The narcissist is a Master Puppeteer who has the amazing ability to turn unwitting humans into his own personal puppets. If you happen to be his partner (a.k.a. The Person Who Loves Him), the narcissist will basically create and shape your reality to suit his purpose and you’ll become a puppet before you even know it. You’ll become fanatical about performing the puppet dance for slivers of peace but you’ll never get any. It’s all about control and no one knows control better than the narcissist himself.
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Even during the initial love-bombing stage, the narcissist covertly trains the target. By behaving in certain ways, he will train you to do things his way and to feel the things he wants you to feel so that he can get away with whatever he wants. He will do this through the use of narcissistic tools such as silent treatments and other passive-aggressive punishments, great sex or the withholding of sex, chaos campaigns, and secrets, secrets, secrets. Puppet-making is a process that takes much expertise to end up with a worthy puppet. For the victim, insanity is all but ensured.
To create a puppet from an unsuspecting target or partner, a narcissist must successfully manage down the relationship expectations of this person so that, as time passes, the partner expects less and less and the N gets away with more. Now, the narcissist isn’t naive (or stupid) enough to think that there will never be repercussions from his puppet-in-training (PIT). Creating puppets – or just one very “special” puppet – tests the patience of even the staunchest, most polished narcissist because it’s often met with resistance by feisty targets (like ourselves). In as much as we eventually do became puppets, we DID buck the system when we felt controlled. When this happened, the N probably carefully chose a reaction that kept us on the trajectory while tricking us into thinking we’d “won”.
For instance, N’s have been known to intentionally behave so suspiciously about something that it causes a fight with his PIT. He’ll even do this to the point of getting kicked out or dumped even….and then he’ll wait. Soon, he might call or text in an “attempt” to make up, all the while knowing that the PIT, who is feeling empowered, won’t have any part of it. The narcissist smugly accepts his punishment and basically goes suddenly silent. This is on page sixty-two of the Puppet-In-Training Manual.
During the silence, the narcissist may do nothing more than hunker down with a stopwatch, counting the minutes, hours, and maybe days until you fall into step. (Is this possible, you ask? Actually no, not really). What he’ll likely do is take advantage of the free time to hook-up with the ex before you, the girl from high school on FB, or a couple from the swinger site he frequents. Fully aware that the rewards of his patience would be plenty, he will simply hang in there.
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For this particular point in the puppet making process, the narcissist will use passive-aggressive tactics that suit his purpose such as disappearing or giving the silent treatment and/or cold shoulder. As you’ll notice, all three of these punishments involve no accountability on his part because, for all intents and purposes, he simply stops speaking. The funny part is that while the PIT thinks she’s doing the punishing, it is actually her that is being punished! The intention, of course, is that you – the puppet – will feel crushed and rejected and finally see the error of your ways. Ultimately, he’ll never have to explain anything. You’ll become so anxious at his silence that you will forget all about the suspicious behavior that started it. YOU will say you’re sorry. This process will repeat until you are the perfect puppet. You see, the narcissist always follows a very pathological relationship agenda where your suffering is his reward for a job well done. And it works every time.
You see, when the Narcissist Puppeteer has graduated you from PIT to puppet, then the fun really begins. He then doesn’t have to fake a thing. With a trained puppet to “love”, he can break promises, cheat, lie, triangulate, and get away with murder and there will be no consequences. These are all characteristics of narcissism that can never be changed. The cycle of puppet training continues throughout the relationship and repeats effortlessly for the narcissist. As a victim of this type of manipulating abuse, we almost lose our minds.
Don’t be a puppet for a narcissistic lover. Don’t be a puppet for anybody. If you feel controlled or tricked or gaslighted over anything by anybody, recognize that you are viewing a big red flag. To win, always be aware and willing to back out of a bad deal. Puppets don’t win…they just stay puppets.
