When it comes to narcissists and sex, we have to understand that the narcissist has no preference in who they fuck. No preference at all. In fact, a narcissist lives in a world of no-preference where he/she finds something fuckable in everybody. Once we understand and accept this, we see clearly that the problem isn’t us and that no amount of great sex that we have as a couple is ever going to change it. Yes, my friends, no back flip, triple sow-cow, or handspring cartwheel on our part will ever secure us as his preference over anything – ever. It’s simply not going to happen.
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As I’ve explained before, my ex narc and I had amazing, over-the-top sex each and every time for 13-years straight. We even enjoyed a round of great sex on that very last day four years ago – the day that he walked out and basically never came back. For most of the years up until that point, it was this awesome sex phenomenon that caused me the greatest confusion. How can we have such terrific sex yet I still can’t kick the feeling that if the opportunity arises to fuck someone else, he’ll take it? It just doesn’t make any sense.
The truth, however, is that it does make sense. In fact, it makes perfect sense when you really examine how a narcissist thinks about relationships and about people in general. A normal person in a normal relationship is usually attracted to a certain type of person. This could mean that, for a guy, he likes blondes or brunettes or girls with big boobs or no boobs or whatever. For a girl, it could mean she likes men who are tall or who have an athletic build. The partners of these people usually come pretty damn close to matching that preference and we can assume that if and when these people choose to cheat, the person that they cheat with is going to match that preference as well. If we’re involved with these “normal” people, we assume that if our partner cheats this “other” person is going to look…well…kinda like us, right? This is simply how it normally works and there’s no rocket science involved.
The narcissist, on the other hand, has no preference at all as to who he hangs out with. This is why we’re always shocked when we actually get a look at who it is they cheat on us with or who the partner is of a married narcissist. I hear it day in and day out and I went through it myself. In my mind, the other woman or whomever he would triangulate me with must certainly at least look like me or dress like me but that was never the case. At first, the discovery would make me feel better. As time passed, however, I became mortified as it slowly dawned on me that he had no preference at all. Suddenly, everyone everywhere was a threat! Tall, short, fat, skinny, blonde, or brunette…everywhere I looked, I saw competition. Yet, the great sex continued and I imagined it as the almighty connection that would always keep us together. Wrong again.
The fact that the narcissist has no preference may also lead us to wonder (ever so quietly) if the narcissist perhaps swings both ways. All the homophobic rhetoric that a narcissist spews whenever necessary and when the subject arises suddenly means nothing. In fact, the more rhetoric my ex spewed about this gay guy or that gay guy or some sexual fetish or deviance, the more suspicious I became. All at once, I would put nothing past him. Not that he would EVER admit to such a thing or that I ever really had a reason to think that…it was just a feeling I got every once in awhile when he would disappear and there was no other girl to be found. I’ve come to believe that, because the typical narc would never admit to this particular behavior or take chances on being caught, narcissists who are curious about swinging both ways or periodically even do it, will go underground to places we’d never even think to look for them – let alone find them – in order to get it done.
My thinking is that narcissists don’t have preferences because they don’t feel loyalty and attachment. They simply don’t care about anything in particular. This is why they can swing both ways upside down and backwards without blinking an eye. This is why a narcissistic partner will leave you to go live or hang out in a place that is far beneath what you have to offer. One woman I spoke to was shocked that her narcissistic husband would leave her and the children and their beautiful home only to shack up with some girl in a trailer on the worst side of town. My ex did the same thing. He’d disappear from my upscale apartment in the mountains and two weeks later I’d find him living at a No-Tell Motel looking perfectly smug and comfortable. This is mind-boggling narcissistic behavior that only proves that a narcissist does not and will never know what he has no matter how good it is. He simply doesn’t care either way.
Narcissists are sexual opportunists who see the world as filled to the brim with opportunities and they’re always looking. We just happen to have been an opportunity that, for whatever reason, stuck after the initial encounter. And hell – since the narc has no preference whether we stay or go – he might as well let us hang around! This is indifference on a very grand scale yet, as is loving partner, we refuse to see it for what it is. Nothing is normal about any of it! To think that we can keep these people happy with love, comfort and great sex is our biggest misstep in the relationship and it will inevitably be our demise.
