The Narcissist’s Motivation to Deceive (Part 1/2)

narcissist-deceiverNarcissistic lovers and partners are really as simple as they are complicated. We spend a whole lot of time trying to figure it all out…why they do what they do and say what they say. We agonize over their willingness to cheat and how they so easily can lie about it. We demand to know why they leave or force us to leave and how they can just move on as if our history together meant nothing. We suffer through silent treatments and disappearances and will wait – often for months – for the inevitable hoover to come suck us back down the rabbit hole. In fact, for most of us, the rabbit hole becomes the one place where we feel secure…the one place where we get a reprieve from the suffocating separation anxiety. The rabbit hole becomes both the last place and the ONLY place we want to hang out because it’s the one place to which the narcissist will always return. But why DOES the narcissist do what he does – are there a million reasons or is this there just one big one? My theory is that there is really just one all-encompassing incentive in the narcissist’s relationship agenda…one all-important motivation for his nonsense that is securely connected to everything else. To understand and accept my simple theory can be the key to mentally breaking free from the madness.

Let me explain…

narcissist-abuse-consultationsThe narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life no matter what and that is to get away with something. Every day, that’s all it’s about! To the narcissist, no matter what’s happening, it’s all about what he can get away with day to day. This is the secret to a narcissist’s success. If he’s a polished kind-of narcissist, it’s likely that one or all of his partners will be suspecting of many things – including each other – but that they will never be able to prove their suspicions and this dynamic is intentional. It means that he’s getting away with things and he really pretty good at it!

The bottom line is that none of us are or ever were as important to the narcissist as we’d like to think. As I’ve explained in my article series about compartmentalization, we are no more important to the narcissist than the grocery store check-out girl or the clerk at the bank who cashed his paycheck. He will triangulate us with random people and even inanimate objects (cell phones!) just because he can…just because he can get away with it. All we ever do is serve as a convenient practice tool for the art of deception and our suffering is how a narcissist gauges his ability to do it…to deceive us. The more we suffer, the more confident he feels. This is why normalcy has no place in the relationship and confusion has a permanent home. When things are relatively “normal” and we are calm, the narcissist feels unimportant and annoyed and must get away with something in order to pump himself up.

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What makes the game particularly interesting for the narcissist is that “getting away with something” doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with us finding out. Yup, that’s right – he’s really not worried about that (and never has been) because it’s just an option in the game. In fact, the narcissist fully expects us to find out or, at the very least, to be suspicious because then he gets to practice the deception at the next level up. Getting away with something – by narcissistic standards – means doing it once, raising our suspicions via passive-aggressive behaviors, and then convincing us that we’re delusional for even thinking he’d do it to begin with. It’s at this level that the narcissist practices his ability to deceive after the original deception. The lie after the lie. First he cheats and then lies about it, then we find out and confront him, and then he lies about it again. He now practices the art of never admitting to anything. If he’s really polished, he might even compel YOU to apologize for HIS bullshit behaviors and that’s a BONUS! And his reward for all this narcissistic achievement? A nice long silent treatment for as long as he likes or as long as he thinks you can take it – whichever comes first.

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I’m not kidding you, sisters and brothers…this is what it’s all about day to day…nothing more, nothing less. This is how a narcissist hones his tactics for future targets. Everyone in his life – you included – is practice fodder for his need to deceive and get away with things. And, as we know, deceiving can be about anything at all, even that which we’d consider to be most trivial. This is why, as I’ve always said, a narcissist lies even when the truth is a better story. If he went to one supermarket, he’ll say he went to another…because he can…because he can get away with it because we allow him to. And if by chance he doesn’t get away with it…if we flat-out catch him in a lie and call him out on it..well, he’ll just try something else. He’ll think up another lie. Practice makes perfect. This is where we become crazy, trying to understand why he keeps doing the same thing over and over. Truth and fiction in the relationship starts to blur. We begin to investigate, spy, stalk, and finagle and we end up knowing not a whole lot more than when we started. Because the N admits to nothing unless his back is absolutely up against a wall (a rare occurrence), we become so confused and riddled with anxiety over day to day events that we end up saying nothing at all about anything. And this, my friends, is the end game. Keeping us in a heightened state of anxiety is the desired result of all a narcissist’s nonsense. This is how he creates our reality. Our suffering not only turns him on mentally, it becomes his motivation to get away with as much as he can in the least amount of time possible!

Stay tuned for Part II of this article to learn how the narcissist’s penchant for getting away with things explains everything – and I mean everything – that we’ve ever questioned, tried to analyze, or agonized over in the relationship. I’ll explain further my theory on how the N thinks and how we take everything he does personally  when the truth is that it isn’t personal at all. I truly believe that the sooner we understand and accept the reality of our role in the relationship, the quicker our recovery time. I will explain it all to you next week…


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  • Delta

    January 6, 2016 at 6:48 am Reply

    My heart is so broken I don’t how to jump in to this group! Alone, crying my eyes out, I can’t believe that he has hurt me again . He is the love of my life, my best friend. I separated from him for a year because I was unhappy. He begged to come back, promised me that he wanted to be with me forever, would never implement the “silent treatment” or any other crazy making behavior. We mutually agreed on an exclusive monogamous relationship. I trusted him.

