The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
Joshua Stoudt
March 1, 2016 at 1:15 amWow. I just read your information on this site and it really changed my whole outlook and perspective! I was in a 7 year same sex relationship with my partner completely not at all knowing he is a sex addict. Until he came home unannounced for the 1st time in the almost 7 years that we were together and threw me in jail! He is a truck driver and he was never home. He showered me with designer clothing, a new car, built a brand new home together, went on the most amazing vacations and had the hottest sex life! I found the hard “evidence” if him cheating that I i was looking for. Even though I knew in my heart that he was cheating after he lied about all of the uncanny emails, text messages and phone calls i stayed! Even when he admitted to cheating on me one time when i was in treatment, i of course believed him when he said, “it was just phone sex it will never happen again.” And then that changed to, “it was just oral sex, i kicked him out because it was so bad.” He admitted to doing that when I was in rehab for 8 months and again believed him when he said it will never happen again, you are my hot baby boy. Went on vacation and the night we got home he got a text message at 2am, what is your ………. screen name? It was a gay hookup site that i cannot name at this time for legal reasons. Again i got ot was just phone sex. I feel so stupid that i didn’t leave him years ago but i didn’t know he was a sex addict! And who doesn’t like having a hot sex life and being showered by nice stuff! I say stuff because thats all that it was, STUFF. It meant nothing except his way of “keeping me” while he screwed the nation. I estimate the amout of different guys he slept with behind my back in the hundreds! He only advertised to have bareback (condomless sex), organized and hosted groupsex hotel parties, went to clubs to pick up guys to screw and engaged in sexual activity involving minors. I was completely sick to my stomach when i found all of this out of course! I thought he was joking around everytime he called himself a “stud.” Well now i know he wasn’t jokig. He forced me to go to bath houses and nude resorts and engage in sexual activity with others, complete strangers because he thought said that it will be so hot and i only agreed to do allow for other people to “join” and i would get my Ass beat later if i argued about it ontop of already feeling very akward and uncomfortable. He especially beat me more so later during the relationship everytime asked him if he was cheating on me and argued with him because i knew he was lying! I just didn’t have the hard evidence then to prove that I was right that i have now. I keep asking myself why, why, why, why me? Why did he “keep” me for 7 years and then just throw me in jail, why? I need to say thank you because you made me understand more so now that i will NEVER get answers and to never talk to him again or even try to. I cheated back on him last year (2015) to hopefully find out the answer(s) as of to why he was cheating on me so much! Especially when all of last year (2015) he couldn’t keep his penis hard everytime i had sex with him. He said please dont think its you, you are my hot baby boy! How was i not supposed to think that it wasn’t me because it kept happening and i never did find the answer why, just how danger, disgusting and gross it is what he is doing. The man wanted to have sex with me in a porn store and he calls me a whore? I would never agree to ever do that obviously because it is very sleezy, gross and disgusting! I am better than that to ever agree to ever do something like that with him or anyone! And then when some stranger would come in and i would have to suck his penis that i know from the hole in the gloryhole and then get my Ass beat because “i didn’t get into it?” He is a sexual narcissist and predator who treated me very very badly as well as abused me both physically and mentally. I just wanted to say thank you so much for creating this website and writing what you did and your personal experience because i can now stop thinking that i will ever get the answers to all of my why questions and just move on! As you know how so very hard and difficult this is, he made alot of money and supported me 110%, i didn’t have to work which was my first biggest mistake by letting him take full control of our finances when me, a man in his late 20s should definitely be building a career! Or going to school. I souly believed that we would be together for forever and didn’t finish school or find a job in the course of the almost 7 years that we were together. I did exactly what you said to do to help me move forward by changing my phone numbers, deleting my Facebook and email addresses etc. He has no way to contact me now! I of course just have to keep working on moving forward and i cant wait until the day comes that i stop “missing” him and can wake up with that monster in the back of my mind! I will forgive but I will never forget. He can enjoy the company of his many “hookups” in any porn store now and doesn’t have to worry any longer of my reaction when i find out. More importantly i dont have to ever worry again about him doing that to me! I deserve better! I just dont understand just how he thought that I would never ever find out the truth about his lies? I got very sick in my stomach when i saw just how many people he cheated on me with, again hundreds and the sick things he did. I never thought it was possible for someone to be so addicted and desperate for sex! So addicted and desperate to have “fresh meat!” I cant thank you enough again for posting this and allowing me, the true victim in all of this to read your information! And thank you so much for also making me realize that no matter who I talk to and try to tell my side of what happened it doesn’t matter. He will always “be the victim right!?” It doesn’t matter. Im not stupid! I never made wedding plans for a reason! My heart was telling me the truth that he was cheating. Unfortunately i received many many bruises to find out that truth !Im not dumb i just didn’t know that evil monstrous demons existed in the world let alone what they are capable of doing and the things they forced me to do!
