Narcissist Abuse & Giving Up Our Need for Closure

closureFor a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

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That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and he destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as he walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. He simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and he’ll always get the last word (even if that means he leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. His entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and he can play the Pretender to five targets at once if he has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering his way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

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You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate.  The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for his return than accept the fact that he only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

[updated post – 10/06/14]

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  • Donna

    January 30, 2017 at 12:33 pm Reply

    I have been married for 31 years. It has been a roller coaster ride leaving me lonely even though my husband is still here. I am still not sure what is the true issue but many of your comments ring true. I read some where that childhood neglect can cause narcissistic behavior. Is there any hope for those who where abused/abandoned who now fear a loss of control and therefore try to keep control. He demonstrates a lack of responsibility, the blame game (if only you), lack of empathy toward me yet others think he is a charming and a wonderful person. I am fearful of letting others know as my attempts in the past have led to worse behavior. I do love him and my problem is I don’t want to leave. I have a deep sense of moral conviction to my marriage, yet I desire to be loved. Am I really dealing with a Narcissist? I have reached out to a couple of sources but they books I received miss the issues. What is the root cause, DNA makeup, chemical imbalance, social influences (abuse), what? I just asked him to go see his doctor, but I fear it may only give him more reason to mistrust any form of help.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 5, 2017 at 8:14 pm Reply

      Hi Donna,

      I appreciate your moral conviction to marriage and you’re obviously a very compassionate person…. But girl, 31 years is far too long to suffer at the hands of ANYONE with a narcissistic personality. Why do you mention the moral conviction but then say “yet I desire to be loved” as if one should be despite the other? YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. If this man hasn’t made you feel loved by now, he will never do it. I don’t personally care WHY he is what he is. HE IS A GROWN MAN. Make no mistake about it, narcissists KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. They just don’t give a shit. You are fighting a losing battle. Compassion is fine if you are extending it to someone who knows they need help. Narcissists don’t think they have done anything wrong and therefore can NOT be fixed with love, therapy, or any magic pill. I lost my sympathy for the childhood problems of narcs long ago. He obviously doesn’t care that you suffer and you can’t make the rest of your life about HIS because the truth is that he doesn’t suffer. He will go to his grave thinking YOU were the problem so why try to fix that?

      Now, having said all that, there have been times where I have spoken on the phone with clients only to tell them at the end that, although this person may be a jerk, he/she probably isn’t a narcissist. It hasn’t happened often but once in a while it will. The truth is that by the time people find their way to me or my website, it’s pretty clear they know already who and what they’ve been dealing with. If you’d like to talk about it at length where you can fill me in the details, please book some time with me to do that. I’d be happy to help:)

      Zari xo

  • Rosie

    August 15, 2016 at 7:45 am Reply

    Zari, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your blunt, no -nonsense approach to dealing with this subject, if there is one thing that doesn’t deserve to be sugar coated it’s a narcissist! I so wish I had known about all this 8 months ago, when I was dropped like a hot potato. I was absolutely bewildered. At the start of the relationship I went through the love bombing, then the future faking, etc. It all happened in the classic order. I had no idea what was happening, I knew something was off but was so determined to try to make the relationship work. I had told this man that I have been hurt in the past but was going to take a chance on him and really just give him my heart, he promised me he would never hurt me and that he would love me as no one ever had before, that I was his soulmate . Awww. Well we all know how that turned out, don’t we? He proceeded to chew my heart up like a pitbull with a porkchop. Two years later he dumped me by text the first of this year, two days later he was on the dating sites. And I am sorry to say this was not our first breakup, ( but By God will be our last!) but the sixth time he broke up with me, (once in the parking lot of the couples therapist he insisted we go see) Each time he told me he broke up with me to teach me a lesson. And I kept going back for more, that is something I am not proud of. I still have no idea why I thought so little of myself and didn’t realize I deserved so much better. I have suffered for 7 months, wondering why, what, how??? Then a miracle, I googled some of his behaviors and statements he had said to me and found this website, and then I finally had my answers! And also, it has turned out, my closure. So Thank You, Zari from the bottom of my heart! I had thought all this time it was all my fault! (of course that’s what Mr. Un-Wonderful informed me) He even had the nerve to send me a mushy Valentine’s Day Card! His head is truly up his butt, where it belongs. I went no contact in March, have ignored the birthday card, the stupid texts, so at least I can be proud of that. I just want to tell all you good people going through this it does get better, and the best advice I can give you is not to look at your ex’s facebook page, I was doing that up to two months ago then quit, it has helped so much. What you can’t see can’t hurt you. Best of luck to all of you, and may we all stay strong! Keep the faith!

