I’ve never really given much credence to clinical narcissist types – classic, somatic, cerebral etc. – because, to me, when we’re talking about the narcissistic mentality, it’s all the same albeit slight variations depending upon the circumstance. Now, having said that, I do absolutely believe that there exists two very specific non-clinical types – that being the Low-Level Narcissist and the High-Level Narcissist – and the major difference between the two is MONEY. I discovered this distinction ages ago in a book about narcissism entitled Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Having corresponded with countless victims of narcissist abuse, it is clear to me that whether or not the narcissistic partner has money becomes a definitive relationship game-changer. Not only is a wad of cash and a lavish lifestyle key to how the high-level narcissist behaves and how the abuse plays out over time, it is also key to how the victim reacts to certain behaviors and how long she’ll stay in the relationship. A narcissist with money, like Mr. Big in Sex in the City, is capable of spinning the normal narcissistic tactics to a different level simply because he has a bigger and more expensive bag of tricks. Indeed, the high-level narcissist, like the irresistible but nefarious Mr. Big, is a 5-Star Deception.
My ex, of course, was a low level N and money was a constant source of contention. For 13-years, I always felt the pinch of shouldering the finances in the relationship. It’s not that my ex never had money because, for the most part, he always had a job. However, a low-level narcissist parades through life with a much different mindset of, say, a Mr. Big. A low-level, even with a pocketful of cash and steady blue-collar paychecks, will always appear to have no money at all when it comes to pulling his weight in the relationship. I attribute this to one very important characteristic of low-levels: they do not like to share. My ex was actually very open about this – even during the Idolize Phase. On one of our very first “dates”, I remember voluntarily paying for drinks all night long simply because I was love-bombed and had money. Hours later, as we stumbled into the parking lot, he was quick to remark on my amazing generosity…“Wow. You’re so cool. I hate it when girls expect the guy to pay for every little thing. It’s so annoying.” Just as telling as his statement was my reaction to it: I believe I was flattered. In retrospect, this night set the stage for the rest of the relationship. Low-level red flags don’t get much bigger than that… but when there’s money involved, the red flags aren’t so obvious.
The high-level narcissist, like a Mr. Big, provides a target with a much different Idolize Phase simply because he can. A high-level N has money and the means to make a whole lot more of it and, thus, the first few dates set a far more lavish stage on which the relationship will play itself out. The target, as the narcissist intends, automatically begins to associate the “fun” of money, gifts, and vacations with love and affection. Love-bombing is ramped up, future-faking begins, and a target begins to live out the fairytale. Even though her gut instinct screams too much too soon and WAY too good to be true, the high-level N will reassure over and over that love is a part of the whole deal. Come on, you worry too much…let’s go away for the weekend. Anywhere you want to go…What girl in her right mind wouldn’t want to believe it?
Now, while a high-level certainly appears to be willing to share, I guarantee it isn’t because he’s particularly crazy about the target he’s sharing with. High-level narcissists like to have fun – lots of fun – and having a date for all the fun is very convenient and beneficial. At opportune times, he will hold all of this fun over the target’s head like a carrot, threatening to withhold it much like a low-level withholds tid-bits of affection and/or sex. Each type of narcissist manages down the expectations of the target accordingly so that the end always justifies the means. I will also add that, because she’s dealing with a Mr. Big, the victim partner of a high-level suffers a bigger let down than the victim of a low level simply because the HIGHS are so HIGH. Instead of someone (like me) who, in response to a Discard, might be thinking Oh My God, how could he leave me like that? We had such a nice weekend hanging out together!, the victim of a high-level might feel Oh My God, how could he just up and leave me?? The cruise ship has barely left the dock!
High-level narcissists are also more capable of pulling off long-distance manipulation and deception. For instance, going No Contact when the narcissist lives 500 miles away can suddenly become as difficult as if he lived across town. One woman I spoke to during a consultation complained that every time she tried to end it, her high-level simply hopped on a plane and showed up on her doorstep. Cheating, as well, gets ramped up a notch or two. Another woman described to me how her high-level not only had multiple affairs, he also apparently arranged extravagant vacations with each so that they ran back to back. She discovered that her N was putting on his best face for for all trips – so much so that each woman thought for sure that a marriage proposal was imminent. Certainly, low-levels string more than one target along all the time but they have to work a whole lot harder with far less resources! Having money makes the process of compartmentalizing that much easier.
