Narcissists & The Silent Treatment

silent-teatment-narcissistNarcissists will invoke the silent treatment for days, weeks, and longer with no explanation as a way to control and demoralize their partners. Narcissists are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. The first time it happened to me, I felt as lost, sad, and helpless as the puppy in the picture. I thought my ex surely must be dead on the side of the road to not have called me for three days. Well, those three days turned into six weeks. Little did I know that that particular silent treatment was the first of literally hundreds to come. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone could do something like that on purpose to a person that they supposedly cared about.

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My ex-N of 12-years executed a narcissistic silent treatment, on an average, about every 3-6 months (and, during one stretch, even every two weeks),  depending, I assume, upon how his other sources of supply were faring. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered back or before my begging at his door and endless onslaught of desperation letters forced him to give in. The Silent Treatment, for my ex and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic and it gets the point across.

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No matter how he goes about it or why it happens or when it happens, the Silent Treatment always sucks. The fact that the victim of a narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissist’s silent treatment as particularly demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…aren’t worth a moment of his time…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit on his shoe.  How true that is? We all get the point and fast!

“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Keeping us in the dark about when it will end (or even why it’s happening) is an intentional strategy designed to create as much anxiety as possible in the recipient. And it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and to give up the need for closure. We become the puppet and the Narcissist, the Puppeteer.

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The silence is meant to hurt you. It is meant to teach you a lesson. And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply.

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Most victims  – myself included – will describe the days and weeks of silence as an agonizing torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response. If this means apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though we know have done nothing wrong, then so be it. When you’re in the thick of it, the pain of the silence is far worse than the pain of being a doormat. Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels his victim have been punished enough or the girl he’s seeing does something he doesn’t like. When this happens, he will usually return offering no explanation – or at least no logical explanation – and he will expect to pick up right where he left off and as if he’d never been gone.  So dismantled and dejected, the victim often demands no answers anyway, keeping her mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that her anxiety has passed. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment so that the N gets away with the entire debacle. This is just another narcissistic strategy for managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.

Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, it is just one more requirement he has filled in the overall pathological relationship agenda. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. No one …not even one time.

In my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I devote an entire chapter to a step towards recovery that I call Silence Appreciation. By learning to actually appreciate the silence given and by using the time wisely as yet another step towards mentally freeing oneself from the narcissist, you’re life will begin to make miraculous changes. It did for me and I know it can for you as well….

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242 Comments

  • Robert

    February 27, 2015 at 8:13 pm Reply

    So my girlfriend decided to reestablish contact after a couple of weeks of giving me the silent treatment, but it didn’t all go according to her plan. I had a feeling that her behavior was meant to punish me for something all along, and I was right. The funny thing is that she expected me to be in this state of consternation, desperate and eager to find out what I did wrong. The funny thing was that I couldn’t control my urge to laugh at her childish silent treatment, and it really set her off. In other words, she was suffering more during her self imposed no-contact time period, and she was completely shocked and frustrated that my demeanor was akin to someone who just came back from a two week Mediterranean cruise. Don’t give the narc the satisfaction ….go on with your life and be happy!

    • prtyDoll

      April 2, 2015 at 10:23 pm Reply

      Robert, this is such an Inspiration! Thank you for sharing this!

  • ama

    February 9, 2015 at 12:40 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I met a guy about 18months ago, and we started ‘seeing’ each other. He lied about his name, age, occupation. It wasnt so much the lies, it was the details of the lies that disturbed me. The life he made up seemed so real; I never would have guessed he was making the entire thing up.
    He claimed that because of his profession, we couldn’t be in a relationship. I found it weird we would meet up late and have sex, but for some odd reason, I was so captured by his personality and charm. It was like he blew me away instantly.
    He knew I wanted a relationship, and wanted a future. He told me, no wasn’t no, but he takes time to get to know someone properly, but nevertheless I ‘ticked all the boxes’.

    Then suddenly, he started disappearing on me. He would stage a drama that didnt even occur e.g. me calling him ‘rude’ and then say we had to stop speaking. I would get so upset because he would make it seem entirely my fault; but it didnt matter what I had to say; he wanted nothing to do with me.

    Weeks would pass and then he would resurface, with some sob story about how he had had an operation, or he didnt get any of my messages ect. But i was always so glad he had ‘come back’, I acted cool and calm as if nothing bothered me.