    • Zari Ballard

      August 21, 2016 at 11:59 pm Reply

      Hi Rosie,

      I’m grateful that you found your way to my blog when you did! Nope, it’s not your fault and there’s an entire community here that would be more than happy to confirm that for you. Stick with No Contact and it will keep you flying like a free bird. Life is too short for this bullshit and we have no more time to waste:)

      Stay strong, my sister!

      Zari xo

  • Kay

    July 29, 2016 at 10:07 am Reply

    Please help me. I think he’s a narcissist but I don’t know. All I know is I’ve give my money my time my soul to this person and he still gives no fig to my feelings. I’m too old to start again. I’d be better off dead

    • Zari Ballard

      August 8, 2016 at 1:49 pm Reply

      Hi Kay,

      I can’t help you if I don’t know the story. No one is too old to start over (even though God knows we are all feeling that way) and you are NEVER better off dead. You can write me here with your story or you can book a consultation so we can talk but please tell more so I know how to guide you. I’m here to support you….


  • Layla

    June 3, 2016 at 1:38 pm Reply

    Wow. You can’t know how much this article just helped me. It’s the ONLY thing that has given me hope since my N left without a word. One day he was writing me love notes and telling me how he wants to be with me forever and the next day he was gone with no reason. He wouldn’t talk to me and what little he did say was blaming me for everything. Now I know it’s on HIM and that I did nothing wrong. What a great relief that is!! THANK YOU THANK YOU for writing this article. It just may have saved my life!

    • Zari Ballard

      June 4, 2016 at 12:54 am Reply

      Hi Layla,

      Always glad to help. If you can, check out my book When Love Is a Lie. It’s a cheap and easy to read download from Amazon and – oh boy – it will resonate. You might as well erase my name off the cover and add yours to it. Mine would come and go – seduce and discard – until it almost wrecked me. Believe me, it was never you.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Julie

    March 21, 2016 at 9:40 am Reply

    I’ve recently tried very hard with ex for the no contact, however he has a car of mine on his property. Two weeks after the end of the relationship he texted me saying he’s trying everything he can with other woman to just get by cause he still loved me, when I didn’t return that love cause I finally knew what he was he immediately had the car impounded and denied having done it, and said I had my chance and called me horrible things. Our very last words weren’t great but I expected that, in the end he called me the crazy one and that I needed help. Since, I have blocked him from contacting me, but he will always find a way which scares me because he’s unpredictable and I want him 100% out of my life.

  • Deanna Sadler

    November 24, 2014 at 6:36 am Reply

    Oh my goodness I just read this article and I cannot believe it, this is me waiting for my closure i use to tell my Narc that I was not going anywhere when he would get mad at me and tell me he was going to get rid of my ass when something did not go his way. I would literally tell him that I was not going anywhere, after all I thought I was the only one after 16 years but as I have stated i just found out that all this time i as dealing with an evil man that I looked up to. Yes I wanted revenge and though so many times how could I get it. This hits home and yes I will read this over and over everything in italics stated in this article I have lived. Silent treatments abuse you name it I have lived it. It is a terrible feeling when you sit hours days weeks and years wondering how to get back at this evilness (the narc). I know hate is a strong word but that is what i feel right now because I am pissed because I know what there will never be closure after reading this NEVER.