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Now, the good news – and yes there IS good news – out of all this is that the narcissist’s infidelity and no-preference behavior has nothing to do with us and we can walk away from the whole mess blame-free. We don’t have to worry what the new girl has that we don’t or why we weren’t good enough or if the narcissist is truly happy now because none of that matters! And because nothing matters, we don’t even have to forgive this person – he doesn’t deserve it.
As I always say, since the narcissist admits to nothing, we have to be confident in the truth that we know and go forth. Make no mistake about it – there is a world of people out there that appreciate everything about you!
vegan49
April 15, 2019 at 8:15 amI absolutely love this especially your words of encouragement at the end.
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:38 amHi vegan49…thank you for reading and I’m always happy to help! Recovery has to be a team effort!
somuchforthat79
November 22, 2017 at 12:30 amMy experience with, we’ll call him Leroy, is spot on with most of what you’ve said but there are a few differences. In my mind, I get how these differences fit in but I’m curious if it’s at all common with these fake people.
Leroy is very sexual, and like the rest of you, sex was the only real connection we had. I remember thinking and even asking him about it early into our 11 month fiasco. I somehow recognized that sex was his way of connecting with me. The reason that I figured it was for my benefit only is because the sex was marathon sex but he never climaxed. To me that was almost an insult and it made me question what was wrong with me as a woman.
However, Leroy wasn’t a normal person when I met him. He’s an ex con, heroin addict, and a bully who has friends that are probably wanted by the FBI or something. He was molested when he was little and has an extremely toxic relationship with every single member of his family. He pulled me into this fucked up world with his sad stories. I felt bad for him and I wanted for him to experience real love and I was bound and determined to be the one to show him.
Leroy was with his main chick for 19 years but he married me barely 6 months into our afair. Literally the day after we eloped, everything began to fall apart. I divorced him after only 3 months. However, he still managed to hook me back only weeks later.
Leroy is also abusive physically. There is little worse than having the man you adore cough up a lougie and spit in your face all the while teling you the horrible things that your gut already knew, only to go home and look at yourself in the mirror and try to understand how you can continue to allow it to happen? Like it’s just a normal thing someone who loves you does to you. I’m still struggling to look myself and others in the eyes because of my choices.
I have spent the entire day reading through your blog just soaking up all the information that is offered. For the first time in forever I can honestly say that I know it’s not entirely my fault. The guilt I’ve been carrying around because of that single thought has weakened me almost as much as Leroy did. Thankfully I am free of those feelings at last and because of that freedom I’m finally starting to put my life back together.
Knowledge is absolutely power! Knowing the truth but never being proven wrong or right is a mindfuck in itself. The strength I’ve drawn from yours and other women’s experiences is empowering and I want to do what I can to keep anyone else from experiencing this life altering heartache, upset, and fear.
So I’m putting on my big girl panties and I’m going to get my life back. I will take all the lessons I can from this experience and do whatever I possibly can to help someone else avoid that hurt.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know you have helped many people come to grips with their situation and shown them it is capable of escaping the life of loving a narcissist. I would totally take your counciling but Leroy left me broke and scrambling to get things back in order. At least I’m armed with the information that I learned today and I’m confident with my No Contact plan. So thank you abd God bless…
Louis
January 1, 2018 at 7:18 amBy reading all these articles id have to say how dumb i feel because to my regret i have not dated 1 but 3 N girls after each other but the last one was the most ruthless. After nearly 2 years i got the feeling she was cheating but i did not ask her about it as she was going to lie anyway because she lied just about over everything.
So i was busy at home oneday when it just popped into my head i must go to her right now tonights the night iam going to catch her. I left home and as i got there i saw her walking with another guy in the road not wanting to assume anything i got out my car and walked to her giving her a hug and a kiss and she refused to hug me or kiss me and that told me everything i needed to know i was so hurt i turned around and walked to my car got in but in that very instant all the love i felt for her turned into anger i cant explain what i felt but it was like huge bump forming in my throat and i couldnt even cry.
