The Pathological Liar: Sifting Thru a Narcissist’s Word Garbage!

The Pathological Liar: Sifting Thru a Narcissist’s Word Garbage!

pathological-liar-narcissistA narcissist is a pathological liar who will lie about anything and everything for the sole purpose of gleefully watching you sift through the word garbage. He/she also lies even when the truth is a better story. This means that he’ll lie about which super market he shopped at, where he stopped for gas, the hours he worked and what days he has off. He’ll lie about his past, his future, his family, and his exes. He’ll lie about his intentions towards everything – big or small – and he’ll tell you he loves you when he loves nothing at all.

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The narcissist lies by making things up and also by leaving things out – and he/she does it all in amazing detail. Some believe the N lies because he actually believes the lie but I disagree. I think that a narcissist lies (all the time) because it’s an easy way to devastate the recipient and because lying allows the narcissist/sociopath to recreate himself at will (and on a whim), thus creating an environment where he can always be giving himself props for getting away with something. To a narcissist, lying – just like the faking of emotions – is means to an end. He’ll lie so much about so many things that your head will spin. You become so fucking tired from sifting through his word-garbage for a speck of truth that you opt for the lesser of two evils – believing the lie. Sure, it’s the easy way out and exactly what the narcissistic partner wants but the alternative is even worse.

Narcissists and sociopaths live and breathe by a pathological relationship agenda from which they will never waiver – even if it takes years. And don’t you forget it.

I was thinking about my ex today and about all of the incredible lies he told me. I remember how, as the years passed, I could see this particular talent of his blossoming right before my very eyes. For example, to practice the art of pathological lying (I assume), he would tell at least one lie every day while, at the same time, deliberately leaving evidence of the truth – such as a store receipt – in plain view where I could find it. How crazy is that? Whatever I would find would almost always contradict what he had told me. And, because I simply couldn’t help myself, I’d have to address it and the ensuing conversations would go something like this:

Me: Where did you say you bought that book?

W: What book?

Me: The book you bought yesterday…the one about making guitars.

W: I don’t know…why?

Me: I’m just asking a simple question, that’s all. I thought you said you bought it at Bookmans.

W: Then that’s where I bought I it. What are you getting at?

Me: The receipt says Barnes & Nobles.

W: So? What’s the big deal? What are you accusing me of now?

Me: Well, it isn’t a big deal and I’m not accusing you of anything.  I’m just curious why you made a point of saying Bookman’s when obviously you were at Barnes & Nobles.

W: Jesus Christ! What’s the fucking difference? Why does it matter?

Me: It doesn’t matter! I just don’t get why you would deliberately lie about something so stupid?

W: Oh please…I’m so sick of this…What are you doing? Snooping around my receipts now?

Me: I wasn’t snooping, Wayne, it was right here on the counter.

W: Then obviously I wasn’t trying to hide anything! Could we get past this please?

Word garbage! Sure, we’re talking little lies here but a narcissist’s little lies are many – and they’re all intentional. When we feed into this nonsense, what are we really hoping to find? The truth? We already know what the truth is yet we become hellbent on hearing it from him (as if, by some miracle, that would ever happen). If we really wanted the truth, we need not look any further than the lie itself and therein lies all the justification we need for walking away. No human being on the planet should have to deal with all the lies that we deal with in just this one relationship! Why the hell do we put up with that? Why the hell do you put up with that? And how the hell does he keep getting away with it?

Long ago, based on my own experiences, I determined that the act of pathologically lying is nothing short of a deliberate narcissistic/sociopathic strategy for getting away with all the crap that a narcissist needs to get away with day to day. It isn’t a symptom of his disorder – it’s downright intentional! To tell a white lie here and there and only when absolutely necessary would do a narcissist no good because he is always up to no good and, therefore, it’s necessary to lie all the time. In a narcissist’s mind, the decision to lie as much as possible – if not all the time – is a no-brainer because it eliminates the possibility of him having to think too hard about lying specifically. He must create plausible denial every day, all day, and by honing his skills as a pathological liar, all bases are clearly covered. And although he may be slightly concerned about getting caught, he’s only concerned about the inconvenience it may cause for those first five or ten minutes just prior to him having to initiate a silent treatment and disappear into thin air. The fact that his/her lies have the potential to – and often do – cause great pain and suffering for the people around him (and particularly, his partner) doesn’t even enter into the equation.

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So, the joke often told on narcissist recovery sites “How do you know a narcissist is lying? Because his mouth his open!” is about as true of a statement as anyone can make about a narcissistic partner. Everything he does, everything he says, all those ludicrous narcissistic behaviors that we ignore…all of that is based on the premise that he is, by choice, a pathological liar. Consequently, we can, if we so choose, spin ourselves silly trying to unscramble the narcissist’s mixed messages but it won’t give us anything better than what we’ve already got. In other words, it will never get better than the bad that we have already have!

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When our partner is a narcissist, we are constantly trying to figure out why and there’s no need. We know the answer. By being a narcissist’s enabler…by choosing to question his nonsense and then BELIEVE IT, we become a quasi-participant in the trauma bonding and fairly responsible for setting up the cognitive dissonance and uncertainty that will surely come later. We undermine our own intelligence! Just because we don’t like the truth doesn’t make it any less true! And that’s okay – we don’t have to like it. But, in order to be free, we do have to accept it as well as all the pain that comes with it. The good news is that, while the answer may be permanent, the pain that we feel is not. It will go away but not by avoiding it and only after we allow ourselves to feel it.

