Narcissists will invoke the silent treatment for days, weeks, and longer with no explanation as a way to control and demoralize their partners. Narcissists are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. The first time it happened to me, I felt as lost, sad, and helpless as the puppy in the picture. I thought my ex surely must be dead on the side of the road to not have called me for three days. Well, those three days turned into six weeks. Little did I know that that particular silent treatment was the first of literally hundreds to come. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone could do something like that on purpose to a person that they supposedly cared about.
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My ex-N of 12-years executed a narcissistic silent treatment, on an average, about every 3-6 months (and, during one stretch, even every two weeks), depending, I assume, upon how his other sources of supply were faring. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered back or before my begging at his door and endless onslaught of desperation letters forced him to give in. The Silent Treatment, for my ex and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic and it gets the point across.
No matter how he goes about it or why it happens or when it happens, the Silent Treatment always sucks. The fact that the victim of a narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissist’s silent treatment as particularly demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…aren’t worth a moment of his time…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit on his shoe. How true that is? We all get the point and fast!
“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Keeping us in the dark about when it will end (or even why it’s happening) is an intentional strategy designed to create as much anxiety as possible in the recipient. And it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and to give up the need for closure. We become the puppet and the Narcissist, the Puppeteer.
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The silence is meant to hurt you. It is meant to teach you a lesson. And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply.
Most victims – myself included – will describe the days and weeks of silence as an agonizing torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response. If this means apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though we know have done nothing wrong, then so be it. When you’re in the thick of it, the pain of the silence is far worse than the pain of being a doormat. Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels his victim have been punished enough or the girl he’s seeing does something he doesn’t like. When this happens, he will usually return offering no explanation – or at least no logical explanation – and he will expect to pick up right where he left off and as if he’d never been gone. So dismantled and dejected, the victim often demands no answers anyway, keeping her mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that her anxiety has passed. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment so that the N gets away with the entire debacle. This is just another narcissistic strategy for managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.
Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, it is just one more requirement he has filled in the overall pathological relationship agenda. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. No one …not even one time.
In my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I devote an entire chapter to a step towards recovery that I call Silence Appreciation. By learning to actually appreciate the silence given and by using the time wisely as yet another step towards mentally freeing oneself from the narcissist, you’re life will begin to make miraculous changes. It did for me and I know it can for you as well….
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Sarah
April 18, 2015 at 5:22 amI posted earlier today , I just wanted to add that among the 90 texts I have sent him over 3 weeks, many were saying sorry (I don’t know what for, upsetting him???) but nothing worked.
There is nothing specific I can think of that upset him, other than me saying he goes hot and cold, but I have said that too him before. Maybe he is trying to teach me a lesson, that he can be hot and cold if he wants to.
The fact that he has not deleted me from Facebook seems to tell me that he is not done with me, he has left that channel open while at the same time not reading my messages, but not blocking me either.
We have been friends two years, and this silent treatment thing only started in late feb, when things turned sexual.. But how do I know if he is actually a narcissist, and it is the silent treatment, and a game as such, or he plain hates my guts and silence is the end of our friendship/ lover thing – I don’t know how to tell. It’s very very unsettling, not knowing whether to grieve or not .
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 8:19 pmHi Sarah,
Keep in mind that it matters not whether you have known him for 10 years, two years, or two weeks…he’d still treat you the same. My ex had me apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing and I didn’t even know why. It’s insanity and it will never end until you block him and start calling the shots. Don’t grieve….he’s not worth it. Narcissists are completely incapable of making plans, loving, feeling compassion, …nothing. Read my book….you’ll see exactly what I mean and it will all make sense, I promise.
Zari xo
Shoshannah
June 23, 2015 at 9:09 am“Keep in mind that it matters not whether you have known him for 10 years, two years, or two weeks…”
This is so true! I’d known my narc for 10 years before the romance started and I thought it had been 10 years of a good, solid friendship. Moreover, we won’t avoid some contact in the future, because we work in the same field. If not that, I would maybe understand that a guy suddenly disappears with no explanation. I would just take it that for some reason he’s no longer interested and he wasn’t mature enough to end things in an elegant way. It’s the fact that we’ve known each other for years and that we won’t avoid some contact in the future that made me think that something is really odd with his silence. You can’t just have amazing sex with someone that you’ve known for years and with whom you work together and then stop talking to that person – just like that. It stroke me as so weird and unnatural. Each time he did it, I had this thought in mind: “OK, so maybe the romance is over, but we have to set things between us – even for the purposes of work – for the future”.
