Narcissist Abuse & Giving Up Our Need for Closure

closureFor a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

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That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and he destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as he walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. He simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and he’ll always get the last word (even if that means he leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. His entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and he can play the Pretender to five targets at once if he has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering his way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

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You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate.  The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for his return than accept the fact that he only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

[updated post – 10/06/14]

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  • Knight

    April 28, 2017 at 6:10 pm Reply

    Lol.. This is so true tbh. I mean my n is my “mother” not a partner but it works the same way. I wanted a mother! And I nearly killed myself trying to make that happen. She devalued and discarded me long ago. I still live with her (fuck me) so it was especially painful. She had never been there for me my entire life. Either neglected or smothered and controlled. But always abused. It felt so incredibly terrible because in my time of most need, she just up and left. She would go on months (like 8 months) long vacations to visit her new supply (long story on who that is). And I was always ignored and a complete bother to her. My depression and other issues were an inconvenience for her and when I needed emotional support or just a parent in general, she was nowhere to be found.

    I hated her. I hated her for taking away my family and friends. I hated her for taking away my only means of coping (the internet) with all the bullshit that was happening to me. I hated her for not loving me. I hated her for always yelling at me and having no compassion or understanding for my problems. I hated her for not comforting me when I was sad/scared/broken. I FUCKING HATE HER. But I wanted my fucking revenge. I wanted what she owed me. I wanted a mother. And so instead of leaving I stayed. I tried to get back the loving mother I thought I had. I thought she was mad at me. I thought I had hurt her. I apologized. I tried to make amends. The more I tried the more she hurt me.

    She never really gave 2 shits about me until I started caring about having a relationship with her (bad idea, I know). She went from complete indifference to absolute pure hate, back to complete indifference. It took me to the verge of suicide. I reached out for help to my “family” but no one gave a fuck. I could have told them I have cancer and they would have been like “I’m sorry for your loss”. My “family” is rich btw and definitely has the money to help me move out from an abusive situation. But they just don’t care. Or even worse, they probably have already been poisoned by nmother’s lies. They probably think I am insane and I am the problem and have been told not to give me a single dime because I “just use people” or whatever insane shit nmother told them.

    So yeah. I wanted closure and it nearly destroyed me. Actually. It did destroy me. But turns out you can be both completely destroyed and also still alive. Woo…. Anyway. I had a conversation with nmother recently in which she basically told me she will never give me what I’m looking for. She will never apologize. She doesn’t want to talk about the past. She doesn’t want to hear about my feelings. She doesn’t care. All my life she had been telling me this. But I just didn’t hear it clearly because it was hidden under the ” I LOVE YOU” and “I care about you”: and “I’m sorry, I know I hurt you, I’m going to change”. For the longest time, I really believe it was true. Really thought she did love me, she was just all kinds of fucked up and needed help. I tried to help her. To “fix” her. To get her to get help. But none of it worked. Because she doesn’t actually want to change. She never did. She would always say to me “well if you don’t like it you can leave”. Translation: “either you take the crumbs I give you or you can have nothing.” I didn’t want nothing. But I didn’t want crumbs either. I wanted better. I deserved better. But she made her position very clear. And not once in 27 years has she ever compromised. It has always been her and what she wants. And then what everyone else wants. And me last. Because fuck me.

    In our most recent attempt at a “heart-to-heart” conversation, she told me: “So you’re saying you cannot live or move on with your life until you get from me what you are looking for? And if I don’t give it to you? You’re just going to fall apart again? I can’t give you what you’re looking for. You need to find a way to live with that.” So there it was. Like it had always been. Plain as can be. Clear as day. “I will never love you. I will never be the mother you want or need. Stop fucking bothering me about it and just go away already.”

    And the worst part, she acts, and truly makes it seem, as if me needing or wanting anything at all from my “mother” is a terrible thing. Like how dare I. Like I shouldn’t. Like somehow that’s not normal. ????


    • Zari Ballard

      May 8, 2017 at 3:19 pm Reply

      Hi Knight,

      Okay…wait now…I got your first post and responded but THIS one gave me way more insight into your situation. I think I see what is happening here. My friend, you need to find a way to move out of there. I actually feel that on your last “heart to heart”, your mom was completely honest and it’s time for you to move on. The result, I’m thinking, would be surprising and I’ll explain this in a minute. You have stayed in that house for all the wrong reasons and it, if anything, as pushed her further away (as it would do with any narcissist!). Unfortunately, the more we want them, the more they don’t want us. You stayed both to punish her for being such a bad mom all those years and also in hopes that she would suddenly snap out of it and give you what you wanted but the truth is that you can’t do/have both. Do you understand that? I am so glad that you reiterated your conversation because I get it now. Look, narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit and that’s the bottom line but I see something different here. If your mom was, say, your girlfriend, she would have kicked you out ages ago no matter how bad you felt and she would have screamed the words “I never loved you” as the door shut just to dig the knife in. By the conversation, Your mom KNOWS you are there to punish her, to be her daily conscience, to remind her everyday what a bad mother she’s been yet she apparently hasn’t booted you to the curb and locked the door. Why do you think that is? You’d think she would have done that given the fact that even a “normal” mother isn’t under any technical obligation to shelter a 27 year old son – let alone one who so obviously HATES her – under her own roof. Do you get that? Think about this.

      If what you really want in this life is a “relationship” with your mom, you have got to leave that house. I honestly feel that THIS is what she is trying to tell you. It’s time to start your own life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that she could EVER be the mother that you imagine in your mind but My God, this situation is obviously not working and, therefore, you have nothing to lose by changing it up. I’d be willing to bet that if you suddenly got your shit together and moved out, there would be a change, however small, in how she behaves as your mother. In fact, I guarantee it. There’s something about the fact that she allows you to stay there even though she knows you hate her and that much of this is about punishment that makes me think putting space between her and you may just change this around to a point where you might actually get some resolve. At the very least, it would allow you to move on. I’m sorry but you moving out is only a win-win and you’ve got to do it. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that if you continue to stay there indefinitely, I’d have to start shifting the blame to your end because MOVING OUT is the ONLY WAY that your relationship with her would change FOR THE BETTER.

      Like I said in my first response, you can write me using the Contact Me page and I’ll gladly talk via email. I want you to understand what I’m saying because, based on what you’ve shared, I’d be willing to bet money on my theory.


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