I then got back out my car walked over to her and please believe me iam not a woman abuser but i cannot explain what came over me but i smacked her and i was about to carry on when i stopped and asked myself am i mad i then left. Being confused and a emotional wreck i wanted answers non the less i was going to get them just not exactly in the nicest of manners as she had now gotten her parents involved and lied to them saying but we were broken up which was never true without giving me a chance to say anything the father her current bf the mother and the uncle started attacking me.
Things spiraled out of control really fast as i was expecting them to attack me when they arrived already i had to protect myself because both the father and the bf drew knives out and i had no choice but to use my firearm as i was already getting attacked and seeing the knives really made me panic and i shot the father and the bf where the rest got such a freight they ran away. Long story short i did not shoot to kill them but only to hurt them so they were unable to move. We then appeared in court where everything came out she blamed me for cheating on her cause i working to much which is a lie she also said i made her feel worthless and like nothing which is also a lie i done everything for her i even ran her bath water for her each time she stayed here by me at some point during the questioning she had a entire breakdown.
Where she said shes sorry for the first time ever in her life and that she doesnt know what love is cause she cant feel anything but there was something about me that just kept drawing her into me and that she never meant to cheat on me but she doesnt know why shes doing it she hurts everyone she gets in contact with and she has a problem looking for attention all the time and she goes to any extend to get that attention.
Sorry for the language but i quote her exact words “i am a fuck up i know it but i dont know why” thats when it struck me shes a N.we only recently broke up not even 2months ago. Her parents wants to send her to get help but all of a sudden shes refusing to go saying theres nothing wrong with her. Why would she admit to her problem oneday and the next day not? Unfortenately i still do have contact with her which iam trying to break but its really hard cause i love her so much. My main reason for keeping contact with her is to try and persue her into getting help i do manage to get he to agree to go sometimes but as soon as the time arrives she refuses.
Iam not a weak person by personality or allow her to play phycology games with me i can honestly say that since we broke up i have not at any stage touched her again or even hugged her when i do go visit i do it in the presence of her parents we have a good relationship now aswell as they withdrew the charges against me. I wont lie its really hard and all i want to do is hug her and take her back and it hurts so much and i do cry sometimes when iam alone but ill never show emotions infront of her that is exactly what she wants all i want is for her to go get help.
MK
November 19, 2017 at 2:29 amBoy…..where to start? I just finished “When Love is a Lie” which brought me to this website. I am a 57 yr old woman, married 19 yrs to a sociopath. I have two boys. I got married later in life, at age 37, you think I would know better? But you just don’t know evil no matter how old you are. So many red flags, so many life issues kept the playing field uneven. I was constantly coming “up for air” only to have him drag me back under.
Very long sad story short? I just thought he was an immature spoiled brat in an adults body. I kept making excuses, enabling him because I didn’t hold him accountable for his actions. His mother died when he was 11 yrs old. Dad and mom were both alcoholics. His dad had a nervous breakdown after she died and he moved from neighbor to neighbor. His sad sob story I bought hook line and sinker. They prey on sympathetic individuals. Turns out he became an alcoholic too. I went to AA meetings, Al-anon meetings, got a sponsor, found the group Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families….searching for answers to all his “issues”. I was doing all the work, expending all the energy…. Never in my wildest dreams would I have come up with him being a sociopath. I didn’t even know what that was. I was nothing but parenting a grown man. Our marriage ceased to be anything but functioning day to day as sad as that sounds.
Only after finally breaking through his dysfunction and addressing the possibility that he was having affairs and homosexual ones at that…did I finally see the man hind the mask. After I accused him of being gay, he started crying and said “I didn’t ask to be this way”. You can imagine my reaction. Completely dumbfounded. All the years of lies, staying out all night, last minute business trips, emotional abuse, physically and emotionally not being available to me and the kids….my world cracked. After this big reveal? He acted like nothing transpired. Like I would just “get over it” like he told me millions of times before. I told him I was going to divorce him. He coldly replied, “you aren’t going anywhere…I need you and you need me.” He seriously expected us to live together as if nothing had changed. I had been living in the guest bedroom for two years already….and he was just fine with that.
