Welcome to my two-part article series on compartmentalization as it relates to narcissism in relationships. This article, Part 1, will describe the psychological mechanism of compartmentalization and how narcissists use it to juggle multiple relationships and situations without having his/her worlds collide. I believe that an understanding of this narcissistic tactic is vital to our recovery because, as you’ll see, it explains everything – and I mean everything – that we experience. Once we “get it” about compartmentalization, then – and only then – can we truly begin to connect all of the suspicious dots within our relationship in a meaningful way.
Invariably, online definitions describe compartmentalization as a defense mechanism that a person uses to keep certain beliefs and relationships separated from one another so that they don’t conflict. For those who are particularly good at it, like narcissists and sociopaths, it means being able to get away with just about anything including keeping one lover from ever finding out about another or from lies ever becoming truly tangled. Compartmentalization is what narcissists do before, during, and after a Discard. Compartmentalizing is how the narcissist keeps partners (or only certain partners) from ever meeting his friends and family members. Compartmentalization is the perfect explanation for how the narcissist can just leave you without giving a fuck…why your history with a narcissist means absolutely nothing…why he appears to simply vanish during a silent treatment and why he’s so adept using the Cell Phone Game to keep you at arms length even when you think you are “together”.
Imagine the narcissist’s twisted head as being like a building that contains a whole bunch of empty rooms – or compartments – to which he is the only key holder. Over time, the narcissist fills these compartments, each with a single scenario from his life and each scenario having little or no knowledge about the existence of the other compartments. By carefully keeping tabs on the contents of each compartment and by controlling all levels of communications and interaction, the narcissist keeps the potential for conflict and confrontation to a bare minimum as he moves from one to the other. The biggest benefit, of course, to compartmentalization is that the narcissist can behave one way while visiting one compartment and behave completely differently when visiting another. And since the narcissist is a pretender extraordinaire and master chameleon, the fact that he’s has to basically lie through his teeth during each visit isn’t even an issue. In fact, that’s the easiest part of the strategy!
In another article series on this site called A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist, I use actual pieces of blog posts written by a very popular online sociopath to prove my point about how a narcissist thinks. To prove my point about compartmentalizing, I’ll use yet another blurb from that same blog:
For me, my Game Theory is not only one fashion of handling life, it’s also the concept of compartmentalization. As many people have commented, trying to keep everything in order (in regards to the lies, half-truths, manipulations, “games,” etc.) would be exceedingly difficult (for a sociopath/narcissist). And it would be, if the sociopath’s mind operated as a normal person’s. Everything in my mind is organized sort of like folders (compartments) and folder groups that you might find in, say, Windows Explorer; everything has its place. When a situation presents itself or I am with a certain friend or friend(s), I simply “open” up that folder and behave accordingly. When one’s mind is organized in such a way that no thought co-mingles with others, you don’t have the problem of “remembering all of the lies,” because you have everything you need neatly stored away, waiting to be accessed at the right time. This same concept of compartmentalization applies in all walks of (my) life, whether it be love, friendships, work, etc. Another benefit to compartmentalizing is that it enables oneself to keep track of “friend circles”, thus ensuring that none of these circles cross in any way; this can allow for you to more easily adapt to any number of given situations per friend circle. For example, for each different personality, I just find another lover (in addition to or instead of one you may already have). I find myself involved in many different circles, but almost as a ghost; I can walk in and out of these circles almost unnoticed and never be missed.
To imagine life as a narcissist, we must imagine ourselves moving in and out of these compartments whenever it served a beneficial purpose. A narcissist might have separate compartments for you, his other girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band or at the bar or home alone at his apartment. Then, when it’s convenient, he just moves in and out of the little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight when he leaves. He might be giving you the silent treatment while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won’t even know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they’re his only girlfriend. When a person is a pathological liar and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization is the way to go!
The fact that a narcissist is capable of having a long-term relationship with one person while carrying on a similar affair with one (or more) other persons is a constant source of angst for all of us. And I believe it’s not the cheating itself that is the biggest issue but rather the narcissist’s lack of conscience/emotion that appears to go with it. How does he do it without feeling a single thing? When confronted with an affair, my ex was able to fake remorse for only a day or two before he threw up his hands in exasperation and screamed “Get over it! I just didn’t think it was any big deal!” Excuse me? No big deal? This way of thinking, of course, isn’t normal because even an asshole knows that cheating is hurtful. But the narcissist, in his non-emphatic way of thinking, doesn’t see it that way. So, as hurtful as my ex’s response was to me, he was actually telling me a snippet of truth but at the time, I sure didn’t see it that way either and it caused me great distress.
