Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.
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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.
The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.
On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.
Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.
You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.
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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.
In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?
Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.
The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.
Melissa
December 3, 2015 at 9:26 amMy spouse just started going to Sexual Addictions Anonymous meetings after being found out he was having an affair with my “best friend”. Insert barf face here. I knew there was more.
I had known he cheated on me a few times early on in our 13 year relationship, but I always chalked it up to a mistake in the situation he was in. Accidents happen I would tell myself. I didn’t realize how many it had actually been until I was at my complete all time low. I got out a pen and paper and thought really hard.
I came up with 11 incidents… that I knew of. Not all those were actually physical, but TRYING to be physical. I knew there was more. I pressed him for information. He told me about 3 more women. The tally is 14 different women. I mostly know all of them. And as sick as it is, I actually got into “swinging” with him. I opened the door to fuel his addiction to the extreme. We knew a vast amount of fellow perverts, and I occasionally gave him permission to go out and have sex with other women. These women are NOT included in the 14 mentioned previously. I don’t count those as part of this because I knew about them. I condoned a lot of things a healthy person wouldn’t stand for. I tried to stop that stuff a few times but it was another addicting temptation. He just kept getting pulled back in… and I allowed it.
I’m at a hard place right now. The answer is to leave but it’s not that easy. I pointed out to him that he’s most likely a narcissist AND a sex addict. He needs treatment for both regardless of whether I stay here with him or leave. I have doubts, but there’s hope as well. He is speaking with his therapist tomorrow about the discovery of his narcissism.
When I look at all the evidence and everything I’ve read, I know whole heartedly I should just leave him. But the reality is, I’m codependent and need to get myself out of that title before I do anything. I also have 2 children with this man child and refuse to subject them to a premature split when this is all so fresh. I do have hope that maybe therapy and the SA 12 step program might help him. I’m not forcing him to go, he made those decisions on his own.
He doesn’t get angry at my criticisms and constant questions. He can’t answer half of them either but it looks like he’s trying to feel sympathetic for what he’s done to me, to our family.
I have a plan. I’m working on my own independence and myself in general while he continues his own recovery. I’m not banking on anything but I need to have the means for supporting myself and my children before I do anything drastic.
I honestly don’t know why I’m posting this here. I guess I’m reaching out. I want to know wtf I’m supposed to do in this messed up situation I didn’t ask for. All I wanted was to feel loved the same way I love…
I do have a time frame in mind. I’m not going to subject myself to this for the rest of my life. I just have to give him a chance because I do really love him and all this just came to fruition very recently.
Sorry for the long ish post! This is actually the very very short version.
tanja
December 25, 2015 at 11:22 pmPeople make mistake and people who do tries very hard to not make the same mistake again but with some people there mistakes become a habit. A habit they continue over and over again. So the question is, why keep loving them, when they surely don’t love you.
Zari Ballard
December 26, 2015 at 12:10 amHi Melissa,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond and I hope you had a nice Xmas (under the circumstances). It’s hard for me to make an objective observation about your situation. No matter what, I will/would never be “okay” with my man having sex with other women and I’m pretty sure I speak for 99.9999% of the women that post here. You’re a better woman than I if you were able to handle that. As you already know, that lifestyle doesn’t work unless both partners are completely into it. I think it’s, to use your words, “sick” and, yes, allowing him to do it and even participating in it yourself just egged him on. I can only assume – because you obviously are more lenient when it comes to cheating than most women – that this is why you are even considering giving him another chance. My question to you now would be: what are you giving him another chance to do? To be monogamous? Because I’ll tell you right now…that is never going to happen. Sexual “addicts” can’t be fixed – if that’s even what he is. Secondly, narcissism can’t be “treated”. It is un-fixable. Narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with what they do and, in fact, feel perfectly entitled to do it. Based on what you’ve told me, if he truly is a narcissist, he is going to fuck anything and everything (i.e the best friend) until the end of time. Yes, this is a very messed up situation.
I know you say that this all just came to fruition recently but the fact is that it’s been going on for a very long time. What came to fruition is that you basically figured it out. The no-answer “look” that he gives you when you ask questions is what we call the narcissistic blank stare. He can’t provide answers because he doesn’t have any. The truth is that you caught him…figured it out…or else he’d just be continuing on without an ounce of remorse. Good luck with this because narcissism is un-fixable and cannot be “treated”. Just remember that. Time is a’wastin’ and life is was too short for any of this crap.
Best of luck to you and your family….
Zari xo
Felicia
November 15, 2015 at 7:50 pmEverything you said in this post was me and my N too. I’ve always thought he’s on the sadistic side when it comes to sex and would do it with both sexes , more than one at a time and liked to be rough. He took control in the bedroom and it was hot and exciting but there were times he would cross the line of normal. Eeeek.!!