    I later found out he lied about his name through facebook, and saw that he had a girlfriend of 4 years, who had the same name as me!!! I was shocked and horrified. Oddly, i continued seeing him and didnt say anything. I know it was wrong, but i didnt want to lose him; even if that meant going into denial.
    However, his behaviour continued so I told him I knew. I also told him I wanted to tell her. He then said we could have an agreement because apparently ‘he cared’. We continued seeing each other, provided I gave him space when he needed it. When he saw his girlfriend, he would tell me; and then when he finished with her; he would call me. However, i later fell pregnant and had to have a termination. During this time he was with his girlfriend and her family playing happy families. He forgot entirely the date of my abortion and called casually talking about himself.

    That changed me forever. We were downhill from there. Arguments, problems, me telling him I would tell his girlfriend, him saying he would treat this as a relationship and be open to having feelings. I guess all i really wanted was to be his number one (Wrong of me I know)
    Anyway I told his girlfriend, who broke up with him. But I became pregnant again, despite being on contraception. Me and him spoke, he said he wanted ‘a clean slate’ and to work on us. But i didnt buy it. He didnt contact me at all, apart from making sure I had another abortion if neccessary (no happy xmas or message over the new year at all).

    My scans at the clinic werent showing anything and i didnt want him at the clinic as i didnt trust him. I told him that nothing was on the scans as of yet but i was advised to return as it may be too soon. I said to him i would try and be positive and hope all was okay (no news is good news). And suddenly he called and said he wouldnt speak to me again as his parents didnt want him communicating with me. He blocked me entirely on his phone. I had to leave a voicemail to tell him a further clinic appointment showed my pregnancy. he called me back but i told him i would deal with it and to leave me alone. However the situation was so bad, that i called him again anyway and left and voicemail telling him i didnt know if i could do this. I was in absolute bits.
    It has been 3 weeks and not a sound from him. I am in an absolute mess. Im blocked, despite my situation. Its like nothing matters

    What I wanted to ask is, do you think that will be it from him? There is obviously a difference between silent treatment and it actually being completely ‘over’. But because I have endured so much pathological behavior I am struggling a bit to tell the difference. All i know is he has never blocked me before, and prior to this- he specifically called to say he wouldnt speak to me again- because of his ‘parents’. I’m just completely at a loss of what to think, so thought you might be able to help

    • Zari Ballard

      February 27, 2015 at 2:32 am Reply

      Hi Ama,

      Please forgive me for taking so long to respond to you and I’m sorry you are going through this. Yes, he certainly sound like the narcissist that all of us here have experienced, that’s for sure. It’s obvious that he wants all of the fun and none of the responsibility and this is why you have not heard from him. He just doesn’t care. Anything that happens (pregnancy) that threatens to pull him out of his comfort zone is going to get cut off – just like that! – as if it never mattered. This is the kind of empty person he is. I’ve no doubt that he has been going back and forth between you and this other girl for some time and most likely still is. At this point, girlfriend, better her than you. He is an absolute asshole.

      I can’t say for sure if he will stay away but considering that he knows that you are pregnant again, I suspect that he will just hoping it will all go away. The situation is horrible, I agree, but your choices are few. You can terminate the pregnancy and then move on with your life, committing to putting it all behind you but you must move on. OR you can keep the baby and either deal with being a single mom or keep the baby and get him for every penny he’s got. Either way, I want you to know that a baby isn’t going to stop him from being what he is. It will not change him. Ever. You deserve to be happy and he isn’t ever going to do that for you….

      I’m going to send you all three of my books in PDF to the email that you used to log in here because I really, really want you to read them. I hope you are okay and I apologize for the delay. It’s been a crazy time for all. Please update me as to what has transpired and look for the books in your email.

      Zari xo

  • Dee

    February 7, 2015 at 3:32 pm Reply

    This hit home. I was punished by the silent treatment often. He would lavish attention on the kids and our pets during each episode. I know he did it to show me if I had behaved I would be getting it too. Often it would be because I stood up to him or because he didn’t feel he was getting enough sex. When he walked out on us 4 months ago the silent treatment started again only now do I realize the control he had. I only contact him about the children now or for financial reasons. I have no need for his abusive games any more. It’s been a hard road but I take another step every day. Fifteen years is a long time to get over what’s been done. I spent years apologizing for things that weren’t my doing. I stopped all my hobbies..going out with the girls. .going out period. I spent years freaking out when I had to leave him with the children because I knew they weren’t being taken care of..I was paranoid every time his phone went off and he would leave the room..the hours he spent at his computer daily were a constant trigger. The massive port collection..texts to other women and then finding pics of him masturbating that he was sending to them. Waiting all day for a text or a call or calling to find out his opinion for everything. I was a good little puppet.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 23, 2015 at 10:44 pm Reply

