Part 1 of this series on the narcissistic silent treatment explained how the narcissist or sociopath intentionally creates chaos so that we either become immune to it or co-dependent upon it. We may not even pay much attention to it until the turmoil crosses a line or forces our hand (or both) but the fact is that the constant chaos is a narcissist’s very deliberate strategy to keep us off-balance so that the he can have his play time sight unseen.
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A narcissist typically initiates a silent treatment in a manner that catches us off-guard and this is deliberate. Think about how crucial those first few days must be for the N in his plan to ignore you. It is within these first days, while you’re home-bound, confused, and waiting for a call, that he quickly sets up shop with his new source of supply for this round. The last thing he needs is you running interference so he has ensured that you don’t by making you inconsolable. After a few days have passed and he’s fairly secure in his new digs, he’ll be much better prepared to deal with the fallout from the situation with you. Don’t forget, the N knows you and how you will react to his actions better than you do!
No matter how it happens, a silent treatment feels just plain awful. I would literally feel erased….as if I never meant a single thing to the asshole ever (which, of course, I surely didn’t). Sometimes a silent treatment would last up to six weeks and longer and I’d feel absolutely consumed with getting him to break it. This was, as I now know, a futile reaction that did nothing but waste precious time in my life during that long 12-year ordeal. Although I surely felt that it was, nothing that I ever did during those silences was the deciding factor as to when he reappeared. And this is true for your situation as well. Nothing you do will matter. A narcissist does as he pleases and, if and when he returns, it will be when he’s ready and not before.
What we need to learn to do is appreciate this awful silence and use the time to do some positive work on our own battered psyche. At the very least, the N will return as he always does, right? So, why stress over it? At the very worst (or best!), he won’t return. So, work on making yourself the much better person in the meantime.
Like everything else in life, allowing yourself to wallow happily in silence appreciation after a discard from a narcissist begins with baby steps. Like most of us, when the silence begins, you:
- probably haven’t the slightest idea why you are being ignored
- feel extreme anxiety not knowing how long this one will last
- will feel compelled to love-bomb him out of the silence even though he certainly doesn’t deserve anything even close to “love”
- will feel compelled to apologize for the sole purpose of apologizing even though you know damn well you did nothing to deserve anything of this nature
- are feeling completely out of place in your own environment without the usual daily bombardment of texts, phone calls, voice and emails
- can’t stand having to be alone with your own horrible thoughts: What is he doing? Who is he with? How can he just blow you off like this….as if you meant nothing???
Just like a prisoner in solitary confinement who goes crazy after months of complete silence and no human contact, so can we go crazy in our own minds and hearts when the narcissist bastard that we love says – in unspoken words – that we are about as important as the shit on his shoe. Again, the narcissist’s tactic of creating noise and chaos right before he vanishes is intended to distract you…..to divert your attention away from the fact that he’s quickly trying to hunker down somewhere else. You’ll find this tactic on page 63 in the strategy guide for the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda (not really, but it sure sounds true, doesn’t it?).
So, how can we fix ourselves and begin to move forward? By learning to appreciate the silence. Once you do this, the rest takes care of itself, I promise. In When Love Is a Lie, I talk about the series of mental shifts that began to occur for me out of nowhere once I got a grip on the big picture and started letting go. I started to relish the silence. In Part 3 of this article series, I discuss these shifts and how they began to happen naturally when I took the time to fix me instead of worrying about him….easier said than done but entirely possible!