Carolyn LeBleu
October 24, 2015 at 9:43 pmI live this way for 16 yrs and never understood what was wrong till I started reading your articles… I have been divorced since 2010 and able to stop having contact with this person since 2013…. I found just not responding was the best way to remove the control they try to have over you….. I no longer will allow this person back in my life …he still try to provoke or make contact through Social Media ….I simply ignore all… this type of person can be very dangerous .. never know what they may do ….any love I felt has been replaced with fear…and never wanting to be around anyone like this again…. Thanks for sharing the material …. this really helped me understand much better !!
Jenny
October 6, 2015 at 8:25 amI have clearly been in a relationship with NPD. I actually “kind of” caught him a few times but his lies were so good I chose to believe. I was addicted to him I think. This man was the 1st person I dated after an 18 year marriage with a man that cheated and in the end becoming an alcoholic going through rehab twice. We had amazing sex as well, due to the emotional roller coaster. I finally got the strength the leave. I met my NPD partner and thought I found heaven!! I thought I would marry this man, he is amazing, the sex is amazing. But over the last year and half it has been the most depressing, hurtful, uncomfortable relationship I could have imagined. Worse than with my exhusband. Even after he knew all I went through before, he still dissapeared conveniently, ignored texts, or dead responses, invites me on vacations, party’s, etc. just to cancel or just not mention it again and go without me. When he would finally come back around to me and we were physically together, he knew just what to say :(. I would spend the night, have an amazing night and morning of sex, while I’m thinking, he finally is going to allow himself to love me! We will finally work this out!, just for him to dissapear again. I caught a lady at his house 3 1/2 weeks ago and it was devistating but I truly am done, even though secretly, I miss him and just wish he was the man I fell in love with, but that was his false self. I’m starting to finally feel a little more normal. He called 20 min after I caught him with lies rolling off his tongue so easy. I told him to go fuck himself, I’m over his lies and bullshit. I blocked him on my phone and FB. My question is, does anyone, the author, ever find themselves in a normal healthy relationship with great sex after this?? I read so much but never hear an end saying, I found Mr. Wonderful after all the heartbreak. It can happen and if so, how?? Or are we destined to repeat this pattern because we also are addicted to the rush, the emotional roller coaster, the amazing sex. It is all exciting! But also devistating, horribly uncomfortable, and lowers our own sense of self, putting ALL our energy thinking, studying, researching, and worrying about how to make it better or fix it. Please, any helpful advice… On a possibly happier more normal future. I am educAted, considered very attractive and fun. I own my own home and am raising two amazing boys. I know my worth…why do I allow this :(. Thank you
Zari Ballard
October 17, 2015 at 5:41 pmHi Jenny,
Thank you for sharing and please, if you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie because it’s a book about your life. It will validate/confirm everything, every suspicion you ever had. Believe me, you are in good company.
Yes, love does happen again and under normal circumstances. For myself, I’m still single and it’s been three years but this has been my choice. There are plenty of women here who have found a good man and enjoy a happy, normal relationship. Many come back here just to help others because they know the awful feeling of being in this mess. Don’t give up on love…OF COURSE you will have a normal future.
What I do suggest, though, is staying single for awhile, especially after this last incident. Work on creating boundaries and deal-breakers and getting your head clear. The reason we fall into the mudpit is because we let our boundaries go or never really connected with them to begin with. Narcissists are hard-wired to figure this out from DAY ONE, I swear. They will play on our past experiences because we allow too much of ourselves to be an open book. Unfortunately, this person takes advantage of our every little weakness, using it against us and at the same time to lure us in.
As for why you allow it….look, it’s NOT abnormal to believe that the person we care about and who seems to reciprocate our feelings is telling us the truth. How can we blame ourselves for that? And who wants to give up on love? No one. But we do need to be careful and we do need to learn the red flags and recognize them when we see them. Life is a learning process, girl, and like the old saying goes, no one said it was easy.
Please read the book if you can because I know it will make you feel a whole lot better. And I do provide phone consultations is you ever want one-on-one support. Sometimes talking with someone who knows exactly what you’re going through can make a world of difference!
Stay strong & I’m here for you!
Zari xo
Deborah Tyner
October 18, 2015 at 5:16 amThank you, Zari. You save lives with this work. I look forward to reading your book.
Zari Ballard
October 19, 2015 at 4:23 pmThank you, Deborah:) I hope you enjoy the book and keep fighting the good fight. You’re never in it alone – I promise!