Zari Ballard
March 15, 2016 at 4:27 pmHi Joshua,
I’m sorry that it took me so long to respond but I sure am glad that my articles helped to changed your perspective of the situation:) I hope that you’ve been able to distance yourself from this person because everyone deserves to be respected and happy and it appears that you’ve had neither respect NOR happiness. It’s always a shock to find out what they’ve really been up to and it never fails to ALWAYS blow our mind.
Let me know how you’re doing….
Zari xo
jalinda
February 27, 2016 at 9:35 pmhi zari
Thank u for this article. As I lay in my bed another night thinking about the man I had thought really loved me I read this. I’ve been in this up and down relationship for 3yrs practically. I wonder if last night after finally catching him red handed cheating it will be the last time he contacts me. He moved out of the expensive home we got together a few days ago. He staying in a hotel that I stayed in with him for the past few days as well cause I thought he couldn’t be without me. So although he moved out and took All the appliances I stayed in the hotel room with him too accept for last night. He had the audacity to be in the same damn hotel room with someone else. What bothers me the most is when I knocked on the door he was on the other side pleading with the new chick about how I am lying about being there the past night . He denied taking me out for dinner to ask me to arrange couple counseling. That hurts so much cause he was denying me instead of I guess the other way.
Christina
February 25, 2016 at 8:38 amHi. I have been with an N for 5 years now. I have read countless books, forums on the subject so much that I feel that I’m a expert on the subject, however I can’t shake myself out of this relationship that I know that is going no where. When we argue like every other N we don’t get nowhere and our problems go unresolved. When cornered he goes into full rage mode. He used to give me the silent treatment, but that has changed over time. He has no empathy or concern on how I feel and he’s a serial cheater. I have never caught him or honestly don’t want to… I just know!! His lies are very transparent or they just don’t add up. I just don’t want to be that person driving around, looking through his phone… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I have done that and it has gotten me no where. He manipulates and turns the tables on any argument to the point that he tries to make me feel guilty. The crazy thing is as he’s doing it I think to myself he’s doing it again. Usually we end all fights not resolving anything but, I give in from mental/emotional exhaustion. He knows I’m a good women he tells me all the time but, I think that I’m his front. The image he wants to portray to family and friends. 6 months ago our sex life has started to dwindle. I feel rejected-and honestly I’m having a hard time dealing with that. I feel alone even when I’m with him. I just really wish that he were different. That desire that he had for me I don’t see it anymore like no effort. We had an argument the other night and he told me our relationship is more than just sex for him. He’s like “today we had a bad night we can try again tomorrow and if tomorrow is a bad night -there will be next one” You are an important person in my life and your family. In other areas of our life we get along fine, we like the same things and we have lots of good memories of fun times, traveling and doing things we both enjoy. I always tell myself okay I’m going to call it quits in January and then January rolls by and we make plans in February so then it’s like okay I’ll wait it out and then we make plans for several activities and I feel ultimately It’s just never a good time and the last year has gone by like this. His sister and I are close friends and his family is very close knit and they love me and my kids but, I need to do right by me and cut him loose because I know he never will. I could write a book but, today I’m just sad because how ever Monster we know that the N is. I don’t want to see him like.
Zari Ballard
March 5, 2016 at 5:54 pmHi Christina,
I’m sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find the courage to escape the madness. There comes a time when the tidbits of good memories simply aren’t enough to sustain us through the cheating, lying, neglect, etc. Sure, he appears to be perfectly comfortable keeping the relationship together but there’s a reason for this: for a narcissist, the game just never ever gets old. He’ll do it until the end of time if you allow it. For him, there are many benefits to keeping it together (as you said, appearances, having a “good” woman at home, his family approves, etc.) but for you there are NO benefits. The narcissist knows that you are willing to accept crumbs of attention…he has managed down your expectations of the relationship so that you accept less and less and he gets away with more. There are so many things that I could say. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will see yourself on every page.