    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2014 at 1:15 am Reply

      Hi Deanna,

      So sorry for the delay in responding. I’m getting far behind in my letter-writing these days….the holidays bring on the blues for so many and there’s so much emotion. Look, I know the “closure” issue is a tough one. Don’t think that I don’t think about it here and there when I have too much TIME to think because I do. It wasn’t until I realized that 1) it didn’t exist, and 2) it was all about revenge that I was able to get clarity about it.

      And “hate” isn’t a strong word…not in these cases. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way. When you’re with someone for that length of time, you expect that they have the same respect for the relationship history as you do. At least, you HOPE they do and that’s why the two of you are together. In normal relationships, this is true but as you know there is nothing normal about any time spent with a narcissist. So, allow yourself to feel whatever you want to feel and just know that time will take care of the rest. You have a right to be angry and to grieve for the time lost. As long as you keep moving forward (important part), you will come out then other side. It’s all we can do, sister.

      You’re going to be okay……

      Zari xo

      • Deanna Sadler

        December 3, 2014 at 3:53 am Reply

        Hi Zari,

        Coming back after the Thanksgiving holiday. I am still moving forward and have not heard from the N because he is blocked from my phone and cannot text me. Yes I think about him but I know that I am not missing a thing at all but the abuse which I do not need. I am so happy that I found your site. I cry less, in fact I haven’t cried in awhile not sure what that means. Loneliness has kicked in but I know I will be okay.

        Thank you so very much for your support and I am continuing to be here on your site as I know I am not completely healed from all this drama even though it is SO VERY quite in my life right now. I know that he is gone forever and after 16 years that GREAT for me. I just want my mind not to think on it so much.

        You are my support system and I appreciate you more than you will ever know. I never knew that I could even get to this point in my life. Thank you and I am continuing my journey with you and everyone out here going through what we have been through together.

        Thank you my sister for all your support and the continuing encouragement.!


        • Zari Ballard

          December 5, 2014 at 12:53 am Reply

          Deanna wrote...Yes I think about him but I know that I am not missing a thing at all but the abuse which I do not need. I am so happy that I found your site. I cry less, in fact I haven’t cried in awhile not sure what that means. Loneliness has kicked in but I know I will be okay.

          Yes, you WILL be okay, my dear friend! I can feel it from your words that you are healing…that clarity has come. Stay the course and refer to what you know when those feelings come. It’s all about re-training our brains back to normalcy from years of conditioning and that’s no easy task. You know that as long as you need me, I’ll be here. I’m in it to win it with you no matter how long this journey!

          Zari xxoo

  • Xena

    November 21, 2014 at 3:37 pm Reply

    I LOVE the text in italic letters about closure. That’s exactly me! I laughed to hard! This was eye opening. Thank you a lot.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 24, 2014 at 3:07 am Reply

      Hi Xena,

      Your welcome and I’m glad you had a good laugh! Sometimes when we see our lives in print, it gives us clarity as to what we REALLY want (and we both know what that is!). Stay strong and write anytime!

      Zari xo

  • Kristin

    October 24, 2014 at 8:44 pm Reply

    Zari ~ Just finished reading your thought provoking “Stop Spinning…” book in one sitting. I have been processing how to understand my N for the past few months. First I had to decide if he was N, P, or S. Grateful he’s a N for some strange reason. Probably because he doesn’t have the murderous intent , calculated (P) or impulsive (S), that the psychological field professes. I love all your book , most especially the revenge aspect which is why I chose this thread to post on. I have a degree in behavioral psychology so much of the N behavior & how it has conditioned me is utterly amazing and of course, equally hurtful. I remain in the relationship as an “observer that doesn’t absorb”, using Dr. Ross Rosenberg’s technique. Which is working quite well as our last ST was a year during which I got much stronger, recognizing I had to work on my codependency issues. Getting back to your revenge insight, I totally agree and have been doing this in the few months of our getting back together. I think it’s my analytical nature and being thoroughly mesmerized at how these anti-social beings operate. I have no idea where I am in his circle, the main woman again or just a discard to play with to make the new OW jealous. I don’t care after 4 years of this relationship where I was even engaged to him for 2 years. Did keep the ring… I have this need to prove to myself that any devalueing/discarding/ST behaviors that he pulls on me will be my revenge as I won’t care when it happens this time. And this will be the ultimate deal breaker that you also describe at the end of your book. I’m a widow who had a very loving husband for several years and am over fifty so I think my revenge which shouldn’t take more than a few more weeks is tenable. I wasted 4 years with this man and want just a wee bit of revenge even if it won’t phase him a bit. Plus, my analytical side wants to see how this critter plays his last game with me.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 31, 2014 at 2:57 am Reply

