Narcissists and sociopaths use very specific strategies to manipulate victims and streamline the codependency of just about anyone who gets close to them. In the first part of this article series, A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist (Part 1), I described a website/blog written by a female sociopath for sociopaths that discusses everything about how sociopaths think, manipulate, and calculate the demise of others. Since I personally believe that narcissists and sociopaths are cut from the very same cloth ( a comparison that smacks of an insult to a sociopath), I am going to offer up, in this article, some actual content written by this self-described/self-diagnosed sociopath relative to compartmentalization. Again, compartmentalization is how narcissists and sociopaths justify their behaviors and actions within their own twisted minds. It is how they organize the strategies that, in effect, dictate how they will treat the people who love them as well as anyone who crosses their path and could possibly serve a purpose.
I’m offering this content relative to the three questions that are always at the forefront of every victim’s mind in the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist: how narcissists juggle relationships, how narcissists can so easily pretend to love us one minute and then so obviously hate us the next, and why narcissists always return ( hoover back). The underlying message of the answers, taken from a post on this particular blog, presents some very scary shit and basically proves that my, yours, everyone’s analysis of these reptiles (as one of my readers so aptly described her own!) is correct. Moreover, I think sometimes that we actually do need to hear it from the horse’s mouth in order to really wrap our heads around deliberately despicable behaviors that cause so much pain. Basically it comes down to one question: How do they do it?
Now, keep in mind that whether this content is contrived to appease non-narcissists/sociopaths, I can’t be sure… but it sure makes sense to me! So, here we go….
How can narcissists lie so easily, juggle numerous relationships, and keep it all straight so that one relationship rarely finds out about the other?
The answer, from the mouth of a sociopath/narcissist: For me, not only is Game Theory one fashion of handling life, but the concept of compartmentalization. As many people have commented, trying to keep everything in order (in regards to the lies, half-truths, manipulations, “games,” etc.) would be exceedingly difficult. And it would be, if the sociopath’s mind operated as a normal person’s. Everything in my mind is organized sort of like folders and folder groups that you might find in, say, Windows Explorer; everything has its place. When a situation presents itself, or I am with a certain friend(s), I simply “open” up that folder and behave accordingly. When one’s mind is organized in such a way that no thought co-mingles with others, you don’t have the problem of “remembering all of the lies,” because you have everything you need neatly stored away, waiting to be accessed at the right time. This same concept of compartmentalization applies in all walks of life, whether it be love, friendships, work, etc. Another quality of this is enabling oneself to keep track of friend circles and ensuring that none of these circles cross in any way; this can allow for you to more easily adapt to any number of given situations per friend circle: a different personality, find another lover (in addition to, or instead of, one you may already have). I find that I am in many different circles, but almost as a ghost; I can walk in and out of these circles almost unnoticed and not missed. I was once described by a teacher as, “a loner who is never alone.”
How is it possible for narcissists to pretend they love their partners when they actually could care less?
The answer, from the mouth of a sociopath/narcissist: Sociopaths seem to be exceptionally good at compartmentalizing, which would explain why it is possible for him both to have cared (and perhaps still care) for you very much but seem to not be at all interested in you now. A good way for normal people to understand the extent to which this works is to think of a vivid dream, perhaps an anxiety dream in which you dream of things that need to happen, projects that need to get done, problems that need to get solved. During the dream you get very caught up in the urgency of things, whatever it is that you are dreaming about becomes very important to you, you can’t imagine a world in which this was not a primary concern for you. When you wake up from the dream there are still lingering feelings of the dream. Perhaps you just have the feeling that you need to do something, or maybe you actually remember specifics of what you supposedly “need” to do. Within the first fifteen minutes or so of wakefulness, however, you eventually realize that it was just a dream, that you really don’t have to worry about those things at all, and so you continue living this other life and quickly forget about the dream life. That is how much sociopaths can compartmentalize. The dream world never fully goes away, maybe they remember some of it, or something will remind them of it, but for the most part it and the feelings felt are a faint memory. Those feelings associated were “real” in that they reflect how the sociopath would feel under the circumstances of the dream, but those circumstances just turned out not to be true.
