The Narcissist’s Motivation to Deceive (Part 1/2)

narcissist-deceiverNarcissistic lovers and partners are really as simple as they are complicated. We spend a whole lot of time trying to figure it all out…why they do what they do and say what they say. We agonize over their willingness to cheat and how they so easily can lie about it. We demand to know why they leave or force us to leave and how they can just move on as if our history together meant nothing. We suffer through silent treatments and disappearances and will wait – often for months – for the inevitable hoover to come suck us back down the rabbit hole. In fact, for most of us, the rabbit hole becomes the one place where we feel secure…the one place where we get a reprieve from the suffocating separation anxiety. The rabbit hole becomes both the last place and the ONLY place we want to hang out because it’s the one place to which the narcissist will always return. But why DOES the narcissist do what he does – are there a million reasons or is this there just one big one? My theory is that there is really just one all-encompassing incentive in the narcissist’s relationship agenda…one all-important motivation for his nonsense that is securely connected to everything else. To understand and accept my simple theory can be the key to mentally breaking free from the madness.

Let me explain…

narcissist-abuse-consultationsThe narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life no matter what and that is to get away with something. Every day, that’s all it’s about! To the narcissist, no matter what’s happening, it’s all about what he can get away with day to day. This is the secret to a narcissist’s success. If he’s a polished kind-of narcissist, it’s likely that one or all of his partners will be suspecting of many things – including each other – but that they will never be able to prove their suspicions and this dynamic is intentional. It means that he’s getting away with things and he really pretty good at it!

The bottom line is that none of us are or ever were as important to the narcissist as we’d like to think. As I’ve explained in my article series about compartmentalization, we are no more important to the narcissist than the grocery store check-out girl or the clerk at the bank who cashed his paycheck. He will triangulate us with random people and even inanimate objects (cell phones!) just because he can…just because he can get away with it. All we ever do is serve as a convenient practice tool for the art of deception and our suffering is how a narcissist gauges his ability to do it…to deceive us. The more we suffer, the more confident he feels. This is why normalcy has no place in the relationship and confusion has a permanent home. When things are relatively “normal” and we are calm, the narcissist feels unimportant and annoyed and must get away with something in order to pump himself up.

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What makes the game particularly interesting for the narcissist is that “getting away with something” doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with us finding out. Yup, that’s right – he’s really not worried about that (and never has been) because it’s just an option in the game. In fact, the narcissist fully expects us to find out or, at the very least, to be suspicious because then he gets to practice the deception at the next level up. Getting away with something – by narcissistic standards – means doing it once, raising our suspicions via passive-aggressive behaviors, and then convincing us that we’re delusional for even thinking he’d do it to begin with. It’s at this level that the narcissist practices his ability to deceive after the original deception. The lie after the lie. First he cheats and then lies about it, then we find out and confront him, and then he lies about it again. He now practices the art of never admitting to anything. If he’s really polished, he might even compel YOU to apologize for HIS bullshit behaviors and that’s a BONUS! And his reward for all this narcissistic achievement? A nice long silent treatment for as long as he likes or as long as he thinks you can take it – whichever comes first.

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I’m not kidding you, sisters and brothers…this is what it’s all about day to day…nothing more, nothing less. This is how a narcissist hones his tactics for future targets. Everyone in his life – you included – is practice fodder for his need to deceive and get away with things. And, as we know, deceiving can be about anything at all, even that which we’d consider to be most trivial. This is why, as I’ve always said, a narcissist lies even when the truth is a better story. If he went to one supermarket, he’ll say he went to another…because he can…because he can get away with it because we allow him to. And if by chance he doesn’t get away with it…if we flat-out catch him in a lie and call him out on it..well, he’ll just try something else. He’ll think up another lie. Practice makes perfect. This is where we become crazy, trying to understand why he keeps doing the same thing over and over. Truth and fiction in the relationship starts to blur. We begin to investigate, spy, stalk, and finagle and we end up knowing not a whole lot more than when we started. Because the N admits to nothing unless his back is absolutely up against a wall (a rare occurrence), we become so confused and riddled with anxiety over day to day events that we end up saying nothing at all about anything. And this, my friends, is the end game. Keeping us in a heightened state of anxiety is the desired result of all a narcissist’s nonsense. This is how he creates our reality. Our suffering not only turns him on mentally, it becomes his motivation to get away with as much as he can in the least amount of time possible!