      Hi Kristin,

      I apologize it has taken me so long to respond. Thank you for sharing and for reading my books. I imagine having a degree in behavioral psychology must put your perception of the N’s atrocious antics at an entirely new mind-boggling level!!! LOL It never ceases to amaze me how narcissists manage to sink their hooks into victims who are highly intelligent, educated, and savvy. This only proves to me how good they are at what they do and how very deliberate.

      As you probably know by reading the books, I stayed with my N four long years AFTER I already knew what he was. I, too, stayed just to see how it played out and how well I could predict his each and every next move. The fact that I was at 100% by the end was creepy indeed. I had this guy’s shit SO down that I started to wonder if maybe he was reading MY mind and not the other way around. LOL To me, the fact that the characteristics of this “disorder” are as complex as they are simplistic has much to do with how we end up stuck in the quagmire!

      I’m not going to lecture on the revenge factor (how a narcissist’s revenge on YOUR revenge will always be worse!) because it sounds like you’re in a fairly detached place and can handle it. That being so, I’m just going to say “Go for it and let me know how it works out!! I’m on your side!!” LOL

      Thank you again for sharing and I would love it if you’d leave reviews on Amazon for the books when you have a minute. Would be most appreciative!

      Stay strong and write anytime!

      Zari xxo

      • Kristin

        October 31, 2014 at 6:03 pm Reply

        Thanks Zari for the reply. The detached and observing technique is working thus far. I’m just not sure why I want to bother w/the relationship at all. Maybe it will fade out easily at this point. I will keep you posted. hug, Kristin

        • Zari Ballard

          November 2, 2014 at 12:07 am Reply

          Hi Kristin,

          I know you can do it…never give up!:)

          Hugs Back,

      • Kristin

        November 14, 2014 at 10:53 pm Reply

        Hi Zari ~ My ex fiancé spent 12 days w/me while I did my “observe don’t absorb” technique. We had great times but I did decide that after over a year of him not wanting to see me it was time to give back the engagement ring. I had held it w/the hopes that he wasn’t an N or perhaps a BPD, some type of anti-social personality disorder, but at the end of this time I realized that there is some type of dysfunction happening. I also realize that I have some of my own issues that need resolving, specifically codependence. I gave him the ring back halfway through the visit and feel this was the crucial step for me to move on. Amazingly he had to say that he would sell the ring and spend some of it on a vacation for both of us, He left with a positive attitude but when he returned to his home 2 hours away he turned into his “glad to be back home and not missing you”. I gave him back the same lack of affection and have not heard from him for a week as of this writing . My last phone call was short and very upbeat, totally about my joyful life so he would know I can be totally happy on my own. That is not revenge just moving on.
        Also, I just met an amazing man who is spiritual and has so many traits and values that I want in a man. He is open to a friendship or more, wherever it leads. I think that returning the ring signified cutting the cords of our material, sexual, and codependent attachment for me. Thanks again for your book. hugs, KristinI

        • Zari Ballard

          November 18, 2014 at 7:09 am Reply

          Hi Kristin,

          Thanks for the update and I agree that returning the ring was not only the best thing to do but also symbolic of your own ongoing mental recovery. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that you made the right choice. Since he’s already 2 hours away, I would block him and cut him off at every angle from being able to contact you. There’s no way that you can stay friends. Right now, YOU are in control, having gotten the last word but it can easily be flipped in the blink of an eye as we all know. Block him every which way but loose and chances are good it won’t happen.