Why do narcissists always hoover their way back (at some point) after a discard?
The answer, from the mouth of a sociopath/narcissist: A lot of people ask me why a sociopath who has ended a relationship would still go through a great deal of effort to ensure that contact is never cut off completely.When sociopaths are involved in any serious relationship, they become a special version of themselves just for that person. I think the sociopath’s desire to check in is a desire to reconnect with that person that he once was, the same way that people might nostalgically flip through photo albums, even if the photos are only of themselves. Why to people go to a reunion? Is it really to catch up with old friends, or more to remember who they used to be? And why can’t we be multiple things to multiple people? I’ve been thinking recently whether I collect other people, or whether I allow myself to be collected. Even worthless junk can become priceless in the hands of the right collector.
There’s no doubt in my mind that all of the above confirms everything I have assumed about the narcissistic relationship agenda that I discuss at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In the third and final article in this series, What is the Narcissist Really Thinking (Sociopath Series Part 3/3), I’ll offer content from this same blog that answers other questions we have about what narcissists and sociopaths think, how they “feel” about themselves, how they live without a moral compass, and so forth.
Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up (or can they?)…..
Debby
March 14, 2017 at 12:27 pmI recently ended a 2.5 yr relationship with an sociopath, narcissist alcoholic that has my soul so silent right now. I actually asked my therapist if I’m a narc or sociopath because I’ve done some crazy things to expose him. OMG, I feel so crazy! We’ve broken up several times due to his lies, cheating and alcohol. I stayed because he began to accept and acknowledge he had a problem and wanted my support. A yr into our relationship, he entered a 30 day rehab program. He was a different man when he came home, that clarity everyone speaks of, was in his eyes and touch. But it only lasted for 4 wks, he didn’t stick with the program. Once he returned to work, the lying, cheating and drinking started immediately. I lost myself in him, allowed myself to become co-dependent, insecure and paranoid like NEVER before. I was consumed with checking his phone & email. Whenever he went to the bathroom I was watching to see if he took his phone. I became so obsessed with making him be accountable that I exposed his lies to his family and friends. They once called me an angel for staying and supporting him, but this time I was crazy! I had so much proof but no body wanted to see it. He even tired to manipulate me by saying “You probably planted that stuff”. OMG I wanted to smack him silly. He got so angry that I exposed him, he filed a harassment complaint against me, but within weeks wanted me back. Texting & emailing, telling me how lonely he is, no other woman has ever understood him the way I do, that he can’t imagine his life without out me. I honestly can’t believe I took him back after all the b.s. or that he even came back. I think I’m a challenge to him, I know things about him he’s never told anyone (this I know for sure), we DO have a lot in common and our childhood is ridiculously similar. 2 wks ago, I caught him in more lies and the pattern of stalking & pursuing women. When I confronted him, he began screaming that I was so insecure, paranoid and ruining a great future. I lost control, smacked him in the head 3 times, really hard. Then I sent an email to his work, cc’d his boss exposed his lies (that were work related) and issues with alcohol. Of course everyone thinks I’m crazy, rightfully so, but I didn’t care. It was my way of sabotaging to push him as far out of my life as possible because I was obv not strong enough to just walk away. Within days, he found a new source of supply (which I tried to warn, stupid me) and once again filed a harassment complaint. My friends and therapist think he’ll STILL try to come back at some point. I can’t believe he would, after what I just did and all the people that know my crazy actions. I’m healing now, quicker than I thought. It’s only been 2 wks, but every day gets easier. I’m doing alot of reading and forgiving myself for how I reacted. I realize that the new woman has no clue what she’s in for. Right now, she’s riding the wave of his charm, good looks, great sex, and easy-going personality. Wait till the faraway look in his eyes arrives, the morning texts stop, the evening calls of his drunk voice, inconsistent stories and his staggering drunk ass embarrasses her in public or worse, he gets into a car accident. If she sticks around, past 3-6 mos, it’s evidence she’s an emotionally unhealthy woman just as I was. I actually feel bad for her cause no one warned me and I feel bad for him because he’ll never experience the soulful connection he dreams about, writes about and craves. He’s always searching for a higher high…like a typical addict.
