To reiterate from Part 1 and Part 2 of this article series, the noise created by the narcissist is nothing more than a distraction meant to divert your attention from whatever his plans are immediately following the moment he goes silent. It’s a play of smoke and mirrors he feels is necessary probably because he knows that, deep down, you’re on to him. Again, it’s all part of the strategy in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda that I discuss in detail in When Love Is a Lie…..and the narcissist follows it to a tee.
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Like a prisoner in solitary confinement, we go nuts in the silence…pining for his contact, for his touch…that evil touch that wants nothing more than to hurt us. The narcissist, in his silence, says – in unspoken words, of course – that we are about as important as the shit on his shoe. He discards us as if we were nothing but a huge annoyance that he’s finally rid of….a piece of garbage….a nothing…and absolute nothing. So, what do we do? How do we – and what can we – do to fix our emotions and move forward? The solution is simple: learn to appreciate and take full advantage of the silence. Once you do that, the rest takes care of itself. I can promise you that.
In my book, I discuss at length a series of mental shifts that began to occur out of nowhere as soon as I got a grip on the big picture and started relinquishing my grip on the narcissistic nonsense. I began to appreciate the silence even while suffering through the separation anxiety. Without the phone ringing (and me waiting to jump on it lest I – God forbid – miss his call)….without feeling homebound in the nervous anticipation that he might stop by and I wouldn’t be there…without feeling that my life, from moment to moment, depended solely upon the Puppeteer’s next narcissistic tactic…without all of that, I could finally breath.
I realized the fact that if he considered himself disconnected from me, then anything that I wanted to do from that moment forward (or at least until he came back – which I knew he would) was none of his fucking business. I was – albeit temporarily – free to do whatever I pleased. And, at that point, anything that I did would serve to be a beautiful distraction from the pain and that’s exactly what I needed and what you need right now if you’re feeling that awful why-is-he-ignoring-me-I-love-him-so-much feeling.
Right now, if you’re still with this person and you know or think that he’ll be back (like he always does), then take this wonderful time he gives you in between to do whatever you want. You damn well know from experience that he’s going to keep doing what (or who) he’s doing right now until he’s good and ready to do otherwise (no matter what you do to try and stop it) so enjoy the time off! And if you feel that, this time, it really might be over or that you don’t want to want him back anyway, then this is your time and your time only going forward so take total action and wallow in the silence appreciation! The end result could potentially be the strength to pass on the need for closure (which we’ll never get anyway) and to go no-contact once and for all and, honestly, isn’t that what we really want?
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Dale
November 7, 2016 at 6:59 pmYou don’t know what you are talking about. Go fuck yourself….
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2016 at 2:07 pmAgain, Dale, all I did was ask questions such as why the police would take your wife to a shelter for abused women if they didn’t believe that you hit her and why the shelter would ensure she had a place to stay for a month if they didn’t believe she was a victim. Did you really expect me to just take your story at face value? All you had to do was explain. Instead, you choose to get angry and defensive.
Dale Alexander
October 11, 2016 at 3:01 amMy wife of 30 years ran off again. Each time this happens the away time gets longer, the last time was 3 months. This time she ran off and called the police and lied about being assalted. The police didn’t believe her but put her in a shelter anyway. I have made up my mind to file charges for making a false police report. They don’t want to charge her because she is mentally ill. What about my rights? I still think that she will still want to return to me. My love is fading away. I hope her evil karma pays her a visit.
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2016 at 12:21 pmHi Dale,
Please elaborate on why you (or the police) think she’s “mentally ill”. Narcissism is not a mental illness, it is a personality disorder which is very, very different. People who have mental illnesses would give anything NOT to be ill and, moreover, there are medications and therapies that can mange the issues and symptoms. In other words, there is hope. A narcissist thinks he/she is fine just the way that they are …they are UN-FIXABLE. They have no conscience whatsoever and, even though they know right from wrong, they don’t give a shit.
So, I believe you should go for the charge. Why would the police believe she is “mentally ill”? I am curious about that…what are her behaviors?
Zari:)
Dale Alexander
November 1, 2016 at 2:00 amI showed the police evadince (statements she wrote herself) of her inflicting selfharm to herself on five different occasions. The police have transported her to the mental hospital 3 times. I have been seeing her on the weekends. We have even had sex a few times. Last weekend she stayed all night with me.She tells me that she loves me and enjoys our new found friendship. Narcissist don’t hit and beat themselves do they ? Bipolars do engage in selfharming behavior.