      Hi Dee,

      So sorry it took me so long to respond to you and thank you for writing. Your little post sounds like a page right out of my own book, When Love Is a Lie, girl! If you can, please try to read it. It’s a cheap and easy read from Amazon and I believe that you would relate to everything in it (and see yourself on every page). I was in mine for 13-years and I was a good little puppet too. The computer, the mysterious cell phone calls, the way we put our life on hold , waiting for every text and phone call and getting punished for everything we did that didn’t serve his purpose with silence.. It’s amazing how many of us have lived interchangeable lives.

      I wish for you the best. Always remember that you have a right to your happiness. Continue to practice DETACHMENT & DIFFERENCE when speaking with him, although I know it is so hard to co-parent with these animals. You, of course, are the parent that will make a difference in the lives of the children because, as you know, they can no more love their children than they can love their partners. Thank God you are free of the chains that have held you back…

      Stay strong and if you can, read the book. You will be shocked at the similarities!!!

      Zari xo

      • Judy

        April 5, 2016 at 7:42 pm Reply

        Thankful to everyone for these posts thanks very much lovely lady Zari It’s helped me so much reading your feedbacks it’s really gave me great tools to help cope. Infact it saved me from going nuts : ) & I sure don’t want to give them anything they want .: ) thanks

    • Judy

      April 5, 2016 at 7:09 pm Reply

      Hi dee yes I too am getting the silent treament from my friend. And blackmailed but the sulking and silent treatment just made me angry. It’s still abuse to the point it makes me look like I’ve gone nuts. It is not a nice feeling being ignored it makes a person feel really shit. And the fact he and his daughter and previous family have diagnosed me as mentality disturbed with a serious mental illness. well I’m far from that he even blackmales me with the poor ill animal he had been not taking care of. I’ve managed to help the dog alot but he uses that fact that if I don’t do what he wants he will take the dog and he’ll make sure I don’t see him again. I’ve even thought about escaping this place and just taking the dog. But then I’m no better than him. Theses people don’t mess about but when I get mad neither do I. They are dam good at what they do. No feeling towards you no they are all for show and the lies well I don’t think I’m quits yet finished trying to pinch myself. That voice that’s screaming in my head when alarms are ringing about the uncomfortable feelings I just ignore them and ended up sitting here feeling sick to my stomach thanks to another worthless peace of shit. That’s just how it is they think. but it doesn’t have to be I’m sick of being sick to the backteeth of putting up with narc’s this is no way to be truly happy I thought that’s what any good relationships where ment to bring. Seriously I’m not laughing or smiling. Infact I’m looking and feeling crap thanks to the moods they try Andy control us with. I’m really done caring about these assholes and believe me it’s a constant battle I couldn’t be so horrible to win. So I guess a few battle wounds is Little price to pay to keep my happiness and dignity.

      • Zari Ballard

        April 8, 2016 at 5:19 pm Reply

        Judy wrote…I’m really done caring about these assholes and believe me it’s a constant battle I couldn’t be so horrible to win. So I guess a few battle wounds is Little price to pay to keep my happiness and dignity.

        Amen, sister!

        Zari xo

    • Judy

      April 5, 2016 at 7:18 pm Reply

      Hi everyone who reads this. Hope you stay strong and remember it’s possible to escape these toxic troll : )

