Narcissists and the silent treatment go together like…well, like maybe bees and honey or peas and carrots or (better yet!) thunder and lightening or like any two things that can’t be one without the other. Seriously, a silent treatment can’t occur without a narcissist (or sociopath) to implement it and a narcissist couldn’t be a narcissist without having the silent treatment in his arsenal of emotional weapons used to inflict cruel and not-so-unusual passive-aggressive punishments. Without fail, every dysfunctional story ever told – including my own – that describes a relationship involving a narcissistic partner includes numerous silent treatments. There’s simply no way around it.
The silent treatment is not only the most hurtful narcissistic behavior, it’s also typically the one single behavior that finally forces a victim partner to start googling the bullshit which, in turn, inevitably leads to the “a-ha” moment that changes (and also explains) everything! To find meaningful article topics for this blog, I always turn to Google analytics to provide me the search terms that visitors use to find my articles. In other words, I really try to write about topics related to narcissism that weigh the heaviest on the minds of readers. Time after time, I find that the “silent treatment” is invariably the most popular term searched on the web by anyone looking for this type of information.
For example, when I pulled the search terms used to reach my site for the period of a few months, the following is just a very small portion of the list that came back to me from Google:
silent treatment victim
silent treatment sucks
silent treatment of the narcissist
silent treatment in relationship
silent treatment hurts the most
silent treatment from narcissist
silent treatment for over a week
silent treatment after no contact
silent treatment after he dumped me and blamed me for dumping him
silent treatment after he cheated
why does narcissist go silent again after he comes back
what does silent treatment really mean
what does it mean when boyfriend shuts off his phone
will narcissist boyfriend come back after 6 mos silence
why did ex come back and then leave again for no reason
And this list goes on and on and on in various forms and questions and shows me, day in and day out, that narcissism is out there in epidemic proportions.
After suffering through literally 100’s of deliberately calculated silent treatments over almost 13 years with a narcissist, I still carry the emotional collateral damage of the experiences. Only a complete creep uses the punishment of silence to hurt the people that care for him/her. And make no mistake about it, a SILENT TREATMENT IS NOTHING BUT A BREAK-UP IN DISGUISE. By not telling his partner anything and basically vanishing from sight, the narcissist, in effect, keeps the wheel of hope/codependency in motion so that the recipient of the punishment, never being quite sure whether the relationship is really over or not, anxiously waits for his return. The narcissist, however, will, throughout the silence, consider the relationship completely over and, thus, will (continue to) cheat to his heart’s content until he’s ready to return to the original victim (whereby making a new victim out of his newest target). If there IS one thing you can be sure of when the narcissist returns, it’s that somewhere out there some other girl or guy is getting the silent treatment from this same asshole. As the girl he happens to return to, you can choose to believe whatever you want or whatever he tells you BUT THAT IS THE FACT AND IT NEVER CHANGES. Your relationship with your particular narcissist is no different than anyone else’s relationship with a narcissist. When it comes to the silent treatment, narcissists are nothing if not predictable.
When a victim is getting the silent treatment from his/her narcissistic lover or partner, I get all kinds of questions asked of me that I know for a fact are asked only as a way to bargain with the truth and it makes me sad. I understand that no one really wants to believe that every single time a narcissist goes silent he is fucking someone else – but he is. This is why he shuts his cell phone off (to begin the cell phone game) or lets the phone go endlessly to voice mail without ever reacting to your distress or why he doesn’t answer his door (even though you KNOW he’s inside) or why he stays away from home (where he knows you’ll eventually show up). A narcissist appears to literally fall off the grid in the blink of an eye because, yes, it was all part of a calculated plan…a plan to erase you as if you meant nothing to him EVER (or at least “nothing” until he needs or wants to come back). AGAIN, A SILENT TREATMENT IS NOTHING MORE THAN A BREAK-UP IN DISGUISE.
To further amp up our anxiety over an unexpected and uncalled for silence, the narcissist reappears as quickly as he left, typically with a completely ridiculous story that he knows you’ll believe because he knows you WANT to believe it. Yes, narcissists don’t put a whole lot of thought into the stories that accompany the home-coming because he/she knows that you’re ready to believe anything by the time he gets there. As part of his pathological relationship agenda, the narcissist understands the concept of creating plausible denial, believe me. My ex could concoct the most ludicrous story at the drop of a hat if he felt that I was starting to relax at any moment during the silence. You know what I’m talking about because we’ve all been there. Just when we start to think “Hey, I can do whatever I want now just like him! Why have been I been crying like a baby for a month? I’m starting to feel good!”, here comes the familiar knock at the door or the benign little hoovering text message sucking us back into the abyss. In my mind, the narcissist’s connection to us is not only psychic, it’s demonic!!!!
All I can say about the silent treatment and the narcissist who subjects you to it is that IT ALL MUST STOP OR ELSE IT NEVER WILL. How many times has the narcissist in your life disappeared into the horrible silence for no reason at all and then reappeared only to leave just days/weeks later to do it all over again? To the narcissist, this horribly abusive behavioral pattern is what I call the sport of “seduce and discard” and it’s all part of the fun of being a narcissist. And, believe me, when he’s not doing it to you, he’s definitely doing it to someone else. Victims are puppets and the narcissist is a Puppeteer!
Look, no one – and I mean NO ONE – deserves to be erased as if they never existed after nary a fight or even a disagreement. Narcissists do not need a single reason on earth to vanish…to bring you to your knees…to make you feel like nothing more than a piece of shit on his/her shoe. As a passive-aggressive means of controlling and manipulating a victim’s reality, the silent treatment is a cruel (but unfortunately not unusual) punishment that must not be allowed. How easily we are manipulated into forgetting that normal people just don’t act that way.