    A few days before Christmas, he got really angry with me over something petty and stormed out of my house. I have a broken shoulder and was not driving yet and he was going to mail a box of presents for me. He has not been well because of a series of strokes and seizures and is heavily medicated and has headaches and sleeps a lot, or so he has been telling me!
    I was supposed to go to Christmas Eve services with him this year, as he is the Pastor of two small churches further out from the city. I wanted to be with him to help him stay safe driving and just attend the services too which I have not been able to do for the last 5 years that we have been together.
    Anyway, he refused to allow me to go with him on Christmas, saying that he needed to be alone on Christmas Eve? All of this is via texts, he also refused to see me on Christmas Day. My anxiety and panic was so intense, I was begging and pleading with him and apologizing,etc. He finally agreed to come over the day after, we. exchanged gifts, everything seemed ok . We didn’t have specific New Years plans because he hadn’t been feeling well, but suddenly on New Years he said that he wanted to go to a new cool hotel. I told him that it would be impossible to have dinner, but he kept insisting that he could get us in,We had a lovely dinner at a nearby French Restaraunt early , went to the hotel, he was somewhat aloof. I wanted to take pics of us for New Years, I really looked cute and I thought that he would like that, i must mention that when we arrived at the hotel, he separated from me for a while and went exploring without waiting or taking me with him?
    He refused to let me have his phone to take pics and seemed really annoyed that I persisted. He said that nobody was taking pictures. Meanwhile, he takes pics of everybody and everything all the time, especially celebs and flashes them to anybody and everybody he meets.

    He Was staying overnight ,my gut feeling was telling me something wasn’t right. I looked in his phone and discovered series of texts between a woman and he, someone who I knew nothing about. He had already taken her to lunch, was encouraging another, talked about planning an “exciting outing” and even worse, the most recent text was from the hotel trying to impress her with the fact that he was there! I saw no mention of me or us being there.
    I flipped out, woke him up and demanded to know who she was. All he said is that I invaded his privacy and he left while I was screaming and carrying on like a lunatic.

    And the silent treatment goes on, he has texted me to tell me that she is just a friend and he has many friends, etc, that they are not an item. She even sent him a pic ! He said that he loves me, always has, always will and maybe we can all go out sometime! He said that he needs positive creative people in his life! I am a painter!!!I texted that he lied, violated my boundaries concerning secret relationships,etc. yesterday was his birthday,i sent cards, begged him to talk to me..he is deep into the silent treatment again.

    I am so devastated and feeling so out of control, yesterday I took a zanax, it helped. I have just started PT for my broken shoulder. This Silent Treatment , a year or two ago when we separated, I googled it and that is how I discovered NPD. My friends said that I was crazy, because he adores me and spoils me and takes me everywhere. But, he has not tried to move our relationship forward as promised.
    Is it pissible that I am wrong thinking that he is afflicted with this disorder?

    He is estranged from his family and I have never met one friend in six years. Please advise, I welcome all feedback and I truly feel all of the pain you descrbe!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      January 7, 2016 at 12:15 am Reply

      Hi Delta,

      Thank you for sharing and that sure sounds to me like you spent New Years Eve with a narcissist in full swing. It took me eight years to start googling the silent treatment and then I stayed for another four. Yikes! Also at the eight year mark, right after the discovery, I took a Xanax too and it helped and I then became addicted to the damn things until two years before it all ended. I had to go cold turkey. As I write this, I’m thinking that if I hadn’t of got hooked on the Xanax, I might have been out of the relationship sooner. Who knows…I could have ended up in a nut house too..I was a complete mess.

      Look, I am so sorry for your pain. Believe me, all of us here know exactly what your going through. I’m going to go to my personal email right now and send you my books in PDF format. I think that my words will truly help you and that you will resonate with much of my story and with the psychological hell we all go through. The apologizing, the begging….and they are the ones betraying the relationship! It’s an insanity that will eat away at our very soul if we allow it. You only think he was your best friend…all of us here thought that…but the truth is that these creatures were never our friends at all. They managed down our expectations so that we accepted crumbs of attention, of friendship, of everything. None of it is right and you deserve happiness in life. This guy will not bring it.

      Please go to the email that you used to submit this post and look for the books…please read them and, for now, enjoy the silence and think about the situation. Write anytime – we are all here to support you:)

