure…someone who has never disappointed or betrayed you.
  • Describe your relationship in your journal? What is that person like? How do you feel with them?

Spiritual Tip #5: Surrendering To What Is

If you’re trying to hold onto someone even though you know it’s a hopeless situation then you are resisting the inevitable. When it’s time for someone to go you can’t fight it. The relationship time with them has passed, even if it hurts. Surrender to what is.

(Visited 15,127 times, 11 visits today)

36 Comments

  • fran

    August 29, 2016 at 7:51 am Reply

    tackle your own codependency issues. you sound like the adult child of an addict or narcissist. i suggest you check out john bradshaw’s Healing the Shame That Binds You. You sound like you suffered as a child from toxic parenting.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 30, 2016 at 1:01 am Reply

      Hi Fran,

      I actually had an awesome childhood…almost idyllic. Raised by great parents in a beautiful neighborhood by the ocean. I don’t have a single complaint about it. I didn’t suffer at all then and I sure don’t suffer now. You, however, sound kinda angry and you must have found your way to my site for a reason. Come on…fess up, girl. We’re all family here!

      Zari:)

  • Jessica C

    April 24, 2016 at 12:30 pm Reply

    I am 2 weeks post breakup (he dumped me) with a nacissist who was first a valued friend of mine for 6 years. I had always thought so very highly of him.
    Currently I have never felt this awful in all of my life, and I have lost a parent to cancer. I became involved with him while he was still married, which I obviously ultimately regret. At the time I felt like he had no other way out of his awful marriage and that I was saving him. We talked of being together for a long time and even looked at houses together. Once his wife found out and left him, he dragged me through hell for 5 months before asking me to officially be his girlfriend. During that time I found out that I was not the only other woman, but I believed him that the other was a mistake. I love this guy so fully and completely and something told me for so long to hold on and that it would be worth it. He asked me to move in, told me he made enough money that I wouldn’t have to work, asked me to move with him if he had to relocate for work and said he’d put me onto his medical coverage. I was close with his parents but he kept me from the friends he had shared with his wife. We spent most of our available time together. Luckily I had not moved in or left my job. Regardless of all of the promises, a few weeks ago I noticed a change. He was hiding his phone and going to visit friends without inviting me when there was no obvious reason I couldn’t join him. One evening I caught him in a lie and called him out. He had been speaking to another woman whom a friend (that didn’t know about me) had set him up with and had met her for coffee that very afternoon. He shared with me her name and I told him I was going to contact her to tell her he had a girlfriend. I did so and he sat with me as I did. Later that day he confessed his undying love to me while crying heavily and told me he couldn’t be without me he had never been this upset. Wanted me to go to counseling with him and help him figure out why he has hurt me and been so selfish and careless. I agreed. I love him so very much. We spent the weekend together and he went away to work for the week as he always does. That week he was distant and I gave him the space he seemed to need. I have never been anything but accommodating and understanding with him. Upon his return home, he broke up with me. His reasoning was that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he needed to figure out how to not be so selfish with others feelings. I let him go. I started no contact as it seemed to be the best solution. A week later, the woman read my message. They had been seeing each other since before he let me go. We shared stories and were both shocked at the differences. He had portrayed me as a hopeless pathetic woman. Nothing but lies and betrayal. I shared enough of my experience with her that she thanked me so much for my time and letting her know his true colors. I assume she then contacted him but I didn’t ask either of them the outcome. Even in speaking with her, I did not want to hurt him. He contacted me later that day to apologize for how he had treated me. He also threw in a jab of telling me he should have told me his feelings were not as strong as mine. I am destroyed and I do not believe that he didn’t love me as he was at one time so enamored with me. Back to no contact and feeling utterly worthless and not good enough. Yesterday he walks into my work and right up to me, all smiles and kindness. He made small talk and asked me if I’m going to text him sometime and that he was going to text me the night before but wasn’t sure. Still with the head games. I am at a complete loss. I do not plan to contact him but now I am hoping to see his name pop up. This consumes my every minute at this point. I don’t know if he still cares for me or if he will pursue me again in the future. Any insight is greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening!