UPDATED POST FROM 06/16/2013
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Staci
June 5, 2017 at 7:28 amHi Zara,
Met in Narc Dec 2012 and ended it Feb 2013 due to his selfishness and maybe my stubbornness. Reconnected in Jun 2015 with the mindset to give it another try and see if the second time around would be better. Swept me off my feet with the appearance of a perfect gentleman that may have grown a bit. He paid for me to come and visit him since he was in the army in another state from where I resided. Needless to say, we had great times that continue to another visit a few months later. At that time, he was returning back to state in which I resided and we continued a so-called relationship until September 2016 where we always went to expensive dinners daily, we worked out daily, he brought me breakfast to my job, found my daughter a job, talked about having another baby while trying to get me pregnant, taking care of my house, went to meet his family members out of town, took trips out of town, spent Xmas and Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving with me and my family, going to breakfast with his kids, attending his kids birthday dinners/parties, attending special events with his friends and my friends, close connection with my friends and family, constant “I Love You emails/texts messages daily/nightly, etc. etc. September 2016, I was informed he was married and he finally admitted it (after repeated pressure) and stated that he was in the process of having the marriage annulled but going to file for a divorce. Claim he did not want me to focus on that and wanted us to focus on us. Then he writes me a seven page letter about God and Values and how he plans to do right by me because He has never loved a woman the way he loves me. Additionally, claims he wishes when we initially connected that he would have done right by me then we would have been possibly married (ooh wonderful Huh). Then claims he married her because his mom was dying and she is a poor example of a wife and it was a mistake he married her. He also presented me with the papers to have is wife served.
At this point, I did not believe a damn thing he was saying because it was just ALL lies. I reached out to the wife and informed her of all of his lies and provided her with the divorce papers. Additionally, I informed her of all the details listed above of our encounters with all of his promises to me. I stated to her that is was not my intent to hurt her and that I felt she needed to know what was going on outside of her household. She responds to me by thanking for the information and states that I am one of many women that has contacted her and knew his pattern shortly after they got married and said he needed help and told him to get help but he has not. The trip we took out of town, she said he told her that he was at drill when he has been discharged from the army in which she knew nothing about. She also disclosed that they have been going to counseling for the last 4 months (the time we have had a so-called relationship). She apologizes to me and then says, “I am sorry he hurt you like all the other women as your relationship mirrors all the others”. I am scratching my head like is this woman sick??? Yes he has lied to us but he took vows with you and he has not been lying to you????? SMDH….. I told her that I was having a panel of STD testing along with AIDS testing and I suggest she do the same. Thanks God they came back all Negative.
Additionally, she reaches out to me two months later to ask me if I am still seeing her husband or am I in communication with her husband???? Are you F*&^%* kidding me. I was at a loss for words and felt no harm in asking me. I told her I am surprise she is in contact with him and why is she asking me this? She tells me that I reached out to her and I continued a relationship with a married man and she uplifts men like her husband and as f*&^%$ up as her marriage is he is still her husband. Then she tells me I must be armed (dummy means alarmed) that he is not divorcing her. I explained to her that I am not in communication with her husband and what is a Husband and a Ring with No Respect!!! She finally left me alone in Dec 2016. He contacts me in Mar 2017 saying he misses me and send me daily pictures of myself and ask if we can meet for a late night dinner with wine or go to some of our dinner places from the past. I ignore him. Then I get a bill in which he was supposed to pay for. I send him the bill to pay and he only pays $150 of the $850. If he can’t get the communication from me then he won’t pay the rest. I take a loss and pay for it myself. He still is trying to contact me and reaches out via pokes or likes on social media but I give no respond. I am NC and when I see him out I ignore him with no facial contact but he seems to end up in the same places I am (is he stalking me). I can’t wrap my head around why this woman chooses to stay with this creature in which she has no kids with and he has disrespected her on numerous occasions including having a baby on her and with the divorce papers he plotted to provide me that I showed her and she states “Oh those were fake”??? She is missing the point that he had them drawn up…. What is with this situation????? How does someone torture themselves in which he was with her since 2004 and did not marry her until 2014. He has a 6 years old daughter which he had during their relationship. Someone please explain.
Zari Ballard
June 21, 2017 at 1:24 amHi Staci,
Why are you so concerned about what she is feeling and doing? Her pain is horrific and, yup, she is married to him and maybe financially dependent on him. I was a military wife years and years ago and most of the women on that base were completely dependent…it was pretty sad but not for me to judge. I’m sure that he gives her quite a story and is quite believable. You should know this since he had you fooled for awhile as well so you know how it goes. I stayed in my relationship for 13-years trying to figure it out and then finally, thank God it was over.