  • mandy

    January 23, 2015 at 7:49 pm Reply

    I have a daughter who is a narcissist she’s 27 and I’ve been dealing with her behavior for years. theres one reason I stay I have a granddaughter who is 6 and was diagnosed with bi-polar and ADHD and also thyroid disease. ive raised my granddaughter until it was time for her to go to school and of coarse my daughter takes all the created in how smart she is. the main problem I have my daughter will not take her daughter to the doctors for mediation refills or therapy for her mental behavior which is caused I believe from her mother. my granddaughter in kindergarden last year was being touched inappropriately by a boy and ended up in a mental behavior center for a week and a we were in therapy my granddaughter who is shy tells the therapist how it happened in class the boy would drop something on the floor and then he would claw on the floor to under her desk. WOW was I stunned to hear this from a 5 year old and also the counselor in the school found a notebook a journal that said I want kill myself but she use the “C” not k. as the therapist heard this she mentioned that CPS would get involved and my daughter stood up and pointed her finger at her daughter and called her a liar. the whole week my granddaughter was in the mental behavior center my daughter never came to see her during visitations. now the new school year starts and also in a new school 1st grade my granddaughter is using the “F” word in the right contents and hurting herself cutting herself straggling herself making big cuts on her body so I decided to step in I got her on medication I hav her going to therapist but this would of never happened if mother continued with the meds after rehab and therapy so my granddaughter wasn’t getting nothing for 9 months. and once again the CPS are called again and my daughter blames me for everything says that im not helping im just making things worse. ive been getting the silent treatment for over a month now but I still go to the school and pick up me granddaughter for her appointments and then bring her back. but my daughter is punishing both of us. well anyway I tried to make this short but there is quiet more to this story but my husband and I decided to take my daughter to court but I’ve fought my daughter in court before and she slammed me so hard had her boyfriends family gain up on us but she is no longer in the picture and yes that is the daddy to my granddaughter. well that court got all 6 of us custody and guardianship but my daughter has the rights to say where she stays that’s it. so Monday the 26th of January she will be served papers to appear in court we waiting for this day with patients with 2 schools involved, doctors, mental behavior center, CPS with documentations about my granddaughters behavior. The silent treatment has prepared me to defend myself and my granddaughter I did not want to do this I love my granddaughter more than anything. If she want born I would of told my daughter that she not allowed to come around here anymore we abandon you, because with all the pain and anxiety and therapy I went through which I take 300ml of wellabutrin until this day no more crying for me I has enough abuse.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 24, 2015 at 3:17 am Reply

      Hi Mandy,

      Thank you for sharing…your letter made me emotional and I am so, so sorry you are going through this. But know this: you are a wonderful loving grandma and the truth is on your side. I know that you know that YOU are the ONLY iota of stability that this little girl has and probably will ever have and so it MUST work out in your favor. I am grateful that you have a support system, sister, and I do believe that the courts will see it clearly this time where your granddaughter needs to be in order to get the help she needs. Narcissistic females are the worst (I’m finishing my 4th book and it’s all about the FEMALE monster) and she simply doesn’t have it in her to be a mother by the definition that a normal person adheres to. And my heart breaks for you as because I know that you too, as the mother of this girl, have suffered “a loss” of a child as well. There is another woman who writes here by the name of Diane who has experienced the very same thing by her daughter as well. Believe me, you are not alone.

      So, let me share a story of my own. Years and years ago, I was married to a very abusive guy who was in the military and I left my whole life to follow him across country. To make a long story short, we had a son and the abuse continued. My son was diagnosed with bi-polar and ADHD at the age of five and at the age of ten he had his first psychotic break and was diagnosed with child-onset schizophrenia. Him and I have traveled quite a journey together through many week-long hospital stays (in behavior centers), medications, psychiatrists..it was so hard and my ex-husband blamed me for my son’s troubles for years after the horrible divorce (where I was given primary custody) and we were in and out of court as well. I spent several years scared that my son would kill himself not only from the non-stop Voices in his head but also from his agony over his father’s neglect. But, through it all, I stayed the course and I held tight to my support system (school therapist ANGELS, teachers who were ANGELS, doctors, etc.). There were times I felt completely helpless (and, for that, a bit of Xanax got me through!) but I knew that my job in life was to be the best advocate for my son that I could possibly be. And, now, fifteen years after that first traumatic hospital stay, here we are. My son is going to be 26-years old and he is the best person that I have ever met. I couldn’t ask for a better son. Yes, he is still plagued by Voices by it is managed FINALLY by the right medication and now his goal in life is to help children who went through the same thing that he did way back when. And, yes, his father, about six years ago, after giving my son an ultimatum to choose either him or me (who DOES that???) and my son chose me, just dropped out of his life, changing his phone number and never contacting my son again. Years later, he still struggles with the abandonment but he knows without a doubt that NOTHING was his fault and that he made the right choice. My point is that my story had a happy ending and I know in my heart that you will have one as well. You are an awesome person and I am here if you ever need me.

      Stay strong, Mandy, and please keep me updated. I will be thinking of you and sending many hugs across the miles!