While it may appear to be a concrete method of “figuring them out”, slipping narcissists into files marked cerebral, somatic, and classic just doesn’t work for me. My thinking is that if these categories were pertinent, there would be a long list of behaviors exclusive for each and there just isn’t. I correspond with literally hundreds upon hundreds of target partners and, for the most part, we’ve all be hanging around with the same guy. Sure, one narcissist may be a tad smarter than the next or more educated or better in bed or funnier or better with lies on the fly or whatever but these variances, in the long run, are nothing compared to the narcissistic behaviors that we all experience…the silent treatment, the soul-mate effect, disappearances/reappearances, the Cell Phone Game, the word garbage and pathological lying. So, all things in narcissist land being equal, the only thing that I see that makes any significant difference at all is MONEY.
A narcissist with money creates the 5-Star Deception! And the 5-Star Deception means hell for anyone caught up in the narcissist’s fairy tale. You must be willing to let the 5-Star lifestyle go in order to recover. You must be willing to realize it’s a deception and that you are worth far more than the most expensive vacation he can take you on. What good is an extravagant vacation or a beautiful gift if it has the potential to be a very bad memory? Always remember that even with all his money, he will still use you more than you can ever even begin to use him.
The only way to win is to go No Contact and stay no contact. Whether the narcissist has money or not, his “bad” is still as good as he’s ever going to get.
Stay Strong!
Tia
July 14, 2015 at 12:13 amI just finished your book. It was right on with what I had been dealing with for 6 years. I think my ex is more like a mid level narcissist. He always had a job even though he changed it often. When he worked and had money, he was very generous. He would take me out with no limit on anything. Hand me money here and there for no reason at all. Call me with a concerning voice inquiring if I needed any money for anything or to just have for whatever. Of course, I had no clue what he was doing but now I can see, looking back, just how manipulative he was. Last week I found out by accident that he lost his job. The day before I found out, he told me that his job was pressuring him to sign a contract but he didn’t know what to do because he’s waiting for me to get my job which could be anywhere in the U.S. Long story short, I am a journalist, I moved to a different state last year but I got sick and had to return home which meant I had to quit my job. So now I am no longer sick, and am looking for another job. So I plan to move wherever I get hired. So this asshole narcissist was putting pressure on me about whether he should sign the contract with his job or not. It turns into a huge argument which also had to do with him cheating. The very next day, I go to a doctors appt which happens to be in the same building as his job, I ask for him and they tell me he no longer works there. I’m shocked and concerned for him. I worried about his sorry ass until it dawned on me that he told me a bold face lie just the day before. The manipulation really got to me because it was just so blatant. I actually think he had been laid off for a couple of weeks.
We actually broke up in March because I found out he cheated on me with his ex wife and other women, I moved back to town in April, moved all of my stuff out of the apartment we had together. He begged me to come back, denied the cheating but admitted his ex wife had spent the night without them having sex. No, I never once believed him. Yet, I still got sucked back in….that’s exactly how it felt…sucked in with nothing to grab onto. I decided not to commit to him but apparently that didn’t matter as long as I “acted like” I was back. But I desperately wanted to get away from him. From the moment I got back in town to now, I wanted away from him but the sucking in was just too strong. Then, Zari, I found your book and even though it’s only been a few days, it’s given me an incite and strength that feels different than before. Finally, someone who actually knows what I’m feeling….who knows the pull…my friends nor my family don’t “get it” and I can’t explain it. So I don’t even try.
I say all this to say….Thank you for writing that book. As crazy as it sounds, I’m debating on sending a copy anonymously to my exs, ex wife. She’s way more twisted than I am, she’s been dealing with him for over 25 years and I, in another weird way, feel sorry for her. She has children by him and she’s messed up behind him. It’s just a thought that I have to think through first.