He’s never going to change and that’s a fact. Knowing this, you have to make a decision. You will also have sever ties with his family because you can’t have it both ways. That never works. They will always enable him and you’ll always feel connected. Good luck to you and feel free to write anytime. I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Karen
February 24, 2016 at 12:07 amMy story is a bit different. I am a nurse and have worked with Narcissist for yrs. I knew I was dealing with a N from day 1. It was fun to watch him in action. They r amazing. I enjoyed the fact that we lived miles apart. He loved to travel like me. I done a lot of traveling. It’s not that I didn’t feel he was cheating I just didn’t have proof until Friday. Here goes: I was at work and received a voicemail telling me he was due to check into a hotel that night but his card was declined. This VM came in on Wednesday. I kept it cool until Friday night. When I got off work at 10pm I called to the hotel and asked for his room and low and behold I was transferred to his room and a female answered the phone. My mistake was hanging up. He called me back from his cell about 20 min later trying to sound like he was just awakening. I asked him where he was and he said I am home. Little did he know I had driven to his home and I was at his front door. I then told him to hang up and I forwarded the hotel VM to him. When I tried to call him back he wouldn’t answer. I received a text from him saying, “I can prove I didn’t do it”. Ten minutes later I changed my door locks, blocked his number. No more contact for life. Now here’s the fun part. His home was broken into several months ago and all of his expensive jewelry, some clothes, his dead grandma magnalite pots are here. U know where I’m going with this. Fortunate for me I always had insight into this nut job and I look forward to moving on.
Zari Ballard
February 24, 2016 at 7:23 pmHi Karen,
Oh no…it’s no different. I can’t tell you how many times that happened to me. I would find a clue…or stumble onto some information and, on a hunch, I’d “activate it” (calling a girl’s number I’d find and hanging up, driving by a house where I thought he was staying and honking my horn) and within SECONDS I’d get a phone call from him acting as if he just woke up or whatever. I called it “smoking him out” and I could do it whether we were together or whether we’d been apart for months. They’re all the same…the story just changes slightly! ha-ha!
And as for the robbery items…no, I’m not really sure where you were going with IT…BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE…I’m good with it if you are, sister!!!!
Stay strong! Right now, you’re in the driver’s seat…don’t ever give up your spot! NC for life!
Zari xo
Karen
February 24, 2016 at 10:20 pmThank you for sharing Zari. I went no contact immediately. Blocked him so that I cannot receive calls or texts. I am just feeling hurt and betrayed.
Zari Ballard
March 1, 2016 at 6:59 pmHi Karen,
Good luck, girl…you are doing the right thing. Embrace the new silence and look forward. Nothing you can have ever done or said would have changed a thing and YOU were never the problem. Stay strong…..
Zari xo
Monika
February 23, 2016 at 2:24 pmHi. I am writing because my life was turned upside down. I met my narc on a dating website. Everything happened very fast. He texted me all day long. He told me I was the only one he wanted, that no other woman compared to me. I was in heaven. I couldn’t believe that this beautiful man wanted and desired me so much. I was actually in shock that he was even single. I remember he picked me up in his car and got upset with me for not feeling comfortable with having sex in his car, he threw me out of his car and made me walk in the cold 15 blocks to my house! I was in utter disbelief. The next time I asked him to pick me up from the train station and he fold me to walk to his place or just turn around and go back home. I couldn’t understand what happened to this man and why he started to act so cruelly toward me. Unfortunately, for me at this point I started to fall in love with him, despite his cruelty I was hooked. He started to give me the silent treatment for days on end whenever I called him out on his behavior. I made plans with him for a Friday night and he ignored me despite me asking him just to reply so I would know what is going on. He gave me the silent treatment for two days. On Sunday he told me to come over his house right now. I had a headache and was taking a nap and didn’t see his text. He told me I was a whore and I was too busy fucking someone else to respond to him. The next time he yelled at me for not coming over his house fast enough and blamed me when I told him it takes 45 minutes to get there on the train he told me to “just go home” because I took too long and it ” annoys him” When I would tell him to come and pick me up sometimes he would yell at me and say no he doesn’t feel like driving and I didn’t show him “enough respect” for him to drive to me. Another time we made plans as usual for me to come over his place, right as I am about to leave my house he calls me all upset that it took me too long to leave and he told me to ” just stay home”
I was really in love with him and told him I wanted to make things work with him and be with him. He started getting more distant. I told him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him and he told me he wasn’t the one for me and he would just ” use” me for sex he told he told me ” trust me I’m not what you want” was he warning me ? I was in disbelief was this the same man who told me he only wanted me a few weeks ago ??? anyway I find out he has a new girlfriend a month later that he is supposedly so happy with. I just can’t believe he has moved on so fast. I can’t believe he has a new girlfriend when he knows I loved him and wanted to make thing work with him. I am trying to wrap my mind around everything. I was so sick when he told me he had a girlfriend that I literally laid down on the bathroom floor and slept there because I was just throwing up all night long. I have decided to stop contacting him because I want to be respectful of his new relationship but I feel like a drug addict who needs a hit. I am usually someone who has boundaries but with him I don’t recognize myself.
