For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.
As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!
That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and he destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!
Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as he walks away is not going to be an option – ever.
What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!
The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. He simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and he’ll always get the last word (even if that means he leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. His entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and he can play the Pretender to five targets at once if he has to. All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering his way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!
I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???
(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)
You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for his return than accept the fact that he only returns to ensure our unhappiness.
The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.
[updated post – 10/06/14]