As 2016 comes to a close, I thought it important to run a recap of the major points – the undeniable truths – that are key to our recovery from a narcissistic abuser. In my book When Love Is a Lie , I use the term “undeniable truth” to describe what I consider to be a “truth” that is inarguable. It is something we know – something concrete – about life with a narcissist that we simply can’t deny (even if the narcissist denies it all the time!) I feel that an undeniable truth is immune from even plausible deniability – THAT’S how true it is.
In each of my articles, I try to focus on at least one “truth” concept so that, at year’s end, we have an archive of information that we can draw from going forward. For this recap, I chose what I consider to be the the top five 2016 truths (or “isms”) from this blog….and I hope you enjoy. This isn’t a time to be sad, my friends. Tomorrow we all get a clean slate on which to begin again…and this time we can make it right:)
So, here we go….the top five truths from 2016.
Undeniable Truths (to Remember) from 2016
- Our Suffering Changes Nothing. Realizing this fact changed my life and set me on a path to mental freedom long before my relationship with the narcissist even ended. As we know, when we are involved with a narcissist, we suffer all the time whether he’s with us or not. We suffer during silent treatments, disappearances, during his/her denials of the truth, and even during good times when we feel the axe may fall at any moment. If we’re with the narcissist long enough, we even become attached to the suffering itself and begin to miss it when its gone. We become attached to the chaos…to the very drama that we claim to hate. Somewhere during the 100th silent treatment, I realized that my suffering did nothing to change anything. The narcissist was going to behave in the exact same way towards me whether I suffered or not. So I stopped suffering and started living and my mental state, during the end times of the relationship, made a 360 degree turn.
- We Must Be Confident In the Truth That We Know. The narcissist will never admit to anything and therefore creating plausible deniability is what forever keeps him – and us – in the game. To all of my admitted suspicions, my ex would smugly say “You can’t prove that” and most of the time, he was right. Wayne was a very good secret keeper and he knew it. However, over 13-years, I would every so often come across a piece of evidence that, in reality, was fucking undeniable but that didn’t stop him from denying it. Even knowing that proof is proof, the fact that he STILL denied it would compel me to search further, looking incessantly for that one ADDITIONAL and monolithic piece of evidence that he could not deny. This went on for 13 years! The truth is that, give or take some small dalliance that he knows you’ll get over, the narcissist will ALWAYS deny. This is how he keeps us in the game. Creating plausible deniability is a tactic, my friends. When we have the truth, we know it and at some point (better sooner than later), we have to be confident in the truth that we know! Whether the narcissist denies it or not should matter not a single bit.
- We Don’t Have to FORGIVE the Narcissist. No, we sure don’t and don’t let anyone tell you differently. There are really two all-important reasons why we don’t have to forgive this person: 1) He/she doesn’t deserve it, and 2) we don’t have the credentials to forgive at that level. At any time in our lives that we are considering forgiving someone, here’s a trick to determining whether they are forgiveness worthy. Envision yourself standing face to face with this person, announcing that you forgive them for whatever they’ve done. How would they react? If you imagine them hugging you, bursting into appreciative tears, or looking relieved, go ahead and do it – forgive them. If you imagine them smirking, mocking, bursting into laughter, getting furious, or simply giving you an uncaring blank stare, this person isn’t worth your time of day let alone your forgiveness. The narcissist, of course, will react this way because in his mind, it is he who should be forgiving us and how dare we think otherwise! The determination to forgive or not is a no-brainer.
- The Narcissist Will Never Change – Not for You or For Anybody Else. The narcissist does not leave us to go live happily ever after with anyone. Sure, via social media (which apparently was created for this sort of thing) it may appear that this is occurring but it definitely is not. I guarantee it. The narcissist is missing certain human qualities that not only can he never get back, he wouldn’t care to even if he could. Don’t forget that narcissists and sociopaths like themselves just the way that they are. He sees the “common folk”…the sexual targets…as simple fools that are fun to kick around so kick us around he does. The narcissist is NOT happy now and he never will be. This is a truth that you must understand.
- This is Not – Nor Has it Ever Been – Your Fault. Look, it’s not abnormal for us, as loving, compassionate human beings, to want to believe that the person that we have fallen in love with or feel a kindred friendship with is telling us the truth. This being true, how can we blame ourselves for falling for the Lie? Particularly for those (like myself) who had never experienced this type of relationship madness before or even truly understood the true meaning of “narcissism”, the mind-boggling behaviors of this person are beyond our comprehension. We feel compelled to forgive, to give the benefit of the doubt, or to look the other way (blaming ourselves for making much ado about nothing) and the narcissist continues on. Sure, we can blame ourselves for staying past the point of no return but this only proves that as people, we’re not quitters! Now, when we do have our “a-ha” moment, it blows our mind and this is totally normal. Sometimes we’re so shocked that we even stay to try to fix it (like I did)…we think maybe we can “love” them out of their bad behavior. But this is impossible and eventually – I promise – it WILL end. But in the meantime, don’t blame yourself anymore for anything…no matter what HE/SHE says. Take what you know and run with it. Save your life.
Write each undeniable truth (or Zari-ism!) down on a post-it note to stick on walls around the house. Follow the title links above to read and re-read the articles and repeat these truths over and over until you understand the message and how it can work for you. Create your own undeniable truths – your own “isms” and use them to bring yourself back to center. You CAN and WILL be a survivor!
Please know that I appreciate all of you so very much and I will always be here to support you. Thank you for being here throughout 2016 and an even better year is soon to come!
Happy New Year, Everyone:)