Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact (Re-post)

no-contact-narcissistIt’s been many, many months since the narcissist vanished into thin air, granting me the Grand Finale of Discards that I’d always known he’d give me on his way out some day. However, since I am always asked if it’s really possible to escape the madness, I thought I’d re-post the following article that gave my reflections on my no-contact life at 13-months. As you can see, escaping is more than a possibility and if I can do it, so can you, my friends:)

Reflections of a No-Contact Life

Well, I gotta hand it to him. As far as discards go, I had to hand it to him..he certainly didn’t disappoint. Not a word since he left..no narcissistic hoovering…no nothing. However, I blocked his ass and, for the first time ever, didn’t chase him in desperation. This time simply felt different and I never looked back. But that’s not to say that I’ve had a sad, boring year of silence and tears because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, this past year, although completely free of drama and chaos, was rather interesting in its own normal kind of way. And I have much to be grateful for. So all that being true, don’t you want to know how I’ve really been feeling about all this “no contact“? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway so grab a coffee, soda, beer, what-have you and sit on back.

Okay…so, earlier today I was in a weird, bittersweet mood and I started thinking that I needed to do some reflecting and, more importantly, share those reflections with all of you. I’ve reached and slightly passed a No Contact milestone of sorts and we all know how important that can be.  So, not only did I decide that sharing reflections could possibly be helpful to readers and site visitors, I also determined that it may be therapeutic to me as well considering I really haven’t really shed an actual tear since he walked out. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it’s an excellent thing.

zari - narcissist-abuse-support

I’m not going to say there haven’t been times that I’ve been sad because there definitely has been. And during those moments, although they never really quite spilled over, my eyes may even have gotten a bit teary. But why haven’t I cried? Why haven’t I lost it? Why didn’t I start looking for him immediately after he pulled the ridiculous discard after a nice day together that October 3rd in 2012? Why didn’t I start power calling his phone? Why did I allow days to turn into weeks to turn into months…and then a whole year passes? I do speak in When Love Is a Lie about one time in March of 2013 where, after opening an old text message from that October that I had never read, I was so disgusted by what it said that I couldn’t help but reply to it with a simple “fuck you”, never thinking that he would have the same phone number 5 months after the Discard.  To save the explanation and show you what transpired, below is the excerpt from my book When Love Is a Lie which describes what happened:

[One afternoon at work, while playing with my phone, I came across upwards of ten unopened text messages from the N leftover from the October discard. With a knot in my stomach, I opened just one and it was as nasty as I imagined it might be. In a teeny moment of rage, I typed two little words – fuck you – as a reply and pressed “send”, never thinking for a minute that his old number would even be in service five months after the Discard. Sending it, though, was good enough for me because I went about my day and night without giving it a second thought.

Bright and early the next morning, my phone started chiming with text message notifications, one after the other. Even then, I couldn’t imagine who was texting me so early and so urgently. And, sure enough, it was the N …and here is what transpired via text over the next 12 hours:

W: OMG, I just got your message. I can’t believe that you still have hard feelings toward me.

I didn’t respond. I was in shock, I think. Several hours went by and then another text came in:

W:  btw…I’ve found God, Zari. I’ve quit drinking and I have a Pastor and a church group. Our mission is to be one with God. It’s a beautiful thing…not what you think. I’ve quit partying and I can’t be around any of that anymore.

I still couldn’t respond. He found God? Well, isn’t that the boundary of all boundaries to cross? What he found was a group of church goers in recovery who had no clue who he is and what he’d done and where he’d been. Wayne had found himself the ultimate clean slate. I’ll be damned. In thirteen years, I never heard him say a single thing about church or God or praying or anything. It was his last disgusting resort. And he went there.

W: Zari…let me help you. You know, this is a great church. I was thinking about Sky. He would love it here.

Really? You want to take my son – that wonderful person (who has a very personal relationship with God) that you basically neglected for a decade…you want to take him to church?. Now, it was on. I texted back.

Me: You found God, Wayne? Really? I’ll tell you why I don’t believe that. Because I’m pretty sure God would have wanted you to make amends with us…to say you’re sorry for what you put us through..for the years you wasted…for the lies. And by the way, Sky just had a quick chat with God and he doesn’t know who the hell you are.

W: I won’t give up on you. Think about coming to church with us. Really. It’s a beautiful thing.