          And, I’m only saying this because I have to, but be careful about jumping into another relationship on the rebound. In as much as it feels good right now, it’s very common to wake up a week from now (after not hearing from you-know-who) with that knot in your stomach that you still have to deal with and now you have this new guy and what a mess it all turns out to be. I’m not saying not to have fun (because I want you to have that!)…I’m just saying for you to be aware of everything and not to let your feelings get all jumbled up while you try to get over the narc. It’s really easy to do and it often leads to the set-back and we don’t want that. I’m glad he lives at least 2 hours away!!!

          Don’t forget to leave a review for the book on Amazon if you haven’t already…would be most appreciated! Keep me updated, sister:)

          Zari xxoo

          • Kristin

            November 18, 2014 at 4:18 pm

            Thanks Zari for your loving feedback. The new man in my life realizes I may be only ready for a friendship, nothing more. He has other platonic female friends also. I’ve been reading a lot more about the sexual behaviors of the N which has fueled my realization that his clandestine behaviors make NC the best therapy for me. I guess I was very lucky I never got any SDT’s, etc the entire 4 years. Since I have a full year of NC, then a few short visits the past few months for him to spin his preposterous stories , I think I just have to be strong about realizing this man is primarily a sexual predator who is deteriorating emotionally and physically. This last visit he tried to sabotage me financially which I didn’t fall for and spewed more unjustified negativity about my dog so I have those incidents to remember when I think I miss him. Yes, the aching caused by the N’s intermittent conditioning using oxytocin, peptides, endorphines,( whatever the chemical combinations
            were ) still pop up ,but now I purposely exchange these negative memories w/thoughts about my late husband and our wonderful life together. I did leave a positive book review on Amazon for you. Thanks for all you do, Kristin

          • Zari Ballard

            November 18, 2014 at 9:31 pm

            Hi Kristin,

            I’m just happy to know that you know, that’s all. And I hear you on the STD…me too (I guess we dodged the bullet in that area, thank God). Yes, replace the negative…play the game of Postpone & Pretend (nostalgic sadness can always be postponed 24 hours – and then ANOTHER 24 and so forth – and we CAN simply pretend all is okay). It’s all about re-training the brain, girl, and I know you can do it!

            And thank you so much for the review!!:)

            Zari xo

          • Kristin

            November 24, 2014 at 5:15 pm

            Hi Zari ~ I was just reading some other posts and noticed the three some agenda that many N’s include in their sex games. Mine did that through imagination and wishful thinking throughout the first 3 years of our relationship. He never found someone to do a three some but sure did like to bring it up a lot. I didn’t find it stimulating myself so when I saw him again after the one year NC, I had requested only loving sex, no more three some fantasies or porn sex which had included porn movies, sex toys and degrading “pillow talk” ; i.e., whore dog, slut, etc.. Amazingly, he didn’t need his ED pills anymore which he had needed off and on throughout the relationship. This just added to my knowing that he was even using his pretend ED to add to the game playing. God knows what his mind was contriving as I was just thinking he’s in his late 60’s and needs help. Also, when he returned after a NC, he’d say “you lose it if you don’t use it” which must have been a major part of his sexual games repetoire, pretending he’d been celibate the entire time he was away from me. Obviously, you should be eager for sex after that length of time which I would never contest. I never started any arguments when red flags would present themselves. Once I started finding out about N’s and their behaviors I knew I had to distance myself from him for my own well being. I continue to reread books like yours Zari on the days I’m obsessing or feeling hopeless as it helps considerably. The holidays will be difficult this year but I do have lots of friends, not my family unfortunately, who understand and are helping me keep busy. Thanks again for all you do, Zari. hugs, Kristin

          • Zari Ballard

            November 25, 2014 at 12:02 am

            Hi Kristin,

            Sister, when memories of narcs are involved, holidays are always tough so stay surrounded by only those who know care about your well-being. Your descriptions of your N sting because bits and pieces match the behaviors of my own. Initially, the games seem so complex and then we figure them out and it’s nothing but evil bullshit. What empty souls these creatures are – good riddance to both to both yours and mine this holiday season!!! We’re free, sister, and there’s a new year a’comin’!