Dale Alexander
November 1, 2016 at 2:07 amMy wife of 30 years was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. Her doctor also thought that she has a personality disorder because lying is one of her biggest habits. So when she ran off again and lied to the police and said I hit her, they saw though her lie and are going to charge her with making a false police report. She has done this before and I don’t press charges against her. She is living in a shelter for now and her exit date is in a few weeks. Last week end I picked her up and she spent the night with me and said she wanted to get back together. The next day, I drove her back to the domestic violence shelter so she could get her belongings. She never came back out of the shelter. I left after waiting for an hour. The next day she she texted me two times, saying that I must hate her and want her dead. She also gave me her phone number and sent me a facebook friend request after unfriending me and blocking me. What does all of this mean ? Seems like she has lost her mind. Please help me to understand. Dale
Zari Ballard
November 7, 2016 at 4:22 pmHi Dale,
I’m not sure I understand your story and I’m doubting that your wife’s behavior has anything to with narcissism. There’s too many pieces missing. I used to volunteer in a shelter for DV and the women weren’t allowed to just check out for the night with the “abuser”, know what I mean? That seems odd to me. I’m not saying you’re the abuser but what does the shelter think she is there for? I’m guessing she sneaked out to see you and when she went back in to get her stuff they told her if she leaves again, she’ll lose her spot for good so she stayed. Either that or she wanted to go back and lied to you so that you’d take her there. If the police didn’t believe her story, why would they bring her there? They wouldn’t. Cops don’t do that just for the hell of it because they know it takes up a bed for someone else who might really need it. Moreover, the cops have to explain to the people at the shelter why they are bringing this person in so what did they say? And I can’t imagine the shelter giving her a lengthy stay, let alone one night, if they didn’t believe she was a victim. AND if she indeed has a severe mental illness, at the very least they would have sent her to a mental health hospital and there’s no way she’d be allowed to just leave for the night. It doesn’t work that way.
Female narcissists have been known to self-inflict to get their partner’s attention (if he is threatening to leave or packing his stuff) and, sure, they block and unblock the FB, but I’m not seeing this in your story. Are you legally separated? Are you living in a home that you own together?? If she’s on FB, then how are friends and family reacting to all this and why haven’t you mentioned that? Are you looking for a label for this person that somehow wouldn’t make you accountable as her husband? You speak of your wife of thirty years as if she’s a crazy one-night-stand and I’m not buying it. Please write again to elaborate and I will better be able to answer your questions. Something just seems “off” to me and if you don’t write again, then I’ll assume that I was right.
Zari
Dale
November 7, 2016 at 7:02 pmZairYou are a fake, with a god complex.
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2016 at 2:01 pmOh I don’t think so, Dale. All I did was ask you perfectly legitimate questions about your situation so that I could better understand it. Your story wasn’t logical and I was giving you a chance to fill in the blanks. I stated very clearly that I wasn’t saying you were the abuser. Obviously, by your reaction, I can only assume I was onto something. If that meets your definition of a God Complex, then so be it. For the record, I certainly don’t feel any better about it because the bottom line is that your wife may still be suffering. My hope is that, no matter what the story is, she is getting the support she needs in the shelter.
Zari
Marie
March 21, 2016 at 7:36 amI feel so sick reading this . This is exactly the relationship I have been in for nine months . My friends all warned me but I just thought he was over emotional , taking time to trust etc . I was constantly making excuses for him and everytime he came back after the silent treatment he admitted he was doing it purposely . I feel sick to my stomach that I can relate to all this but I think it’s the reality I needed to face . I was a strong person before I met him and I know I can be again .
Justine Clark
November 2, 2015 at 8:30 amHi Zari
I feel as though I am drowning. Your book has really helped me. My husband has disappeared again. I have managed NC for 6 days and he then reverted and it was worse. I really need to find out about your blog and other mechanisms to help me cope. I feel worthless and he is getting off on this. I am back on the wagon day two of NC. I am worried for my children my finances and worse myself. I am a mess and feel suicidal. My attention seeking from him is out of control. I need to get a job but my emotional state is so bad I am unemployable at the moment. I do not know what to do for the best. I am not on anything and I refuse to stoop that low and for him to win. I would really appreciate some advice from you. He is not in the house at the moment I have asked him to leave. I now regret this as I don’t know where he is or what he is doing????? He earns a good salary so he can afford to vanish. I am in a shitty part time job because I need to be there for my kids when they come home from school. As the days go by I feel worse. Please tell me this will get better.
Zari Ballard
November 11, 2015 at 8:31 pmHi Justine,
What a narcissistic bastard! I hate, hate, hate disappearing husbands. Look, as long as you have unnecessary contact with him, NOTHING is going to get better. I know that you have children but the truth is that he’s NO father if he’s disappearing AT ALL and you don’t have to treat him as such. GET THEE TO A LAWYER AND GET PAPERS FOR SUPPORT DRAWN UP. I am so sick of hearing how these assholes are getting away with not having to care for the family that they’re blowing off.