The rest of the night was quiet and melancholy in a bittersweet way. I didn’t know what to think. Barbie was with me and she knew what I was feeling. It came down to the fact that he had moved on and – pretending or not – he was making it clear that he was a-okay without us. Just another reminder that, for thirteen years, love was a lie and all that time had been wasted.

Maybe he had changed. Was it possible? Could a narcissist really find God and change his evil ways? It was certainly giving me something to think about. And then the morning came and, with a text waiting, I got my answer.

W:  Z [I knew then, when he called me “Z”, that the N was alive and kicking], you want my mother to die? You want me to kill my mother? That’s it, Z. You hacked into my phone for the last time. You’re through! We’ve called the cops and they’re on they’re way. You’re done!

Me: Well, now I’m confused. Is this the real Wayne or the church-going Wayne?

W: You fucking bitch. We’re not playing. You’re going to jail.

Me: There you are! I knew it was you! So, what’s your nonsense today? Blah blah blah

No response. Then, a little later, I sent one more jab for the road…

Wait a minute! Does this mean you’re not taking us to church?

We never had contact again. I understood exactly what happened because, you see, I know who he is. Somewhere during the night and before his last text, he realized, in a panic, that I could – and probably would – expose him for everything he was if he brought me into his new circle. And he was absolutely right.]

Even after that incident – an incident, by the way, that would have wrecked my world had it happened, say, just one year earlier – I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxiety, and I didn’t try to find him. I didn’t feel a whole lot of anything…and I still don’t. It’s my lack of feelings about the whole thing that has thrown me for a loop but also made me very happy.  My madness and sadness have almost completely faded. Mind you, during the 12 years prior to this past year, I would have been inconsolable until he came back or I found him or we had communicated. I would have crawled under the covers and not come out for days. I would have been agitated and unable to work and consumed with writing letters or doing drive-bys or something. But none of this happened this last and final time. Even though I think about him daily, I can also think about and concentrate on other things throughout the course of the day with no problem. I can laugh and smile and be sociable. I can go out and do things. I can listen to music – and even to songs that were “special” to us. I can hang out with my son without feeling distracted by thoughts of what the N is doing and with who.

So, here’s what I think about this emotional “even keel” I’m on… and once again I’ll lay it out in a Q & A so that it addresses issues/questions I believe we’ve all had about our handling of situations involving our narcissistic partner:

Do I think it’s possible that I feel nothing because I’m just waiting for him to come back? This is a tough question and normally I would have to be honest and answer “yes” because it would make the most sense. However, there is something about the nothingness that I feel that makes me think differently..and that would be the fact that when I think about him coming back…when I imagine the scenario in my mind or imagine me running into him while I’m out and about or when a weird number calls and I automatically wonder whether it’s a hoover…when all those things cross my mind or occur, I still feel nothing. I don’t even get the twinge. So, no, I’d have to say that my nothingness hasn’t anything to do with me waiting for a anything.

How do I think I might be feeling in another year? Okay, this is actually a trickier question and the truth is that I still think about the N every damn day. And I’m not talking fleeting thoughts either….I think about it a lot. Now, the fact that I wrote two books and created a website around the relationship may have a lot to do with that and I do take that into consideration. I literally have to think about it everyday in order to promote, answer emails, etc. but this fact could be the very reason while I feel nothing. Has my relationship with the N turned into a business? Yes, I think it has. Hmmmm…

Do I still feel slighted…like I wasted years? Yes and no. I certainly wish I had my forties back and I’ll never forgive him for stealing that particular decade from my life but the thought doesn’t consume me anymore.

Do I ever think about revenge? Oh, sure I do…but that’s the fun part now. One favorite scenario involves me finding out what church he attends and showing up there early enough on a Sunday so that I could actually be standing at the door to greet the members of the congregation as they arrived. As they walked in, I’d hand each of them a copy of When Love Is a Lie (kinda like a church usher who hands out programs of the morning’s sermon) and say something like Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless..Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless…Good morning, .. you get the idea! Wouldn’t that just rock his church world! But I’ll never do it because he’s just not worth the trouble. Always remember that you will never beat a narcissist at his own game. We might feel evil at times with our vengeful thoughts but a narcissist is evil – and there’s an enormous difference.