      Zari xo

      • Mandy

        March 3, 2015 at 5:40 pm Reply

        Hello Zari,
        My situation is still going on. I haven’t spoken to my daughter since I last wrote you and even though we’ve been going in and out of court for 4 times now due to delays or the opposing attorney that was appointed to my granddaughter by the judge. So anyway the Friday appearance was the first week in February and my daughter also appointed an attorney and my granddaughter and ourselves and each time we went in we had our wittiness from 2 schools that came on there own not being court order to do so. We had doctors stating that the child was sexually abused and emotionally abused and that she needed to be out of her environment. Judge called a delay and went three more times all of the them have been rescheduled. Now our next time in court is March 26th with a different judge thank god. But during this whole time my daughter who is the primary conservator and there are 6 conservators on the court order, the maternal grandparents on both sides the biological father who never played apart in her life and mom. So now my granddaughter is now with the other maternial grandparents that live in Sherman TX up by Dallas which is 6 hours away from us. My daughter gave her to them instead of saying I’ll take care of this matter she gave her away so they could fix the problem which I was doing but my daughter stopped me from doing it. I know everyone tells me this looks bad on her she ran away from the problem again gave her to the other grandparents I haven’t seen her or talked to her. But for the later date in court the grandparents are taking my granddaughter to be evaluated again in planto TX which another problem they stated weather has been bad so they had to reschedule. This is driving me crazy I hate my daughter I hate the world I raised that child and I did no harm but to love her and educate her and now she’s gone. So far the other grandparents are not getting an attorney, which is good. The attorney on my daughter side is saying this is clearly a mother daughter dispute which were proving its not of coarse. It’s hell everyone tells me to be strong take of my self well it’s not easy I pray light prayer candles next to my granddaughter picture. But during the court session yesterday the attorneies are trying for us to Skype with her so I’m still waiting for that to happen. I’ll let you know more in a few weeks I cross off my calendar everyday if you believe that.

        • Mandy

          March 3, 2015 at 5:58 pm Reply

          Also I wanted to mention my granddaughter was admitted again to the nix mental behavior center january 30 for 2 weeks and they claimed she was hallucinating hearing voices, choking herself, peeing on the floor in the corner in this facility. Shit Im pissed I hate my daughter we didn’t know she was being admitted until she sends me a text asking for our insurance which we have her covered ever since she was born. So I said to my husband something happened at school sure enough ms vela principle says April has been acting out since Wednesday 28th it was were we could control it, Thursday the 29th April my granddaughter started taking staples off the floor cutting her forehead to bleed. She picked her nose until it bleed and called my daughter to come and pick her up. So Toni my daughter comes to the school and talks to Toni about how she needs help and handed her a paper with a list of providers that April can get help. April was not to return to school without proper papers saying she was helped. Friday the 30th April returns to school no one knew she was there meaning the principle until and episode took place in her first period class and again my daughter didn’t care to listen to instructions and took her to school anyways and told her she came come to school until you take her for help and the principal says to me I had to talk to her like a child she kept asking where do I take her three times and I stated to her that I have given you the list yesterday so that’s how she ended up at the nix which is her second behavior center in 11 months so now maybe you can see the picture a lot clearly about all the court stuff.

    • Diane

      January 27, 2015 at 12:15 am Reply

      Dear Mandi:

      I can relate so much to your post. I too have a narcissistic daughter who I have had to “lovingly detach from.” I never imagined this could ever happen–I was determined to stick by her no matter what — i adopted her when she was three– but for the sake of my sanity and well being I have had to let her live her reality.

      This detachment happened in October just after she gave birth to twins! That should have been a wonderful occasion–a miracle really. But luckily, it was already clear to me that the drama would be even more unrelenting, massive, heartbreaking and that all she would do is take, take and take from me even more. She had moved back to the other side of the country to be with her birth mother who had lost custody of her and so she is not alone. She also has two sisters who her birthmother had raised. She’s 23, an adult or so she claims, and I used this opportunity to let go.

      It wasn;t easy. Unlike you I had not yet bonded with the twins although I wanted to . But what was the point? Why fly all the way out to California to ask for trouble, heart break and total dysfunction. She fabricates lies about her successful music career, and the huge trust fund I set up in her name. I have no influence on her whatso ever. I am just an ATM machine there for the sole purpose of bailing her out.

