Do you suspect that a partner or person you’ve just met has a narcissistic personality? If so, the narcissistic behaviors listed below will help you to decide. Typically, we’ve been with our partner for quite a while before we begin to investigate the behaviors that have been giving us that nagging, uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t quite right. For many (myself included), it’s this length of time that becomes our biggest regret as well as the biggest obstacle to our acceptance of the fact that this person that we love has a narcissistic personality disorder. I mean, who wants to believe that?
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As we’re all aware, this person could be a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, sibling, child, friend, or co-worker. Narcissism covers the gamut of human pathological relationship possibilities and has no geographic or demographic boundaries. In other words, they’re fucking everywhere.
Recognizing Narcissistic Traits (Red Flags) in Someone New
Now, if you’re people-savvy enough to be reading this article before or during the initial stages of a relationship, then good for you. I didn’t begin my investigations until the eight-year mark of my involvement with a narcissistic boyfriend and this fact boggles my mind even today [See my book When Love Is a Lie for details].
Beware of the following Red Flags that indicate narcissistic traits or tendencies:
- You met him ONLINE or it appears that all of his exes were women that he met online OR he has several active online dating/social media profiles. The anonymous world of online dating and/or social media (particularly, FaceBook!) is a safe-haven and notorious stomping ground for textbook narcissists and sociopaths. I would go so far as to guess that 7 out of 10 males that you might meet anywhere online are narcissists and sociopaths.
- A infamous narcissist tactic is that he/she will come on very strong right away, wanting or showing the willingness to spend 24 hours/day together. This is often referred to as love-bombing. Within days of meeting, you may even hear the words “I love you” or “You’re my soul mate” or “…we finish each other’s sentences” or “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met”. And sex with a narcissist is usually deliberately wonderful. When you’re not together, he’ll send lots of texts “just checking in”.
- He/she refers to at least one ex as a psycho or as someone “who just can’t/couldn’t let go”. You may even be told that the relationship became sexually incompatible or that the ex was a selfish person. You may even hear that this ex still bugs him and that he’s had to ignore calls or change his phone number because of it (this is a HUGE Red Flag because you’re next!). The ex who “still” bugs him is the usually the one he is cheating on with you.
- Even though he has his own place, he seems to like to spend a lot of time at your residence and somehow it always ends up that way (even if the date starts out at his house). There’s a reason why he prefers you two not be at his place right now.
- He/she showers you with gifts from the start (part of love-bombing) OR you find that you are paying for everything. Either way, it’s a Red Flag. If you have to pay for things, the excuse usually is something like “I didn’t get a chance to cash my check” or “I’ll make it up to you this weekend” or “I’m kinda short on cash but I’d really like to see you” OR (as my ex actually stated) “Wow…I’m sure glad you’re not one of those girls who expects me to pay for everything. I hate that.” (I should have excused myself to the ladies room and snuck out the front door!)
- The time you spend together is, for the most part, just the two of you. Although he may mention the names of friends in passing, you haven’t met any yet and he hasn’t expressed any interest in introducing you to them OR he’ll say, “I kinda like it being just me and you right now.”
- When a narcissist shares a story about himself, it’s usually a story describing something someone else did to him. If he talks about past jobs, the reason he was let go or fired was NEVER his fault and he sees nothing unusual about having many past jobs that he can say this about.
- It’s AMAZING how many things you have in common with this person you’ve just met. Trust me, no one has that many things in common with an absolute stranger. Beware of hearing too many responses that being with “You’re kidding! Me too!”
Recognizing Narcissistic Traits in a Long-Time Partner
- There are times his cell phone is off for long periods of time or he’s seems to always be out of cell minutes or he has a tendency to leave his phone in his car “to charge” or on vibrate when he’s with you or your calls seem to always have to go to his voice mail first before he calls back or when he does call, the background is unusually dead silent or hollow-sounding (indicators he has had to go elsewhere to call you). In addition, if you question any of this, he quickly brushes it off as no big deal and states that you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
- If YOU, for whatever reason, don’t answer your phone or respond to a text, a narcissist will become greatly offended or accusatory and may even subject you to a silent treatment as a punishment for not being available.
- He will change his cell phone number for no reason at all. With a narcissist, this typically means he is trying to avoid the calls of someone else he’s been seeing and is now blowing off.
- There will be unexplained disappearances and unexpected reappearances and he will become highly annoyed if there are repercussions or questions about any of it. If you think about it, it’s as if he pushes a relationship reset button whenever he feels like it, fully expecting to continue on as if he’d never been gone.
- He gives illogical and even ridiculous excuses when questioned about anything and nothing about any of it rings true. After awhile, it appears that he may even lie when the truth is a better story just for the sake of lying in general and this is exactly what a narcissist does to confuse you about what’s true and what isn’t so that you’ll eventually stop questioning everything! If pushed, a narcissist will use the tactic of plausible denial, twisting the truth and/or denying everything and admitting to absolutely nothing (even with evidence front and center) until he is blue in the face.