            Stay strong and always check in to keep me updated!

            Zari xo

  • Zari Ballard

    October 10, 2014 at 5:35 am Reply

    A reader wrote….

    AAAHHHH!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Your words are like balm on my wounds. Truly great writing and so true. So true.
    I recently said to the guy in question, ( the last part of it )in fact, i wrote it in a fb chat : “I think its about time we get the hell out of each others lives , its not because we had some quite nice sex that we have to stay in contact for the rest of our lives , no ? ”
    – I dont understand why you seem so bitter with me?
    All i did was to ask if we could meet …
    ( Ahrghhh! the guy just hadn’t given me a sign of life for over 5 months,
    and of course, it wasn’t the first time. THE silent treatment. In fact, he contacted me 3 times, asking for a meeting and bla bla bla and then when i agreed, didn’t contact me about it again, just to show up again a couple of weeks later like as nothing ….
    Ohh, he broke me in pieces!!! )

    Then he asks: are you done with me?
    I said : Hey, you were done with me way before I even thought that was an option.
    I think WE are done.

    His answer “: I was never done with you…I dont understand your issue with me.
    This makes me so sad. It makes me so sad to realize how little I mean to you.
    Really, i was never done with you but i respect your wishes.”
    Before I had the time to answer his words, he blocked me on his face book.
    Goodbye, Au revoir. 2 years of twisted non relation relationship is over.
    Yes, I wanted it to end.
    I realized it would never change…Such an anticlimax…so frustrating and time wasting and so much sadness…
    Haha, he needed the last word of course ! Damn, like to make me feel im missing out on something possible with him, but i can’t have it and its my own fault!
    He’s such a child , he showed me his emotional immaturity many times and it did quite surprise me in the beginning as he’s a quite great and well known performer and intellectual.
    I might seem a bit happy and big mouthed about all this today but, no, im not.
    Im very sad about all this but i do feel relief , at last .
    It was all about feeling unworthy and sad and being stupid for still being in there.
    Well, its over. IT IS OVER. Thank you so much for your helpful words.

    My Reply:

    Thank you for sharing and for visiting my website. The back and forth you describe and the words used….exactly a mirror of my own 13-year hell. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. You will see yourself on every page and it will give you empowerment.

    Do not feel stupid OR unworthy. It was NEVER you. There’s nothing wrong in expecting the person that we love, that we’re supposedly in a relationship with…to love us back and to treat us with the respect that we deserve. This is normal interaction…but as we know, there is absolutely NOTHING normal about a relationship with a narcissist. If there’s a way to hurt us, he finds it; if there’s a boundary, he’ll cross it; if it has anything to do with our heart, he’ll break it. he is incapable of anything else and therefore, he must go.

    Stay strong, keep reading (please do get my books), and let me know how you are doing! You are not alone in the fight!