Zari Ballard
March 5, 2016 at 6:07 pmHi Monika,
I am sorry for what you are going through but I am going to be straight-up here. This guy is more than a narcissist…he’s a full-blown weirdo. First of all, I could be wrong because you didn’t give an exact amount of time but, based on what you’ve shared, you haven’t know him long enough to be “in love” with him. You didn’t even know him. He was a text buddy that you met online who was obviously looking for sex. Online dating is FILLED TO THE BRIM with these monsters. The first time he kicked you out of his car should have been it. You haven’t described a single thing about this guy that is even likable, girlfriend.
Be glad that he has a new “girlfriend”. Given the kind of degenerate that he is, you must surely know that he will treat everyone that he meets exactly the same. He is looking for sex when he wants it and nothing else. Believe me, there is nothing respectful about his new relationship. You need to stop contacting him BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER AND HE’S A COMPLETE CREEP. Dry your tears and block his number so that he can never call to abuse you again! And please try to stay away from dating sites and, if you can’t, please be wary of “love-bombing” right off the bat. It’s a huge red flag for any woman and we need to run in the other direction as soon as it happens. If it seems to good to be true, IT IS.
You seem like a very sweet person, sister. Please take care of yourself and feel free to write me anytime. I am here to support you….
Zari xo
Monika
March 18, 2016 at 3:38 pmThank you zari. You are completely right I didn’t know him very long. I think the sex just messed with my head and made me think there was more to it. To top eveything off he would fill my head with how “I’m the only girl for him” and “I don’t want anyone else” he tried to set the stage for me to believe like we were more. I remember at the beginning of the relationship I made it very clear I wasn’t looking for just sex. He told me it was about so much more for him than just sex. He ran hot and cold all the time and whenver he ran cold I would think to myself that maybe I did something that upset him I would apologize nonstop and at times I didn’t even know what I was “sorry” for given that he was so nice and caring at the beginning. At one point I felt like I was going crazy I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong or if it was just him. I am happy to say that enough time has passed for me to have gained some perspective on the situation. I can see him more clearly for what he is. I do feel bad for his “girlfriend” and I’m happy it’s not me. Thank you again.
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2016 at 1:20 amHi Monika,
I know the sex makes it hard and, yes, the narcissist is very good at what he does. Thankfully, you’re getting it into perspective and the only thing that makes this happen is time. You’ll see….the more that time goes by, the clearer it all becomes. Just stay strong and focus on YOU. Keep in your mind the reality of what he REALLY was. Let’s be glad he’s someone else’s problem now….Stays strong, sister!
Zari xo
Christy
December 28, 2015 at 11:10 amYuuup! Im no longer playing my narc hubbys game. The lies keep getting so obvious its funny and its even more funny the bullshit when i tell him exactly what he is up to. Im aware that he is aware of my narc awareness. Ive told him the gig is up. I know that means im no longer supply and he had to get new supply. Lots of it i feel, i dont even want to know how deep it all goes. EVERYTHING he does is transparent as suran wrap these days. It all still hurts. The fact that a man 15 years my senior married me at age 23 out of pure spite for his ex (who is also a cheating, lying, narcissist) and the man even agreed that we should have a child together in his spiteful narc hell is hard enough. Id write a book if i told the 12 year experience. Sum it up briefly, ULTIMATE MIND FUCK!!!! Wowza!!!! Im grateful when i finally get outta this ill smell his kind from miles away like they can sniff out the vulnerable! Dont walk away from them, RUN LIKE HURRICANE WINDS BLOW!!!!