  • Sandy

    February 4, 2016 at 4:09 pm Reply

    Why is it that narcs always send an email or ask you ” are you still mad”. Or ” don’t be mad” or any of this other crap? They totally break you down and discard but don’t want you to ” be mad”. …. What are you supposed to say …” Oh no.. ! I want to thank you for crushing me and breaking my heart… Thank you!!!” Why would they even care what you think…? Oh… That’s right….. They don’t and never did…. What jerks…

  • Christine

    September 9, 2015 at 4:09 pm Reply

    Now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I shake my head at the unhealthy one I endured with the narcissist! I love this part: “Visualize yourself in a relationship with someone who’s sure of their love for you – someone who makes you feel secure…someone who has never disappointed or betrayed you”. Here’s what that feels like with my boyfriend now. He definitely makes me feel safe and secure. I have no doubt he really loves me and wants nothing more than to make me happy. I feel like he treasures me, and truly respects me. I trust him wholeheartedly without reservation, which I certainly couldn’t say about the narcissist. For instance, I never worry what he’s doing when I’m not around him. I know that it’s running errands, visiting his family, going to a doctor’s appointment, or some legitimate thing–not to possibly cheat. This will sound like a little thing, but I really loved seeing my boyfriend’s disgust at a cheating husband on a TV show we were watching. They weren’t even showing sex, but my boyfriend was still disgusted at the husband for making all these sweeping declarations of love to another woman. He said, c’mon, that’s something he should be saying to his wife! I loved him even more right then and there.

    Another important distinguishing feature is empathy (or lack thereof in the narcissist’s case). I feel like my boyfriend really would prioritize my needs no matter what. In fact, he sometimes has–even when it’s not so convenient for him. One time, when I was stressed out about something, he immediately got dressed and came over to comfort me (even though it was late at night and it would have been more comfortable for him to stay put at his place, then turn in for the night). He did that just so he could personally give me a hug. I somehow can’t imagine a narcissist doing that.

    So to everyone here, please get (and stay!) narcissist free, to open yourself up to the far better relationships that are available out there. Let’s not waste even one more minute giving love to these cretins who neither appreciate nor deserve it.

  • SarahK

    July 31, 2015 at 1:21 pm Reply

    Hello Zari,

    I found your web site as I searched for an answer to my ex N’s behavior of late.

    Back Story: Married 1st time for one year, blamed myself for the demise of the marriage; the ex and I never really stopped talking to each other, he would call and we would fight about issues in the marriage. This went on for 7 years. Yes, I know! He came back to town, contacted me, I told him I no longer wanted to fight, have a nice life, good bye.

    In seven months (the number seven seems to have particular significance for us but I do not know why). We married again and divorced after seven years.

    It has now been two years and I am now getting past the frozen state that has been my being since the fight to divorce this man. I am beginning to cry and that is a good thing. I realize now just how hard I tried, to no avail, to save a marriage that was not a marriage.

    I have been reading your site for the whole afternoon. When one is ready the teacher will come. I am sure you know that proverb. Your site has been a teaching experience at such a deep level. Yes, I understood about N and BPD, read all the books, went to therapy etc. but it was not until today that, with your site, I realize that I hold such anger! Still.

    And that I am becoming unfrozen.

    Please know that anger was the thing that finally catapulted me out of that hell realm. I know I have a temper, and I made a decision way long ago (I will be sixty in a month) to control it. He told me for the last time that “I didn’t do anything” after he was fired from 7 jobs in 7 years, porn chat rooms, porn books sitting in places where he knew I would find them, two affairs that I know of, and no sex for 5 years (well at least it wasn’t seven!).

    I was the manager of a very lucrative business, my ex is a doctor, and I invested 1/2 his income well. I also set aside a portion of funds, that I did not tell him about, with the idea that if the marriage was a success it would just be added to our retirement account. If not, it would help me get an attorney and be able to live while the divorce ground down.

    That extra padding saved me and I am not sorry one wit. You know, one can fuck with me, but never fuck with my money, as my mother would have said, but nicer.

    It has been very emotional to sit and read the stories here. I could intellectualize the ex’s behavior but I just was not ready to FEEL it. I am now beginning to feel just how fucked up our relationship was and what I gave up to hang on to it. I believe, at least so far, that that relationship was the most profound so far in my life. It changed me. Or, should I say, I changed me. Never, ever again. All the red flags were there, but all I saw were red flags made of hearts. What I just do not understand, and maybe never will, is what is the end to destroying those that deeply care. It seems so very ruthless with deep down hatred, and how do they learn these tricks? They have to make a decision to act this way. It is so calculated that they must practice to become a Master, so there is Intent involved. It is not just that they have a missing link or something.

    Obviously his personality did not work in the work place since he continued to be fired! But he still thinks it is them…not him.

    I know he is trying to hoover me back in because I saw from my bank statement that he just cashed a check from me dated almost a year ago. I have tried to discuss this with some friends and they think he just lost the check, found it, then cashed it. I know better. Once I finally saw through his game, that check is a Hoover move….I did not press the point with my friends…they just do not get it. Get it!!!