Melinda
July 12, 2015 at 3:14 pmHi. I am new to your books and the resonance is incredible. It’s been 16 years since I meet R, in that time there was a period of 10 years with no communication… this was his silence. It took many tears to get over him… before this silence he came to me and said don’t settle down I will come back for you, I just want to get married and have a child. Sure enough he came looking for me. The relationship started fantastically… He couldn’t do enough for me. 6 months in the lies started and so did the women. It’s been 4 yrs now and the silent treatments are getting longer and the women flaunted openly. He said we were best friends and no body knows him like i do.. basically he told me what I wanted to hear and he slipped out of bed into someone else’s the day after. Now he’s seeing someone yrs younger, his agenda he wants another child. This time just when I think we can be just friends, the silent treatment has started and is horrendous. I have tried no contact but 2 days later I contact him in the hope there is some civil communication. I can’t function and i’m crying myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know who to turn too my friends are fed up with it so I don’t speak to them about it. I feel alone and vulnerable. I have only just found your website and i’m hoping someone out there can help me get through this terrible mess.
Thanks for reading
mel
Carolynn
July 10, 2015 at 1:46 pmTHANK YOU for acknowleding Mr. Big as a narcissist. It’s crazy the hero worship that guy still gets. He’s not a love interest, he’s a parasite who strings Carrie along for 7 seasons and treats all the women in his life like crap. Like how can anyone watch scenes like this and not see manipulation and creepiness? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwlaeuDh7yI
I thought it was very telling later in the series when Carrie moves to Paris and Big swoops back into her life and demands to know what she’s up to and how dare she move to Europe without telling him. Such a narc move. I think it’s alarming so many women still think Big is this knight in shining armor. Thanks for bringing him up because he’s definitely a narcissist and guys like this shouldn’t be put on a pedestal of what’s healthy and normal.
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2015 at 3:49 pmHi Carolynn,
Oh My God…I can’t believe you posted that particular clip! I mention that very episode in a comment in this section to BethD. It always stuck in my mind…the arrogance – of BOTH of them really – but mostly Big and how he STILL, at the end, as he sits in that waiting room, actually says “I’ll call you.” Sickening. That whole episode is cringeworthy…the cheating in the apartment he shares w/ his wife, Natasha catching Carrie, the chase down the stairs and Natasha falling and knocking her teeth out….it just kept getting worse and worse…so depressing.
And absolutely the Paris debacle…a-ha! Here’s the clip to that episode where she screams something we’ve ALL screamed: What, do you have a radar or something? Did ya think, hey Carrie might be happy so I think I’ll show back up?? and then she gets sucked in again. Again, we’ve all been there albeit on different levels. I mean, granted, the affair kept us all interested for the seven seasons, waiting – and predicting (for some of us!) – what was coming. It did for me. And THEN the horrible first attempt at a wedding where he backs out on the phone and her face (“Oh my God, he’s not coming”) and how she attacks him in the street. We’ve all been THERE albeit slightly different (and maybe even the same) circumstances. I thought – that HAD to be it, right? Later, when the TV show ended with the two of them “back for another round” and THEN they MARRIED in the movie, I thought Maybe it’s just me but isn’t this guy a fucking narcissist????? They’re going to MARRY these two?? Seriously? LOLOL Sometimes I would watch that show with a knot in my stomach. In so many ways, it reflected my life. I was writer, on my own, wrapped up in this jerk, treating nice guys not very nice, couldn’t explain it (not even to myself)…All of us here could relate to that bullshit and we see the show/relationship very differently than millions of others.
So, here’s the deal: unless a person has been involved with a narcissist – a Mr. Big or a low-level – they just don’t “get it”. Many, many people didn’t “get” that part of this show – his character and what he was allowed to do. To everyone, he was just a hot jet-setter and he and Carrie ending up together was the perfect ending. I, personally, was mortified! It was very disturbing just for the fact that media entertainment encourages the timeline of events…encourages us to go back because there might be a happy ending that will stick. No wonder we all kept trying. But hell…it WAS a great show, wasn’t it???
Thanks for your input…it’s always appreciated!:)
Zari xo
Carolynn
July 10, 2015 at 6:19 pmI really wish the series had ended with Carrie telling Big off and moving to Paris. I know why the writers hooked them up at the end: because it continued the societal myth that a woman’s love can change a damaged myth. It’s a classic that spans back to “Beauty and the Beast.” It’s unrealistic and exhausting. In real life, IF Carrie ever gotten him to the altar, he still would have been emotionally absent and a philanderer.