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

  • Antonella Mitzy

    January 1, 2016 at 3:20 pm Reply

    Hi Zari
    Im having trouble believing my ex is a true narcissist. I have been reading a lot lately trying to understand why is he acting this way and still can’t believe he changed so much. (What if Im wrong?, what if Im being a judgemental bitch and missunderstanding everything?).
    He is 33, a personal trainer, very good looking and very worried by his image. We were together for 1 year and 2 months. Everything was good at the beggining. He was the most loving, caring and patient boyfriend. I met him being very stingy and selfish… He has always been like that, but I accepted him the way he was because I had many flaws as well and tried to changed them all for him (one of those was being jelous). He has hundreds of women on his FB and have contact with many of them (most of them are the exact opposite to what I am… Fake big breasts, very sexy almost slutty looking and with naked pictures on their FB accounts). I passed the fact that he has contact with most of then and gets many private messages and proposals because I understood his job was going to require to keep that contact and I needed to trust him).
    We started to have problems in our sexual life because he suddenly lost interest. He explained this happened to him everytime he was in a relationship and they he didnt know why but he knew there was something wrong with him. He acted like he didnt even like me anymore which of course, made me feel i was ugly, unsexy and unnatractive. I used to cry my eyes out but he didnt really care. I let if pass and finally got used to the fact that we were having sex when he was feeling like (maybe once a week or once every two weeks). I, again, tried not to judge him and supported him so i wouldnt feel like a demanding bitch.
    He broke up with me once telling me he was tired of being in a relationship and wanted to be single again (date girls and go out for partying. He said he was feeling like cheating on me). We were apart for a couple of weeks but never stopped the contact. I thanked his honesty but still cried and begged him not to leave me so he ended up staying. After that, everything was good again. We were as loving and close to eachother as we have always been. I traveled back home to stay for 3 months with my family (where i am currently at) and he said he would wait for me (he said it, i didnt ask for it).
    During a bad period of time for him, I was his support (I have always been his chearleader tho, ALWAYS admiring him and cheering him up and applaudimg everything he does because I know he likes that, he loves attention and admiration so I gave that to him), he lost his job, had family issues and was very depressed and I stuck by him all this time being the most supportive person I could possibly be.
    He found a new job 2 months ago (while Im still awaywith my family) and thats when everything changed. He started getting a lot of money, got a new place to leave, bought many things for himself and I was never included. He was always speaking in singular (“I got a new couch and a huge tv screen so Im gonne be able to watch movies and chill… Im gonne do this or that” “I, I, I” “Me, me, me”).
    I was now having difficulties with my family and asked him for support and he did support me… for a week or so. After few days he started acting very mean and complaining I was being negative and saying he didnt like the fact that I was so needy of support. He would get angry (and I mean very angry) if I ever cried or felt bad. But I cried because i was feeling alone and asked for his support! He would get angry and yelled and me so I would cry more! So he would get more angry, hang up on me and end up not talking to me for the whole day or maybe two (i felt it as a punishment), so I ended up apologizing for being “too sensitive” as he used to say.
    It was a vicious circle. Everytime I (kindly) ask for his support, or tried to make him see why I got upset for him yelling at me, he would say things like “you dont accept me as I am” “if you dont like the way i am, then leave me” “this is me, take it or leave it”. Cold as ice. I then started to feel I had to walk on eggshells because he would explode and leave me any time. I asked him why was he acting like this, yelling at me, calling me names, telling me to shut up, and being a person i never saw before and he used to say “i dont know… I dont know why im like this” “this is unfortunately the real me, i was just pretending to be someone im not to avoid conflict because you know how much i hate drama”.
    He began to do things to exclude me on purpose. Decorating his new house together with one of his new female clients KNOWING we were supposed to do this together!. I felt he was doing things he knew would hurt me on purpose. Not calling me when he say he would, not answering my texts, drinking (he was an alcoholic and quitted 3 years ago… He knows how important is for me that he doesnt drink), hanging out with his friend in times we were supposed to be talking (staying at his house 5 hours or more knowing we had agreed on talking at certain hour and how important was for me to talk to him now that we are in different countries) and having NO time to talk to me because he was being too busy, yelling at me, acting indifferent and cold…
    And if I ever ever tried to say I wasnt happy about anything, he would get into a rage and stopped talking to me as a punishment. No matter how kindly or softly I would ask or tell my feelings. He was acting literally like he hated me! Out of the blue! For no reason!
    He broke up with me again… One week ago, on my birthday… 20 days before I was going back with him… by text. All this because i got sad when I received a text for him saying “happy birthday” and told him I felt it a bit cold. He answered by saying that if I wasnt happy with anything he does for me, then I should leave him.
    I slept, woke up feeling an emptyness inside and texted him asking “baby, did you meet someone? Are you seeing another girl?”
    He answered saying “no, but I dont want to be with you” he didnt explain anything or called or answered my calls. He said there was nothing else to say. Treated me horribly, cold, mean and left me feeling what we had meant nothing. He said I was just one more girl in his life.
    I have been reading a lot trying to understand how a person can suddenly change so much. He’s got money now, he doesnt need me so he dumps me when I need him the most. When i was there for him when anyone else was and now he is acting like i meant nothing,
    Posting pictures of himself, saying how happy is he, (the day he dumped, on my birthday he quoted “this is the best day of my life… Im starting to build a future for myself”… Flirting with girls openly and knowing Im seeing this and that he is hurting me… And he still doesnt care!
    He callled me 2 times but i didnt asnwer. He texted me saying he “was worried about me”. Not saying he was sorry for hurting me, but just that he was worried.
    Some of the characteristics he has that I have recognized now with all this reading are:
    -doesnt accept criticism (takes everything as an attack)
    -he is always the star at his jobs… Everyone else is incompetent or stupid
    -very attractive and image means everything to him
    -no interest in sex with me
    -often uses people (friends) or objects (cellphone) to make me feel unwanted, insecure
    -doesnt empathize (when i cry he says im seeking for attention, too needy, too sensitive
    – brutally honest (doesnt matter if he hurts me)
    -often says he hates conflict
    -refuses to apologiz and when he does, he does it backwards (im sorry, i shouldnt have let you make me angry)
    -im continually cleaning up after him (never do dishes, never puts his shoes on his place, doesnt care if i just cleaned his place)
    – always expect compliments and grattitude (even for things he did months ago… I still have to say thank you for a oair of shoes he bought me 6 months ago).
    – he insults me and gets upset if “i cant get over it” quicky
    -makes a big deal about giving me some present of making something special for mu birthday, christmas, etc., but ends up doing and giving nothing.
    -dont like autorithy (quitted highschook because of it) (cant stand father or mother, or pretty much anyone telling him what to do)
    -if i say ‘please dont do this again because it hurts me”, it seems he does it again stonger to hurt me on purpose
    -i was perfect… Until i wasn’t (when i needed him, i stopped being needed)
    – his mistakes are often forgotten, but my sins are continously brought up
    Im having a real hard time figuring out what did I do wrong…
    I was never unfaithful, never lied, cheat, or hurt him. I was 100% commited to him and still cant understand WHY.
    Am i wrong?? Did i deserve this threatment?… Is it normal that people discards you and im being too sensitive??… DID HE EVER LOVED ME?
    Please help me. Im having depression and feel anything is worth it anymore… What can I do? 🙁 …I feel worthless. Im so inlove with him that i cant believe this is his true personality.

