For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.
As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!
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That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and he destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!
Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as he walks away is not going to be an option – ever.
What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!
The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. He simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and he’ll always get the last word (even if that means he leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. His entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and he can play the Pretender to five targets at once if he has to. All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering his way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!
I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???
(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)
You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for his return than accept the fact that he only returns to ensure our unhappiness.
The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.
Stay strong!!!
[updated post – 10/06/14]
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Kim/Joe Connolly
July 31, 2019 at 8:17 amYou don’t say one word about men in the same situation!!!
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 4:56 pmYes, I certainly do….http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/male-victims-of-narcissism/
Jinx
May 2, 2018 at 8:30 amawww Penny, im going through the same thing, instead Im the one with the kids and he told me today that hes going to be with her.It hurts so bad, because i just had a baby with him 4wks ago..its our second child together. I can guarantee you that hes doing her the same way.They only go back and forth because we allow them to. We ALL are ONLY a source of supply to them, because they are losers. Please be happy that you did not have any children with him. Its soooo much harder to leave when you have children, because they can use the children to come back and forth. I decided today that this is it, after he finally told me what i already knew, that hes going to be with her, i decided to just leave him alone, because i have closure unlike before, he would just lie and deny, giving me false hope. However, im walking away, completely..I changed my number, blocked him for all social media sites, including email. i booked my reservations to head out of town for 2wks, just to pick myself up without seeing or hearing from him,when I come back it will be a new day. Im not keeping the kids away from him but i need closure without him hoovering me, if he decides to do that,,, but i just came to terms that he just do not want me anymore, he threw away his family for her and 5yrs of my life with the unbelieveable, but guess what? Today i realized that i deserve better and i hope u realize that soon, some miss their water ONLY when their well has ran dry, or maybe he want but atleast you can have peace. ITs really hard , trust me i know but just know that this to shall pass and better days are on its way.
Penny
July 24, 2017 at 2:52 pmI am so devastated. He just again texted to end things with me, saying he was getting back with his ex, that we were never going to work. The funny thing is he has been living with his ex for the last year, and come to see me multiple times, always promising we were going to be together and “fix things.” that he was waiting to get stuff straight with the kids they have together. We were just talking two days ago about he had made plans to come next month for good. How he missed me and couldn’t wait to be here, that he would be here today if he could. Then he texted me yesterday, “hope youre having a great weekend, I’m thinking about you.
So I think he is going to call me this morning, but instead I get a text about how he is not coming next month, and how he has talked to his ex about giving their relationship another shot! He just told me how he was going to come be with me 2 days ago, how can everything change in 2 days? He has done this multiple times. He will move with me and then after a few months, because I am not acting right and I am pushing him away”, he will go back to her. he even got me to move to another state, where he is now living with her, he moved in with me and left her again. But after months of feeling like he was seeing her on the side, I left and came back home. He was so upset he drove all the way from Colorado to Texas to get me back and I said no. So he drives back and moves back in with her, but continues to call me and say they are not together just living together for the kids. That he wants to be with me. And throughout this entire past year, he proceeds to make promises to be with me and leave her, he comes to see me and then turns around and gets angry with me about something (most of them time I don’t understand what), and then says it wont work and he is staying with her. This time was the worse. Every other time he just said it would not work, and we were over, but this time he said He asked her to try again in their relationship. I guess to make sure I got the message that he doesn’t want me anymore.
I just don’t understand why I kept going back to him, or even why she does. He treats me so badly. He makes me feel like I am the love of his life. He has even said that, “that he has never really loved anyone until me.” And I actually believed him. I actually left my marriage for him. Now he has everything with her, and my life is in shambles. I hate the most that he didn’t even have the decency to call me and tell me, he texted! who does that? He said it would be to hard right now to talk to me. I don’t know how to cope with this anymore, I can’t keep doing this, I feel so depressed, I don’t even understand who I am anymore. Sometimes I think I will never love or be loved by anyone else again. I just don’t know what to do anymore
Penny