    Zari xxoo

  • Toya

    December 13, 2013 at 1:05 am Reply

    WOOOOOWWW!!!! I’m going through this very thing with the N that just walked out of my life for his now married ex!!! He is in and out of prison. He is currently on parole, and NOT LIVING where he is supposed to be living because he is now living with her. Get this!! Her legal husband is in prison….ON A PAROLE VIOLATION!! But he and I have been on this roller coaster for 20 years now. We were 15 when we met in High School. He is such a charmer…AT FIRST. Well he’d get me all in love with him and then the disrespectful behaviors would start. At first it was only name calling and airing out embarrassing personal details about our sex life. So I walked away from him for 5 years. I had no clue where he was and I saw one of his friends and asked about him….he was home sweet home (prison). I tossed and turned about writing him since it had been 5 years and I thought surely he had changed (being back in prison should have been a dead give away that he hadn’t). So I wrote him and he immediately turned on the charm. He made endless promises t get a job, go back to college, and marry me. He was released in 04/2012….he came to live with me 07/2012. Everything was wonderful until about Sept. His bday is Sept 7 and I got celebrate with him on Sept 8…WHY??!! he spent the night out of the house for his bday with another woman who happily posted their pics on FB with his permission because he knew that my page was deactivated and I wouldn’t see them. Then in Nov…he was with the same chic and he they were trying t have a baby….WELL he was trying with me also and was even mad that I had been on birth control for quite sometime so we weren’t successful…THANK GOD!! that’s when the savage beating started. He leave and stay gone on the weekends but not before causing a completely out of the blue fight of course. When he returned on Monday it was “baby I missed you so much!!” I could really tell he di by the fact that he NEVER called…lol!! Fast forward to Mother’s Day 2013 when yet another one of his freaks knocks at my door and when I open it she says ‘here’s your husband” and boldly walks away. he would be seen 2 weeks later back at my house with the same stank…ONLY I WAS AT WORK!!! He admitted to having sex with her in my house and balled like a baby when I told him to get out. He made promises that he’d die for me, he loved me more than life, I completed him…and when I didn’t listen….the beating came!! I hid several savage beatings, some that took place as my sons 7 & 8 years old stood and watched. Well Oct 15, he was caught with drugs….WHILEON PAROLE and arrested. Of course he calls me with the sad sappy story about what happened. I found out that he was with the same stank from Mother’s Day when he got busted. he asks me to bond him out and proceeded to tell me that if I loved him like I sad I really really did, then I would. Then the genius tells me he going to jump the bond in the same sentence. Uuuhhh HELL NO!! So he gets the married stank to put her name on his bond and guess what…he was saint!! He refused to run on her bond for him and a week before Halloween he left the house saying “baby im going to visit mama, I’ll be back” he never came back. I found out on FB that he and her were now living together because they posted pics on FB again and now he’s telling people that I made him unhappy, nagged and bitched all the time, and that I was never happy…..YA THINK!!?? He is dragging my name through the mud and then tells me 12/09/2013 that im forever his and that he can screw me and be with me whenever he wants and there is nothing I can or will do about it!! HAAAHHAAAA Guess I got he last laugh when he found out my new boo was at the house….he was PISSED and now gives me the silent treatment!!! Goodbye and Good Riddings……..

    • Zari

      December 13, 2013 at 8:14 am Reply

      Wow Toya…if that isn’t to hell and back, I don’t know what is! These guys are simply useless fuckheads (excuse my language but every time I sit here trying to think of a description that that doesn’t have the “f” word in it, I realize there isn’t any). And dangerous fuckheads to boot. I’m glad that you have stayed away and that your name wasn’t on that bond. Let her deal with his garbage and his beatings. Eventually, when his smear campaign about you fades, she can have a round with that too. Twenty years is such a long time….just goes to show that, if we allow it, these nutcases will haunt us until the end of time. Keep doing what you’re doing and thank you for sharing….



      • Toya

        December 13, 2013 at 10:40 pm Reply

        Oh that’s not even HALF of what he has put me through…..I just skimmed the surface. His last attack was Monday 12/09/2013 he was picking up the remainder of his belongings. I opened the door and they were sitting at the door. All he had to do was bend down and get them and walk away. My son called my name and distracted me and he attacked!! That was about 7:30 that evening. Earlier that day in the early morning hours he asked if we could have break up sex one last time and was serious!!! I told him hell no, he is now her mistress….YES HE IS THE MMISTRESS because she is legally married to another prisoner…and that he should get his fix from her!!! He threw it in his face that he was living and sleeping in another man’s house and he says “Are you that stupid??!! Do you really think I give a fuck about another man’s bitch??!!… long as I get full another man’s pork chop will do the same as my own!!” Well I don’t feel sorry for her at all…..He’s on a dating website called…..his user name is Dinky4406…..check him out if you want a good laugh!!! As long as she allows him to drive her car daily, he’ll stay….when she says no, he’ll treat her like crap…..AGAIN!!!

        • Zari

          December 17, 2013 at 12:37 am Reply

          Girl, you make me chuckle. He might be a tough guy but you sound pretty tough yourself! Seriously, this dude is a ticking time bomb…nothing but bad, bad news. I hope it works out for her (NOT!) And I will check him out, by the way, on DH…thanks for the information tidbit:)


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