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keith reeves
March 8, 2021 at 6:24 ammy narcissist is my x wife we were married in 1993 i was 21 her 20 she was a one then i just didnt know .we were divorced by 1994 we both had a very special love for each other i though about her often didnt see her for 26 years and out of the blue she called and i knew i couldnt resist her she wanted to get a beer .she was married and said she was separated it took her a month to talk me into going out because i knew we were like fire and gasoline . we went out and it was on she love bomb me for 3 or 4 month and i got sick with arids and was expect to make it thru the nite she was there the first and left and never came back .I was crushed couldn’t believe she didnt care if i died . she said she went back to her husband .after i got out 28 days later she came back .i looked up naricissist .it was her word for word it blew my mind that the girl that is so special and loved her more than anything could do this ..the rest goes like your stories . dont want to talk about it any more
keith reeves
March 8, 2021 at 6:31 amsorry for the miss spelled words !!! its hard to talk about it because she was that one special person that everyone has in there head and she told that also with my heart and destoryed me .she knew my wife had just passed and raising a daughter on my own…
Daisy
October 29, 2020 at 11:55 pmHi, I lost my first N on Sept 1 2019 to a heart attack. It went on for 11 years between 2008-2019 despite my many attempts to get away from him when I had evidence of his cheating and numerous other women. They all came out of the woodwork when he died, and wrote comments on his online obituary, it was very upsetting for me and just confirmed him to be the liar I always suspected him of being. From when my 15 year old daughter went through his phone (she is now 22) to his death day I seemed to be the only one who remained the same, he just chopped and changed his multiple relationships. To this day they are still writing comments a over a year after he died. He was 51 and I have only just found out how he died as his death was shrouded in secrecy by his mother mainly and now I just see it as more of his drama beyond the grave. Unfortunately 6 months later I was lonely and did not allow myself enough time to heal and got straight back into another very similar relationship with another Narcissistic man. I just didn’t realise what was really happening when I was subjected to a ‘silent treatment’ very early on and his disappearances and reappearances. He is also a hoarder and an unpredictable drunk who has two children to a previous relationship and his ex has a protection order against him and assault charges pending. His children aged 11 and 14 were removed from his shared care and he only has supervised access to them now. I feel that he has used me for whatever he could get out of me including rushing me into the relationship and has pressured me into sexual things alot. He usually just talked non stop about his ex and kid problems when I saw him too, always about him. For the last four weeks he has disappeared after something I said which he didn’t like, I presume as he stormed off when I questioned him about dissapearing for 2-3 weeks at a time. I also noticed another women ringing him at night when I was there and long hairs in his house and car that weren’t mine and that he continued to be actively on the dating website I met him from. All these things I questioned him about and he didn’t have a straight answer for any of it. So now I don’t know if he’s gone for good or not as he’s given me silent treatments before but usually not as long as this. Don’t know how I got here so quickly again after so many years of it with that other person its been hard to come to terms with and a pretty shit 6 months with him to say the least.
Doreen
April 23, 2018 at 6:40 pmI found your n website and I am so happy I did. I am on my 15 day of silence appreciation. You really have given me a new perspective on this whole ridiculous BS I have been allowing to happen. For the 3rd time I have left him and now this time I feel different on how I am dealing with this situation. I still have my sad days but I try to come here and get some perspective. Thank you for everything you impart on us. I ordered your book “When Love is a Lie” Should be here by Thursday and I cant wait to read it. Feeling a little bit more at peace each day.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2018 at 9:37 pmHi Doreen,
I hope you enjoy the book:) I know it will give you plenty of validation…let me know what you think and/or leave a review on Amazon. I’d love to hear your thoughts….
Zari xo
Anon
June 28, 2017 at 10:10 pmSilence can be a welcome relief from the other forms of me me me type conversation.
Zari Ballard
July 2, 2017 at 3:53 pmExactly! Silence Appreciation! It’s all about the perspective….
Peyton
March 25, 2017 at 2:19 pmIm sorry for all that are hurting here. I wish I could help all of you that hurt so much. The only thing I can share is to watch your thoughts about them. Keep them out of your head! Stop trying to figure them out because you will drive yourself crazy trying to.
Don’t let them drain you of your self esteem, and belief in yourself. We are all strong and we will survive! Most important for me was learning to keep him out of my thoughts. You are still giving them power over you by letting them stay in your head. It will consume you. I could just see him gloating over knowing I thought about him all the time. Eject thoughts that come to mind and know that there is a Creator out there that will deal with him and his deeds.
