The “No Contact” Rule for Leaving a Narcissist

The “No Contact” Rule for Leaving a Narcissist

The No Contact Rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states: no contact. No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy via friends, no Facebook or date site stalking, no leaving notes on his car or apartment door, no sending letters by mail……NO NOTHING. And it’s fucking hard! That said, it is definitely not impossible. 

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In my third book, Narcissist Free, I stress that No Contact also doesn’t apply only to when you leave the narcissist but also to when the narcissist leaves you which is more likely to happen in a Discard when you least expect it. When you’ve decided that enough is enough with his pathological relationship agenda…when you start daydreaming about being narcissist free of the anxiety…when you start doodling the words no contact all over the place….when you have all of these fine agendas in place but still can’t leave the narcissist and then he leaves you, you can still go no contact because you know he’ll be back someday – and when he does, you don’t have to be there. You can turn his silent treatment into no contact in the blink of an eye in your own mind – but you have to know the difference. In your mind, it has to be for good!

When normal relationships end, it isn’t always necessary to deliberately enforce a no contact rule. Typically, the relationship ends, and there is the usual heartbreak, maybe even some contact in between to tie up loose ends…but when a narcissist is involved, nothing is as it seems (because it was all smoke and mirrors anyway). Chances are you’ve always had that nagging, uncomfortable feeling anyway so it’s now time to erase him off the planet (hey, that sounds familiar – kinda like he does to you…yeah, that’s it!). The narcissist, as you know, will hoover or check back in periodically to make sure you’re still hanging around waiting to be his narcissistic supply again. He wants you to be suffering – that’s the whole point of the game.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care….the more alive he feels. Your misery is his lifeblood.

zari-ballard-consultNo contact allows us to breathe, to relax in our own skin, to realize that we are worthy individuals outside of the reality the narcissist creates for us. Even if he leaves you, that should mean for you no contact game on! And make sure the door hits him on the way out! Then, bolt down the hatches, put some compassionate girlfriends on speed dial, delete his email address, delete his phone number (he’ll probably be changing it anyway – my did it every single time!), and start the no contact agenda…one painful day at a time. Giving up the need for closure and cutting the asshole off at the knees is the only way to save the rest of your life. This is one situation where no pain, no gain is a truism!

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Zari Ballard, EzineArticles Basic Author


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  • Kevin

    March 14, 2017 at 9:19 am Reply

    Is it just me, or is it narcissitic in nature to imply in these readings that it’s always a “male” issue? As a male that is getting away from a narcissistic female, I think it’s time these articles address it as an individual rather than a singular sex.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2017 at 2:56 pm Reply

      Hi Kevin,

      You can imply that, I suppose, if you just read one article. This blog is very open to men who are victims of female narcissists as this article clearly states. If you read the stories in the comment section under that article, you will see many just like your own. Also, I have written a book just for the men about the female narc called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. Because this blog is written from my own experiences and I am a female (who had a narcissistic boyfriend), it only makes sense that I write it from my own perspective. To continually refer to narcs as he/she, her/him etc., doesn’t make for a very good read and takes away from the flow of the article. Other than that, I’m the biggest female advocate for the guys that you’ll find on the internet.


  • Tired & drained

    February 14, 2017 at 7:12 pm Reply

    I wonder what to do when they don’t respect the ‘no contact’. My narcissistic parents are constantly contacting me via email, even though I broke contact years ago due to them starting to extend the abuse toward my children. Now they are very old & insisting they are entitled to personal information about me & the kids, including pictures! My father is saying he needs to meet with my husband because he is ‘concerned’ about my ‘well-being’. This is a tactic of course; my husband knows the truth & there will be no such meeting. But my father is acting as if I’m the sick one & it seems this is never going to end. I am constantly worrying about what they’ll pull next as the attempts are becoming more & more desperate. I’m tired & drained.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 19, 2017 at 3:34 pm Reply

      Hi Tired & Drained,

      I’m sorry that you are going through this but I can tell that you’ve made your peace with this a long time ago. I give you a lot of credit for not completely cutting them off. I know it is so difficult but you are being so strong. The only thing you can do here is either stop responding or, if you don’t respond, block their email so that all messages go to spam or to a folder that yo don’t have to look at. You could possibly write them a letter and send it snail mail, stating that this is the last straw and you do not want to have to cut them off completely but you will if they don’t stop. I wouldn’t normally say that because narcs, as a rule, do not even deserve an explanation for the cut-off. These are, however, your parents and I don’t know how you feel about doing that. No matter what you do, I agree that it all must end. YOU are NOT the problem.

      Let us know what you decide. Children of narcs come to me all the time seeking support and I admit that the issues that spawn from having narcissistic parents are not discussed as much as they should be here or at other sites. We would all appreciate your input and to hear how you handle the situation going forward.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

  • lilybean08*

    February 6, 2017 at 9:59 am Reply

    Hi Zari
    I dated a younger man casually for a few months before discovering he is a classic covert narcissist. He attempted to destroy me with a brutal devalue and discard that included social networking harassment and attempts to humiliate me via social media. I have since blocked him and have maintained 30 days no contact. I believe he felt rejected and angered by my strong boundaries, lack of jealousy and lack of interest in exclusivity. My concern is that he seemed to be quite obsessed with me during the relationship – was always checking my social media and spent all of NYE trying to upset me with constant social media posts, snap chat stories, etc, that were obviously aimed at me ( I refused to respond and stopped watching them after the first post). He has not attempted any overt hoovering. I am hoping he is really done with me as he was younger, we dated briefly, and I maintained strong boundaries. My one concern is that since he is a covert narc, he is socially awkward, odd, and has erectile dsyfunction so I am not sure it is easy for him to obtain supply. Do covert narcs hoover covertly? I think I may have met some flying monkeys he sent my way, but I am not sure. Can I breathe again? Thank you!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 5:36 pm Reply

      Hi Lilybean,

      Yes, he may be done with you although hoovering by proxy does happen…if it does or you are suspecting it, just ignore it. You have to continue on “as if” he is NEVER going to contact you again. If you want him to be “done” with you, then he is…that’s all there is to it. He can’t have anything to do with you if you don’t allow it. Luckily, narcs are really not motivated people and will not go out of their way to contact you if you block them all around. As long as you ceased looking at posts, you won’t be kept up to date on what he’s doing. Never respond to smear campaigns…they soon fade like everything else.

      So, yes, breathe all you want!!

      Zari xo

  • Donna

    February 5, 2017 at 5:13 am Reply

    Your Articles are so helpful Zara. Thank you for helping me through this time of anger and hurt.

  • Alisa

    August 5, 2016 at 12:03 pm Reply

    Even though we broke up and he moved out over a year ago , he stayed in contact with me for the last year . Even reeling me back in in the past 6 months , even though he has a new girlfriend . I didn’t realize he was a narcissist until reading your blog . It’s so true ; I’ve been dealing w a narcissistic selfish man w a drinking problem . After another round of fighting w him 2 months ago on the phone , calling him out for leading me on and lying , I have had no contact since then . He did reach out one week after our fight via text and then 4 days later via face time . But he has since given up . I Think he realizes I have no need to ever speak to him again . The no contact rule is definitely helpful . He has zapped my self esteem enough , broken my heart and we have no reason to speak . I think hE may actually leave me alone bc he’s in a relationship w a young woman who believes his bullshit and she has no kids so they can’t fight over their blended family as we did . But he moved only one mile away from our home and the convenience of his son’s school . I suppose time will tell . In ththe meantime , I need to be alone and heal . This man has messed up my head and I thank you for your wise words . At least I’ve learned how to deal w this personality .

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