Don’t even think about suicide over this douchebag, girl. You have children and they need you. Get up, dust yourself off, and think about what to do. He needs to be held accountable whether he likes it or not. If you would like to speak, do remember that I offer phone consultations at affordable rates and would be happy to brainstorm it with you. Speaking one-on-one with someone who GETS IT can have an amazing impact on the soul, girl, so think about.
Until then, stay strong and know that you are not alone in the fight! I’m here to support you…
Zari xo
chavj
November 2, 2015 at 2:21 amPlease help me understand my situation. I really loved my N and now started 3rd year of relationship. In two years he broke up with me after every five days in insecurity issues and was overly possesove that I couldn’t talk to any guy friends. I did alot for him like spending money aborting his baby thrice and still he will break up no matter what the situation is. Now we spent a good date and did everything. In morning all of sudden he checked my watsapp and got offended by my friendly chats and checks my Facebook. He deleted most of fb guy friends and my pics with friends where I wore a dress he never leallowrd. He physically abused me alot even with belt took out money from mt purse and pushed me out of his house 10 days before . I was physical hurt and cried alot but he pushed me out. Since then he is putting romantic watsapp status (which he did in all break up) and now he has started putting pictures with his team and girls on watsapp and Facebook . I had a heart attack seeing thode happy pictures with he holding girls in each hand from his team. I better die. Please I beg you to make me understand why is he doing that? I should have gone to his place by now in anger but I haven’t. Pleasr HELP
Zari Ballard
November 4, 2015 at 12:48 amHi Chavj,
I can feel your pain in your words and I’m sorry for it. Undoubtably, you are in a horrendous situation and the fact that you have distance between you right now IS A GOOD THING. The reason that, at the time you wrote to me, you hadn’t run to his home in anger IS A GOOD THING. Let this bastard go. It’s not worth it to make yourself nuts over the “why” of it. He’s a douchbag narcissist who is only happy when he’s making you suffer. Here on this blog, you’re in great company – we’ve all had at least one of the same. He is what he is and he’ll never change. Ever. All you can do is stay away. You WILL survive.
Whatever you do, girl, no more pregnancies. You say that you aborted his babies thrice for him which says to me that you allowed yourself to get pregnant thrice for him as well. NO MORE. Neither pregnancy nor abortion should ever be used as a tool for trying to make anyone care about you. I understand the desperation that you feel and so many times we are willing to do ANYTHING on the chance that they’ll snap out of their meanness. But it never works and it never will. He doesn’t understand the meaning of respect and we begin to lose our understanding of it as well relevant to LIFE in general.
Stay away from this animal. Go live your life and refuse to ever acknowledge him. Who cares about those pictures??? A picture on social media is nothing but a snapshot of a split second in time – just a measley split second! It is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, sister. Stop looking at his FB and it won’t hurt you. Refuse to be his punching bag anymore – only YOU can make this happen.
No more tears over this beast. With only three years in, you have dodged a bullet. It’s just a twinkle in time compared to the decades suffered through by so many. The pain, I know, is the same but the recovery time will be quicker and more powerful if you set your mind to blowing this bullshit behind you. Do it.
Stay strong and always know that I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Chantelle
September 21, 2015 at 5:18 pmZari, I need advice asap! So I have been dealing with my N for 3 years. I’m done. I started calling him out on triangulating his ex wife, mother and a few friends against me. It was so screwed up it got to the point if I dare call him out or argue he would warn me his ex won’t let me see their daughter and it was hell not only living up to his bullshit but also his ex and his mother’s standards if u will! Anyway I stopped giving him money as he also has a cocaine addiction. He flew off the handle and of course smeared the hell out of my character. Bad enough that j
His ex did say I was not allowed around a child I spent 3 years building a loving trust filled friendship with
This convinently was 3 weeks before my birthday the third one he managed to avoid acknowledging. Now he went silent treatment which is honestly awesome and I’m finally done!
But my car was registered and insured in his name, his idea to make it cheaper! I felt backed onto a corner and forced to threaten him where i know he would be screwed but in 3 yrs of his crazy shit , I learned to keep picture proof of everything. I have threatened to show my picts of the bruises from his few violent freak outs and the pics of his drug abuse to his ex wife and childrens services if he does not sign the bill of sale to me.
My problem is, his ex wife mistakenly believes I’m horrible evil crazy and I don’t actually want to hurt the child as he does not use when he bas her and is good to her. Yet he is a violent manipulative man who uses and abuses everyone in contact with him. He was diagnosed with intermittent exosive disorder after court ordered a psych accesment on him for abusing his ex wife! Of course no one told me till I was in too deep!
Trust me he is in control and this was a terribly false diagnosis.
But I do have every bank transfer to him with memos for the car , insurance etc. I don’t have the extra money to pay both insurance money on filing a civil suit but he is ignoring me. Plus I desperately need the vehicle for work etc. How can I convince him to sign it without looking bat shit crazy like he is making me seem?