Joy Martinez
December 2, 2015 at 5:19 pmAre there more mild cases of narcissistic behavior. My husband has now cheated on me 4 times – that I know of. He does not show what I would call real remorse or sorrow or sadness for my pain. He does get angry when I question or corner him. When I show any sort of disgust or express my feelings he throws up his hands and asks “Well, whey the fuck are you with me then” ALWAYS he does this regarding anything, not just cheating. He tells me straight out that he can leave and be ok. Regarding anything, not just cheating. He does not disappear or go out, or have hobbies. It seems that he ‘might’ be more of an opportunistic cheater – I think. Although, each time was VERY different. 1st was online – cyber sex and via phone but felt it was enough to leave me in hopes of starting something with her – to find out she was married as well. 2nd time with my supposed best friend while I was in Afghanistan. I filed for separation while deployed, had my own place when I returned home from a full year in combat zone – after 4 months of non-stop begging and pleading I moved back in with him to learn that he was talking to a female that I have yet to learn anything about – I moved back into my own place. He never confessed anything about her and said he would rather divorce before telling me anything because of ‘GP’. After another 6 mos of him begging and pleading I allowed him to move back in with me. It took me until about 8 mos ago to 95% open back up with him and be free with my heart again – This started in 2011. The last time he moved back home was Dec 2013. It’s been a roller coaster with my healing and trying to regain trust. Finally, about 3 mos ago – I gave in again 100%. All of my friends and family were telling me to get over it because I can’t be happy unless I do – that things have been great so let go of the past and be happy – to take your marriage and your happiness back and live again. So I did – full force. For the first time I put up pictures of us again, I let go in bed, I started cooking again and being domestic again, I actually wrapped my arms around him the Sunday before Halloween when I got home from the grocery store and told him how happy I am. That has not happened since before the first time in 2011. Literally, the night of the day that I told him how happy I was, I got a bill in the mail from our insurance company that he went and got tested for STD’s at a local urgent care clinic. I was crushed, yet again. I opened up for the first time in 4 years. Anyway, this last time was a ‘he said’ a woman he met at the bar in the hotel he was staying at for our step-son’s baseball tournament. However, my stepsons mom was there that weekend too. So, I really don’t know. I guess I’m really wondering and trying to understand what type of person I’m dealing with. He’s now living in our guest room and nothing is the same, although he tries to act as though nothing happened. Wants to cuddle, hold my hand, joke around and be merry. I don’t get any of it. I’m so confused. I would love to get some advice. This is the first time I’ve ever realized that there are ‘types’ of cheaters. How disgusting can people be? Thanks to anyone who would provide some feedback.
Zari Ballard
December 6, 2015 at 2:13 amHi Joy,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful you found my website. Seems to me that there’s nothing “mild” about this guy’s case of narcissism. He’s actually about as narcissistic as they come. Narcissists are all the same with the minor exception of how they have to accommodate their situation. You say that your husband doesn’t disappear or go out as if this makes him different from other narcissists. It doesn’t. Apparently, he didn’t have to go far from home to get things done. He did it online, took full advantage of the year you were deployed, and even moved out so that he wasn’t there at all. It’s all the same, girl. Throwing up his hands and saying “Why are you with me then?”…my ex used to do that all the time. Same with telling me for years that he could “take me or leave me” with no problem at all. Same with having to secretly get checked for STD’s.
Kick this bastard out once and for all. You have no children and nothing to keep you down. Don’t waste your life. He’s a liar and a cheat and it all comes under the umbrella of narcissism. His “bad” is as good as it’s ever going to get. If you can afford to be the one to move out, then do it. Narcissists who really have no where else to go at the moment have no problem lingering around even when it’s uncomfortable. The truth is that he’s NOT uncomfortable because he doesn’t have a moral compass to make him feel that way. He’d rather try to snuggle up in hopes that eventually, if he keeps trying, you’ll just give in…and he’s got all the patience in the world. But the cheating – it will start again and soon. Just because it appears that he’s always home means nothing. To a narcissist, it’s all about what he can get away with day to day. Don’t listen to your family because they will never ever “get it”. Unless a person has experienced it first hand, they’ll never understand the level of the betrayal. The abuse is often so passive-aggressive that when we attempt to describe it to others, we end up looking like a whiner. If you stay, though, this will be your life – forever. Narcissists do not change and they can’t be fixed or even improved. It just is what it is.
I do provide phone consultations if you’d like to speak one-on-one. You’d be amazed how empowering just one conversation can be with someone who shares the experience.
I wish you nothing but the best, girl. You deserve much happiness. Keep reading here and at similar sites because knowledge is power…and I’m always here to support you:)
Zari xo