So, if you had to describe, in one word, how you feel right now, what would it be? Detached – and, this, my friends is the key. I feel detached from the experience. I never thought I could ever feel detached from the narcissist in any way but I absolutely am. Zen philosophy has always talked about feeling detachment about the things that cause us grief and, for many years, I never understood the concept. I do now…and, believe me, it’s lovely. To be detached from the narcissist means that you can look back on it as if you’re watching a movie about someone else. It may make you feel sad but it doesn’t affect your life in the moment…in the here and now.

When-love-is-a-lie
Get Zari’s Book Today!

You can – and will – feel detached at some point too. Don’t give up. It will happen. It doesn’t mean that you will never think about what happened – because you will – but it will be over for you and it will feel over. And the feeling will be pain free.

I believe that, for the victim of narcissist abuse, there comes a time when it just has to end in your heart. I know now that I knew my relationship was over long before it actually ended. By the time he walked out for good, I was already detached. I had begun my recovery long before that and my reward for all that mental work is the detachment that I feel right now. You must strive to get to that point.  If you’re hurting badly right now, it’s because your heart doesn’t think its over. You must begin to fix that and the relationship doesn’t technically have to be over to do it . My second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, can get you started on the right path to recovery. I don’t have all the answers but I know what worked for me and I’m more than happy to share.

Stay strong and stay educated! Read, learn, and overcome! You deserve to be happy…..

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88 Comments

  • Rose

    May 29, 2015 at 1:29 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I dated my narcissist 20 years ago. It was good, bad, and ugly. When I finally walked away…I knew I was never going back. Back then I didn’t know what he was. No one talked about it. I just called him crazy. I did No Contact for 19 years without knowing what no contact meant. In retrospect when I look back, I see he actually was still around – strange phone calls and the such – but I completely blocked him from my mind so even my suspicions wouldn’t enter into my conscious mind.

    And then something stupid happened…he directly contacted me after 19 years. He hoovered me after 19 years.!!! I ignored him. I blocked him. But then people talked me into giving him a second chance. Maybe I had been wrong. We had both been young and stupid. Surely 19 years changes a man.!!! hahahahahaha…

    Sure it changes him. He gets better at his game. Whatever, whoever I had thought he was back then in our twenties…he actually still was and had never changed. Except this time, I also was smarter and more experienced and had been on this merry go round before. This time, there were so many blogs, books, websites about narcissists and sociopaths that I was able to finally call him for what he was. Well not to his face, but to myself.

    And I realized I had been right all those years ago. Of course, at the end my friends couldn’t wait for me to leave him. In their minds, someone so evil couldn’t have possibly existed, but he did exist. I’ve restarted No Contact again…If I could do 19 years when I didn’t know what he was. I sure can do it now when I know what he is. Thanks for your blog posts. They are extremely insightful.

    ~Rose

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Hi Rose,

      Wow…19 YEARS???? Thanks for the heads up! LOL Isn’t that amazing? I’ve heard that so many times…ten, fifteen, even 20 years later, they hoover. It’s almost as if they wait as long as possible so that the memory of how awful they were is just a speck in your brain. A girlfriend I had was always amazed at the amount of patience narcissists have with themselves…meaning they are willing to wait years if they have to before reappearing. This is why it always seems like Wow…it’s as if we saw each other yesterday! because, to them, it WAS only yesterday. In the same manner that a narcissist neither love nor hates you any more than he does a stranger, hoovering after 19 years is the same to him as it would be after 19 weeks or 19 frigging minutes! Seriously, when we accept all these anomalies for what they are, it becomes clear how completely unfixable this person really is.

      Thanks for reading and for your continued support of the website…..

      Zari xo

  • Joanne

    May 17, 2015 at 5:57 am Reply

    My husband went into a behavioral center after taking a bottle of pills and being diagnosed severely depressed. (I’m thinking it was all for attention) When he came out 6 days later he went straight to his brothers and sent me a text that he wanted his life back for me to enjoy my beautiful family (we have no children together) that he would help me financially so I could make the transition without him. Two days later after he came and got most of his belongings and left no money, I texted his brothers phone and asked why he had not left me any money. His response was…. I really do not owe you anything, I gave you my life for 16 years. He said he was getting a phone the next day and we would talk then. We’ll have not heard a word from him. It’s been 4 weeks. He left his van on my co workers property after I had told him before he left me that it needed to be moved. I have found out he was seeing someone immediately after leaving the hospital and moving in with his brother. I do not know what to expect. Has he discarded me for good? (It isn’t the first time) or will he turn up or text me again? He has unresolved issues here. Should I assume it is over and just move on? I do not plan on taking him back if he showed up anyway, just would like to know what to expect. What do you think from your experience?