You say that you called her to let her know what was going on and then say…She apologizes to me and then says, “I am sorry he hurt you like all the other women as your relationship mirrors all the others”. I am scratching my head like is this woman sick??? Yes he has lied to us but he took vows with you and he has not been lying to you????? Why would you berate an apology? What did you expect her to say to you right then in the middle of the confrontation by yet another woman in his life? I suspect she was embarrassed. Moreover, when she called you later to ask if you were in contact with him, why have an attitude about the question? You obviously felt that it was okay to call her and tell her about the affair, why was it not okay for her to call you later to ask if you were still in contact. All you had to say was “No”.
Clearly, he disrespected her but how she deals with it is completely her business and is not for anyone to judge let alone one of his mistresses. You don’t REALLY know the scope of the relationship at all…I’m sure there is much involved as there usually is with a ten year relationship on and off as it likely was. In fact, I’m sure the marriage occurred when he came begging back after an affair and figured proposing to her would be the only way to keep her around. Of course, she probably saw that as him finally changing and maybe finally wanting to settle down. How embarrassing for her now but she was willing to give it a shot then. Whatever she is going through and whatever decisions she has to make, I’m sure it’s not easy and maybe she is still trying to wrap her head around the scope of it. He sounds like quite a charmer and he certainly seems to be able to make his worlds not collide at all…the creepy bastard that he is. How did you discover he was married? All the family and friends of his that you met…and the children…no one said a word? He introduced you as his girlfriend to his family? So, I take it that it was his wife who was the secret? That part is a little confusing but, well, this is how good they are at playing the role.
I wouldn’t try to wrap your head around what she’s going through or why she’s still there because its different for everyone and it doesn’t affect you. She’ll get out as we all do at some point…hopefully sooner than later. I take it that you have him blocked on all social media, right, so that he can’t try to contact you even if he wanted to? This would be the right thing to do to send a message. He obviously thinks you are still in the queue as they all do and blocking is the only way to end that without having to contact.
Zari:)
susanosite
July 6, 2017 at 9:35 amZari,
Thanks for setting her straight. I liker the way you think…
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2017 at 1:41 amxo
Paul In-Ca
May 28, 2017 at 12:33 amI exposed her in exchange for a 5 day silent treatment, and I wouldn’t have, but she had told me 6 days earlier she was calling the next evening, and I got nothing until after I outed her to the pastor of her church, as the sexually deviant masochistic whore she truly is, and how she liked to play the sycophantic sex slave, that is of course when she’s not doing something churchy or with church folk, putting on a whole other mask, of a demure, chaste picture of perfect piety. Simply a horrifically blasphemous, and heretical whore. I said then; had she texted me something as simple as “change of plans” and I’d have no reason for complaint. She had the narc audacity to also say she was thinking on taking an electronics fast for 7 days, yet there was plenty of online activity for those 5 days. She just wanted to fuck someone(s) new, and wanted to hurt me at least one more time. Looking back, never in my life have I treated anyone with such deference and obsequious acquiescence, so I know abjectly nothing could even be construed as warranting the horrendous treatment I got from her for my self imposed 22 month sentence. I treated her so good in fact, that I’ve made up my mind to end her semblance of sanity, under the guise of altruistic magnanimity, when in truth she is a sadistic, predacious, covert, religious (feigning) narcissistic sociopathic whore, who’s favorite form of supply is to be debased, and humiliated, by once Christian men of God, as she portrays a submissive slut, only to “top from the bottom” as it strokes her ego to deceive, and makes her wet to know she’s deceived church folk into buying her into her dramatic role of victim, and she plays it better than all of her victims combined, with 9 of 9 and 8 of 10 hallmark, and cardinal traits. she made me physically ill with her mind games, along with CPTSD, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and even some dissociation, so I am going to dispatch the demon in human skin, or she’ll yield, going against her pathology, doing the right thing, which now I’m certain, she wouldn’t if she could, and though it sickens me to say it, as I invested my all, poured into her constantly & with an understanding she was incapable of reciprocity, but thinking I could love her well enough to heal her sickness… What a foolish ideal I’ve lived under, so she’s invited the dark side of empathy, and it’s coming little liar, it’s coming soon.
Zari Ballard
June 4, 2017 at 9:40 pmHi Paul,
Good God…I’m not even your girlfriend and I’m scared shitless. LOL I’m hoping that your obvious literary genius makes you only appear far scarier than you really are, brother, because revenge at that level will never work in your favor. Better to back off and go no contact to send your message. You are not a fool…just someone who fell in love with the wrong person and there’s no crime in that.