Do you notice in that scene you linked, where Big’s waiting outside Carrie’s apartment, he refuses to hear her “no”? She specifically says she has to go, the girls are waiting for her, and Big says in a snotty way, “It’s 5:45.” Like it’s way too early in the evening, Carrie’s being ridiculous, and her schedule is obviously unimportant. It’s a subtle exchange but it set off my Narc Alert. Big’s needs always come first and he expects Carrie to drop everything for him at a moment’s notice.
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 3:44 pmHi Carolyn,
Oh sooooo many scenes, moments, phrases, sentences from that show resonated with me. I noticed exactly what you’re talking about in that scene. It’s an example of total word garbage…a distraction reaction to throw her off guard, make her change her mind, to diminish her plans. Since we started talking about it, I’ve now refreshed my memory by watching a hundred clips on YouTube.
Think about it…the producers could have chosen to end the show by having Carrie marry Aiden but noooooooooooooooooooo…..that would have pushed a narrative akin to nice guys finishing first or women finally making a positive choice. And no, no, no we can’t have that! HA HA!
And so it ends with the narcissist winning for the umpteenth time!!! YIKES!
Zari xo
Christine
July 15, 2015 at 2:24 pmPreaching to the choir girls…hey I was Team Aiden all the way! I say that as someone who is now with a real life Aiden, after a real life Mr. Big. I never liked Mr. Big even before my whole narc experience, but cringe even more now looking back at those clips. My narc was like that too, always expected me to drop everything for him at a moment’s notice, almost more like I was a dog than a human being–like, he expected me to “heel” when he snapped his fingers. I’ll never forget one time when he was so angry with me for not coming over to his place when he wanted me to, because I had promised my sister I would look after my little nephew. I’ll never quite understand it, but my narc always seemed to hate my nephew with a passion and hated the love I have for him (and how screwed up is that? Who can hate an adorable little boy? By contrast, my nice guy loves my nephew too and really doesn’t mind if I spend time with friends/family, and is willing to reschedule our times together to accommodate that–just as I also understand when he goes to see his family. We don’t seriously expect the other to revolve their whole existence around the other one). Such textbook narcissism, Carrie’s needs just don’t exist in his mind–no wonder we all sort of lose parts of ourselves with these toxic partners, because we need to deny our own needs to constantly meet theirs.
Zari Ballard
July 17, 2015 at 4:24 pmHi Christine,
Yes, “like a dog” is a good way to describe the way a narcissist expects his target to behave. And the jealousy over the ridiculous, check it out: About eight years ago, I bought a little turtle from a dollar store, basically saving it from what would have surely been a slow death on the shelf. Well, she was as big as a quarter and I fell in love, nursing her back to health (she’s a beautiful very big girl now!), and creating a nice home for her. The N was with me when I bought her and would actually sit by the tank and play guitar because he thought she could feel the vibrations – how sweet, right? Well, wait. So, one day he starts ignoring me and acting like a complete asshole. This goes on for days and finally we start screaming and he goes into this big tirade about how I show more love to the turtle than I do to him. I couldn’t believe it and I let him know it…Is this about the turtle?? THE TURTLE?? Are you kidding me??. His response was that I was making him feel like an idiot…Because you ARE an idiot!…and then he disappeared for a week. When he reappeared, he went right back to playing the guitar in front of the tank like nothing happened. Of course, now, in retrospect, it probably wasn’t about the turtle at all just like it probably had nothing to do really with your nephew…they probably had to get back to someone pretty quick or who knows? It’s all about keeping us on out tip-toes and off-balance and feeling uncomfortable about everything we do! Ha- ha!!
Congrats on getting an Aiden! How cool is that? You deserve it!
Zari xo
anonymous
July 9, 2015 at 11:08 pmyeah I am going out with a narcissist.For the last 7 yrs. He is a habitual liar and a cheat who believes his own lies and gets highly upset when I refuse to. I just told him I am on to his lies and cheating behind my back and now its payback time. I am not going to say woe is me etc. I am going to say what comes around goes around and I am going to undo everything that I have ever done for him and when I get done he wont have NOTHING. Sucks to be him. So sad too bad. I will teach him not to play with FIRE. lol.
