Let’s talk about narcissists and addiction since we tend to give narcissists a free pass on many things…alcohol, drugs, cheating…because the poor things just can’t help it. As usual, I have my own perhaps unconventional theory about this but, believe me, it’s taken me a few years to come to it and I base it on all the stories from people I’ve spoken with and also my own experience with a narcissist and my theory is this: narcissists CAN’T be addicts because they can’t become attached to anything. We can’t have it both ways. We can’t make the claim that narcissists can’t become attached to people (and this is why they don’t “love” us) and at the same time call them alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts. This doesn’t make any sense to me.
The good news, relative to my theory, is two fold: 1) we can stop giving narcissists what I call the Jesus Pass (forgive them for they know not what they do) because a narcissist knows EXACTLY what he or she is doing, drunk/high or not (a narcissist knows right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit), and 2) we don’t have to feel bad that we couldn’t sober them up when they appear to be sober with the next person. If he or she is nothing else, a narcissist is a chameleon and he/she will be addicted or not addicted according to the immediate situation. If a narcissist can manipulate a person in the expert fashion that they do, it seems logical that they can manipulate addictions as well. Everything in a narcissist’s life is self-serving and a means to an end. This we already know.
I really began to think about the relationship between narcissists and drugs and alcohol when I started to see a pattern in the stories people were telling me during coaching sessions. One woman’s husband was a full-on narcissist who started doing heroin about five years in. You can imagine the nightmare this caused for the woman and also the amount of times his narcissistic behaviors were blamed on his “addiction”. Because EVERYONE knows how horrible a heroin addiction must be, she felt guilty about kicking him out and forgave him numerous affairs. It wasn’t until his well-paying job became jeopardized, though, that he decided to quit and quit he did – cold turkey – without one day of withdrawals. Not one! How is this even possible since heroin is one of the hardest drugs to quit due to the person’s physical – as well as psychological addiction to it? Could it be that narcissists don’t “feel” that kind of addiction – or attachment – to anything? Hmmm…
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Another woman who I still speak with has been married 27 years to a full-on narcissist. Both she and her husband had a history together of hard-drinking but she decided two years ago that it was time to stop and she did. It wasn’t easy, however, and she still goes to AA several times a week to keep herself in check. Her husband, however, continued to drink heavily and it was soon discovered that he had been having a three-year affair with a co-worker and she was naturally devastated. This is where I came into the picture.
It took me three months of talking to this woman before she gained the courage to ask for a divorce. In the meantime, the affair had ended but he continued to drink heavily and to blame the wife – and his drinking – for all of it. Like the previous story, it wasn’t until the narcissist lost his job that he put himself into rehab. And what a star of rehab he was! It was as if he’d gone on vacation and when he returned 30 days later, he was still a narcissist only now he was sober. He didn’t need AA and could have cared less if he ever drank again. Moreover, he became pompous about it and more narcissistic than before, condemning his wife about the fact that she still felt like she needed support, etc. Both of us were thinking…what the HELL is going on here?
My own ex-boyfriend narcissist of 12-years claimed to have a drug and alcohol problem and used this many, many times as the excuse for his behavior, silent treatments, and seasonal disappearances. Since, for the most part, I was engaging in the party, I also got blamed and used as his REASON for the above even though he was the one usually pushing the party. He would say “Come on, let’s do it!” and then, when all was said and done, he’d cry, “See what you made me do!” and off he’d go to wherever it was that he went.
What I did notice, though, was that my-ex could always just “quit” whenever he wanted (all the while claiming to be addicted) and I always thought this very strange. I also noticed that his quitting times seemed to be quite convenient and always coincided with whatever he had going on in his other life. I’m not saying he would lie about quitting because he really would “quit”…I’m just saying that he could do it on a dime, sometimes for months at a time, and then, one day, he would just start up again because “he felt like it” and the pattern would repeat without any real fanfare. While this may be the pattern of “normal” addicts (and I’ve known plenty), something about the way a narcissist does ANYTHING just feels contrived…and that’s almost always because IT IS.