    Thank you,

    SarahK

  • GJ

    April 30, 2015 at 1:08 pm Reply

    My mothers a narcissist and evil is too good a word, shes manipulating and subtly brain washing my grown up daughters and again I find my self in a you win I loose situation where im scape goat and she is taking the glory for the good job I did bringing my up my children but points my faults out and projects her shit as though its me doing the abuse and gets a way with it! What can I do she buys them with money and if I say anything to them they think im jealous or cruel to their pure poor nan! Its making my second part of my life even worse than my horrific childhood…whats the answer

    • Zari Ballard

      May 10, 2015 at 7:10 pm Reply

      Hi GJ,

      I am so sorry that you continue to suffer at the hands of your narcissistic mother. Female narcissists are so unbelievably evil – they actually have their male counterparts beat hands down. Unfortunately, when the female narcissist is your mother and she sets her sights on the grand children, there’s no way to escape it. It doesn’t surprise me at all that she has done what she’s done. All it is is an extension of her unwarranted bad treatment of you throughout your childhood. Breaks my heart for you, it really does.

      Look, you and I both know that this woman will never change – that we know for sure. But we also know that a narcissist always shows her colors at some point in some way. You don’t say exactly how old your girls are but there is going to come a point when all the money in the world isn’t going to hide the fact that granny has a sinister agenda. It may take a very long time but the fact is that you can’t neither wait for it or move it along. You have to find a peace within yourself and move forward. DETACHMENT & INDIFFERENCE will save you and probably more from yourself than from your mom or daughters. Sometimes when we step back from a situation that makes us feel desperate, (in this case you feeling rejected by the girls while knowing the truth of grandma’s intentions), things have a way of working themselves out. Your mom wants you to feel jealous and left out and inferior. Don’t give her what she wants anymore. Go about your life one day at a time allowing none of them (the girls or your mom) to rile you up. Detach from it and show indifference. Let them be. If grandma didn’t have money, she’d have nothing. Let her talk her shit all she wants. If you concentrate on saying nothing, you have nothing for her to talk shit about. Eventually, the tables shift and it will appear that she is simply talking trash about nothing. Only when you step back and detach, not allowing any of them to rile you up, will your mothers true colors start to come through. She knows how to work the family system and you need to turn it around by basically doing nothing. One day, GJ, she will be gone anyway – hopefully more sooner than later – and the smoke will have to clear then. If I were you, I would focus on stepping completely away from the situation, keeping any interaction with her to a complete minimum, avoiding any conversation about her when you speak with your daughters except the bare minimum….you know what I mean. When you suffer, she wins….so make it appear that you’ve stopped suffering. Don’t say “You’ll see what I mean someday…how evil she is”…say nothing. You owe them no explanation for your detachment.

      I know it won’t be easy to hide the hurt at first but the more you practice watching the whole ugly scene as if it’s happening to someone else…detaching…the freer you will feel. It’s not going to happen overnight but you have to do it…it is up to you to save the second half of her life…to NOT allow her to ruin those years for you as she desires to do. Take the power back all by yourself. I wish you nothing but the best and please do let me know how you are doing, sister.

      Zari xo

  • Joey

    March 30, 2015 at 1:32 pm Reply

    Hi Zari!

    Thank you for your support, guidance, insight and strength! I’ve read all four of your books – including the latest one–When Evil is a Pretty Face.

    Oh yeah, my ex was Evil with a pretty face. A slightly different twist to the the story is that I am a gay woman in my mid 50’s, and she was a divorced woman in her 50’s as well.

    We met online, and she epitomized everything I thought I had finally been looking for. Someone who was secure in their own skin, had a good career, was feminine, had older kids, liked to do the same activities that I did, etc. , great sex….It seemed like a perfect match – and it was easy, simple and good. At first. We dreamed of a great future together, marriage, merging our lives. It was fun. Our theme song was “Happy”. I fell for it!!!!!!

    Then came the first devalue and discard after about two months in. She dumped me for a woman (ex 2) that she had cheated on with her previous ex (ex 1) (back story, when my ex was with ex1, they broke up because of her fling with ex2, ex 1 then had an affair with ex 2 before she got back with my ex…follow that crazy shit, right?).