I am stuck and I need advice please!!!
Zari Ballard
September 25, 2015 at 12:36 amHi Chantelle,
I remember your story and I’m sorry that you’re still dealing with this shit. First of all, forget about the child. She’s not yours and even though you’ve created a bond, it’s time to break it. Once you’ve decided to let it go (the child), you don’t have to worry about the ex-wife at all or about his threats to not let you see her. As for the car, I assume that it’s still in your possession? Just keep driving it and plan on going to court over it. I’m not sure how that works but, yes, it is a problem that it’s in his name and you would have to prove it in court. Threatening him and/or especially the welfare of the child is really not a good idea because it WILL make you look like a complete troublemaker. Do not be so sure that this wife thinks you are a monster – she KNOWS what he is all about. The triangulation, for the most part, is always an illusion. He can lie all he wants but the truth speaks for himself. In my book, to threaten to call child services is always crossing the line no matter which side does it because of the potential consequences of that action.
So, is he with his ex-wife now? Does he WANT the car? Does he WANT the relationship or is he still going back and forth? You can try to get him to sign the car over but, depending upon where you live, that would mean you both having to go to DMV together to make the exchange. Is it even possible for him to be civil like that? Are you making the loan payments…was/is the LOAN in your name? If it is/was, that will obviously work to your advantage.
Let me know your thoughts on this please…..:)
Zari xo
Cat
June 29, 2015 at 5:57 pmThis is really awesome. I am pretty well versed on narcissism and have read so much about it. However, I was duped again by letting an ex-N resume contact with me after he wanted to talk about what happened in our relationship. Because he seemed genuine and vulnerable, altough I still felt he didn’t get what he did to me, I figured maybe he wasn’t a narcissist after all and just had some traits.
Then, after nearly a year of receiving his phone calls and exchanging emails and me thinking, “Well, maybe we can be friends in the end and do creative things together, ” the discard phase started. And I knew exactly the point in time it did. It was when I had a creative/professional opportunity with an old friend I could have dated instead of him. This old friend is now married and nothing would ever happen, but I got a wind of his jealousy when I told him I was going to Kentucky to work on an event with this person.
That’s when the slow discard and emotional distancing started or the coldness, rather. Not as many phone calls and then one day, I realize it’s been almost 20 days since he last emailed me and I have been dealing with deep depression for a year (maybe partly because he was back in my life, I used to always go downhill further than usual when he would come back into my life in terms of my mental health.) He had nothing supportive to say. Not only that, he had nothing to say.
I sent him a couple of low-key emails that gave him space and distanced myself. I ended it on a positive note. Again, no response. I think I spent my weekend in separation anxiety, writing and re-writing a long email about how I felt that everything is always on his terms and would he please just let me know if he intends to even talk to me again, or what’s going on.
Then I talked to my mother who knows the whole history and she said exactly what I had been telling myself as my wiser self – that this is what he wants. He wants you to wonder what’s going on and to pursue him. He want’s you off-balance and you are probably right. He thought he had you all to himself and when you went and worked with Doug, he didn’t like it and go jealous. He didn’t want to make it obvious (more the covert-abuse style), so he gradually has discarded you to put you off balance. She said if this is upsetting you and you haven’t even seen him in person for a year, then how are you going to even work/collaborate with him in the future? Just don’t have any contact with him. Don’t read any emails from him and don’t return any calls. How he is acting is not even how a friend acts.
So, I did not send that email, thank god. My gut had told me to not even send the two short ones I did that reeked of low self-esteem on some level, but at the same time, I know he expected me to follow up and ask for a response somehow and I have not. Sure enough, there’s been no answer to those and that was four days ago. I know he’s been on gmail, too (via chat). So, I have set up a filter to delete his emails and I took him off my contacts list.
I have forgiven myself for allowing him back in and am feeling just slightly smug because I know damn well he is expecting me to flip out somehow and try and get his attention in some way or another and I’m just not.
Anyway, I love this essay of yours. I really do. I think so many people find the separation to be a painful thing and it’s all about looking at things differently now. Enjoy it! I am so relieved this person is out of my life before I move back to the same state where he lives. I am going to enjoy not having this hanging over my psyche anymore and causing me to worry. I am grateful I was devalued and discarded. This says nothing about me, as my mother reminded me. She said, “You didn’t DO anything wrong. You’ve always been the same. It’s been hm.”
So, if there was anything I am pressed to think I might have done, then I am grateful for myself! If it was that I was depressed too much and if finally bored him or brought him down, then I’m grateful to my depression!
I know he’s been very busy but then not to respond to these two emails I sent just sealed it for me that I knew this was happening again. Either way, I win. The narcissist is gone. The real challenge is not really to sit around and heal wounds or “get over” him but to get over ourselves, forgive ourselves and enjoy a narc free space. The real challenge is not let it happen again.