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2017 at 10:31 pmHi Debby,
Yes, there’s really no way to judge the other woman because he manipulates her just as he manipulated you. Everyone has to learn on their own. The good news is that YOU’RE FREE. Don’t think about whether or not he’ll return at some point. You have to continue your life as if he’s not ever coming back. The more time that passes the better. Block him from being able to call and don’t answer the door – that’s really all we can do. Hopefully, this new girl will keep him busy enough that he won’t have time to be bothering you. Enjoy the silence and the peace and stay strong…
Zari xo
Leza Lewis
November 25, 2016 at 11:07 amI have been married to a narcissist since I was 16, I’m ashamed to say im now 46. He has lied ,cheated, caused me to lose a job after 10yrs,had me put in jail so he could leave me, he then went to live with friends or his brother, leaving me homeless, telling them I was the reason and he wasn’t getting me out. One time he had my brother come get him out of jail ,told my bro he would get me out that day. No he left me there for 2weeks, Everytime I catch him he makes a scene so people will run to help him out knowing I will not act up with my family around. He disappears when I go to jail, i have no idea where or with who. I have had a couple call from females who say a few words then hang up.He use to try and make me happy, now all he does is make me want to smother him with a pillow. Right now he is giving me the silent treatment, I have been having this done for about 7 yrs daily. He says he has nothing to say to me. Huh!!!! I have been in the worst situations because of his crap,situations that most people couldn’t handle. He can’t keep a job for more than 5 months , lives in a motel because he won’t pay our bills. I will not go back to work because what he did last time.i could go on and on.i should write a book about my life I could call it,” Oh GOD am I really losing my mind.”idk! He wants me to believe that. When he’s called out it just makes it worse, it’s amazing how quick he can cover the lie with another without stumbling over his story. I am not even sure of he actually ever cared about me. On our 25th wedding anniversary he bought a used silver friends spoon and it had the wrong year on it. He couldn’t figure out why I was upset. I bought him a Dallas cowboys silver lighter and had the back engraved stating how I loved him. He didn’t show up til like 9 that night and he got off at 430.. This lost go on and on and it will continue as long as I let it. People if ur with this person get out of it now. It is going to ruin ur life. GOD please leave me my sanity in the end. Thanks for reading this.
Ivy
March 26, 2016 at 8:07 amIt’s been a little over 7 months since the break-up and when I found out about his other “girlfriend.” I was with him for 3 years, and she was with him for 1.5. I dumped him on the spot, and later when I got home, I called her up. Of course he was with her at the time – humiliated me (or tried to at least) – and pretended that I was a psycho ex still after him LOL.
That was August. He’s been “hoovering” since November, and he finally got a response from me in March. I regret being so cordial and letting him know, politely, that my life has been simply wonderful since then and I’d like to keep it that way. Which is the truth. I ended up contacting the other girl, and apparently he’s been doing the same with her too! Around the same time and saying the same things to her too.
The problem though now is that I know he’s a sociopath, but sometimes my mind doubts it, and I wonder if he really is, or just someone whose dumb and had two girlfriends at one time, and thought he could get away with it. We were 21 when we met, and now we’re both 25. But then, I think about all the little things — the manipulation, lies, and how he acted when I found out — and really there was no remorse on his part on what he was doing. I find myself still angry at the situation, and how he could do this, and really WHY? I seldom find myself missing him, it’s more of the companionship (and physical aspects) that I miss – not him as a person.
I’ve been moving on and I know I’m doing much better than I was 7 months ago – but it’s really hard. I am also so scared to meet/trust new people. I wonder what my chances are to meet someone like him again. I’ve been training my mind to think of other things, or think of things differently when I begin indulging in thoughts about him. But, the anger has not subsided.
I also catch myself wondering when he’ll contact me again. I don’t think he will – but he might. Ultimately, I’m sooooo much happier when I don’t hear from him. Once I do, it ruins my mojo.