This made me realize that his silence is not only rude, disrespectful and immature, but manipulative – deliberately cruel. It made me feel like a doormat, like I was just some girl that he met in a club and fucked in a toilette without even knowing her name, like I was nothing… I guess those feelings are familiar to all of us. And it made me realize that there was no friendship between us ever… as there is no such thing as friendship with a narc.
(No need to reply to this, dear Zari, I just wanted to share my thoughts.)
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 1:19 pmHi Shoshanna,
I knew mine as a good friend (I thought) for ten years prior as well and this, too, is what always perplexed me when the disappearances came. I mean, why be that way? It made no sense. The truth is that NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T ACT THAT WAY and these assholes are NOT normal in any sense of the word. A narcissist simply doesn’t care – that’s all there is to it, girl. And no, there can never be a friendship and there never was. This hurts too but once we “get this”, the road to recovery is less rocky. They simply are the monster that they are and there’s not – and never was – anything that we can do about it.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Sarah
April 17, 2015 at 7:21 pmI truly need advice as I dont know whether I am dealing with a narcissist, or i really am crazy. Im feeling pretty desperate
I met a guy almost 2 years ago, and we became best friends. (platonic) He is 44. Recently he told me i am his soulmate
On the 13th March we went out one night and had sex for the first time, after a couple of months of “build up”. Then he acted like it was a mistake and that he shouldn’t have done it. When he said it was a mistake and he didn’t want a relationship I believed him. He became aloof for a few days. A week later we went out again and really I wasn’t expecting anything to happen . But we did and it was even more passionate than before.
Two days later he rings me up and tells me how much he likes me, how awesome I am and that I am 98% of what he is looking for in a girlfriend saying ‘I like you so much I like you sooooo much, you are amazing, you are everything I am looking for and how he has probably never had such amazing sex. He became aloof after that again.
On Sunday 29th of March he rang. He apologised for being aloof the week before after sex and the way he acted. He said he doesnt know why he does it but maybe because of his ex (they had two kids) and feeling like he can’t love again.
We had a great conversation for a few hours. He asked me out the following weekend. (easter) He was REALLY excited about going out that weekend, saying how much he loves dancing with me etc, outfits we would wear etc.
He said to text him in a day or two He was also turning the conversation sexual, indicating that he changed his mind about “stopping things”. So 2 days later I texted him but he wouldn’t reply except for one vague worded message on Tuesday night 31st march, I tried calling, and no answer
I texted asking if I we were still going out that weekend and no reply. I didnt text at all on Sat or Easter Sunday
On Easter Monday I became concerned about his welfare. I texted asking if he was ok. No reply. I sent about 10 texts during that whole day all were of concern. Why wouldnt he just text “yeah its cool just busy” or whatever. I thought he was in hospital Anyway long story short i asked one of his friends he said he had one text from him. So he was ok.
He was so all over me on sunday night during our phone conversation so i didnt get it . I did text him, look you apologised for being aloof last week and now you are doing it again!
However mostly the texts were either along the lines of concern, asking if he is receiving texts, asking is he just wanting to be alone. Asking if i did something wrong. Nothing aggressive, NO name calling, none of that, just concerned and confused.
I know have texted him too much asking whats wrong , but again, nothing compared to what he is like with texting. I should say here that he will think nothing of sending me 50 texts at 2 in the morning when i am asleep. One time he got angry and sent me 150 abusive text messages in TWO HOURS
I thought if he wanted me to not contact him he would have texted me to stop contacting him, but i havent heard a thing. I asked him several times if our friendship was over, he wouldnt reply to that either, Just nothing.
I asked hey if you want a couple of weeks of no contact thats fine, just let me know how long. NO REPLY
I tried everything. Tomorrow, Sunday 19th will be three weeks since he called me and when everything seemed fine.