      If I allowed my self to get involved in the twins life I knew it would only get worse. I have not talked to her since Thanksgiving,

      This is much different from your situation. Although I believe if i had decided to really function as a doting and attentive grandmother, five years from now I would be where you are now–trying to figure out how to get custody. I just can’t do it.All I can do is wish them all well and remember that I did my best to give her a home, opportunities to travel, meet interesting people and exposure to a positive environment,

      Mandi, your instincts and love for your grandchild will guide you in making the wise and smart choices. As for your daughter, keep that emotional distance. “Observe, don’t absorb.”

      My best to you and your loved ones.

      Diane

      • Mandy

        March 4, 2015 at 5:04 pm Reply

        Dear Diane
        I’m so sorry that I never notice that I had gotten a reply by you. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter and you and I know she’ll be back. That’s what’s hard she took my granddaughter away so many times and I would detach from her but when she comes back with April who I love I would do anything for April. I have to admit I wanted to kill myself on so many occasions kept wanting to know what is my purpose in life and all I hear is your here for April. Well I don’t know how much I can take as well, we have changed all the beneficiaries on all of our policies to our granddaughter and in a trust where mom can’t get anything from it. I’m leaving her with nothing. I guess the only reason I’m fighting this is my mother was narcisstic and she beat me until I almost died she rupture my appendix, she broke my tooth, she cut all my hair off in chunks, she would call me names like I’m retarded, fat, stupid, and also wished upon me that she hoped I have a child just like me. But nope I got a child just like her! She told me that I would never amount to anything in life and after I graduated from high school I went into the army to leave NY and lived in Germany and then stationed in TX and until this day I do not communicate with my mother. We have 5 generations alive until this day and my mother never wanted to be apart of my daughter or her great granddaughter. But I still communicate with my grandmother of 93 she’s in NY I see her every year in the summer. So what I’m trying to say is I know what my granddaughter is going through and I see the same thing that my mom did that my daughter is doing to her own child. I don’t think I can walk away, and not only that my own grandmother 5 years ago tells me on the phone and I knew she was drinking comes out and says I knew your mother was beating you. I’m not mad at my grandmother I knew she was in my life and try to babysit us take us to the camp in the summer but I beleive back in the old times they never discussed problems. But I can tell you this I know my mother is unhappy with her marriage they sleep in different rooms they can’t stand each other. But my mother goes over to my grandmother saying everything in her world is fine. My brother lives in Florida that was her favorite and I think he’s finally seen the picture. But I’ve told my brother I’m not going to be at the wake or funeral for mom and I don’t want nothing from her either. So knowing my daughters ex boyfriend wants no part she’s never been married, schools and doctors see that my daughter doesn’t unders the concept of reality I have a good chance in winning. I pray everyday I sit with my bible I look at her pictures and tell her I haven’t given up on her I’m 47 and I agree with you about my daughter I let her go seeing her in court she’s a immature child sitting there she can’t speak for herself everyone has to tell her what to do and as far as I see I’m not sure their giving her the right information in getting her child back. Again she sent her away because of problems so now we’re trying to get temporary primary rights then after 45 days we can go for permenant.

  • ann

    January 18, 2015 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for opening my eyes. I have been in a longterm relationship with an N. Right now i am getting the silent treatment. This drove me crazy before but i stumbled upon these articles and it was a revelation. I am a qualified professional and i cannot believe i never guessed or made an effort to know more about my situation. I just thoiught it was bad behavior on his part, and the fact that he was by my side on and off for so many years meant he basically cared about me. I hope there is more awareness about this and that women do not have to go through this torture for long, Thanks again..

    • Zari Ballard

      January 22, 2015 at 5:05 am Reply

      Hi Ann,

      Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you’ve found your way to my website. As you can see, you are not alone and we can all relate to your situation as if we were right there in it with you. The fact that a narcissist can affect a trained professional in the same manner that he would someone who basically knows nothing about narcissism is only more proof of the power of this type of deception. Indeed, narcissists are so good at what they do that they rarely ever fail. If they failed, I’d have to say that they weren’t narcissists – THAT’S how confident these monsters are in their own skin and in their ability to harness and keep narcissist supply in the queue.

      If you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because I do believe it will validate and confirm every suspicion and every behavior and every evil tactic associated with this guy. It took me 13 years to grasp the futility of my own situation but I did it and my books explain the process that created to mentally break free. I have no doubt that you will see your relationship on every page.

