Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.
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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.
The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.
On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.
Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.
You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.
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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.
In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?
Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.
The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.
Janet
September 15, 2018 at 12:48 pmThis made my stomach hurt to read. It almost sounds like we were with the same man. I remember one thing that always puzzled me about him was how turned on he seemed to be immediately after a big argument. I could be standing there sobbing with tears streaming down my face and suddenly he would be kissing me very passionately and pressing his erection up against me to show me how horny he was.
"Love-Bombed"
August 15, 2018 at 6:13 amAfter many years of being apart, I was contacted by an old boyfriend, whom I had dated for three years, decades ago. I was divorced and he was in the final stages of his (third) divorce. I was thrilled to hear from him, and we rekindled our romance. He called me several times a day, and professed his “love” for me. Saying such things like he had “wasted decades without me; we would now be together forever; how could he have lived without me.” He “would never let me go again”. We met and spent two weeks together and had a wonderful time. He was extremely affectionate and the sex and attention was intoxicating, addicting and the “Hook”. I was being “love-bombed”. He said that we were in an “exclusive committed relationship”, even though we live across country from one another. He said that we should both sell our homes and buy one together and be together forever.
He bought me a ticket and insisted that I spend several weeks at his home, which I did. I immediately realized that he had a “Harem” (his words} of neighbor women,(married and widowed} and ex-wives, etc. They called constantly and he took the calls privately. If they didn’t call him, he called them. He spent hours on the phone with his “Harem”, talking sexy to them, and even interrupting our intimate times to take their calls. When I complained to him, he said that if we ever broke up, it would be because I couldn’t get along with his “friends”. We had to socialize with his Harem a lot. One instance that was upsetting to me was when he and one of the married women (whose husband was gone) kissed on the lips several times, while embracing. When I complained to him later, he told me that I’d better get used to her, because I would be seeing a lot of her. On my next visit to his home, and after I had explained to him how bad the kissing incident made me feel, he promised NOT to kiss her again. When we went to a neighborhood gathering, that is exactly what he did and twice! He ran up to her, they embraced (with bare legs and arms wrapped around each other) and kissed several times, twice! When we got home, I told him to take me to a hotel and he refused, saying that he loved me and that I am his “future”.
Another one of his “Harem” called constantly and insisted on driving us to bars and restaurants, even though I objected. Once we got there, he totally ignored me and they talked affectionately to each other. When I told him that I didn’t want to be with her again, she called and invited herself along to breakfast with us, even though I was leaving that day. Once again I was ignored and they only had eyes and flirtations for each other, causing me much heartache. When I complained to him later, he totally denied it and said that I am crazy, saying that she and the other neighbor women had NO interest sexually in him, and vice versa. However, he sees this woman practically every day and/ or night. She took him to the airport when he was flying to visit me. When I picked him up at the airport, it looked as though he had had sex, by the “rash” on his face and chest . However, I did not mention it, because I could not prove it and he would say that i was “delusional”,(which is what he says when I ask him about other women). He kept covering his lower face with his hands, either trying to draw attention to the rash or trying to cover it. However, I said nothing. Then when we were in bed. he mentioned her. He said: “She only weighed 160 when she was sitting on my face”! (How was that cruel comment supposed to make me feel? Hot for his program? Jealous enough to make me love him more? I think not!) Then when I started to cry, of course I was “jealous and delusional” and “she would NEVER have sex with him and vice versa!” Oddly enough, this is the same woman whom he says is “stupid and boring”. Meanwhile, the great chemistry and great sex that we had shared in the past, was now gone! (Prior to this cruel and abusive comment, we had had sex, if you can call it that. It certainly wasn’t “making love”. There was no foreplay, no after glow or cuddling. Not even any kisses or hugs. It was about as romantic as shoving a quarter in a parking meter. Hey, a man can have sex without even touching or holding the woman with his hands. “Look Ma, No Hands Sex”!). Therefore, he was/is withholding the love-making and affection that hooked me in the first place. However, when we visited his friends, he kissed the women and hugged them. He showered other women with affection and compliments, while ignoring me (at best) , and making derogatory comments about me, disguised as “jokes”. When I complained about the mean “jokes” and especially the comment that “She weighed 160 when she was sitting on (his) face”; he said that he was only “joking” and that I am “jealous” and “delusional”. Meanwhile, since he has returned to his home, he is spending time with the woman who in his cruel joke “sat on his face”; but of course, I am “delusional” for even suspecting or asking if they have sex! Yes, I know that our relationship that started out to be a “great romance”, has now disintegrated into a crazy-making nightmare. Of course, I long for the “love-bombing” romance that we once had, but of course, knowing what I now know, I pray for love and peace.