In Part 2 of this article series I’ll go into depth about the lack of emotion and empathy in the narcissistic personality and how it works in perfect sync with the art of compartmentalizing.
veradero
December 29, 2019 at 6:39 pmwhy does the narcissist assume the gender of a “he” why are these articles gender based at all? overall bias?
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 3:59 pmHi veradero….first, this is my blog and my experience is with a narcissistic boyfriend so that is a big reason and second, I do try to use “he or she” as often as possible (but it doesn’t make for easy reading) or sometimes I will put a disclaimer in at the beginning of the article. I understand the problem and just do the best that I can to be inclusive. Thank you for writing…
Donna Mass
June 26, 2019 at 7:08 pmI’m definitely with a narcissist. He even told me he compartmentalizes. All of this is clicking now, what a fool I am. It’s been going on 5 years too. I really want to send him this article. What’s your thought on letting the narcissist know that you know all about narcissistic life. I’m so ready to tell all the people that he knows about it. I guess I’ve reached my threshold. Thanks for your work!
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 1:12 amHi Donna,
Well, apparently, someone already has told him he’s a narc and he’s looked it up. Guys don’t just come up with words like “compartmentalizes” to describe their behaviors. When a partner who you suspect to be a narc starts casually spewing the lingo and buzz words, you can pretty well be sure he’s been called it before and had to look it up. My theory is that it actually fascinates them….gives them an “out” for their behaviors. I wouldn’t say anything to him or even anyone else except those who might “get it”. Unless a person has actuially experienced the madness, they typically don’t know what the hell we’re saying.
Layla
May 29, 2019 at 7:31 amI was going thru something similar around the same exact time you wrote this comment, “greeneyedgirl”
We are not seeing each other now and boy did it end in disaster, and of course, so much hurt for me. And of course, not seemingly any for him. The only pain I think I truly cause him was the stress he had to deal with because of his wife finding out or questioning him or making home life harder for him in any way. And really, I didn’t cause it, he caused it to himself. Ugh.
I feel for you and I hope you are okay. I’m sure things now have gotten worse, more confusing, and possibly you’ve been left by him. I sure hope you have left him. I’m no trying to make fun or be mean or put you down, I just know how I felt is how you say you feel and I know how these things go. These people are 🐍 snakes. I am sorry. Please reply if you need to vent or talk to someone how really knows how it feels.(not that the people on this website don’t, they do too) but I am a person who wants to vent and talk too.🙂
greeneyedgirl
August 16, 2018 at 7:26 amHi Zari,
I need advice so badly. I feel like I’m going through the hardest chapter of my life at the moment and it is all due to a man who, from reading your article, does sound like a narcissist. I googled ‘compartmentalizing thoughts’, because I sure this is how he copes with things, and I found this article.
Let me give you a brief summary. Please don’t judge me, I’m not proud of myself. I have been having a sort of affair with my boss. I say sort of because we haven’t had sex, but we have done everything else. The reason we havent had sex is because he refuses to meet me outside of work, he says this is because he will get caught and one time he said it was because he has a small amount of morals (he is married, his wife has recently given birth.) I have always thought it is much riskier to do the things we have been doing at work, as anyone could walk in to his office at any time. I’m wondering if its just the risk he loves? I once asked him if he felt bad about what we are doing. His reply was “Yes, but I try to put it in a different box.”
I am completely and utterly in love with this man. I literally think about him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have lost over 2 stone in weight since this ‘affair’ has been going on (6 months) because I feel love sick, but also because I constantly feel anxious about whether he wants to continue what we’re doing. He will walk into a room if I’m in there alone and put his hand up my skirt and kiss me, he will pull me into an empty room if i’m walking past and kiss me. He tells me he misses me if we haven’t seen each other for a couple of days. He compliments me and tells me how hot I look and how much he wants me. He grabs hold of my hand and gently squeezes it if no one is looking. Then he can be so cold, he sometimes looks at me like he’s disgusted by me or will walk past me at work without saying a word. He says this is so that no one gets suspicious. I never know where I stand, if I get him alone long enough to ask him he says I worry too much. It’s as if this whole thing is normal to him, where as I feel like this is the craziest thing ever! He has told be before that he has never done anything like this, that he has never cheated on his wife, but he seems so good at it, he always has a plan, for example, if anyone at work comments on the fact i’m in his office, he thinks of a lie so quickly and casually.