Stay tuned for Part II of this article to learn how the narcissist’s penchant for getting away with things explains everything – and I mean everything – that we’ve ever questioned, tried to analyze, or agonized over in the relationship. I’ll explain further my theory on how the N thinks and how we take everything he does personally  when the truth is that it isn’t personal at all. I truly believe that the sooner we understand and accept the reality of our role in the relationship, the quicker our recovery time. I will explain it all to you next week…


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  • Delta

    January 6, 2016 at 6:48 am Reply

    My heart is so broken I don’t how to jump in to this group! Alone, crying my eyes out, I can’t believe that he has hurt me again . He is the love of my life, my best friend. I separated from him for a year because I was unhappy. He begged to come back, promised me that he wanted to be with me forever, would never implement the “silent treatment” or any other crazy making behavior. We mutually agreed on an exclusive monogamous relationship. I trusted him.

    A few days before Christmas, he got really angry with me over something petty and stormed out of my house. I have a broken shoulder and was not driving yet and he was going to mail a box of presents for me. He has not been well because of a series of strokes and seizures and is heavily medicated and has headaches and sleeps a lot, or so he has been telling me!
    I was supposed to go to Christmas Eve services with him this year, as he is the Pastor of two small churches further out from the city. I wanted to be with him to help him stay safe driving and just attend the services too which I have not been able to do for the last 5 years that we have been together.
    Anyway, he refused to allow me to go with him on Christmas, saying that he needed to be alone on Christmas Eve? All of this is via texts, he also refused to see me on Christmas Day. My anxiety and panic was so intense, I was begging and pleading with him and apologizing,etc. He finally agreed to come over the day after, we. exchanged gifts, everything seemed ok . We didn’t have specific New Years plans because he hadn’t been feeling well, but suddenly on New Years he said that he wanted to go to a new cool hotel. I told him that it would be impossible to have dinner, but he kept insisting that he could get us in,We had a lovely dinner at a nearby French Restaraunt early , went to the hotel, he was somewhat aloof. I wanted to take pics of us for New Years, I really looked cute and I thought that he would like that, i must mention that when we arrived at the hotel, he separated from me for a while and went exploring without waiting or taking me with him?
    He refused to let me have his phone to take pics and seemed really annoyed that I persisted. He said that nobody was taking pictures. Meanwhile, he takes pics of everybody and everything all the time, especially celebs and flashes them to anybody and everybody he meets.

    He Was staying overnight ,my gut feeling was telling me something wasn’t right. I looked in his phone and discovered series of texts between a woman and he, someone who I knew nothing about. He had already taken her to lunch, was encouraging another, talked about planning an “exciting outing” and even worse, the most recent text was from the hotel trying to impress her with the fact that he was there! I saw no mention of me or us being there.
    I flipped out, woke him up and demanded to know who she was. All he said is that I invaded his privacy and he left while I was screaming and carrying on like a lunatic.

    And the silent treatment goes on, he has texted me to tell me that she is just a friend and he has many friends, etc, that they are not an item. She even sent him a pic ! He said that he loves me, always has, always will and maybe we can all go out sometime! He said that he needs positive creative people in his life! I am a painter!!!I texted that he lied, violated my boundaries concerning secret relationships,etc. yesterday was his birthday,i sent cards, begged him to talk to me..he is deep into the silent treatment again.

    I am so devastated and feeling so out of control, yesterday I took a zanax, it helped. I have just started PT for my broken shoulder. This Silent Treatment , a year or two ago when we separated, I googled it and that is how I discovered NPD. My friends said that I was crazy, because he adores me and spoils me and takes me everywhere. But, he has not tried to move our relationship forward as promised.
    Is it pissible that I am wrong thinking that he is afflicted with this disorder?

    He is estranged from his family and I have never met one friend in six years. Please advise, I welcome all feedback and I truly feel all of the pain you descrbe!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      January 7, 2016 at 12:15 am Reply

      Hi Delta,

      Thank you for sharing and that sure sounds to me like you spent New Years Eve with a narcissist in full swing. It took me eight years to start googling the silent treatment and then I stayed for another four. Yikes! Also at the eight year mark, right after the discovery, I took a Xanax too and it helped and I then became addicted to the damn things until two years before it all ended. I had to go cold turkey. As I write this, I’m thinking that if I hadn’t of got hooked on the Xanax, I might have been out of the relationship sooner. Who knows…I could have ended up in a nut house too..I was a complete mess.

      Look, I am so sorry for your pain. Believe me, all of us here know exactly what your going through. I’m going to go to my personal email right now and send you my books in PDF format. I think that my words will truly help you and that you will resonate with much of my story and with the psychological hell we all go through. The apologizing, the begging….and they are the ones betraying the relationship! It’s an insanity that will eat away at our very soul if we allow it. You only think he was your best friend…all of us here thought that…but the truth is that these creatures were never our friends at all. They managed down our expectations so that we accepted crumbs of attention, of friendship, of everything. None of it is right and you deserve happiness in life. This guy will not bring it.

      Please go to the email that you used to submit this post and look for the books…please read them and, for now, enjoy the silence and think about the situation. Write anytime – we are all here to support you:)

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

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