Tamara
August 5, 2018 at 6:19 pmDear Zari.
You have described my 25 year’s of marriage to a narc to perfection. First he traped me into thinking we’ll be together then used the withholding sex method.
But when I found him out, everything for me fell in to place I can see everything clearly.
Thing is we have children between us and it tears me apart when my adult children spend time with him because I know how much of a lier, manipulater, cheater, deceiver that he is, I don’t want them to get hurt again or be manipulated treated the way he did me.
Trying to heal.
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2018 at 12:59 amHi Tamara,
First of all, 25 years is a long time so give yourself some credit for anything that you’re feeling. You don’t say that you are separated but since you are trying to heal, I imagine that you are. The kids…well, you can’t do much about that. They are adults and you can’t protect them forever. I’m assuming they’ve grown up with him so they KNOW him. He likely has ALREADY manipulated them and they have learned to mitigate it or simply put up with it. You have to let this go and just be the best mom you can be so that if they come to you, you will be there with all your wisdom and be able to help them through it. Kids – young and adult – are very resilient and you need not worry:) I wish you the best….xo
Zari:)
Kellie
August 2, 2018 at 9:51 amH, i Everyone, I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I was in it for 42 years. For people who say why did you stay so long, they
have no idea what it is like, We are brainwashed. I had NO self worth after being told no one would want me. I would rather be on my own and lonely because I was soooo lonely living with the abuser. His physical violence became so bad I feared for my life after being pushed down the srairs and picked up by my ankles and thrown outside I knew I had to get out. It is not easy but YOU can do it with help nd support from the right people. NEVER GIVE UP
Kellie,
Deb
May 16, 2018 at 10:04 pmAnd yet you stayed…how long?
Broken
April 28, 2018 at 7:25 pmHow do you leave the situation if you have no where to go? I am the mistress. Together for over a decade and cycled through every part of what you or others have written about and kept holding on. I now have no friends, family is broken, financially no way to move or change my life or prospects. He on the other hand has a high paying job, several real estate, wife who will never leave and even more codependent than you could describe. He has friends and family and social to a tee. He glimmers and glows whilst I burn in the hell created and stuck in, suicidal repeatedly, cancer stricken too on more than one occasion and at a total loss.
Is there really an out ???? Is there really an hope at all ????
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 2:52 pmHi Broken,
I don’t know what you mean by you “have no where to go”. Do you have a place to live and a job? If you do, that’s all you need. You can start your life anywhere and the farther away you get from your situation with this jerk, the better. And by the way, he may have told you that his wife will never leave but the truth is that he has no intention of leaving her and never did. This is how the married narcissist rolls. Leave his ass and see how your health improves once the fog of sadness has lifted. I have seen this happen over and over again with the people who contact me or write here. You can do this…
Zari xo
Deb
April 16, 2018 at 1:42 pmThe above comment by “Deb Codding” was posted by Kim Barwick. She is welcome to post her thoughts using her own name. It is understandable that she is angry and bitter, but harassing the women surrounding the man she can’t have in any legitimate way by posting comments or making fake profiles or calling/texting people representing herself as another person is not “telling the truth” but playground bully behavior. If she is truly happy with the man as she claims, she would instead, invest that energy into enjoying living in the moment and not worry about what he does when he CHOOSES not to be with her.