    • Antonella Mitzy

      May 22, 2016 at 7:08 am Reply

      Hi Zari!
      Im writting you again to give you and update about my situation and to ask for your support and advice. The last time I wrote you, you kindly answered me, but I hate to say I didnt listen to you. I keot contact with him and now Im paying a high price for it.
      I arrived to the city he lives and works at in January. I already had a job and couldnt back out. I had to be strong and decided to travel knowing this was going to be difficult. Being away from my family, in a different country, knowing nobody except for him and having to build a life that didnt include him.
      Since I arrived here, we were in constant contact, not living together because we were not “in a relationship” with the title, but spending a lot of time together (that includes me staying at his place 2-3 times a week). We spent his birthday together with his co-workers. Everything was going ok. Eventhough we were not having the official title of a “relationship”, i was hoping he would see how great we were doing together and eventually ask me to get back together. I was giving him space, time… everything I thought he was needing to realize i was “the one”. During all this time i knew he was talking to other girls… TALKING… on fb, social media… Nothing more that flirting and talking. I let that pass because, again, i was hoping, when being inlove, we let pass many situations we shouldnt. All I asked to him was honesty: “i know you are spending time with your friends, talking to girls… but please, all i ask is honesty. If you are feeling like dating anyone, just let me know. I dont want to be here for you while you date others, just please respect that”… He always agreed and PROMISED me he would always be honest. If he ever met anyone else, he would let me know so we could end any contact.
      I was naive and stupid enought he would.
      4 weeks ago I received a message on facebook of a girl saying he was cheating on me for a long time, dating girls, adding them in fb and asking them to go to his apartment to have sex… she sent me conversations between him and girls (him saying he had dumped me and sharing my pictures with these girls), pictures of me and him, and comments of other girls making fun of how stupid i was. It was the most humiliating situation I have ever been in. I told him I needed to talk to him about a situation that had me sad and upset (by phone because, when he senses something is wrong, he avoids contact). He knew i was upset and didnt want to meet me in person and talk about it saying “whatever is upseting you, you will have to deal with it by your own because im not coming to meet you”. He knew something was wrong, he knew I had found out he was lying.
      Among those conversations, a girl mentioned she had met him for valentine’s day, he had invited her to his room for sex and she had refused. I was so unbelievable hurt!! I asked him in Valentine’s if we could go out for dinner. He said no “you know i hate this day, is just marketing for stupid people”. Later that day, he stopped by my place to “give me a hug and kiss” because he knew it was an important day for me “i bought you a chocolate” (showing me a picture of a big chocolate heart) but i couldnt bring it today, i’ll give it to you later”… Oh!! I felt happy!… the smallest signs of care, mean so much to me! Even a stupid chocolate I didnt even get, made my day (of course I never received the chocolate… he ate it). To know he came to me that day, and later he went on a date with someone else, on a day that meant so much to me, and trying to have sex with her (or actually did) really hurt me. Badly. When i confronted him he denied everything, he denied going put with anyone in Valentines but accepted he had sex with 2 girls. (2 is what he says… Im sure is way more than that). He said that the girl who wrote me this messages was a fat disgusting whore he didnt want to have sex with. That thats why she was so angry at him and got back at him by hurting me. UNBELIEVABLE.
      As the stupid, low esteem, pathetic person I am, i forgave him. Thinking I had to forgive him because resentment was poisoning my heart. I didnt want to keep bad feelings inside so after a week of not talking because of this lies he had told me, we started contact again.
      For the last 4 weeks we had been going through confrontations, good and bad days, I have told him to start contact and then we go have dinner, we fight and then he asks me for forgiveness… he keeps dating others and im stucked in this horrible situation,
      These have been the most draining, tiring, humiliating weeks of my entire life. I have never felt so used, ugly, stupid and worthless in my entire life. Being inlove with a person who has no respect, no love, and doesnt appretiate anything about me has completely drained me as a person.
      I have 2 jobs, I love them both so they keep me motivated and busy enough not to let myself go… I get to know kind and nice people who actually see the good in me. I get comments from people who just met me saying how good of a person i am, how beautiful, how brave for being away (literally the opposite side of the world), how inspiring, funny, etc… All good and nice comments i completely appreatiate, but that never make me feel any better. The person I wish could see those virtues in me, simply doesnt. He decides to get laid with others, to keep making me feel worthless and still, having the power to keep stringing me along. He hurts me, but then has the hability to ask for forgiveness, saying “my feelings for you are strong” “my love for you hasnt changed” “you know i care for you” “you know i hate hurting you” and yet, decides to keep dating others “our relationship didnt work so you should be with the idea of me dating others, it is what it is”. We stop talking for few days and then… “I miss you”… and there’s me, the stupid girl answering “i miss you too”, and it keeps going. A vicious circle that seems endless and that is only hurting me.
      I saw a picture of him and a girl on his couch, holding hands… a picture she took without him noticing. On that couch I used to cuddle with
      him , watch movies and spend my time with him for over a year and a half. OUR couch…
      I “dared’ to call that girl he had sex with “ugly” and he got into a rage. Calling me a bitch, telling me to shut the fuck up, calling me an ugly person. Insulting me to defend a girl he barely knows, he fucked with once!… “Im reacting as if anyone called you names, I would defend you the same way”… WTF! how dares he to compare me with a one night stand. Putting me and her at the same level saying he would defend us both the same. All these insults, offenses and yelling was because of me calling her UGLY!!
      Of course, the next day he “apologized” his way. Minimizing everything “Im sorry, lets just forget about it”.
      We talk when he wants to talk, we meet when he wants to meet… If he ignores me for a day or two, surely its because he is with someone else.
      Im exhausted, sad… sick and tired of crying for the things he says and does to me. I have never felt so wrothless in my entire life.
      I cant belive i allowed myself to love such a narcissist self-centered liar asshole. I regret taking him so seriously from the beggining, i regret being honest and loyal because he didnt deserved it, I regret thinking he would take me seriously and that he would loved me enough to build a future together. I would take back everything if i could, jsut to avoid being in the situation im now.
      I feel for the next girl he’s in a relationship with… she has no idea of what’s comming.
      I might be a lost cause Zari 🙁 but if you have any advice or support, it would be much appretiated.