- He becomes highly accusatory for no reason and nothing you can say will dissuade him from his rant. This Red Flag can be used to your advantage because whatever the narcissist is accusing you of is usually precisely what he’s up to at any given time.
- He keeps a distance between you and his family and even if this isn’t openly apparent, you can simply sense it.
- He seems to have a completely different persona in the out side world and others may see him as a really funny guy. If he does have friends and co-workers, he spends a good amount of time talking badly about them to you behind their back. This Red Flag is also a give-away. Is there a girl at work that he talks a lot to you about but in derogatory tones…how annoying she is, how he can’t stand working with her? That’s the one he’s probably interested in.
- A narcissist will create chaos about nothing just to start trouble. This is particularly apparent on any occasion that is celebratory for you (i.e. birthdays) and also on holidays. He/she may even disappear at the same time every year. I call this tactic the Narcissist’s Seasonal Discard. If this happens regularly for any amount of time (my ex disappeared every October until after New Years for 13 years!), you can be fairly certain that he’s spending this time at his other place of residence with the person that he discards to be with you during the rest of the year!
- You’re starting to feel manipulated into asking no questions about anything this person says or does no matter how illogical it sounds. Manipulation is the key here because a narcissist can be very passive-aggressive. You’re reality is being created by a Narcissist Puppeteer and he’s very good at what he does! Executing this manipulation successfully is how a narcissist manages down your expectations of the relationship until he is able to do just about anything he wants and still return to your open arms.
Trust your intuition! Trust your gut feeling! The above are only a handful of the narcissistic ploys and tactics that a potential partner or a long-time partner or spouse can display to give themselves away – but don’t let too much time pass trying to figure it all out. If you suspect that something is up or if stories suddenly don’t make sense or sound even the slightest bit logical, confront! If the answers given aren’t good enough or if, more than likely, this person refuses to answer you at all or if you’re subjected to punishments simply for asking the question, it’s time to get out of this relationship or nip in in the bud before you get hooked.
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Lingering in the confusion and continually giving this person the benefit of the doubt leads to the type of codependency to hope that gets us nowhere. Narcissists are everywhere and they are the most patient of demons. A victim’s unhappiness is how the narcissist measures his control and he has all the time in the world to watch you suffer.
Jeff smith
January 19, 2019 at 10:46 pmI met this person from the Philippines online and fell in love with her. I had been single for almost ten years and was very lonely. At first I thought she was an angel from heaven. I literally worshipped the ground she walked on and she knew it to. After only about a month in she was saying things like, she wanted me to come get her pregnant and to not worry about the baby that she would take care of it. And said if I wasn’t ready to she would get her husband to get her pregnant. Did I mention she had a husband? Wait for it. This is where I blame myself as well. She told me from the start she had a husband but that he moved out a few years ago and with Philippines being a no divorce country he was already happily involved with another woman and started his life over with her NSAID she was in the process of getting a legal separation. We’ll get back to that in a minute. At first our relationship was great . She found Avery second she could to be with me she make me feel good despite what she calls constructive criticism. About 4 months in I began noticing she was spending less and less time with me. Always have excuses. She even was the first person to make all these promises that she would take care of me and that she would protect me even from her family. When later she would help her family hurt me. But as our time together started decreasing and her behavior started acting strange I had this gut feeling and Something told me to tell her to put her cards on the table. she looks up and says that she had been keeping her husband’s secret from me and that he had moved in three four months ago because he had no place to stay he slept here he slept there he had no money and then a week or two later she told me that his parents met her parents and arranged it beyond her control just for their 10 year old son to be happy. They shared a house with her siblings all who are in college so it wasn’t there home were they and only they lived. But anyway even before I met or found out about the husband she would go as far as tell me the things I need to change about myself make me feel so worthless. When I learned about the husband and after hearing is hard luck stories told her I would not leave her and I would stay as long as we start immediately working on getting us a place of our own somewhere far away. She at first was happy and acted like she was getting an apartment here or there but needless to say she never did. The arguments begin to get worse, she would get mad and hang up on me I will try to call she would hang up and I remember she hung up on me 11 times back to back. We would be on video chat and she would say wait, she was in put the phone down and wouldn’t come back for the longest time. I remember being upset and crying with her telling me she did not want a wimpy man that she wanted a real man not knowing she was hiding her husband from me. I begin to notice she had no empathy or compassion. I begin to notice everything she accused me of was what she was doing to me.