BethD
July 9, 2015 at 9:25 pmExcellent Zari. All great points. High level Narcs are the true wolf in sheeps clothing. They are successful usually and really feel entitled to get whatever they want. Yes Mr Big was a Narc, Don from Madmen and don’t forget Tiger Woods. These guys lie with the greatest of ease and their 5 star deception serves them well. So many women stay with them for the duration since it is so hard to leave the fantasy they create. Of course they eventually get discarded and are left in pieces. These men leave a trail of broken hearts and are probably more able to juggle more than one woman at same time….ya know business trips, golf outings, business dinners. I am ecstatic to be done with my high level. It was fun until it wasn’t. I think of it as a really big roller coaster. So much fun but then too much so you end up sick to your stomach. I traded 5 star deception for the qualities of honesty, trust, respect, and shared values. So much happier and peaceful. Thanks for another great post Zari!
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 4:00 pmBethD wrote...So much fun but then too much so you end up sick to your stomach. I traded 5 star deception for the qualities of honesty, trust, respect, and shared values. So much happier and peaceful. Amen!!! xxoo
Christine
July 9, 2015 at 3:33 pmI think mine was a high level narcissist. He initially wined and dined me with expensive dinners, and future-faking promises of exotic vacations.
Now that he’s no longer in my life, I actually still have all those nice things–but without the narcissistic strings attached! Now when I want a fancy dinner or vacation, I get together with my good group of friends and we can afford it after pooling our money together (lots of those fancy hotels offer discounted rates on groups). Even when my friends aren’t available, I can go on vacations at discounted rates from my employer, alumni club, etc. I also moved on to find a better love with a better man, who I can now share those sorts of things with. Where there’s a will, there’s a way! You don’t have to give up fun to give up the narcissist, but you do need to give up the narcissist to have fun!
Zari, you actually just gave me an epiphany about why my narcissist was SO upset when I once went on a vacation with my group of friends (and we went to some very trendy, lavish hotels too). At the time I was naive enough to think it’s because he missed me so much while I was away (yeah, right). Now I realize it’s because I showed I don’t necessarily need HIM, per se, to experience fun and luxury–so he had one less “carrot” in his bag of tricks to hold over my head. Not to mention, he was furious that I dared to not revolve my whole existence around his for a change. That’s probably also why my narcissist seemed resentful of my friends. It’s obviously harder to control someone who doesn’t depend entirely on you for the good things in life, because there are other alternative sources of that.
Thanks for reminding me why I choose to have the 5-star experience, minus the deception!
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2015 at 4:42 pmChristine wrote...Thanks for reminding me why I choose to have the 5-star experience, minus the deception! Right on!
Always better without the deception! LOL And you are absolutely right why he was so pissed off. Take away his carrots and the narcissist ain’t nothin’ but a thang! (And he knows it!)
Zari xo
Diane
July 9, 2015 at 8:01 amDear Zari:
I decided to revisit your blog after such a long absence and my timing could not have been more on the sport. My nickname for my ex: “Mr. Big.” He lived quite large and I admit I was bamboozled by his art collection, his watch collection, his designer wardrobe and the family condo in Jamaica. He loved luxury and at least in the beginning, he was generous with his gift giving. I see him now as someone who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing,
This October will make it a year since Himself decreed a silent treatment during the middle of our travel plans. I somehow managed to find myself onto your blog, I read your books, booked a holiday consultation and am now attending co-dependent’s anonymous meetings.
I have come a long way, Zari and I thank you and this community for helping me along this part of an emotional difficult journey.
But the emotional pain of the silent treatment, the devalue and discard still rears its ugly head every now and then. I have not heard a peep from him since October. Actually, I have heard ONE peep. That month, I sent email announcements and photos of my daughters new set of twins. His reply:”congratulations.”
And why am I feeling so bad ? He is the one who should feel bad for being such a miserable human being.
So that’s. After a good part of a lifetime knowing each other and 4 years or so in an on and off relationship — it is hard to believe it has come to this. So much talk about travel and retirement plans and maybe figuring out how to live in Jamaica or perhaps moving to his town where it is cheaper. Thank God I didn’t allow myself to do that.
So much smoke and mirrors and emotional manipulation.