      • Zari Ballard

        June 21, 2016 at 1:20 am Reply

        Hi Antonella,

        I’m late getting back to you but I do hope that you’ve come to your senses! No one is a lost cause, girl, and all of us have been where you’re at. HOWEVER, it’s time to stop the nonsense. This guy is a piece of shit. Let him go do what he wants and make sure he has no way to contact you. That’s all the advice I can possibly give. Re-read my last response to you because it all still stands. You deserve to be happy and he deserves nothing at all.

        Send me an update…

        Zari xo

  • Rebecca Funkhouser

    December 3, 2015 at 7:34 pm Reply

    I read your book yesterday; it was what I needed to read. In August of this year, my narcissist left me. It wasn’t the first time, G-d knows, but it was the last. After texts throughout the day of being ‘my love forever’ and ‘growing old together’ and ‘love like he’s never known’, he announced he was leaving me in the morning. The issue (this time) was one of my five children. But….there was always an issue. After three years of what I now know was the *Idolize, Devalue, Discard* roller coaster through Hell itself, I was exhausted. I begged G-d to help me, to give me the strength to rid myself of this man, his endless drama, his un-kept promises, and his devastating abandonments.
    I’d felt it coming. The distance, the headaches, the listlessness and disinterest in me, life, anything, had begun two months prior. I tried to make him happy. I waited on him. I rubbed his back, neck, feet. I accepted less ‘rent’ than we’d agreed upon. I bought him lunch; I worked my job and then helped him on his jobs. I praised him, built him up, listened to his litany of complaints – hoping that because we had moved in together (at his request) that this time (Oh! The Hope of ‘This Time’!) he’d pull out of it sans the turmoil, the attacks, the accusations, and the disappearance. Yea, right.
    G-d did help me. That very night. For the first time, I let myself be angry. I refused to beg. He holed up in our bedroom, stomping down the stairs every so often to go to the porch, huff past me, rail at me a little of how I’d tricked him into moving in with me so I could control him! How I broke our agreement…etc etc. I did not defend myself, didn’t feel the desire or the need to try to convince him of the ridiculous trash that he was spewing. He left in the morning, waking his son and stuffing things in garbage bags in helter-skelter fashion. Oh, my heart was broken anew, but something inside me had snapped free of the delusion that it could ever be any different. The fact was that my heart had been breaking all along ….with every devalue, with every stab at my character, with every dig at my soul, with every indifference, with every secretive phone call on the porch, with every missed event, with every demand, with every accusation….
    I went NC after he left, purposefully. I knew that if I met him even once, saw his sad face, looked into his beautiful, deceptively soulful eyes, I would run to him and forgive him any wrong…just like I’d done a hundred times. I loved him desperately. I cared if he was hurting. I wanted beyond wanted to make him happy.
    TH had come into my life like a whirlwind. We’d been casual friends for some years – and when my marriage of nearly two decades fell apart (infidelity, lies, drug and alcohol abuse) TH waltzed onto the scene with comfort and camaraderie as he claimed to be going through the exact situation with his ex. (His divorce was in process and awfully public in the circle of friends we knew – everyone felt badly for him…..exactly like he planned it). About two months later, sitting in a favorite local hangout, TH simply looked over at me and said, ‘I’m in love with you.’ What followed was the *Soul-Mate-Effect* and a shit-ton of *Future-Faking* as you so aptly name it. I was hooked, caught, captured. I thought I’d found the man of my dreams. He swore it was the truth.
    What ensued was six months of glorious rapture, followed by two and a half years of *Mind-Fuck-Extraordinaire*. I will tell that inglorious story. Someday.
    Today, I write because TH nearly destroyed me – and if my story gives even one woman the strength, encouragement, and will to move on …..then it’s worth the terrible price I’ve paid.