Paul In-Ca
July 2, 2017 at 9:04 amHi, thanks for stopping by my blog, and “wow!” @ “your obvious literary genius”, what amazingly kind words! So thoughtful, thank you, that means more than you can possibly imagine. Would you please tell me how you came across my blog on WordPress please? Thanks in advance… Paul
Zari Ballard
July 2, 2017 at 3:52 pmHi Paul,
I do remember leaving you that comment but it was either in response to your Amazon review of my book When Love Is a Lie or you had commented on MY blog here, I can’t remember for sure. I was amazed at how you expressed yourself and also how you described the content of either my book or the article you commented under. It was much appreciated. I haven’t been to your blog but I will be sure to do so.
Zari:)
Paul In-Ca
July 5, 2017 at 3:04 pmI’m actually only 9 days shy of a year NO CONTACT, and I’m a huge advocate of it. The writing I do is first cathartic, and therapeutic, as it allows me to not “hold” onto the yuck, as I’ve never been one to hold grudges, or even hate for that matter, in fact when I traced back my ill will, it was found in the fact she introduced me to hate, and I hated her for it, but more than anything I pity her, more than that, I pity her children.
Frank
September 1, 2016 at 11:41 pmThis is very accurate fo my experience. She was a colleague of mine and very flirty I knew she had a boyfriend so i was cautious even though she started it all, but i thought a fourty year old woman should be mature enough to handle her private business.
In the long run she became more and more nice towards me as she became more confident. However she was extremely paranoid if i did´nt greet her the right way when i met her, she would give me the silent treatment for a week. It happened several times because i wqas talking to someone else or simply because she gave me the creeps plus I did not want to run after a woman with a boyfriend.
I felt like i was on Cesar Milans show: The Dog Whisperer and i was learning to become “calm and submissive”. The harder I tried, it actually worked but at what expense?
Till this day I have no idea if she wanted me to be her new boyfriend or i was just a little snack. I have heard there should be an idealization phase with pornosex but I haven´t seen any of that.
She would not even walk over to me and talk to me. I always had to do that which i found extremely humiliating.
It all ended when I got fired from the job when I had not seen her in two weeks the fog cleared. The last time i saw her was at the christmas party. she stared at me like a little sad puppy, I sent her an angry face back, then she went over to another colleague and gave her a lecture about how sad and pathetic i was for coming onto a woman with a boyfriend, even though she was the one that started everything.
I have not really missed her even though it is eight months since I have seen her for the last time but I fear that if i met her she would still hold power over me. I can easily recognize 8 out of 9 points from the DSM IV about NPD personality disorder and i can´t really say anything positive about her except she´s pretty to look at, but I still think about her, way to much for my own opinion even when i have to go through her hometown i get the creeps, it´s a bit like having a stone in your shoe that won´t come out.
Zari Ballard
September 25, 2016 at 4:43 pmFrank wrote…I felt like i was on Cesar Milans show: The Dog Whisperer…Till this day I have no idea if she wanted me to be her new boyfriend or i was just a little snack This made me laugh right out loud! You are not alone in feeling this way:)
Hi Frank,
You sound as if you have a handle on it and the best thing to do is just keep her out of your sight. Duck around buildings if you have to in her hometown but the longer you can keep this from happening (running into her) the less chance you have of falling back under the evil spell. We all think about these jerks way too much but in the end I believe that our picture of the monster is much clearer because of it.
All you need to know is that this woman was nothing nice and keep moving forward. You deserve to be happy and there’s no time to waste!
Zari:)
Frank
October 10, 2016 at 7:29 pmThanks for your comments.
I am still split about her, a part of me wants her and another part says LEAVE it, but i have long since realized that nothing good will ever come out of her.
It is a bit like a drug habbit. You want the drug, but you know it is not good for you and eventually it will destroy you.
I can only imagine a life being calm and submissive waiting for the final discard must be worse than death.
Somehow i would like to see what life together with her could have been like This was bad enough but i would like to see what i have missed, at least so my doubt could be gone.
Stronger
August 2, 2016 at 2:20 amHi Zari
I’m 2 months NC and still constantly having those WTF moments when it dawns on me how much I was manipulated.. I discovered some really disturbing and upsetting things about the N at the end of our relationship but sometimes like today it’s a small lie that really takes my breath away.