The good thing Zari is that apart from that birth announcement, I have not reached out, called, emailed, written my my usual poignant letters trying to find out what is the matter. I have given no indication that I might still be available and perhaps, this is why he isn’t even trying to hoover back. Still, friends every now and then ask if I have heard from him and my heart sinks. I swallow. I allow the tears to well in my eyes and I say “no.”
Stay strong all of you,
Diane
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2015 at 5:26 pmHi Diane…my friend:)
So happy to hear from you, girl, and I’m grateful for the timing w/ the article. More and more, I am noticing that there sure are a lot of high-levels out there creating havoc and chaos and it certainly adds to the pain and suffering. I mean, what could be worse than a narcissist other than a narcissist w/ money, right? You have, in many ways, a much difference experience that only lends itself to a harder fall when it all comes down. Everything is relevant, sure, but, as you and I discussed, there’s also much future-faking to add to the mix. And I know it hurts. Indeed, the bag of tricks is expansive when money abounds.
Let me say congrats on the twins!!! Wow….that was amazing, right? How are you dealing with the situation w/ your daughter? AND your mom? I hope you’ve been provided a respite in those areas in the midst of recovery. It would be only fair! You HAVE come a long, long way and look, he’s clearly still an asshole. The one word response to the email is proof of that. I don’t remember if you read or responded to this article on compartmentalization and the emotional playing field but it may help. It’s easier to wrap our heads around the silence and the absence when we realize that every single thing, every single person in the narcissist’s life means exactly the same. Once it clicked with me that I was and never had been any more important to Wayne than, say, the kid at the convenience store who rang up his smokes or his new seat covers or his girlfriend ten years back or the sister he never had, the fog cleared. Somehow this realization or acceptance set me free, it really did. And, in many ways, it still does. How can I be jealous of or miss a “love” that truly didn’t exist – not even to him. The narcissist literally does not hate us or love us or like us any more than anything else. The narcissist HAS to live like this or else he would never be able to do all of the evil things that he does to people – to us – without having an ounce of remorse.
And friends…they need to stop asking you about him…not even once in awhile. I understand this all too well. A girl has been calling that I met through the narcissist. He was hanging with her and her husband when we met and the four of us were tight for quite a few years. I deliberately pulled away a few months before me and Wayne even broke up and today she texted me. (Her and her husband divorced during that time.) I mean, it’s so cool too hear from her and she wants to come by but – jeezeeee – what are we gonna talk about? The guys? Old times? The book?? Holy crap! It gave me anxiety. So, I get that and since I know she’s the kind of girl who WILL bring it up, I’ve already decided I’m just gonna say, “Oh lets not go there, ok? Not worth it.” She’s the kind of girl who would LOVE to give me an update if she has one and I’ve avoided an update for almost three years now. Not interested! the next time it comes up, kindly but firmly say “no more, please”.
No more tear, sister….not for a single memory or for promises never kept or for short-one word answers…not to anything. His life is one big Ground Hog Day that only HE has to repeat, thank God. You are officially alive and well and out of the loop. I am proud of how far you have come:)
Stay strong…and I always love to hear from you, Diane!
Zari xo
andy
February 9, 2016 at 7:57 amthis article could have been useful, but it is gender biased. I’m a victim of 3 women in a row who are Narcissistic personality disorder. Mr. Big is Mrs. Big, and she had constant money issues, because she needed the high of flattery. Her father is a CFO and had to bail her out her entire life. He knew he’s enabling her behaviors. but Until I was given a article by a friend I didnt know she was NSPD. And I realized that the 2 before her were also. Now I am finally pulling out of the cycle of abuse. I’m still terrified of a repeat relationship of the next woman.
Zari Ballard
February 9, 2016 at 9:30 amHi Andy,
The only reason my articles are “gender-based” is because 1) I speak from my own experience, and 2) referring to the narcissists continually throughout my articles as “her or him”, “he or she”, “hers or his” ruins the flow of the content. HOWEVER, I’ve written an article long ago that explains all this entitled To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners and I’ve also written a book called When Evil Is a Pretty Face just for the guys.
Without a doubt, female narcissists have their male counterpart beat HANDS DOWN in the evil department. I never doubt your suffering and I truly am on your side:)
Stay strong and write anytime, brother…
Zari xo