The No Contact Rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states: no contact. No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy via friends, no Facebook or date site stalking, no leaving notes on his car or apartment door, no sending letters by mail……NO NOTHING. And it’s fucking hard! That said, it is definitely not impossible.
In my third book, Narcissist Free, I stress that No Contact also doesn’t apply only to when you leave the narcissist but also to when the narcissist leaves you which is more likely to happen in a Discard when you least expect it. When you’ve decided that enough is enough with his pathological relationship agenda…when you start daydreaming about being narcissist free of the anxiety…when you start doodling the words no contact all over the place….when you have all of these fine agendas in place but still can’t leave the narcissist and then he leaves you, you can still go no contact because you know he’ll be back someday – and when he does, you don’t have to be there. You can turn his silent treatment into no contact in the blink of an eye in your own mind – but you have to know the difference. In your mind, it has to be for good!
When normal relationships end, it isn’t always necessary to deliberately enforce a no contact rule. Typically, the relationship ends, and there is the usual heartbreak, maybe even some contact in between to tie up loose ends…but when a narcissist is involved, nothing is as it seems (because it was all smoke and mirrors anyway). Chances are you’ve always had that nagging, uncomfortable feeling anyway so it’s now time to erase him off the planet (hey, that sounds familiar – kinda like he does to you…yeah, that’s it!). The narcissist, as you know, will hoover or check back in periodically to make sure you’re still hanging around waiting to be his narcissistic supply again. He wants you to be suffering – that’s the whole point of the game.
The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care….the more alive he feels. Your misery is his lifeblood.
No contact allows us to breathe, to relax in our own skin, to realize that we are worthy individuals outside of the reality the narcissist creates for us. Even if he leaves you, that should mean for you no contact game on! And make sure the door hits him on the way out! Then, bolt down the hatches, put some compassionate girlfriends on speed dial, delete his email address, delete his phone number (he’ll probably be changing it anyway – my did it every single time!), and start the no contact agenda…one painful day at a time. Giving up the need for closure and cutting the asshole off at the knees is the only way to save the rest of your life. This is one situation where no pain, no gain is a truism!
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Tired & Drained
April 25, 2017 at 9:12 amTired & drained here again… I had told them flat out via email that *we* were not interested in a relationship with them. I had to be that blunt to make the demands to see my kids stop.
So they’ve been quiet for a while, but then they sent a card & check for my dd’s b-day, & then another for my son’s b-day a few weeks later. I wasn’t sure what to do with it so I put them aside; they are not cashed.
So now my father is emailing me (they are both narcissists I believe) to cash the checks as it’s ‘messing up’ his ‘bookkeeping’. When I ignored the email, sent a few days ago, he today sent another one saying “please respond”, which just validates that it is not ‘messing up’ his bookkeeping, but rather that he’s provoking a response.
The reason I won’t cash the checks is I don’t feel right taking from them when we don’t have a relationship. The kids know there are issues, each to their level of understanding, but I don’t make it worse by putting their cards out etc. I don’t want them sending money anymore but I didn’t want anymore contact either. So he’s provoking this & again I’m resenting it.
At this point I’m leaning toward putting ‘return to sender’ on both envelopes & sending them back, if the PO will do that. Or I could just take the checks & stick them in an envelope & send them back. The thing is I don’t intend on sending a note, because any notes will show an interest in communication – to them, at least.
Such a sticky situation & I really believe they thrive off this stuff.
Taylor
March 15, 2017 at 6:46 pmI am mid way through your your book on NC. My ex is 100% a narcissist. He is a pro athlete who thinks he deserves everything rather than has to earn it (major self entitlement). The first year was truly a fairytale – the soulmate phase. Then he started pulling away saying he needed space. After I found out he cheated he still filled me with false future saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when I asked for one reason why I should stay. I forgave him on the premis of how perfect our relationship truly felt, how perfect we felt for one another. I agree with everything in no contact; however I am concerned because he would actually have to be contacting me to worry about that. Just two weeks after he said he wanted to spend his life with me (let alone a year of hearing he was going to propose and talks of marriage), he left. That night was the last I’ve heard from him. I reached out twice, to wish him well (and to say that I hope the dog we had together was doing well), no answer. I sent a letter, no answer. It’s been over 2.5 months, and the last I heard from him was the night he left me. I’m all for no contact, but could he really be a narcissist if he hasn’t contacted me by now? I am wondering if I have to worry about hearing from him one day, and him turning my world upside down more than he has already. I hope at that point I am strong enough to not want him back. I am so confused and wonder if I lll never hear from him again.
Zari Ballard
March 25, 2017 at 3:38 pmTaylor wrote… I am wondering if I have to worry about hearing from him one day, and him turning my world upside down more than he has already. I hope at that point I am strong enough to not want him back.
Hi Taylor,
I hear a lot from partners or ex-partners of pro players. Like you said, the false sense of entitlement is crazy. Look, narcissism is not defined by whether a person comes back or not. Even in “normal” break-ups where people cheat (yes, not every cheater is a narcissist), a partner may return. You have to continue on as if he WON’T be back. The bottom line is that this guy is a complete asshole and you don’t need that in your life. A narcissistic pro player is a very busy guy with a world of supply so don’t worry about him returning any time soon, if he even does. Block him so he can’t contact you even if he wants to and you won’t be thinking about it as much. No contact is more for YOU than it is for him. You have to put space…create TIME…from the break-up so that you can heal. No contact means that you won’t be there when and if he EVER returns.
Zari xo
Kevin
March 14, 2017 at 9:19 amIs it just me, or is it narcissitic in nature to imply in these readings that it’s always a “male” issue? As a male that is getting away from a narcissistic female, I think it’s time these articles address it as an individual rather than a singular sex.
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2017 at 2:56 pmHi Kevin,
You can imply that, I suppose, if you just read one article. This blog is very open to men who are victims of female narcissists as this article clearly states. If you read the stories in the comment section under that article, you will see many just like your own. Also, I have written a book just for the men about the female narc called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. Because this blog is written from my own experiences and I am a female (who had a narcissistic boyfriend), it only makes sense that I write it from my own perspective. To continually refer to narcs as he/she, her/him etc., doesn’t make for a very good read and takes away from the flow of the article. Other than that, I’m the biggest female advocate for the guys that you’ll find on the internet.
Zari:)