Be good to yourself, my friends, and don’t cut yourself short (God knows the narcissist does enough of that).  Acceptance will save you hours of suffering time and, believe me, letting go of the narcissist will add years to your life.  Stop sifting through the narcissist’s word garbage for specs of truth when his pathological lie is the only truth you need.

 

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63 Comments

  • Dee

    May 13, 2016 at 10:12 pm Reply

    It’s about 1:00 a.m. and as I am reading about the narcissist and comments from others my heart is racing. I felt so alone until now. I am living this life with a narcissist! It’s so hard to explain it to anyone! He knows how to “put on a show” when around other people! I am married nearly 25 years and he has gotten worse over time to the point that I can’t go on like this too much longer. I try to ignore it because of my two children (20 and 23) who live at home and are suffering emotionally because of his actions. He has never had a relationship with them and I am treated more like a servant than a partner. I hope I have the inner strength to someday move on and find happiness for my children and myself.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 14, 2016 at 2:02 am Reply

      Hi Dee,

      I remember sitting at night until the wee hours reading… just like you. It’s a shocker and, at the same time, it’s a relief to know that we’re not alone. I too hope that you find the strength to leave…God knows that you deserve it. 25 years is far too long to put up with the nightmare. Maybe you should take the girls and run….or kick him out. Get a strategy now because another year will go by in the blink of an eye…

      Be strong and keep reading and learning. I’m here to support you….recovery is a team effort:)

      Zari xo

  • rose

    March 21, 2016 at 12:12 am Reply

    awesome.great to find this.i want to find ppeople i can bond while dealing with the dilemma

  • Brenda

    February 24, 2016 at 6:49 am Reply

    Someone above asked who knows what’s going on in their minds. Well, my narc left his 4th step from being in AA 20 years ago. Jere gors: They only care about themselves and their feelings. What they can get from you. They do not care about your feelings. They do not know what love is. They are in love with love and feeling good. The rush ends and they need a fresh new supply. Usually more than one at a time. They like the drama. They like chaos. They project their stuff onto you calling you the drama, controlling, selfish, cheating, lying one when they are doing it. Honest and empathetic relations are impossible so they get their way through manipulation – if that doesn’t work then on comes the intimidation, bullying and threats…they cannot change. You are not the problem. Get out. Dump them. Show no emotion and move on. To reason with them is to open yourself up to crazy making that will make your head spin. Because that’s what they do – spin the truth. Yes, they like to leave clues for you to find. It’s all a game to them. And they are always right in their eyes. If you point out differently, you will pay. I read someone say – get to where you can laugh at their games. That is a good place to be.
    We must take their ‘power’ away. Don’t react. Don’t care. Pray to become indifferent to them and then you will be free.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 1, 2016 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Hi Brenda,

      That about says it all. You summed up my whole blog in that one paragraph! Well said…..

      Zari xo

    • Katie

      April 22, 2016 at 7:35 pm Reply

      Thank you for all the great insight! It teally helps me to make sense of it all and to stop trying to reason with my soon to be ex-husband. And I am the one being called unreasonable – Ha! Just need be strong, calm, confident and businesslike. I have a question. We have two teenage children. I am trying to shield them from our conflict and I vow not to talk negatively about their father. But how do I deal with him making promises to them and then not following through? I know I shouldn’t get in the middle of their relationship but I feel I need to explain him to them somehow.

      • Zari Ballard

        April 30, 2016 at 1:31 am Reply

        Hi Katie,

        Co-parenting with a narc is the worst. You are doing the right thing about staying silent about HIM to the kids no matter what HE is saying. They will remember that down the road, trust me. As for the broken promises, all you can do is have a back-up plan in your head for that day in case you have to soften the blow. The way I see it, you HAVE to get in the middle of that…when he blows them off…and the best way to do it is to say…”Nope, I guess it’s not working out with dad again today. You know how he is. How about we go to…..”. Kids should never have to sit around sad when they get blown off by the narc and you’re the only one who can fix that. It’s not fair, to be sure, but down the road, the memories that YOU make with the kids are going to be the only ones that they member growing up…so you have to make the best of it. I hate narcs…they can’t love their children anymore than they can love their partners.

        Best of luck, mom…..you rock!

        Zari xo

  • Enhle

    February 13, 2016 at 8:08 pm Reply

    My husband of 16 pathological liar and a drunk.He is always cheating on me and then lied about it if i have catched him. He is abusive too. I don’t know what to do with him.

  • Lady L

    December 11, 2015 at 11:13 pm Reply

    Zari, I forgot to mention to you something, it is funny. I had ordered your book “When Love Is A Lie”, kindle version, July 2014. This is around the time I started to figure out what was going on in our relationship, but this is the funny part, I read it, then ended up deleting it, because I was doubting my self and he was using the “honeymoon” faze on me reeling me back in. I just reorded it again last night and also ordered your workbook “Breath and Stop Spinning. Thank you for using the pain you experienced in life to help others, and help me.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 13, 2015 at 6:21 am Reply

      Hi Lady L,

      LOL…I’m so glad that you’ll get a chance to read it again! The more we know…the more we educate and share with each other, the better. Recovery is a team effort:)

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

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