    • Zari Ballard

      May 31, 2015 at 2:50 pm Reply

      Hi Joanne,

      Thank you for writing and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I am sorry for what this guy has put you through but it sounds so familiar to me. It’s very possible that since you’ve written, he’s contacted you once again. I expect he will as the experience of living at his brothers and life with the new girlfriend gets old. However, don’t wait for him. You ask if I think he will return and if you should move on but I think that it shouldn’t matter and you should kick his memory to the curb. Don’t get me wrong…I understand full well how you feel because my relationship dragged for 13-years. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please download it from Amazon. It’s cheap, easy to read, and you will be amazed how similar our lives have been. We all apparently loved the same dude.

      I hope that you can make it on your own, sister. Don’t expect any closure because you’ll never get any. I remember mine walked out one Xmas morning screaming “I just want to go back to my normal life!” after he’d just ruined mine for God knows how many years at that point. He left us with nothing and could have cared less. Of course, he popped back in months later as if he’d just gone for a walk and why the hell was the door locked! It’s impossible for us to wrap our heads around the pathology of these creatures but it is what it is. If you think about it, he really doesn’t have any unresolved issues with you. Sure, he may have what we would consider moral issues because of all the years involved but he will never see it that way. If he has his belongings and you have no kids together, then he basically has no reason to return until he has a reason to return, know what I mean?

      What you have to remember is this and do not forget it: a narcissist only returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused. No matter what he tells you, that is the ONLY reason. Understand this and ask yourself if that is okay with you. At some point we have to ask ourselves if this is how we want to spend the rest of our short lives. He will never ever change and you deserve to be happy.

      Let me know how you’re doing and, again, I’m sorry for the delay in responding. If you can, read the book. It may just change your life. If nothing else, it will definitely change your perspective of what you are going through.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Joanne

        May 31, 2015 at 3:19 pm Reply

        Thank you Zari for responding to my comment. He did contact me only to ask me to sign falsified divorce papers which say we have been separated since 2011 when in fact he left me in April with all of the bills. Needless to say those papers are with my lawyer. He says he wants the divorce and there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He said I have nothing he wants! He blames me for all of his problems and says the girl is just a “cool friend” yeah!! Whatever!! I am sure I need to add your book to the collection I am reading at the moment! I need all of the help I can get.

        • Zari Ballard

          May 31, 2015 at 4:03 pm Reply

          Hi Joanne,

          Let the guy have his divorce. I know it’s painful but time really does heal all wounds. Get my book because I guarantee it will make a difference. It’s a non-clinical, straight-up look at these creatures and their behaviors – through my eyes and the story of my own 13-year nightmare. No psycho babble about what narcissism is and isn’t. It’s a different approach and one you will surely relate to.

          Keep me informed and don’t fight him – let your lawyer do it. Take him to court and get him for everything he’s got that you’re owed, the bills, etc. Narcissists count on their intimidation and manipulation tactics to get away with things. It’s crazy how any girl would be okay with harboring this guy who basically abandoned his wife. They deserve each other (because, yes, they are together). He’s lucky you haven’t shown up at his front door but, strangely enough, the women that a narcissist dumps rarely do that. They have it all worked out, don’t they?

          Good luck, sister, and let me know what happens!

          Zari xo

          • Joanne

            June 1, 2015 at 4:04 pm

            I have a question. Twice I have made the comment to professionals that I think my husband may be a Narcisist and both professionals one a therapist and one my lawyer said, well he could be but he was also on drugs at the time and addicts sometimes show narcisistic signs. Are there any signs or systems that stand out that would show Narcisism that would be displayed regardless? I’m just trying to understand. Zari I did purchase your book. I am reading it now, and I have already seen my husband in the book