Was it my texting? Probably sent about 90 texts in 3 weeks, but like i said before, he has sent me more before just in ONE NIGHT.
Do you think he just wants nothing to do with me? Please help. I dont know what to think. It hurts to think i would lose a friend of two years. He gave me the silent treatment once for 5 days when mad. Over something dumb. It was end of February. I had this idea that one day we should get in the car and just go on a trip for 2 weeks, a road trip. Anyway it was around midnight and he was like ok lets go now.. i have 5 days off work, come and pick me up lets go!! He had been drinking. I was saying mmm well i cant go right now this second i have to organise my cat being fed, pack etc, a bit of planning. Anyway he hung up or i hung up, i just wasnt dealing with him when he was drunk.
Next day i text him saying how funny our conversation was (because it was actually quite funny) I also said hey we can leave tomorrow if you like, etc etc no reply. It went on for a week, he wouldnt reply to ANYTHING. When he finally spoke he said he was pissed off at me. I was so relieved he was speaking to me again, that i never held him accountable. He was looking at my texts and choosing not to reply. It was awful. I never thought though that he would do it again, the silent treatment.
I feel like with the 90 texts ive sent over 3 weeks that i am literally crazy. even when i sent texts on easter monday concerned for his wellbeing he still didnt reply. Its like i didnt realise it was silent treatment until after that day…. and then i was doing anything to get a reply.
last text i sent was yesterday, saying i feel like i dont exist or matter to him. thats the lowest that my texts have sounded to him, and thats when i hit rock bottom and feel like i cant text him again.
I also have sent him facebook messages, which he is not reading, or clicking on, i guess he doesnt want me to know he has read them (trying to be invisible) , so he isnt reading them, He hasnt deleted me on facebook though or blocked me, so i guess thats because its just a game? and that he will try and hoover back
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 8:16 pmHi Sarah,
I’m full of apologies today for taking so long to respond to people…please forgive me. Yes, the man you speak of certainly sounds like a push/pull narcissist/unavailable guy or at least a dude with narcissistic tendencies. Either way, he’s a bad seed and you should kick him to the curb when and if you do hear from him again. In fact, you should block him from being able to contact you at all so that you are not waiting for it. He will never ever change. Block him from social media as well. I have no doubt that he strings many others along via the Text Game as well. Mine did the same thing for years and years. He would go from not responding at all to sending 25 nasty texts in a row to accusing me of ignoring HIM when I missed a single text. It’s a method of control and you must break away from it before he wastes one more second of your time. If you haven’t read my book, When Love Is a Lie, you should because you will see yourself in it. Also, my book Narcissist Free will help as well because it goes into the importance of blocking and cutting all ties that bind.
Explaining yourself to him or continually asking why is just going to make yourself crazy. Normal people don’t act like this guy acts. He is not normal. He is mean and indifferent and inconsiderate. He is a narcissist. Block him at every turn and from social media as well! You deserve to be happy and he is the loser from hell, sister.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
billy
April 16, 2015 at 11:16 amI can handle this I swear she gives me the silent treatment for attention like it pisses me off so much I’m just about done with this woman all her silent treatment is doing is driving me away I think I’ve found myself at the breaking point
Mark
September 20, 2015 at 2:59 pmJust a quickie here to say that, although most of the contributors here are women, my experience was as a man in a relationship with a woman narcissist – I adored her, and, simply put, she sucked 4 and a half years out of my life. Since I finally walked away from her I have regained my self-worth, and I have now been in a great relationship with a fabulous and truly beautiful woman for the past 3 years. My ex’s main strategy, apart from verbally minimising my achievements, was to give me ‘the silent treatment’ – what I couldn’t understand as I had genuinely done nothing wrong and was mystified about why she would not speak to me – but the pattern was either 3 days or 10 days. At the end, which was usually signalled by a very ‘normal’ low-key communication such as the offer of a cup of tea when she was making herself one, I would become euphoric and grateful for the fact that she had spoken to me…. She could be the instigator or just a part of a conversation with neighbours or friends which involved me, and simply prune my presence without anyone noticing – this was the worst – it also showed an incredible ability to erase my presence as though I didn’t actually exist… truly debilitating… One thing of note also was that she would spend hours on the phone ‘resolving’ issues for her staff outside of work hours, that really only needed a few sentences of advice, whereas if I spent more than a couple of minutes talking on the phone to any of my life-long friends she criticised me, to the point that I came to dread anyone contacting me – she effectively isolated me from my friends. I came to learn that she wanted her staff members to adore her. After 30 days of total silence and the feeling that I had become invisible, I walked out for good. She tried to get me to return (I had left once previously for a couple of days but went back when she asked me to…) I am a good, kind and decent man with lots of great friends. I didn’t deserve that – and don’t know why I accepted such awful behaviour – but much of it was very subtle… My advice to Billy is this – walk out, don’t look back, get your self-esteem again, and get on with having a wonderful happy life… I did, and you can too. Best wishes from the UK. Mark.