You are free…..
GayeLynn
May 2, 2017 at 3:26 pmI need help with HER~
Scenerio~I own a residential cleaning business and my only employee is my sister, the narcissist.
This is not a new thing as she has been pulling it for the 15 years I have employed her.
I just thought she was a sad and miserable c*^t, which she IS but it wasn’t until I dated a sociopath, that I realized and named what it is she is doing.
Again, this is not a new form of torture she is making me deal with but it is lasting much longer.
Maybe because I know what she’s doing and I don’t try to break the deafening silence anymore with words. (?)
(I just turn the radio up as loud as it can go.)
My question is~
Do I even TRY to break the silence anymore?
Better question yet I hope someone can answer is~
When she breaks the silence, which she usually does on the last day of work with 4 or 5 minutes left, do I even ALLOW her to?
This is just the hardest thing for me to deal with as I live alone and my only conversationalist I have is my poor 18-year-old kitty and he’s getting tired of me.
I am and always have been a very chatty person so to have no one to talk to at home and then to have no one to talk to in OTHER people’s homes, 🙂 is making my usually happy demeanor, quite sour and possibly depressed.
What makes all of this even HARDER is that she is my SISTER!!!
I know this article/blog entry is old but I see that someone actually commented in 2017 and I hope and pray that someone comments again.
I really need some advice!!
(And I thought the silent treatments from my sociopath boyfriends of 5.5 years were hard….)
🙁
Zari Ballard
May 7, 2017 at 9:01 amHi GayeLynn,
Well, it certainly sucks that your sister has to behave this way! My thinking is that she should be grateful that you are employing her and thinking twice before treating you with such disrespect. However, as we know, narcissists don’t care about things like that. They DO know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit! Sad but true.
Look, since you have no idea, I assume, WHY she is giving you the silent treatment, you might want to come right out and ask her. Why let her get away with it? Everything they do is about what they can get away with and they will play this game until the end of time if we allow it. What we allow will continue. Why don’t you break the silence by asking her if she would like to find another job since it appears that she is so unhappy at the one she’s got! After all, you ARE the boss and I’m sure that there is someone out there who would be happy to clean houses with you and talk all day long. Truth be told, sister, you DON’T have to tolerate it at all. Over the years, she has pretty much trained you to allow it and to suffer through it and it really is ridiculous. Two women – never mind two sisters – cleaning houses together should be chatting all day long having a grand old time as they work if they can. Even if she needs the job and you would feel guilty letting her go, it should be brought up. Hell…if you’re going to be subjected to silent treatments at work every day all day, you might as well – at least temporarily – work alone!!!
That’s my take on it. Enough is enough. Narcissists are so rude and mean and female narcs are the worst. Stand up for yourself as both her employer and her sister. If she gets an attitude, tell her she can go home for the day to think about whether she really needs/wants to be working with you side by side since she apparently doesn’t like your company and her “silence” is making you more and more uncomfortable. Tell her you will write her a reference if she needs it and say it with a smile. Tell her it’s your business and 15 years of this silence and misery from your own sister is about enough. Watch how fast the silence ends! If she stomps out, don’t fret about it. Simply put up an ad or two for a helper and you’ll be all set in no time. In the meantime, hustle if you can to do the work yourself and keep ALL the money!
I’m so sick of narcs I could scream! Let me know what you do…I’ll be curious to know:)
Zari xo
GayeLynn
May 4, 2017 at 5:18 pmBefore I re-type the whole message, just wondering if you got it?
If so, I don’t see it posted.(?)
(It was about working alone with my sister and how to deal with her silent treatment.)
I saw that when I posted it, it said it was waiting for approval.
That was 2 days ago.
Thanks!
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2017 at 7:20 pmHi GayeLynn,
I’m sorry it is taking me so long to respond, girl. Between emails and these comments it sometimes takes me while. I’m just getting to all and will be posting my reply:)
xo