As the months went on and as I watched her and him coexist in the same house even though not sleeping in the same bed it was emotionally draining me , it was ripping me apart. My temper just started exploding and we found ourselves arguing every day for over 3 months. Yes I admit I used some bad language towards her because the whole time I’ve been asking her and begging her telling her it was hurting me it was really hurting me watching them there together can we please do something but nothing was ever done so that made me more angry and that made her want to spend less and less time with me. the last time she spent with me the angrier I got. We would get in a bad argument and the next day we would talk and she would sit there and listen end admit that she had been unfair to me and she understood that he was hurting me watching them but never did anything about it after that. She one day after a fight left me said her father had a heart attack. a didn’t see or hear from her for 10 days. I sent her text after text but with no reply ever until the tenth day. Ali blue something told me to callA little and she happens to pick up we talked for about 30 minutes I tried to explain to her that situation was what was changing me and after she told me I had always been like that I got mad again and she left me for another week. Talkin a total of about 20 minutes.
She left me at Christmas this past year. And when you don’t have any friends or family it really kind of gets to you.
She blames me for this because of my attitude changing. I tried to tell her leave her fine before he came into the picture but she will not see it that way. I’m the one with the abusive language she says, and she’s right, I was. But it was always me and never what she done. She told me I can’t control my temper but at the beginning of the relationship she warned me to not get her upset because she’s a completely different person. I’m standing here right now as I’m speaking into my phone unable to text from shaking too bad. I’m confused, I feel sick inside, it feels like it a dream to be honest, a bad bad dream. Everything she has accused me of doing was what she was doing to me or did.
Can someone help me please.
Thank you.
Jeff S.
Tennessee
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 1:15 pmHi Jeff, I am so sorry it took me so long to respond to you and I am sorry for your pain. Look, when we meet people online, there is always the risk of deception…that is the norm. But this Philippines thing…these women have a very different lifestyle. I know single American men who have moved there, gotten married to a native and then moved a native girlfriend in as well, even while the wife was pregnant. Apparently, they are all one big happy family. I don’t believe for a second that this girl you speak of does not sleep with her husband. I just don’t. I also don’t believe that she was forced into a reconciliation and he may have even lived there the whole time. You will never be sure.
Don’t blame yourself for believing because we ALL want to believe. Narcissists are so good at this nonsense, the gas-lighting, the accusations, etc. In the Philippines, though, I don’t know if it’s narcissism or just a cultural thing the way the women collect and juggle partners, boyfriends, and husbands.. I know the women there can be very deceptive to get what they want but some “extended” families seem okay with it. Don’t forget, this is a third world country, even with all it’s beauty. I am sure that having the attention of an American is very satisfying. Please don’t fall for the ruse. I hope you are feeling better since you wrote to me! Blessings to you, brother…..xo
Savannah G
August 13, 2018 at 4:32 amI found your amazing blog and a light bulb went off. I have been in a blurry friendship (we crossed that line a few times) with a narcissist for 11 years. He is in a bad relationship and not happy (his words). I have always stood by him and he would blame his issues on childhood drama, the other guy, his GF, the weather etc . I couldn’t figure it out. I was not allowed to ask certain questions because he would get uptight and angry. Never was I subjected to that before with another guy so I backed off and learned that I just couldn’t ask him things and whatever he said, was set in stone. At first I was invited over to his house quite a bit (he lived 3 hours from his GF because of a job). We would drink and laugh and watch basketball etc. we had a blast. That started to slow a bit. He had major surgery and he said “goodbye” to me the night before saying he was going to die. He was fine but the months that followed he retreated into his cave and wouldn’t talk to me. Not a word. It broke me considering we were so close and I really did know so many intimate details about him. I got very sick one day and ended up in the ER. Most likely caused by the fact that I was overwhelmed by his lack of communication and breaking my heart. The empathy button had been broken. I texted him from the ER and he never replied. Nothing. Anyways fast forward he slowly started to come around and he apologized for not being there etc. he decided to take another job and moved in with his Gf. He’s only lived with her for a year 24/7 and he has been texting saying things aren’t good and he wants out . He doesn’t know where he’s going but maybe we could be roommates for awhile. Seriously? He never responds to texts unless it’s on his terms , he ghosts me, and he even sent a text a couple of weeks ago suddenly asking how my mothers surgery went. Mind u he never even asked how it went the day of. I don’t know what to do at this point. He won’t commit to driving a few hours to at least talk to me about why he’s unhappy etc . Heck maybe that’s all smoke ?? Should I confront him or just ignore … ughh he’s drained me.