Zari xo
Maria M
September 23, 2015 at 5:22 amI tried to pin-point what the guy I was going out with suffered from, since something was amiss. Came across yr words yesterday after searching and searching. Was so happy to know who and what he really is now. I kept doubting my concerns but now after yr wise words, gosh yes! and I won’t allow it anymore. out the window. thank you from the bottom of my hearts. yr words saved me!
all the best for you since I am sure you more than deserve it! twelve years! you poor you! I was just 4 months when something didn’t smell right.
Maria M
Zari Ballard
September 26, 2015 at 8:24 pmHi Maria,
Thank you for writing and I’m grateful you found your way to my website. Four months is long enough to suffer with these bastards. Learn from my mistakes and get out while you can with your sanity and self-worth:) If you really want some empowerment, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. In my story, you will absolutely see your own and it will open up your eyes even more!
Stay strong and I’m always here if you need me…
Zari xo
Linda
September 28, 2015 at 1:30 pmZari: I have your book “When Love is a Lie” and it has saved my sanity. As I read, sometimes I am shocked at my own behavior and sickened at what I now see is happening in the relationship. But, I cannot thank you enough. I’m still in it; still coming out of denial, too. I’m also getting a lot stronger, taking much better care of myself, and I’m pretty sure the next silent treatment will be much different. Thank you!
Zari Ballard
September 28, 2015 at 10:46 pmHi Linda,
Thank you for writing and I’m so grateful that you’ve found the book helpful! Sometimes we have to see our life played out on the written page before we can actually grasp the reality of what’s happening. The abuse is so covert sometimes that NO ONE can possibly understand it unless they’ve had the experience. Keep reading and staying educated and you’ll continually get stronger mentally.
Stay strong & if you would be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon, I’d be most grateful:) Feel free to write here any time and share your progress along the journey, Linda. Recovery is a team effort and I’m here to support you…
Zari xo
Jane.d
August 29, 2015 at 5:25 amI’m in a marriage where sex happens almost like once in a blue moon.whenever he wants and just don’t care about my needs .it would take a million asking until he gives me sex.. I feel like a kid asking for candy. …everything written on this blog about a narcissist withholding sex fits my husband 1000%.
He cannot have sex with me but the porn is crazy
He. Even told me he’d rather have porn coz it’s quick and no sweat. Are you kidding me. .he would tell me,oh why won’t you just find sex elsewhere. .my heart sank,here you are doing your all to be faithful despite the fact of ZERO sex,yet he tells me that? It’s so heartbreaking. ..I’m totally heart broken
Zari Ballard
September 11, 2015 at 4:53 pmHi Jane.d,
Please forgive me for taking so long to respond. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Narcissists know what they’re doing, that’s for sure. I’m thinking it’s time to let this one go. You deserve happiness and this guy is never going to give it to you. To me, given the circumstance, the porn is completely unacceptable. He needs to give it up or get the hell out. Everyone needs to be touched in a loving way…we’re human beings and this is a large part of who we are. If the person that we love won’t do that for us in the way that we deserve, then we have to ask ourselves if this is the way that we want to spend the rest of our lives. Life is so short and you deserve to be happy. Your heart deserves to be whole…to be mended. Take a stand and step back. Think about this really hard and make a choice somehow, someway.
Again, please forgive me for the delay in sending you a message. I try so hard to respond to every one in a timely manner. I am very aware that there are broken hearts here and I remember my own very well. Please read through the articles on this blog and fill your head with knowledge about this kind of emotional abuse. These creatures never ever change – ever. In light of this fact, there is only one choice that we should ever really make for ourselves.
Stay strong and know that I am here to support you…
Zari xo
Jenny
August 16, 2015 at 7:01 amThank you for your support Zaria…
I still find it difficult to understand how he worked.
To entice someone to leave a long term marriage when he knew he wasn’t in it for the long term is incredible.
I think he was cheating within weeks of us getting together.. There were signs that I questioned but he fobbed me off. I think an old gf had been in touch and they had sex in his bed.
That should have sent me packing …
We had a row at a party and I found him outside kissing a woman ( who knew he was with me) he more or less immediately started to see her… And it was her he was seeing when we were found out and I had to leave my marriage. He saw her towards the middle of our 8 year ‘ relationship’ again as well as others I had unearthed. Free for 9 months now… He’s seeing someone else now…( his business of course) yet I still have days when I wonder if this time he really has fallen in love. I know this is ridiculous thinking because I also don’t give a damn. I’m sure by now he will be lying and causing her some concern. It took him 7 years with me before he mentioned the tranny and bi sexual fetish… We had great straight sex before… But as that became more important to him he couldn’t even touch me … Whine saying he still loved me deeply… Our sex life consisted of texts with him telling me sordid details of what he wanted to do to men! He begged me to penetrate him using a strap on and when it dawned on him I never would he abruptly ended us !
This new woman will have been told that I’m mad etc… It seems so unfair…