I hear stories like this all the time and the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that OF COURSE a narcissist can simply “quit” their substance of choice and go on about their business…they’re narcissists. I also realized that narcissists always seem to have an “addiction” and they will always use this as their excuse to do whatever they want at the expense of others and to gain sympathy. They will also blame everyone else for his or her addiction even though, at many points, everyone else is more than willing to quit the party.
While normal addicts can certainly have narcissistic qualities because of an addiction they are not narcissists is the true sense of the word. A ‘normal’ addict does not typically have an easy road to recovery and he or she certainly can’t just quit on a dime after years of intoxication. There’s work to be done and narcissists – as I have heard and seen time and time again – do not have to work at recovery. In fact, they fly through it which tells me that these people truly are narcissists because narcissist are incapable of attaching – physically OR mentally – to any thing at all. Why should drugs or alcohol be any different? To me, this makes PERFECT sense.
So, when someone calls to say that their alcoholic narcissist boyfriend/girlfriend is suddenly in a sober relationship with someone else and why wasn’t he or she enough of a partner to keep him or her sober, I have to respond with because your partner’s a narcissist, that’s why. It’s not logical to think that a life-long hard core alcoholic can just quit cold turkey from one girlfriend or boyfriend to the next without having a single glitch whatsoever…it just isn’t. The narcissist FOOLS us by using the “the drinking make me do it” or “I just got too high – I’m so sorry!” excuse. He or she has been fooling us all along.
In a narcissist’s world, substance abuse becomes just another excuse for atrocious behavior. It’s possible that we, as the current partner, are nothing more than the party partner and the other partner is not…it’s as simple as that. I’m pretty sure I was the on/off party partner for 12-long years! Which partner we become at the beginning of the relationship is the luck of the draw. He might be sober with her and a drinker with us. That’s just the way it works. Once the narcissist puts us in a relationship category, there’s no way of getting out. Does that make the other partner or new partner any luckier than we were? Does that mean the narcissist is happy? No, because a narcissist is a narcissist and a narcissist never changes. A narcissist simply adapts his or her behaviors to the new relationship and strikes up another addiction to put in the infamous bag of lies and excuses. I’d even go so far as to say a sober narcissist is capable of being far more evil than a drunken one because he or she has a clearer head.
It’s twisted, I know but it is what it is. This is just my theory and I’m sticking to it…:)
Joanna S Ayres
May 22, 2019 at 1:26 pmHi Bleak,
Joanna here. I have done tons of phone sessions about my alcoholic narc. In fact a narc will do anything necessary to get there supply. If it’s alcohol they will tell you they want to marry you have kids and love bomb you. You become codependent just like we do w a narc when we are all out of money or had it with there narcissistic drunk foolishness or they
Are pissed we are out of money on to the next female they can drink with. Alcoholism is a disease npd is a dx meds and therapy can’t help they are God just like drunks. 80% of alcoholics never get clean as once again nothing is wrong state of denial. Most die drunks. Ever heard of a dry drunk I suggest you go on psychology today and read about addiction and narcs. Try dating a dry drunk good God now an even meaner narc. I myself have used that line and said she is not a therapist who is she to tell me what to do. I’ll tell you this every time I take her advice my life goes well when I use that mean line at her I’m booking again and apologizing profusely. Zari, since you are basically a celebrity let’s get you that l.c.s.w. degree if anyone can rock the mic it’s zari and rock the mic right. It’s her page I give you a Jesus pass father forgive her she knows not what she do.we forgive you bleak now I’m going to hustle to help zari get that license as I want to be a therapist as well. #rhodeislandstandup #teamzariballard
Andrew Nolen
May 20, 2019 at 5:46 amWhen I met my Narc, she was a full blown alcoholic, or so I thought. She would get stupid drunk. Not long after we met, she drank a whole 5th of Gentleman Jack at my company BBQ and acted an ass. I took her home and she physically assaulted me in front of my kids. Finally I got her in the house and she became violently ill, vomiting all night, It was one of the worst nights of my relationship with her. I told her it was me or the drinking. It was like she turned it off like she had a thermostat. This should have been a red flag to me. Normal folks just don’t turn off an addiction. She did and used it to her advantage, as she would want me to praise her for doing so well at controlling her alcohol intake and behavior. She fueled off of Pitty and Praise. I also found boxes of cigarettes when I helped her move out of her house and in with me. I only saw her smoke a cigarette twice in our relationship. She stopped cold turkey when she met me and for what reason I dont know, because I occasionally smoke. So I think Zari is very much on to something here.