Before we were in a relationship and he was my boss, I was going through a rough patch and he handed me an envelope with a poem he had written about his daughter when his marriage broke up. I’d kept it and remembered about it when the CD was really bad. It wasn’t a brilliantly written poem, but it was full of emotion and really touched me. Surely a N couldn’t have written it?
So I went looking for it and put a couple of lines into Google, all the while thinking it must be his poem, only to find it on several sites attributed to an American lady. He’d just taken out the americanisms!
Strangely, this hurt me as much as finding out about the awful things he’d got up to. I was being manipulated long, long before I realised and he wasn’t capable of the feelings I’d always assumed he had. So I’ve written my own poem in response to express the excruciating pain of the CD. I’ll never send it to him, so I’ll post it here if I may.
I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why did I let you push my boundaries
To the limit?
I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why, even though I know your mind game,
You still win it?
I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why won’t you leave my head alone
For just one minute?
I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
smiler
May 23, 2016 at 10:01 amThanks Zara. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I met him. My knight in shining armour (felt so right, realised this was due to childhood wounds I never even knew I had although I always knew something was missing in my life). My questions finally answered: So a few times I ended it but on the final one I was not so sure if this was him in control of a game as I was broken.So it was the puppeteer after all. He raped me, he had control of me, he made me ill. He made me do things I would never do by manipulation and emotional control. This narc made out he was single until: I found out he had a partner and a 3 month old baby, he told me that she did not want their child on fb so she came off it (as he said she did not want the baby on it) but he then said shortly later that they had both decided (take it he decided) to do it, he was trying it on with someone when his wife pregnant, he was joining groups and trying it on verbally and through social media with girls, it makes me laugh now as I said was he thrown out of his other group for chasing women and he said no they were chasing him and he could take no more yeah yeah!! Intuition is great. I should have listened. He knows he is a narc as he had him dressed as dracula on his fb account with blood out his mouth (vampire) no sign of girlfriend or baby. Also he has a shark tattoo on his left upper arm. He (44 yrs old) hates the fact he is not tall and has a squint nose looking for narc supply he uses it. He has a squint lip and also I know he has a twin sister. I called him a leach and he said many times I was clever. Thought this may have been my education but actually it was because I was telling him off and questioning him. He wanted unprotected sex. He even lied about speaking to a nhs councellor I recommended as she is not available for him in his area. He has another child and ex partner who he used to get sympathy out of me. It was lies that he had won custody and gave the child to the mother). I found out where he lived, how much he bought his house for and he was surprised. I told him his partners name and child’s name. I think he was surprised. I went round his home area at the end telling him I wanted to see his decking, he said to stop it as this was scary stuff and he did not want me near his house. I told him to get outside because I was there. He came out in a rage but he never saw me (saw him in rage twice). So I left it at that then a month later I see him flaunt another girl by him, he tried to make conversation. No way so I sent him a pic saying narc and all the things they do. He was not in touch again until recently he messaged me on a number I did not recognise so I said wrong number and blocked him. I took him off my fb account pretty early in the so called relationship much to his disgust. I then saw him again and he tried to speak, no thanks. I did not look at him at all. I had no clue what was going on. I knew it was not right and my intuition was screaming beware but did I listen, in the end yes. That is when the fog began to lift, my life came back so much better and I continue to recover. I cannot believe how I was sucked into this Web. I was clever right enough I got rid off him. No contact is a must. No friend card if he offers. You are in charge of you no one else. I have learnt from this (was planning my suicide) that I will never put up with people/things like this again. I come first and I am in control of me. Yes it is horrible to think he continues to do this with others (have proof) also that he is still with his partner (I just pray to God she is safe and the child). He told me he was married. Indeed he was and I know her name and more (he does not how that). So he did tell one bit of truth. I did get 1 thank you from him: for not going to pick his partner and child up to take them to where he was meant to meet me. These are personality disordered people that won’t change because they don’t want to. We cannot fix them. Don’t be anywhere near them as they are so very toxic. Get to councelling, domestic violence groups and a trusted friend is great too. So we can all get caught out but we can learn from this and now this is ALL my life. Healing to you all. X
Ps I don’t recommend you approach ur narc like I did in the end. You have to be safe. I was at all times.