A few days later I was folding the laundry on my son’s bedroom floor. I was sobbing in pain at the prospect that quite possibly he never loved ME. He walked by the doorway and stopped and looked at me crying. I looked up at him and with tears streaming down my face, I asked him “Did you ever even love me?” His reply gave me the creeps….he looked down on me then crouched down to look in my eyes and said, “I have never been more attracted to you then I am right now.” I was literally broken in half and he showed me no compassion. No love. Just a very cold statement that allowed me to see how indifferent he was to my pain.
That night I googled someone without a conscience. All my questions over the years were answered that night.
I filed for divorce in September of 2014. The day after our 17th wedding anniversary. The divorce wasn’t final until August 2016. I lived with him through the divorce. Unbeknownst to me, he had a tracker on my car, the housephone and my cell phone were being tapped and he had hidden cameras in the house. He was covertly trying to stay ahead of my every move. Upon him revealing conversations he knew about that he shouldn’t know, and dropping hints that he knew my actions solidified the very evil entity that he had become.
I moved out of the house I made a home for 17 years, with my two boys! I am the winner because he has no idea the value of our two beautiful and wonderful boys. We have joint custody, but I am the primary custodial parent. I thank God every day for sparing my boys. I found 2 bedroom condo on the fourth floor of a secured four story building. I highly suggest if you are able, to get yourself somewhere safe where going no contact is vital. He can’t just show up at my door. I feel very safe, very content and I sleep like a baby!
There is just too much to reveal, but most importantly, I have gotten my boys to a really good place physically and emotionally, and I am slowly getting “me” back. Do not underestimate “post traumatic stress disorder”. It is very real. It is very frightening. But you must take the time to nurture yourself after being emotionally traumatized. I fortunately was able to take time off and get myself to a much better place. I am glad. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I am smiling more. I have found joy in the little day to day things again.
Please know it DOES get better. Time does heal all things. I found it easy to visualize cutting an emotional umbilical cord to my ex. I visualized him drifting away from me after I cut it. For the first time I felt like I could breathe again. As horrible as this sounds, his alcoholism has gotten worse. I wouldn’t wish ill on anyone in this world except him. When the devil comes to get him I will feel vindicated.
Sarah A
May 8, 2017 at 10:58 amHi everyone. I have only just come across this website and what I’ve been reading about narcissistic personality disorder has made my jaw drop in recognition. I wish I had understood this ‘condition’ before as I’ve always questioned MYSELF for the problems in my relationship with my ex partner and have lost a lot of self esteem from what I’ve gone through over the last 2 years.
I discovered that he was cheating on me just 3 weeks ago with an ex of his (from 3 years ago). We’d just had a fabulous, relaxed weekend together where he was being very affectionate towards me, holding my hand, etc, and lots of physical closeness and fantastic sex. Then 3 days later, he invites this woman to his place for sex. I’ve suspected for quite a while that he has been playing the field, but this was the first real proof that I had. I drove over to his place unannounced and was listening at his door and heard everything (including their long sex session)! I’m not proud of doing that but this is what they drive you to do with their constant deceit. I’m glad that I did because now I know for sure exactly what he is capable of. No doubt there have been many others before this one. I felt absolutely gutted as you can imagine and also quite disgusted that she would sleep with him, knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Though I imagine he was very persuasive and told her otherwise. Narcissists lie about almost EVERYTHING! I also believe that he is probably capable of doing this with men too.
The thing is that they make you question yourself – ‘Why wasn’t I good enough?’, ‘Why would he do that when we just spent a fantastic weekend together?’, ‘What did I do wrong?’- it almost drives you crazy trying to figure it out. But it’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM and their constant need for approval and feeling desired by as many people as possible. They will take it from wherever they can get it. Narcissists are takers not givers and it’s impossible to change them because they are ‘happy’ as they are.