    TH left, coat-hangers swinging in the closet, empty drawers, the whole humiliating shebang. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. Then he showed up with a moving truck and some helpers to retrieve his other belongings. He asked for his key, returned mine, and *poof!* he was gone again. But I knew he’d come back. And I’d have to face my very self. Could I stay away? I feared for myself. My family was in an uproar. They had never seen me behave in such a way as I had with TH. I couldn’t seem to send him away when he inevitably returned. I sacrificed my dignity, my self-respect, my damn self over and again in the name of TH…and I was ashamed that I couldn’t seem to help but to forgive him, love him, want him. This time, I knew I could not. If I did, I’d be lost forever. It was a frightening place to be, a frightening way to feel. I stuck (mostly) to NC. I refused to meet him. There were pleas to meet him for church – even though I’d begged him to attend with me many times to no avail. There were texts and messages galore. * His family wanted him to be with me now (after all he’d told me about how evil they were…I didn’t want anything to do with them – foolishly, I didn’t figure out until much later that all along he was telling them equally horrible things about me), that everyone told him how great we look together, didn’t I remember the first time he told me he loved me, the fantastic sex we’d shared, the fact that he couldn’t live without me. There were heartfelt messages of how he’d let me down and was supposed to protect me, not hurt me. He’d handled everything wrong – couldn’t I forgive him and we could learn to move forward. ( I nearly caved 50 times a day). But I waited. Because, I knew what was coming.
    The tone switched, just like I knew it would. A day after he had showed up at my home and began yelling at my father, “You never liked me and poisoned the well against me – ” he went to go on, but my oldest daughter told him to leave, the messages began again in earnest. He said he’d seen me out walking with an overnight bag. He knew I’d been cheating. I was a liar and a cheat and had never loved him. I was a fake. I tried to swindle him out of his house. I was greedy, selfish, a horrible person. He said he knew that I’d set this whole scenario up just to hurt him. Claimed that my father had coached me to get what I could out of him and when he wouldn’t do exactly as I wanted, he told me to cut him loose and leave him – and that I was a sick woman because I threw him away to please my father.* I cried tears that never seemed to stop. But I did not respond until he sent me the worst message of all. He called me a cunt and a whore, said his family knew that I’d cheated on him, lied to him, and tried to destroy him. I sent him a message to stop sending me hateful messages or I would call the police.
    Days passed silently. It had been six weeks of life without TH total, the longest I’d ever been without him.
    My second oldest daughter came in with her husband and new baby son for a visit from Hawaii. They brought the baby over for me to sit with him because they were going out for their anniversary dinner. Just as they were coming in the house, TH stopped up the block, wildly honking his horn and then peeled away up the street.
    TH sent a text out to his family and some of our friends that evening – saying that he’d finally ‘caught’ a man going into my house – I never was told the entire thing – I’m not sure I could handle the knowing even now. He then shot himself.
    I found out in the middle of the night when the police showed up at my home. A welfare check, they said. I was devastated. I am still devastated. I sometimes don’t know if I’ll ever be truly okay again.
    TH had spread terrible lies about me. It broke my heart to learn, but learn I did. I could not understand….WHY? And so began my search for answers. I began with emotional abuse and slowly found my way to NPD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I devoured everything I could find on the topic. I researched, sobbed, despaired. I wanted to die. My name has been dragged through the mud. So called friends have shunned me. TH’s family repeat his lies to anyone who will listen. They have accused friends of mine publicly of contributing to my ‘infidelities’. They blame me for his suicide. My life will never be the same. My two youngest sons’ lives will never be the same. My older three children only thank G-d that he didn’t hurt me and that I’m free….but that is a lie, just like TH’s love was a lie. I will never be completely free. Memories don’t go away.
    Nearly three months have passed. I go to work. I watch movies with my sons. I talk with my daughters. My parents love and support me with zeal. My siblings check in with me and encourage me. I am healing. Slowly. I’m learning who I am again. It’s so fucking hard. But there is hope. I will recover. I choose to go on with life. I choose healing. Joy. Happiness.
    If anyone reads this ….listen to Zari. Listen to your inner gut. Listen to your anger. Take what’s left of your self and get away from this man or woman who is stealing your soul, piece by excruciating piece.

  • aryyan

    December 3, 2015 at 5:12 am Reply

    Hye Zari

    The story is my boyfriend,A, and i been together since early february and he used to text me and not text me but then he will find me and spend time with me as much as we can. We never fight and i tries my best to understand him as much and he really comfortable with me and story all about him to me.