bleak
March 27, 2019 at 10:54 pmOh, I beg to differ.
I appreciate your experience with narcissists in general and alcoholics and drug addicts peripherally but, from my experience as a real (and recovered for many years) alcoholic and drug addict, mind-altering substances (especially alcohol) do not discriminate between different types of psychological disorders. Period. In fact, the lowest common denominator of alcoholics is narcissism. Page 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.” And it is.
So what is the difference between an alcoholic in general and an alcoholic/narcissist? Not a damn thing and it only varies by degrees. Any real alcoholic will use any means at his or her disposal to live their chaotic and destructive life without the least bit of consideration for anyone, but again, with varying degrees of subterfuge. Isn’t that what a narcissist does? And the conniving manipulation of others is especially applicable to the real alcoholic. I know this from my experience and the experience of other alcoholics with whom I’ve recovered.
I’m reading your book, When Evil Is A Pretty Face, Zari. In it, you state that you are not doing a clinical analysis of narcissists and that your writing is based on your non-professional experience. That’s fine. My point is that because you are not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist, you (or anyone IMO) cannot draw a line and make the claim that a N can’t be a real alcoholic (or drug addict).
Another thing; there is a cure for the narcissism in alcoholics. The twelve steps of AA.
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 1:12 amHi bleak,
You can beg to differ, of course. I don’t know why you are calling me out because I clearly state that it was just my THEORY based on my experiences talking and corresponding with 1000’s of narcissist abuse victims where the narcissist was a substance abuser. I am not making any “claim” at all. Since this is my blog, I can post any theory I feel appropriate.
Another thing: a narcissistic personality can NEVER be cured and that’s a fact that any PROFESSIONAL will tell you. I assume when you say that “narcissism” is “cured” by the 12-steps, you speak of the BEHAVIORS which tend to be narcissistic in nature that cease to exist once an substance abuser stops abusing, right? This may be true but the narcissists that we talk about here on my blog and in my books remain the same whether they abuse a substance or not. The behaviors in a true narcissist continue and can not be cured.
Thanks for writing in…
Zari:)
Susan Christensen
January 22, 2019 at 2:14 amHi – Zari I do believe you have e real point there concerning Narcissists and their alcohol addiction. My (soon to be ex) husband of 34 years has all through the years and more so when he was younger – he is 72 now – been able to drink heavily for days at a time – and I mean really heavily – and he NEVER has hangovers and he can always stop drinking, no matter for how long a period he has been drinking, like cold turkey and never has withdrawal symptoms!! He is a workaholic and gets up at 3.30 am and even if he went to bed at say 11.00 pm really, really drunk to the point where he would be unable to talk, he would ALWAYS get out of bed on time the next morning and be able to drive to work and work hard for say 10 hours! Sometimes he had sober periods of a month or more and that didn’t bother him one bit. I have always wondered about this and I don’t know anybody who could do the same….P.S: I have just finished reading your book “When love is a lie”. It was a real eye-opener for me and even though I’ve been in this marriage 34 years I really didn’t know anything about this personality disorder. Well…I did know something was really off and my husband fits all the traits and I am in total disgust and amazement that I stayed in the marriage for so long…..In September my husband announced that he wanted a divorce and that he had found a new love. She is a young (married with two kids)employee in the firm where he is the boss. I was in total shock and hadn’t seen it coming. I cried for 2 months – I couldn’t eat – I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t think..A total mess. In November I started seeing a psychologist and she has helped me to stop crying and start to think straight. I did a bit of detective work and the affair has been going on for more than a year, but also he has been having sex with all sorts of dubious characters over many years..My goodness a wake-up call… So now I am searching to get knowledge about this Narcissist trait and apart from your marvellous book, I have read “Emotional Vampires” by Albert J. Bernstein and have been listening to various therapists on Youtube…Thanks to your enlightening words and the bit at the end of the book about “Stop spinning – start breathing” I do believe I will come out of this mess with my head up and my feet firmly on the ground. I am glad that I am 71 and not on the market for a new partner..I am afraid I would fall all over again for the same type of charming, unreliable SOB!