          • Zari Ballard

            June 6, 2015 at 12:06 am

            Hi Joanne,

            I’ll tell you this…I don’t really mention it in the book but my ex was both a drinker and a drug user. I’m not going to lie and say I never partied with him because I did but he went over-the-top and THEN started to blame all of his behaviors on the substance abuse. So, he would quit and things would be good for a minute and then he’d behave the same way even when sober. It’s all a lie. believe me, I watched this very carefully because I was looking for an excuse as well. I really WISHED I could have blamed his evilness on the drugs but there was no way. The truth is that no one just BECOMES a narcissist. It’s impossible. A guy isn’t “normal” and then starts exhibiting narcissistic behaviors after becoming an addict. I realize it’s a fine line and I even understand why therapists might say this (although I feel that’s an incorrect way of looking at it) but I know what I know. I’ve known MANY addicts in my life and even dated OTHER addicts over the years, and I’m sorry, it’s just not the same. The behavior of narcissists goes much deeper than that and this is why I left much of it out of the book. I did not want to confuse the issue. And I don’t want you to be confused about it either.

            The point of everything is what he has done and what he is doing now. He is NOT going to change even if he goes completely sober so do not spend a whole lot of time trying to understand this. Narcissists do what they do because it is who they are. I know it’s hard to wrap our heads around it but it is what it is. Do not try to find excuses for his behavior because he has none. He is a bad person and what he is doing right now is despicable and cruel. Let him go. YOU are not the problem and his “bad” is as good as its ever going to get, sister.

            Stay strong!

            Zari xo

  • Carrie

    May 5, 2015 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Well after reading all this I’m a little confused again. I have or had or maybe still have a friend. Whom I suspect is s N but that conversation you mentioned after telling him tof off (my keypad is not working great so please ignore any mispellings and letters that look like they don’t belong ) anyway Im afraid that maybe I would appear to be like the N you described to my friend . however I think anybody can display traits of any personality disorder , that doesnt make it so. Do you think kwybe he missed you and possibly just wanted to combine a life with you but in the new life and way he has found? And he got mad you rejected him flat out? However I do totally agree with all you said regarding him and how he should have apologized and already made amends now that he found god. I know that from my personal experience and relationship with god there is just no way I’d get away or escape from any convictions no matter how small or large they are.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 6, 2015 at 1:56 pm Reply

      Hi Carrie,

      No, he didn’t miss me at all…he just threw a nicety out there to see see if I’d take the bait. First of all, I sent the text to him (which I shouldn’t have) in response to a nasty text he’d sent to me that I had never opened until that day. The whole point is that when I “rejected” him, he went from being a God-loving whatever to accusing me of hacking in his phone and threatening to call the cops. Same old shit. I didn’t really expect any apology and I should have never sent the initial “fuck you” text to get it all started. After 13-years together, I’d been in the same scenario hundreds of times. Narcissists are never sincere and it should never be expected. Moreover, they do have a way of getting us to participate in the madness. In many ways, by the end, we are doing the same things in our reactions to their behaviors and this is why we simply have to get out and stay out.

      And as for the “God” aspect, narcissists love to claim that they have “found God” as if it wipes their slate clean. The charade never lasts long and before you know it, they aren’t even mentioning God and things are right back to how they were. It was my bad to have sent that text but the “conversation” played out in exactly the same way that it always had.

      Thank you for writing….

      Zari xo

      • Carrie

        May 6, 2015 at 2:42 pm Reply

        I totally get where you’re coming from, and I would have done and said the same thing too.
        I think there’s a point I’m getting at soon maybe now which is how I know how hard a simple thing such as communication can become between people , especially males and females and all I want to say kind of goes along the lines of how my mother firmly believes in her heart if the justice system was up to her, she would just much rather see a guilty person go free than see an innocent man pay and pay and by along those lines I just mean I know how deeply it could hurt someone else just as bad as it would deeply hurt me for someone I love so much and care about to believe such a drastic and without a professionalddegree no less be diagnosing me or vice versa as a Narcissistic / psycho or sociopath.
        Yeah I know .. To a said person who fits the mold and is as such obviously wouldn’t give one let alone two shits if anyone says it is so with that person. But I know how we all at times wear masks and we all show or not show any emptions In our own ways and in our own times. This is why I totally believe in the pricipals of therapy whether individually , couples counseling and or family. Its easy , so damn easy to get so upset and fed up and hurt and angry and any other emotions within the circle that its a blessing and a huge relief and a weight finally lifted to finally understand the reasons and causes that make up the awful pain pyramids that crumble . believe me I get it.
        I’m not even trying to argue or say you’re wrong . not at all. You know best. I think I just feel the need to say this for those of us who aren’t so sure and very impressionable and its so easy to point a finger and have that Aha! Moment, but it also may come back and bite you or let’s say I know it has for me and life is just way too short. But know when to leave em and move on . you did the best possible thing actually that you could have done which is letting him go. Trust me , I know he got mad and was hurt and reacted like a jerk . but I promise you this , someday when and if there is the over side we all get to , is a huge thank you and amends party and we will all get to be crying tears of joy as we all cry our last tears of so much pain.