      Stay strong, girlfriend, and please feel free to write anytime! I am here to support you!

      Zari xo

    • Diane

      January 30, 2015 at 3:48 am Reply

      Dear All,

      Zari, you are absolutely right about the silent treatment–that is probably what drove most of us to this site. I tried to say that future faking is even worse. I knew in my heart that I was in denial. The only thing worst than the discard via a silent treatment is groveling back, making some excuse to contact and begging him to utter a word, a sound, show up once again in your life.

      I am holding out, not contacting him. After four months, it is hard even imagining myself making the first move. What would I say? Hi, remember me? I

      No contact sn’t always easy. Today I was overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness, blaming the silent treatment on my chunky thighs or maybe my snoring.

      But again, I know that I would feel even worse if I telephoned. He is not the source of my healing but rather the person who triggered my pain. It is total folly to see him as a source of comfort.

      Who for God’s sake does this– Plays with people and their emotions in such a careless and heartless manner? It’s going on almost four months and not a peep, not an explanation, nothing. No how are you or how is your mother. It borders pn a kind of insanity — an anti social behavior that is totally irrational, impossible to explain. So lacking in character, heart and compassion. We would talk everyday, see each other most weekends and then suddenly nothing. Someone who could so carelessly “vanish” you is not someone your want in your life.Calling him is not going to make him a better, kinder more empathetic person. This is a person who is untrustworthy, immature and dangerous to my mental health.

      Stay strong all and detach from these kinds of people.

      Diane

      • Zari Ballard

        January 31, 2015 at 4:28 am Reply

        Diane wrote…I am holding out, not contacting him. After four months, it is hard even imagining myself making the first move. What would I say? Hi, remember me? I EXACTLY!!

        Hi Diane,

        Please, please hang in there and refrain from contacting him. You are absolutely right in thinking “What on earth would I say?” because it is so true. When we have to scrape up reasons to call a person that we are/we were supposedly in a relationship with, then we have to know that this is a person never worth calling again! They reduce us to that level…as if a phone call from us would somehow jog his memory (“Oh yeah! Her! Hey, wanna get together or something?) and things would just go back to normal. It’s almost as bad as the way we accept mere crumbs when they do have the balls to come strolling back in as if they’d never been gone. Either way, it’s wrong and we lose again.

        Look, the reason we get that urge to call or to somehow contact them in some way (a hoover in reverse) is because the narcissist has conditioned us into thinking that maybe..just maybe…the relationship isn’t over. I mean, he never really broke-up with me, right? It’s a process of emotions where we go from feeling sad (at the initial sudden silence) to feeling empowered and confident (at the audacity of what he did and how we’re never going back!)) to feeling maybe lonely, down on ourselves, and slightly panicked and it’s the last part that gets us in trouble and causes us to make a bad decision. Deep down we feel as if the relationship is still up in the air…as if well, maybe, only four days have passed and not four months…but that’s NOT what happened. We have to remember that SILENT TREATMENTS ARE JUST BREAK-UPS IN DISGUISE. The reason they don’t give us the courtesy of actually telling us is to keep the doubt of whether or not it’s really over in the forefront of our minds which, in turn, keeps the door always open for them to pop back in. It’s sick, it really is.

        Trust me…I know how it feels. In the books, I talk all about this because the silent treatment nearly killed me. This was my ex’s FAVORITE narcissistic control tactic and I suffered through literally 100’s of silent treatments. Then, on the very last one, when he left one morning and never ever came back or called, I stuck it out. For the first three months, of course, I wasn’t really sure because he had left for 5 months or so several times over 13-years and still came back. But then, as time continued to pass, life continued on and then the next thing I knew a year had passed and then another one and here I am. Somewhere in the beginning, I decided to turn his silent treatment into MY No Contact and made it so he couldn’t contact me anyway…blocked his phone…changed my cell number (just like he’d done to me so many times during a silence). You can do it because I know you are so strong…you just have to allow yourself those weak moments and then get right back on your feet:)

        Let me know how you’re doing, sister! I love that you’re writing here and sharing with others…it’s much appreciated! Stay strong because this too shall pass!

        Zari xo

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The Narcissistic Partner is a Pretender Extraordinaire

Since the narcissist is unable to feel true human emotion (except for, perhaps, rage), he has, throughout life, learned to mimic the emotions he needs to get exactly what he...

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