Thanks for being there and offering advice for us..
Best regards
Susan
Zari Ballard
February 7, 2019 at 1:28 pmHi Susan!
Thank you so much for writing in, for sharing your story (so sorry for all that happened!) and also for validating my theory on narcissists and substance abuse! Isn’t it the weirdest thing ever how they can start and quit, drink or do drugs and go to work, move beyond and even bypass the typical hangover,etc. Some people might contribute the ability to do this to simply being a so-called ‘functional addict’ but anyone who has ever been with a narcissistic partner/substance abuser knows it goes far beyond this. It is almost a SUPERHUMAN ability because even ‘normal addicts’ have limitations. Thus, my theory was born! I believe it all stems from a narcissist’s inability to ATTACH to absolutely ANYTHING…even a chemical!
I am grateful you are on a journey to discovery and if you ever need to talk about, I do provide consultations and would be happy to offer whatever insight I could into your situation. Hang on to that psychologist because if she has helped in any way, she’s a keeper! No one deserves to be emotionally abused or to be subjected to narcissistic shenanigans. Once we see through it…once we have the eye-opening moment, the path is there for us. We just have to put one foot ahead of the other to find our way out. I am coming out with a new book that talks all about the recovery and re-building what the narc tried so hard in the relationship to destroy so watch for it. It’s called Vacancy in the (Relationship) Rabbit Hole.
I wish you nothing but the best, sister! Enjoy your life and all the goodness it can bring to you….
Zari xo
Christopher Dunn
January 3, 2019 at 12:05 pmBeing with the a Narcissist is like sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised – you could waste your whole life sitting in front of it only to realise it’s nothing but a reflection of your heart’s desire
Gay Berg
November 21, 2018 at 7:10 pmThe bible talks about pseudo alcoholism. Yes I lived the fake drunk story 28 years.
mag
October 30, 2018 at 10:00 amAddictions are complicated. Because people are complicated and our brains are complicated. The best reasearched addiction is alcohol addiction. And even then there are several subtypes of addicted persons. Only very small number can stop addiction if they want – generally before they have biological dependence. So THC addiction is theoretically easier to stop than alcohol addiction, when you are motivated. Most of addicts have some type of personality disorder. So IMO saying that narcissist can stop if they really want is generalization. Big enough generalization that it is untrue. Thinking that you can stop addiction if you want is the fantasy about omnipotent control. Both co-dependent and narcissist tend to think that. As the autor says – narcissists she knew – stopped for some time and started substance abuse again. So yes – they were addicts with periods of abstinence – when they were motivated. So still addicts.
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2018 at 12:00 pmHi Mag,
I understand about addiction but you are missing the point of my article. I am basing my “theory” on many, many examples where “addiction” – with a narcissist – becomes just another tool of manipulation and can be turned on and off at whim without seemingly no trouble at all. It doesn’t even appear the same as a person who has a physical addiction and goes through withdrawals, etc. They can turn it on and off at very convenient times. It is a very strange thing to watch given all that we’ve learned about addiction and how it works. This is an observation and I was just putting it out there. Too many people have told me the same story and I couldn’t ignore it. Thank you for writing in….
Regards,
Zari