It’s so true that narcissists are charming and the highs with them (and the sex!) can be the best you’ve ever experienced. But, in the end, it’s all about them and manipulating you for their own needs. My ex will never realize that his behaviour is unacceptable because narcissists have absolutely zero empathy. Yes, they can feign empathy but it’s only to get what they want from you. They tend to be very intelligent and manipulative and know how to play on your weaknesses.
Another thing to watch out for is, because of their addictive personalities, they tend to overuse social media a lot! My ex was never off Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, etc, and I knew he was being secretive because he was always checking his mobile phone, putting it on silent when he was with me and sending sneaky messages early of a morning and late at night – clearly not something he would be doing with his male friends. He would carry his phone everywhere with him, even into the bathroom, and it was placed face down at all times. Of course, if I ever asked him who he was messaging at such times (which I rarely did) he would react very angrily and make out that I was being too ‘needy’. When you get attacked verbally like that, you stop asking questions. That’s why they turn it round on you. Social media has made it so easy for people to cheat these days and you can be sure that a narcissist will take full advantage of this! He would even sit across the table from me at breakfast looking at semi-pornographic photos of women on Instagram and would often make sexual comments about other women or flirt with them while we were out together. This is done to undermine your self confidence and exercise control over you. Quite sad really! I also saw in his internet history that he had been on a dating site and when I asked him about it, he first denied it and then when I pursued it he said it was just out of ‘curiosity’. Haha, yeh right! He also used to masturbate (a lot!) Sometimes so much that he had nothing left when he was with me. There’s no greater love than a narcissist’s love for themself!
Like so many people who have commented here, I thought that if I made fewer ‘demands’ of him and sacrificed my own needs, that he would somehow realize the error of his ways and start appreciating what he had with our relationship. Of course, I now know that will never happen. When I confronted him about having sex with that woman, he never said a single word to me for 3 weeks (quite heartbreaking after being together for 2 years). He then sent me an email saying that he ‘missed me’ and when I said that I knew exactly what he had done, he denied it completely and said that I had ‘issues’. How low can you go! So, I know he has no feelings of guilt or wrong-doing and will have already moved on with this woman – his next ‘victim’. At least I can feel slightly comforted that he will eventually do the same to her and it was nothing that I did wrong. I have a chance to get better and live a great life, when he will always have to scheme and lie to get his next fix.
I’ve now gone completely No Contact with him as I can’t put myself through the pain anymore of being picked up and then dropped suddenly by him for no apparent reason (he’s split up with me, completely out of the blue, at least 6 times in the last 2 years). I’m emotionally exhausted and feel like I have completely lost myself! It won’t be easy, because I loved him dearly and gave him absolutely everything I could. But, clearly, it wasn’t enough and never would be! Narcissists get bored very easily and constantly need excitement in their life. The pursuit of other women is one of the easiest ways to get this stimulation that they crave. He is completely incapable of being faithful to anyone.
Despite everything, I haven’t given up hope and in time will feel ready for a relationship with someone who treats me with love, honesty, kindness and respect. We all deserve that, don’t we…
Thank you so much Zari for this wonderful website which has been an incredible source of support for me during a really low time. Also to everyone who has been so frank and shared their experiences on here. These narcissists create so much sadness and hurt with everyone they touch. It’s terrible and tragic.
Lorie
June 17, 2017 at 8:59 amSarah I cannot believe your story!! Your story is my story and it pretty much freaks me out. You will get through this. Just keep no contact. I have been no contact for over a year now. Where I failed in the past is because I wanted to hear why… why could he do this to US… we were so happy, or so I thought. BUT if he doesn’t get it he can ask someone else as I am not going to explain it. The devastation the affairs and the ex-girl friend had on me was horrendous, BUT IT GETS BETTER. It is not that I don’t think about it or that I am not sad. Its just I am over the Sherlock Holmes detective work and you know what you know. They will lie about it no matter what.
Stay Strong and come here often as it helps to read other stories. Your story has helped me and I appreciate that. I know its hard to write it, even though it feels good to write it.