    Then she came back, I gave her a pass–and then we went through the whole thing again with her ex (ex1). OMG, I never even heard the words narcissist or triangulation before this relationship. But I was triangulated to the max (Her: oh dear, ex1 is still telling me I am her eternal love, I’m her moonlight still, she’s still writing me letters, but I don’t want to hurt her by telling her to stop even though she knows I am happy with you…)

    After she promised that she would cut contact with ex1 for everyone’s good so that we could really move forward with our relationship- I felt her emotionally unpIug from me and would not talk about it, my detective work uncovered her contact with ex1—and after asking her if she was in contact with ex 1, she said yes but, “she broke a promise that she never should have made” about not contacting ex 1. I took my house key and said enough was enough and left her at the restaurant—and she showed up at my house – for what I thought was a heartfelt apology…BUT NO—it was for her curling iron!!!!!! I should have really realized then that her mask was literally her make-up!!! hahaha!!!

    I stuck with her because she had so many big things on her plate – her dad in a nursing home, house drama, kid crap, car stuff, money issues ( I lent her money but I did get it back–phew!), alcohol issues…….in fact, right before her dad passed away, he told her to take good care of me because I was her guardian angel.

    HAH!

    Anyway, I slowly figured out that she did not have that empathy button (why did I have to explain how I felt, and what it was like to be in my shoes after she lied and deceived me again and again? Why did I have to care about the ex’s cat dying? ex is hurting terribly about our breakup and I must help her through it by staying in touch with her), and the continual lying right to my face (Oh yeah, I became a master detective…..)….oh and she was a master blame shifter…..(“you need to take responsibility for getting involved with someone who had just gotten out of a relationship”)……oh—-and the best one—-the ex (who lived 400 miles away) needs to have a face to face with me so that she can move on, so I am going to spend 4 days and 3 nights there to help her through this and we are JUST friends–because that is the cheapest airfare I can get, but I am madly in love with you and there will be no contact with her after I return—NO EXCEPTION (hahahahah) two months later she was FB messaging her and……….

    the final devalue—-“You are visually unstimulating to me because you wear sweatpants all the time”…hell, it is winter in new england, and my house is cold and I work from home. After that final devalue, I told her to get the F out of my house and F out of my life. I felt awful (but not regretful) for saying that to her and apologized because she made it clear that that is how her mother used to talk to her. She did not accept my apology. Because of course, she was back with the ex.

    I’m two weeks into NC (Her: “I don’t dispose of my friends like you and I am always here for you. Call anytime if you need something”. HAHAHAHAHAHA no f’ing way! I will not be triangulated EVER again)

    So, here are a few things I’ve learned, and albeit I am still a little shaky and at times lonely (we practically lived together for a year). I am trying to find a peace within myself, and forgive myself for not trusting my gut.

    I met a great therapist who confirmed my suspicions of her narcissism (she was a dependent narcissist) and BPD, and talked to me about examining why I need to be needed….but she recommended going to Sound Healing to rid myself of this negative energy that I let invade me.

    If you find a sound healer/therapist near you try it! Energy healing with reiki and Tibetan Bowl sounds. Incredible positive energy.

    Also, I’ve been to a non-denominational church that does meditation prayers. Very peaceful!

    I go to spin class. And have a personal trainer. And I walk. And I’m trying just to take time to just be….

    So in the end, what I take from this is that I am glad I was there for her dad when he passed. And, I will be a stronger gal with much stronger boundaries from here on out.

    Again Zari, thanks for your books and I have been working on your workbooks. Very helpful!!!

    xoxoxo

    • SweetOne

      April 3, 2015 at 3:43 pm Reply

      ok…question. My ex kicked me out of the house a month ago but he still has some of my valuable items in the home that he will not release to me. One is a treadmill still in the box that is very heavy. His last text to me was to forget he exists, lose his number and stay out of his life. (He moved another girl in with him while my things were still at the house) What do I do? He has already taken so much from me I cant just let these items go. Plus he physical abuse me about a month ago in front of my 4 year old son. I have pics and am considering pressing charges. Does anyone know what type of retaliation that I might face with that??

      • Zari Ballard

        April 6, 2015 at 12:47 am Reply

        Hi SweetOne,

        Well, how bad do you want/need that treadmill? If it was me, I might be tempted to call the cops to go with me to get it or to at least go there and ask for him to return it to you somehow. The cops will do that if you make out a report. As for pressing charges, you have to be willing to take that all the way to court because he WILL fight it. Nothing is ever easy with a narcissist – even if you have cold hard evidence. HOWEVER, it’s possible that showing those photos to a cop would be a great excuse for why the cop should go with you to get that treadmill – even if you don’t press charges, know what I mean? You can say, “Look, this is what this guy did to me a month ago. I’ve got a brand new treadmill over there and I really want it back considering I’ve lost everything else. But I do NOT want to go alone and I’d prefer not to even go at all. Can you help?” That just may work. Let me know what happens.