        • Zari Ballard

          May 18, 2015 at 5:42 pm Reply

          Hi Carrie,

          I understand what you are saying as well except that in these cases, there is no mistaking the level of deception. When we spend any length of time with a narcissist, we completely forget what’s normal human behavior and what isn’t. NOTHING about a narcissist’s behavior is normal. Sure, each of us has narcissistic qualities but the very definition of these particular qualities and the way in which our having these qualities might affect someone we love is DIFFERENT. Where we stop and a narcissist begins is at the point that we won’t cross that line (whatever it may be) and the narcissist simply hops over it again and again and again. The characteristics are rock solid and can not be denied. The women and men who find their way to my blog are those who are shell-shocked that all of our lives are interchangeable. The “aha” moment often happens – as it did for me – in a split second and SIMPLY CAN NOT BE DENIED. There is no way that a person can, for example, be experiencing silent treatments and then discover narcissism and think that their silent treatments must somehow be different. A silent treatment is a silent treatment. Disappearances are disappearances. Secrets are secrets. Pathology is pathology. Spending holidays alone because a partner always happens to vanish during that time of year is what it is. Once we “get it”, there’s no going back. They all adhere to the same pathological agenda.

          Now, having said that, once we know what this person is there are many things that can happen. For instance, 1) we can stay hoping that we can fix it or that we can “love” them out of their bad behavior (never happens), 2) we can pretend that “my silent treatment is not as bad as yours”, 3) we can choose to believe the Lie just one more time hoping it’s the last time, 4) we can let it all go and live in a state of compassion and denial no matter how he/she treats us (because it never changes)….on and on and on. I can see how you can read that one article and the one little piece of conversation and take it as face value but My God I had those same conversations for 13-years. It was the same thing over and over and over. I already doubted everything and took him back and apologized for nothing and thought I could fix him. There is nothing that can be done for him – at least not by me.

          Now it’s very possible that your partner is not a narcissist after all and that alone may be your “aha” moment. I believe that those who are truly experiencing what it’s like to suffer emotionally at the hands of a narcissistic partner will know instantly whether the behaviors fit. What they do with that knowledge…well, who knows…but they will KNOW nonetheless. My point is that we have no clue how long we are on this earth. If victims tell themselves that “Oh we’re all narcissistic in some way” and therefore we have to be compassionate for all those deemed to be narcissists, what good can ever come of that? The narcissist DOES NOT CARE HOW FORGIVING AND COMPASSIONATE YOU ARE. If it made a difference, I’d be all for it. Trust me, I have had my share of NORMAL long-term relationships that ended “badly” so I KNOW the difference. I can actually remain friends with those exes. The narcissist…no way…because he was never my friend to begin with…not even during the good times. There is even an enormous difference between a NORMAL guy who cheats and a cheating narcissist. Now I see it and I’m laying out the facts so that hopefully others will NOT make the same mistakes that I did. I’m not sure if you’ve read my book When Love Is a Lie but it goes into great detail about all of that.

          Anyway, thank you for the response and I am never “offended” by those who disagree at all. In fact, I welcome the opportunity to explain my way of thinking. I’m just saying that there comes a point where we have to ask ourselves if this is really the way we want to live out our lives…the way we want to be treated forever. How long do we wait, forgiving and forgetting and trying to bargain with our feelings about how we’re all alike so who are we to judge and not give another chance? That’s EXACTLY how a narcissists gets away with what he does. He relies on us to act normally and then he takes advantage of it. If we forgave him yet again on the chance that well, maybe this time he really means he’s sorry and who am I to judge another and then after two weeks of the same old shit, he disappears again, and then the NEXT day, the world ends or nearly ends or we lose someone or WE die, how could anyone possibly justify wasting that little time we had left when we knew from HISTORY what was going to happen?? Anyway, that’s my rant….HAHA!!

          Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Katie

    February 8, 2015 at 4:28 pm Reply

    Detachment! I love that you addressed this feeling and what a blissful suprise it is! Recovering from an N is so profoundly painful and haunting, and seems to linger on and on…..when the day finally arrives that a memory, an old photo, or an old email don’t make you feel anything…ANYTHING…it is shocking and awesome. This blew me away, when it hit me that I was no longer effected by his ghost. It was a pivotal moment for me in which I finally acknowledged what a badass I am. At 34 years old, I finally saw how strong I am…..I could bench a semi!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 14, 2015 at 4:46 am Reply

      Katie wrote…Detachment…..At 34 years old, I finally saw how strong I am…..I could bench a semi! Right on!!!!! I love that, girl:)

      Zari xo

  • Nik Weinstein

    January 2, 2015 at 6:21 pm Reply

    Zari, the way you handled the text conversation was a bit embarrassing on your part but you don’t seem to own up to it here. I’ve read a number of your pages in their entirety, and I came here looking for insight into my own issues, as the type of aggressor you are describing, but your material seems primarily for “victims”, especially when you refer to “narcissists” and other descriptors as people who are evil.

    People are complex, and the models we use to reach a general understanding of a particular person should not take the place of the complex person themselves and the descriptor of “evil” doesn’t aid in our understanding of people with different pathologies than our own.

    Nik

    • Zari Ballard

      January 2, 2015 at 11:24 pm Reply

      Hi Nik,

      Thank you for writing…I appreciate anyone who comes here to comment. Towards your viewpoint of my article, I guess the question I would have to ask is embarrassing for who? I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about considering that I was only three months out of the final discard when that text conversation occurred and really had no idea what was even going on. And today, two years and three months later, although I’m certainly a different person in a different state of mind, I still don’t, in re-reading the excerpt, feel embarrassed in the slightest bit because at the end of that text conversation it was clear to me that I was spot-on in my realization of what he was and still is. I don’t encourage anyone to feel embarrassed about past behavior with these creatures because it isn’t conducive in the slightest bit to the recovery process. What we do or did is just what it is. I was simply being honest about it and I’m glad it happened because it certainly squashed any doubt in my mind that I may have had as to the reason for silent treatment and to his intention overall.

      And, yes, people are complex but the narcissistic personality, in my opinion, is as complex as it is simple. If you read through the comments and stories that follow each article on this website, it becomes quite clear that these creatures are exactly alike in behavior and even in the very words that they speak for any given situation. And that’s not my opinion…it is the fact. It just is what it is. The bottom line is that narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths are incapable of change and for the partners that are stuck in the quagmire, the only way to even begin to live a normal life is to recognize it, accept it for what it is, and get the hell away from the insanity. My books are very clear on this and very descriptive of the behaviors and this is why people who have experienced the nightmare can relate so easily not only to my story but to the stories of everyone else who shares here.

      As for the content on this website, you are right…it IS for the victims and, particularly, for victims who don’t even KNOW that they are victims until they find their way here and have an “a-ha” moment. The abuse is so passive-aggressive, it often takes years before the narcissist’s partner even begins to research the weirdness/suffering they’ve been going through. As a male, although you don’t say, I’ll assume that perhaps you’ve experienced much of the same with a female narcissist and, indeed, it is very different in that the female narcissist far EXCEEDS the male narcissist in the evil department for a variety of reasons. My 4th book (due out this month) is all about the female narcissist and her pathological agenda and it is my hope that it provides the same validation and confirmation for male victims as my first three books (and this website) have provided for female victims.

      Lastly, I am not nor have I ever professed to view narcissism from a “professional” of clinical perspective. Everything that I write about is based on my own 13-year experience and on the years of research that I put into trying to understand the dynamics of the way that these rabid individuals think. In creating this website, my goal was to provide a place of support and understanding for those who’ve spent months and often years being made to feel crazy by a narcissistic partner. I’m here to assure them that they are NOT the problem, they are NOT crazy, narcissism is NOT fixable, and that escaping the abuse is not only possible but absolutely necessary in order to save one’s life. I’m certainly not here to judge readers because I’ve absolutely been on the same journey with, it seems, the same person and I’m well aware of of the behaviors on BOTH sides that cause the suffering. If I can help nudge victims to find a way out of the darkness in even the smallest of ways, then I feel that everything here is serving its purpose.

      Happy New Year to you and thanks again for writing….

      Regards,

      Zari

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