Curry Cara
June 20, 2018 at 3:45 pmU got everything correct I’m living with one for far too long
Zari Ballard
June 30, 2018 at 12:16 amThen time to get out, girl! Life is way too short to put up with this nonsense….xo
Jane
May 31, 2018 at 8:08 amI met this person through a friend who happens to be her brother in law for the first three months we spent a lot of time together at my house with my 2 sons aged 5 and 7 although he has his on place and his 17 year old daughter lives with him and does everything for him after three months of him staying at mine on and off he decided he must spend more time at his house with his daughter I found this perfectly ok and thought what a good way of getting to know someone so he came a couple of times a week,I have two dogs both sleep on my bed he started to say I don’t think the dogs should sleep on the bed I think the boys should stay in there bed ( they wake in the night scared and I allow them into my bed ) I did stop the dogs from coming on to the bed when he was there it went on to other things like the cooking I should cook him a meal from scratch I began to feel on edge when he came so I told him the dogs won’t come on to the bed when he is there but when he is not there they will be on the bed he did not seem to like this the 5th month I became pregnant by the way I am 38years old and he is 44 years old I am now 6months pregnant he did not want the baby he done everything to make me have an abortion this is something I could not do he said he could not do this. I told him to walk away because I am prepaired to do this on my own when he new this was going to happen he was not happy and I felt like I was on my own ,then he said he had his head round it but still has given me the impression he is not going to be around but keeps telling me he doesn’t know what will happen when the baby is born,but he is insisting I have a baby gate because of the dogs demanding that I breast feed not to find out the baby’s sex I have told him I will do what I want to do and not be controlled by him because he does not live here and I am not being told what to do in his eyes my 2 dear boys do not exist and they are my life as will be the little girl that I am expecting a friend of mine said to me he sounds like a narcissist so I have started to read about them he has tried to control me I have had the silent treatment which I did not respond to and that was the last straw He also has kept his ex partner and girlfriends as friends I don’t want him as a friend even because he has already used the term my baby I have decided to tell him that we will not be a couple anymore but I fear he will want to try to take over where the baby is concerned but I will not let this happen any advise please.
rella57
April 14, 2018 at 7:57 pmFound out my former partner of 2 years was cheating on an “Adult” website-we had an email we shared and as luck would have it, this “website” included it on a mailing list and it was sent to our shared address. 3 days after returning from a wonderful vacation I looked at my emails and there were the notification “hottotrot2018” is winking at you-he denied it. I clicked on the profile and didn’t it take directly in to his online private profile. I saw the texts, his cell #, ridiculous juvenile texting between him and other women and a couple for a “threesome” (which I would not participate in). I texted him that I had seen the texts-he denied, denied, denied-said it was a “hack”. I finally sent him the screenshots of the texting he had with these women and told him I had cleared my things from his house, wished him the best of luck and would appreciate that he never contacted me again. He responded “WTF??” Still the hacking excuse. I texted him that the hilarious thing was I wasn’t;t even snooping-this was dropped in my lap by the universe like a gift LOL! He responded “LOL??? I told you my acct was hacked. You do what you have to do, I don’t want to fight. I didn’t even bother to respond. I cleared out and blocked him from any way of contacting me. He reached out via email 2 weeks later with a lame apology that he was sorry, I was a wonderful person, he had nothing bad to say about me but he felt the relationship was getting stagnant and wasn’t going anywhere
I spoke with his kids a week later (16/19) They said he cheats on all his gf because he’s insecure and needs constant admiration, he’s manipulative and selfish and I deserved better. They tried to get him to counselling but he would quit after 2 sessions because he didn’t have a problem-everyone else did. I had all the red flags prior to the from the start. He was insidiously emotionally abusive, I couldn’t even describe it to my friends, Im the one that sounded crazy. I couldn’t sleep soundly with him. Always felt like I was walking on eggshells. His relationship with his kids was like something out of the “Stepford Wives”. He was always calling himself “Da Man” look how much money I make, I own a nice house blah blah blah. He was impulsive although as much as he wanted me to believe how “worldly” and “”spontaneous” he was, he was often hesitant and looked insecure trying new things or going new places. Lots of talk. My life revolved around his life. In the beginning, it was all what my interests were then gradually, without my even realizing, everything became about him and his children. I’m ashamed I didn’t make my family a priority in the relationship. I’m 5 weeks out with NC. Doing well but at times feeling lonely confused with low self esteem and self worth. Thing is, I knew this would end badly. I’m just glad, although he was cheating, that I left first without feeding his ego with any pleading crying or begging. I don’t feel like really doing anything. Just trying to make sense of how I could’ve let this happen and why I didn’t trust my gut
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 2:32 pmRella57 wrote… Thing is, I knew this would end badly. I’m just glad, although he was cheating, that I left first without feeding his ego with any pleading crying or begging.
That’s all you need to know, girl. No need to beat yourself up. You’re done and it’s over with. As good human beings, we WANT to believe that what people tell us is the truth and that they are good deep down. This is normal and is the reason why we allow it to happen. But the truth is that there are deceivers everywhere and we have to be watchful and aware for the next one that approaches. Next time you will trust your gut. That is your lesson and we have to have the experience to learn it and you did. That’s all it is. Now go forth and be happy because that is what you deserve.
Zari xo