CW
March 5, 2016 at 5:02 amLol I guess Natalie was inadvertently trying to tell me she is an N/S when she mentioned something about compartmentalizing everything in her head and putting things in folders .but it’s not lol funny lol . Nope. This is a very serious non laughable situation , not to mention traumatic and shocking to finally conclude that truth is your “best friend” is not a friend at all. He/She is a total sociopath.
No one ever says “I want to be a sociopath when I grow up”
Sasha
March 4, 2016 at 8:17 amMy bf Discarded me at last,, wish I knew about this earlier ..my friends say I am a stupid girl for sticking with him for so long even though I knew his history ..a cheater is always a cheater. He cheated his previous gf with me n after five years he cheated me .. I hate myself for becoming other women even though I left him wen l came to know. But he left her again and came back to me.. I was so much in love ..He created a online matrimonial profile while we were dating ..wen I came to know about it .. He said his family did it for him .. n he is really not intrested. .n I believed him stupid me.. He is a master manipulator n lier .. God I feel soo cheated .. ladies pls listen to your gut feeling .. leave them before they discard you .. don’t wait around for him to change ,they will never change.. I am angry and bitter right now .want to kill him.. but I have faith in God .. n ladies don’t you ever think he is missing you and he is thinking about you .. He is having fun with his new wife or gf , as they never fell in love the first place .. they are least bothered about us and won’t care what we are going through. . But they will make sure we are suffering and can be very rude. So please no contact .. the last time I spoke to this narc he was sorry for one second n rude the other . He blames me ..it was like speaking to idiot who doesn’t understand any emotions. . He is a vary successful businessmen. .guess lying made him dat.. I am greatful to people like zari for good solid information n support she is giving .. an angle she is ..
Sasha
March 4, 2016 at 8:16 amDiscarded at last,, wish I knew about this earlier ..my friends say I am a stupid girl for sticking with him for so long even though I knew his history ..a cheater is always a cheater. He cheated his previous gf with me n after five years he cheated me .. I hate myself for becoming other women even though I left him wen l came to know. But he left her again and came back to me.. I was so much in love ..He created a online matrimonial profile while we were dating ..wen I came to know about it .. He said his family did it for him .. n he is really not intrested. .n I believed him stupid me.. He is a master manipulator n lier .. God I feel soo cheated .. ladies pls listen to your gut feeling .. leave them before they discard you .. don’t wait around for him to change ,they will never change.. I am angry and bitter right now .want to kill him.. but I have faith in God .. n ladies don’t you ever think he is missing you and he is thinking about you .. He is having fun with his new wife or gf , as they never fell in love the first place .. they are least bothered about us and won’t care what we are going through. . But they will make sure we are suffering and can be very rude. So please no contact .. the last time I spoke to this narc he was sorry for one second n rude the other . He blames me ..it was like speaking to idiot who doesn’t understand any emotions. . He is a vary successful businessmen. .guess lying made him dat.. I am greatful to people like zari for good solid information n support she is giving .. an angle she is ..
Carrie Spring Ward
February 16, 2016 at 1:54 amOh how I so wish that I hadn’t fallen for and gave in to a personality type such as this. I’m thankful for these websites though because when an explanation is necessary due to someone being so off and your gut is practically yelling at you but you can’t quite make out the words, or all the feelings and emotions that they put you through , I find comfort now sooner rather than too much later and I’m making peace with the truth that there never will be any real closure because any and everything built in a friendship (if you can call it one) turns out to be huge gosh damn lie.
Fuck that bs. I’m moving on before I get stuck in quicksand or something worse.
Zari Ballard
February 16, 2016 at 7:16 amHi Carrie,
Thank you for writing and how right you are! Move along, girl, as far as you can away from the quicksand. The farther you run, the more distant the memory.
Zari xo
CW
March 5, 2016 at 5:09 amSo true. But I made a mistake in trying to get others to run too by exposing a truth which of course she denied. I tries sending an email to another innocent victim because if I were her I’d want a heads up on this sociopaths background. But who got and intercepted that e mail from getting to the new victim ? That’s right you guessed it. They seem to be able to sense every next move that’s coming because they are like witches. So yeah in retrospect the best plan is just walk away and start running as soon as you get out the door.