        Zari xo

        • Amy

          April 9, 2015 at 6:25 pm Reply

          Having a tough week. but im still going along.
          i met a bunch of people on IG and have been spreading the word.
          the one is doing your wook book today, and may do a consultation.
          When you can, keep me posted to adding an IG>
          ugh.im ignoring him. but what a hard week. two new woman i found out about not looking even.. by going to a store and a going to a place to talk about having a benefit… all signs of my moving forward.. its like the karma is just helping me see but bringing them out. if that makes sense..
          staying strong. but you know he wants to marry me. and he loves me so much.
          have a good day.
          xoxox Amy

          • Zari Ballard

            April 15, 2015 at 11:06 pm

            Hi Miss Amy,

            Just checking in to see if you’re okay….The last time you wrote, you were telling me how much he loves you and wants to marry you but for some reason you didn’t believe him!!! HA-HA! And as for running into the details, that’s gonna happen and as long as you’re not looking, it’s all good. Like you said, there’s gotta be a reason for it so continue to see it as one big awful lesson to be learned. You’re doing so great, though, I have full faith in your ability to recover and carry on a wonderful life, sister:)

            Love,
            Zari xo

          • Amy

            April 16, 2015 at 8:08 am

            Hey Lady. 🙂 thanks for checking in.
            Im doing great. I got my own house, my own car.
            Still on IG and talking with others all the time, and sharing your info.
            i met a few on IG that i refered and now is getting your book and one is setting up a consult with you:)
            I told her to tell you hello.
            he is still at the hoovering. hes blocked. no contact. nothing.
            had a jiffy with him showing up at my work. but im free. its been months and im thinking more NORMAL if normal is anything. and im acutally HAPPY:)
            its amazing.
            im so thankful for you everyday and all the help you have helped me with.
            After seeing through the fog,, even with him saying hes sicl and he hasa a tumor, etc. I know that i deserve so much more in life then living what i was.

            thank you again.
            AND SERIOUSLY INSTAGRAM LADY:)
            xoxoxoxoxox.

            Amy

          • Zari Ballard

            May 2, 2015 at 5:44 pm

            Hi Amy!!

            Okay, I signed up at Instagram and trying to read up on it and how best to network through it. I will let you know soon….

            Zari xo

          • Amy

            April 16, 2015 at 9:10 am

            Zari, Honestly. thanks again for checking in on me:)
            yes some days can be tough but it really boils down to I WOULD NEVER GO BACK>
            People need to be more informed on these monsters and i never not speak the truth.
            I have no karma telling how someone is if its true.
            I think me not being silent causes his action more, and also helps me to continue on the path that i am .. UP AND FORWARD.. xoxoxoxoxoxo.

          • Amy

            April 17, 2015 at 5:22 am

            Good morning Zari.
            Happy Friday. I just wanted you to know that I came into work today to have several emails from an anonymous email, sneding me links to how i need to read and save myself because i am a narcisst. that i need to open up my eyes before its too late.
            How quite ironic, dont you think?
            I automatically blocked the address, and havenot think twice about it, however I had to send a message to you.
            I have been speaking the truth about him. not dwelling on the past but healing and moving on. quoting things etc.

            Thats my random notation of the day.
            These people never stop.
            Hope you are well

            xoxo Amy:)

          • LEBBY

            April 26, 2015 at 9:26 am

            Amy-Your ex-N must be pretty clever to send you those emails. I think it’s hilarious actually. Can’t see the forest for the trees!

            My ex-N (who I work with – which SUCKS) won’t talk to me at work, but I’m still getting random texts from time to time in which he tells me he doesn’t like me not talking to him and needs me in his life — even only as friends. He even went so far as to hand deliver an email pleading his case and apologizing. I guess he figured if he sent me the email, I would just delete it and not answer. I still didn’t answer his email and don’t plan to ever talk to him again. I haven’t talked to him in over a month but on Friday I had to install a program on his computer. I did it because it’s part of my job, but did not even say a word, just did what I needed to and left. That night he texted me a hazelnut emoji. WTF? A week before that he texted me the poop emoji, so I’m not sure if he thought he selected poop again (cause the nut looked like poop if you couldn’t see clearly) or he was actually calling me a nut! Which he had done MANY times during our relationship. At any rate, bottom line was he was either calling me a shit or a nut!! I just laugh and think..dude..WHEN are you going to just STOP???? Hoover is his middle name! Jeesh.

            Keep up the good work! 🙂

Share your thoughts & get advice! Only first post is moderated.

Get Zari's Book
Read more:
Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he's still an...

Close