At any moment during a silent treatment, you have the power (and the right!) to say to no one but yourself “This is no longer a silent treatment. This is No Contact and I’m in control.” Believe me, if he is silent, you two are BROKEN UP. Don’t be fooled by the narcissist’s twisted control/validate manipulation. You can turn his bullshit around any fucking time you want and make it stick. You can choose to never allow him to reappear. You can make this vanishing act his last.
It’s always been within your power to END THE INSANITY. I know it’s hard to believe that when you’re in the thick of it but it is true, my friends. Learn from my mistakes and from the mistakes others. Any partner, lover or friend who pulls a silent treatment on you EVEN ONCE should be immediately discarded…kicked to the curb. It is up to you to end it or it will never ever end.
Go No Contact and get your power back!
Danielle
May 10, 2019 at 7:25 amYour articles have been such an eye opener! I never realized that the person I was with is a narcissist and the more I read, I felt like you were talking about him – all the characteristics is totally him. We have been dating for 6 months. 2 weeks ago he just suddenly told me he needed “alone time” and after that, deafening silence. No text, phone calls, avoiding me like the plague. Mind you, the day before he abandoned me, we had great sex and we seem to be getting closer together because we had a long conversation about so many things. He is a very private person and it took a while for him to open up to me and share so I felt good that we were getting to a place where “we” are getting more serious. So imagine my surprise and confusion once he dropped me like an unwanted thing the next day. He told me he had too many things going on in his head, that it had nothing to do with me and all he needed was alone time (you get the drill). So, because I cared for him very much, I left him alone and told him that I am here if he needs me. I was expecting him to at least have some sort of limited communication – an occasional hi or some sort of like “dont worry, i will be ok, just bear with me” – however, there was nothing at all. The worst part is that we work at the same office. He totally avoids me – and when I see him in the hallway, he doesn’t even look at me – like I’ve been erased from existence. I felt very hurt and was a mess the 1st week, I couldn’t concentrate at work and was crying in my office and at home almost every day. I asked for advice from friends (both men and women) and all of them told me he is probably cheating on me and interested in another woman, that he is an asshole and a coward.
Now that I’ve had time to think, it dawned on me that he has done this to me before. The 1st time was Valentine’s Day. He disappeared on me suddenly and said he is going through something and needed space. I was hurt and confused because I was looking forward to spending it with him but after a few days, I told him we needed to talk because I wasn’t sure if he still wanted to go on or not. We were early in our relationship so I was still trying to figure him out at this point. I asked him if he is still interested and he said yes so we both decided to try to be better. I specifically remember having an agreement with him that if either one of us wants to break it off, that we should be honest with each other and just tell each other face to face and not play games. After that, everything was great. Now, his birthday comes along 2 weeks ago, and BAM! he does it to me again. Another special day that I was looking forward to spending with him. After the 1st week of trying to hang on, I decided to reciprocate with NO CONTACT. Why should I chase him, right? This is before I came across your website. I was trying to find some answers as to why people like him do this and when I found your articles, it’s like I found the holy grail. I felt like you were telling me that I am doing the right thing with the “no contact rule” and now, more than ever, I feel more empowered to stick to my guns. No one should ever treat me this way. I am not having it.
I’ve decided that I want nothing to do with him and if he re-establishes contact and decides to talk to me again, I will ignore him. I don’t even want to know why he did this – any explanation from him at this point is unacceptable and unnecessary. I have erased him from my phone and erased all of his pictures. He has been working out and building muscles so I am pretty sure that it has gone to his head and fed his ego a lot – thinking he is so hot now that he is probably getting some attention. I am also pretty sure he has been on multiple dating sites and apps recently because a friend of mine found him.
His narcissistic ways are definitely the reason why his marriage failed and that all relationships thereafter didn’t last very long. I think his threshold is 6 months – given his history. I can see clearly now for what he really is – a piece of garbage. I am fortunate to be smart enough to draw the line and say enough is enough. What resonated with me the most are your words “The silent treatment is a break up in disguise”. Whenever I falter and start thinking about us and what happened, I repeat this phrase to put myself back on track.
Thank you for all your enlightening articles. It has helped me greatly….
Maria
January 6, 2019 at 9:37 amHi
I too am a victim of a narcissist. Almost 5 years I was played I am sure. My own fault getting involved with someone when I am married but at a very low point in my life self esteem wise. He found me on Facebook. It has been tumultuous to say the least. I had tried to go no contact but yes once he disappeared and then re contacted by email and Hangouts Google with a poem after 12 months of no contact. I had blocked him on FBook, phone and messages but email I had not.
So it started again. 10 months later having an affair again via texts, phone calls and even meeting up, one last message on Whassap from him and then silence. Nothing. From messages everyday to nothing. It’s been 11 days now since we last spoke and 7 days since last message. I blocked his phone number in my phone, blocked on Whassap, blocked on FB (both accounts as he has one in his real name and one as a pretend account).
In the beginning he expressed our similarities and ‘twin flames’ soul mates etc and blamed my husband for my self esteem and marital problems…! He really came over as genuine, opened up to me shared intimate personsl information about his life, he did refer back to his ex a lot though come to think of it, more fool me, my poor husband. He did not deserve to be put second best because of this arsehole. My husband has forgiven me, but I am paranoid now that this man may try to contact my husband for revenge if he cant hoover me back. Never again! I havent heard from him thank god even though I did send him an email expressing my confusion that he just stopped communication and said to ‘take care’. That’s just my empathetic nature… still cared about him enough to send him an email probably because I want closure.How to block him from my email that is the hardest thing. I dont want him hoovering me back in.
Advice?