    He had this best friend, D, and its a guy since high school. They been upside down and grown up together through thick and thin. However my boyfriend had to go outside city for work for years and early this year he came back and be with and to see his bestfriend but his bestfriend disappear. They lately had issued whereby his bestfriend refused to contact him and ignored him everything and my boyfriend didnt understand whats going on.

    What a small world, my bestfriend, K, which is a guy currently new bestfriend of D. My boyfriend knew about it but he was fine with it and he found that K is a very nice person which is indeed he is even though my boyfriend was so jealous with the closeness of D and K.

    One day, D fell sick and my bestfriend K asked me to send him to someplace since he didnt have any transport. I didnt know that D was sick. I accidentally met D at hospital because of Sending K. And i keep it as secret since D and K didnt want my boyfriend to know about it. But i cant help it and i was so scared. Next two days i open up about it. He was so mad. He decided not to contact me. He even said it to my bestfriend which is a girl. He met her without telling me anything.

    Until now he didnt reply any my text. He didnt even answer mycall. He didnt even care. He said to my bestfriend its just temporary and whenever he ready, he will be fine but Currently he said to my bestfriend that he doesnt want to see me. My bestfriend asked to consider bout it but he said “make sure she is not there or im out”.

    And my bestfriend asked him whats about but he refused to talk about it and dont want to answer or give hint about his problem to me.

    What should i do?? Its already 34 days he didnt contact me at all and never try to reach me even i tried so hard and now i been 2 weeks didnt contact him at all. Pls help me. I need ur opinion. is he gone totally gone? is he hoovering and hold me to hurt me so badly?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 7, 2015 at 2:18 am Reply

      Hi Aryyan,

      I’m sorry but your story is so confusing, I’m not sure what to make of it. However, it did entertain me, girl…so let me see if I got this rightA is your boyfriend. Long ago, A was best friend’s with D but now D, who doesn’t speak to A, is best friends with K who is also the best friend of you. A is jealous of the friendship between D and K but he’s okay with the friendship between you and K because he thinks K is a nice guy. Unbeknownst to everyone but K, D gets sick and goes to the hospital. K wants to go visit D but doesn’t have a ride so he calls you to drive him to the hospital but doesn’t tell you that it’s all about D. At the hospital, you accidentally meet D when you drop off K and everyone panics. D and K make you promise not to tell A that you provided transportation for K to go see D but two days later the guilt is too much and you confess to A anyway. A is now giving you the silent treatment. I think I have that right but here’s where I get lost. It’s now been 39 days since you spoke to A and two weeks since you tried to contact him last. During this time, A is in contact with your other best friend, a girl, but he still won’t divulge any information about why he is so angry.

      Okay…so where is D and K? And why would A have a problem with you giving K a ride to see D since he already knows that D and K are buddies and that you are K’s buddy too? At some point, he had to know you’d run into D while hanging out with K or was the thought of you meeting D while with K and the three of you all being together too much for A to handle? I think there are big chunks of the story missing…such as what really happened between D and A long ago to cause D not to speak to A and to cozy up with K? And why was D at the hospital anyway and why didn’t K tell you that it was D he was meeting there? Because he thought you wouldn’t give him a ride or because he was hoping you’d just drop him off and never know that it was all about D? And how did you happen to “accidentally” meet D there anyway? And why were D and K so concerned about A knowing that D was at the hospital and why couldn’t you just keep it a secret? Why are you so scared of A? Sometimes what A doesn’t know won’t hurt him! LOL

      I’m sorry, girl, it’s hard for me to take this one seriously. How old are these guys because I’m picturing teenagers in my head! Don’t worry about A and I’m not so sure I’d be friends with K either. A has not a single reason to be so angry…he’s acting like a complete asshole and he will never ever change. I would tell your girl bestie to stay out of it or A is going to get in the middle of that and you won’t have any best friend left! Seriously, blow this guy off – he’s a douchebag. If I were you, now that you’ve met D, you might try convincing K to tell D to communicate with A to get you off the hook…because unless there are deep dark meaningful secrets lurking underneath this story of A, D, and K that would warrant you giving a damn about any of them (and I doubt there is!), just move on with your life. This is completely ridiculous and you are doing nothing but wasting precious time.

      Zari xo

      • aryyan

        December 7, 2015 at 5:00 am Reply

        yes. im sorry for confusing story but its true and this is what im facing right now.

        “Long ago, A was best friend’s with D but now D, who doesn’t speak to A, is best friends with K who is also the best friend of you. A is jealous of the friendship between D and K but he’s okay with the friendship between you and K because he thinks K is a nice guy. Unbeknownst to everyone but K, D gets sick and goes to the hospital. K wants to go visit D but doesn’t have a ride so he calls you to drive him to the hospital but doesn’t tell you that it’s all about D. At the hospital, you accidentally meet D when you drop off K and everyone panics. D and K make you promise not to tell A that you provided transportation for K to go see D but two days later the guilt is too much and you confess to A anyway. A is now giving you the silent treatment”…This is correct. I was accidentally meeting D at Hospital on 28/10/2015 and i told A about it on 30/10/2015. After that he gave me silent treatment on 31/10/2015 until now…

        He met my other bestfriend which is a girl that i told u on 1/11/2015…he told her that he was very upset with me for meeting D without telling him even though i told A that i was accidentally met D because of sending K at hospital but A felt that I stabbed him from back because he wanted to meet D so badly after D ignored him for months without telling exactly what happened, however, i met D first. But he said this is just temporary and he will reach me after he is ok. Thats what he told my girl besties.