We have zero contact outside of work. We used to text each other constantly, hundreds of texts a week until his wife read one, he always deleted them the minute they came through but this one time she saw a text on his fitbit. He was extremely stressed, I was surprised because he always seems so calm. He said she told him she was leaving him until he managed to talk his way out of it and made me message her to say how mortified I was and that the text was meant for my husband and that I had sent it to him by mistake. Ever since then (around 4-5 months ago) he has said I cannot text him and he wont text me or ring me. I find this really hard because I could always get reassurance from him that he liked me still from what he said in his texts. Now I have to wait sometimes days to see if I get a cheeky wink from him at work or if he calls me in for a ‘chat’ in his office.
I know what you must think, you must think i’m the biggest fool going to let him treat me like this. I am angry with myself that I’m allowing it to happen but you have to understand, he is the most charismatic, confident man I’ve ever met. Everyone adores him and I feel like I’d rather have this small percentage of attention from him than none.
During the time we were texting, he told me that he wishes we’d met earlier and that we’d be together now if we had. He used to send love heart emojis and tell me he can’t stop thinking about me and that he liked me so much. He has said all this but then can ignore me at work. Surely if I meant anything to him, he would meet me outside work, even for 5 minutes just to chat about things. He says his wife is on him all the time and can never get away.
I think he must be very good at compartmentalizing his thoughts, and this is why he can be so different with me on different days. I also wonder if he does things with other girls at work, there is one person he is particularly flirty with and she seems to spend alot of time in his office too!
I want to get over him, I want my life back but I feel like I’m addicted to him. I’ve gone into work so many times with the intention of avoiding him or finding the courage to tell him this needs to stop but I just cant.
He once told me he thinks we should do this forever and I was thrilled with this. But what does he get out of it really? It’s not like we’re having sex so it isn’t that. Is it just the power he loves? Or does he actually really like me like he says and is actually being quite decent by not going the whole way with me?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated Zari, I’m finding this so hard 🙁
Carolyn
June 9, 2018 at 10:39 pmI’m not sure if this is what I’m dealing with or not. My husband is a very successful professional in his forties whose career is known to breed compartmentalization. I often think of him as being two different people and have a hard time reconciling that two opposite sides can exist in one person. He has cultivated a persona after studying how to connect with others. He easily works a room and seems to be enjoying himself, but then tells me that the night ruined his weekend, that he hates people and only wants to be with me. He alternately adores me, worries about me, criticizes me and attacks me. I never know which version of him I’m coming home to. The people who work under him think he’s amazing. They see the qualities that I fell in love with. Oblivious to how he can punish me with silence for days, tell me not to bother coming home, or berate me with a list of faults and inadequacies, they tell me how much he loves me. I see him work his magic, and where I used to feel sad, I now increasingly feel frustrated that they get the better part of him and have no idea who he really is. That’s not to say that no one has seen how he can be; a friend of mine, both of our families, past neighbors and even a therapist have either witnessed or overheard his explosive anger.
Tonight something happened that perfectly illustrates what I’m describing. There had been a thunderstorm earlier in the evening. We went for a drive together and the roads were still wet. A motorcyclist was in the lane beside ours. He doesn’t like people who ride motorcycles and decided to alternately start speeding up and slowing down in order to hit puddles so that he could splash the guy. Predictably, the guy got mad and started yelling at my husband. My husband rolled down my window to shout back but I promptly rolled it back up again. He continued to engage in this behavior and was clearly enjoying himself at the expense of this complete stranger he referred to as a “fat f**k”. Within minutes, we’d returned home and were out walking past a house a couple of doors down from ours and saw that one of the neighbor’s trees had been severely damaged in the storm. My husband motioned to the guy (someone we don’t know) who was looking out his living room window, and offered to help move the large tree branch that’s broken off the tree.