        So i thought A might be ok and contact me then, hence, i wait but its been a month he didnt answer my phone and my text. he didnt even want to contact me. So my girl besties tried to reach him again and asked him to hangout on 28/11/2015 but he told her like this “Make sure she (which is me) is not there or im out”…My besties asked him whats wrong with him and me but he doesnt want to talk about it.

        i was like…why is he still mad at me? what did i do again?

        so where is D and K? = D is in home-medication. D said that A was coming to his house with another guy friend on 18/11/2015 but D said A didnt want to enter inside D’s house. I dont know why he stayed outside. K is still hanging around with me. K is helping me everyday for my job.

        And why would A have a problem with you giving K a ride to see D since he already knows that D and K are buddies and that you are K’s buddy too? = i dont know. Perhaps he is jealous that K and i able to see D first when D fell sick and he didnt know at first place even tho A and D been as bestfriend before D and K. A felt like “why not me? why K knows about D and why not me? I know D more than K knows”

        At some point, he had to know you’d run into D while hanging out with K or was the thought of you meeting D while with K and the three of you all being together too much for A to handle? = Sometimes i felt thats the reason he didnt want to meet me because im hanging around with K too much and i will meet D again or right now he hates me, D and K for treating him like shit such as keep a lot of secrets.

        I think there are big chunks of the story missing…such as what really happened between D and A long ago to cause D not to speak to A anymore and to cozy up with K? = D said that A hurt him a lot before. D was get bullied by A’s other friends such as they borrowed D’s monies and they used D for their own benefits and they didnt help D when D was in difficult time. So he hoped A helped him to rescue him from those shitty boys since they are bestfriends but A didnt. A is still friends and closed with them. D felt very hurt. So D ignored A because A is still hanging around with those junks.

        And why was D at the hospital anyway = D has major operation as i informed by K

        and why didn’t K tell you that it was D he was meeting there? Because he thought you wouldn’t give him a ride or because he was hoping you’d just drop him off and never know that it was D that he was meeting? = Yes exactly. K knows i was dating with A and A had issue with D so K was afraid if I reject.

        And how did you happen to “accidentally” meet D there anyway? = I wanted to go to toilet that time and he just came out from toilet and he said Hi to me and K.

        And why was D and K so concerned about A knowing that D was at the hospital = because D didnt want A and those shitty boys come to visit him because he still afraid of those bullies moment.

        and why couldn’t you just keep it a secret? = because those shitty boys found out that D was in hospital. they found out from D’s brother. and they informed to A and A informed that to me. I was scared if A found out about me meeting D from those shitty boys. so i told him first.

        How old are these guys? = All are 25 years old.

        If I were you, now that you’ve met D, you might try convincing K to tell D to communicate with A to get you off the hook. = this will be hard because A and D still not contact to each other and D blocked A in all social medias after A found out he was in hospital which that made A so damn pissed off.

        I know it sounds stupid but it affects me a lot. He left me for no reason. and I dont know what else he found out and im afraid those shitty boys talked bad abut me and K.

        Please Zari. Help me. I try to answer any questions but i really need to know whether is there any hope he would talk about it with me?

  • TLC

    November 24, 2015 at 10:15 pm Reply

    wow. Just…wow! I just realized today after reading all this that I’ve been in an on again/off again friends/lovers unhealthy relationship with an N for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!! I’m now on day 3 of No Contact.
    I never knew I was being abused. I knew this person my whole life, I thought I knew everything about him. YEARS would go by without being in each others’ lives, at one point, we didn’t have contact for ten years. Then, I got into a “relationship” with him. After two years of his bullshit, I broke it off.
    on and on and on. I stuck to my guns but kept occasional contact.
    Fast-forward 2 1/2 years and here I am again. Thank god this time it was brief, but I recently got the Discard just last week. After a few texts and an email went unanswered, I sent one last text the other day…
    “Don’t ever come crawling back”
    I feel the pain of everyone here. It’s been a devastating betrayal I’ve been feeling. I didn’t eat for almost 3 days, and I felt like an invalid. But now I feel stronger, and since I had already done life coaching on my own over the past several years, I feel I’m much better equipped to handle this pain, anger and sadness then I would have been years ago. I still feel “taken for a fool”, but no WAY am I letting him back in again. I wish everyone here the very best and stay strong 🙂

    • Zari Ballard

      November 26, 2015 at 9:14 pm Reply

      Hi TLC,

      Your story sounds familiar. My ex (the Narc) and I were a “couple” for 13 years but I’ve know him for over 25-years now. We were friends way back, played in rock bands together, then we wouldn’t see each other for a few years and then suddenly run into each other in some club somewhere and then a few more years would pass. Then, after 4 years once, we ran into each other and were “together” for 13 years until a couple years ago. I don’t know if you’ve read my book, When Love Is a Lie, but you’ll think you wrote it. All of our lives are interchangeable once we become involved with a narcissist!

      Stay strong and thanks for sharing! I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

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