Zari Ballard
October 2, 2015 at 9:25 pmHi Mark,
What an inspirational message for all of us – men and women! You went through hell with the worst of the worst (a FEMALE narcissist) and came out the other side to not only be a survivor but to be one who found love once again, this time with a REAL person. You found your happiness.
Thank you for sharing! I wish you nothing but the best….
Zari xo
Sharon Giudice
April 6, 2015 at 3:06 pmI told the Nars that I was moving out. That our relationshio just wasn’t healthy. Mind you I have tried to pack up and leave before many times in the last year and a half. He’s alwsys convinced me to stay. This time after telling him the relationship wasn’t healthy he asked me if I was still going to couples counseling. It was our third visit. I said yes but it was going to be in very raw form from me. He asked if he should attend. I said it was up to him. When we went I told her I was moving out. She looked at us and asked him how he felt. He said he didn’t want me to leave. I looked at him and said when was the last time you looked at me and told me you loved me and not by text? He answered my question with the same question. I said about two weeks ago. He got really indignent and called me a liar in front of the counselor and started laughing. I said well you told the counselor you didn’t want to ever go into your past she said you would probably have to visit your past to try to help us. I then told the counselor that he had been married three times (the third one I found out about on my own and when I first asked him how many times he’d been married he said two) that he was abandoned by his mother, abused by his father, cheated on by two of his wives and all girlfriends until me. Not sure I now believe any if this. I told her he smokes pit every night and drinks Scotch until he goes to bed. He got up starting yelling at me that he wasn’t going to stay at the session. I told home was also going to share everything and anything about myself as well. The counselor asked him to stay and he walked out. When I got home he accused me of throwing him under the bus and started calling me names. He demanded that I don’t speak to him. I started packing. He then told me he wanted me out by April 1st. I told him I could do better that I would be out by Friday. He then told me that if my ex husband showed up to help me move that he would get a restraining order against him. He said he was paying the rent in the house and he would decide who came into the house. I told him I wasn’t leaving out city but that I could have whomever I esnted help me move because I was also paying the rent. I then told him that the police department was moving me. He became very agitated. He told me he was going to charge me rent for every day after March 31st that I stayed. Earlier in the day he sent me an I love you text DNS that it wouldn’t be good for him if I left. The fighting and demeaning was going in every night and every morning he would send me an I love you text as if nothing had happened. It was a vicious circle. When I came home from work the next day his suitcase was gone. He stayed away until the day after I left. He was paying my cell phone bill. I sent him four text messages two of them asking if he would please release my phone number so I could keep the same number. No response. I went to the phone company and got a new SIM card and changed my number. My old number still has not been closed out. The minute he closes it out I can have it. But that would take control away from him. I have not heard from him since he packed up his suitcase and left for those five days. Also when he left he took all his keys to his vehicles and locked the vehicle he had in the garage. I have my own car. What was the point of this? More control? We were supposed to move into a new home the week before I left. He’s moved in and when the sales girl told him she’d heard I wasn’t moving in with him his response was yeah I don’t have any dishes. When I left I left with only what was mine and I left NO note just the keys and garage door opener. I moved back to where I first came from which is five hours away. When I tried to leave the very first time I left him a very long note. His response was well this note is no different than all the others I’ve been left. His daughter in law told me when I was still in the relationship that I was the only woman he’s not been able to control. i asked the counselor if I threw him under the bus and she said no that everything has to come out in order to rebuild. He fled when I exposed him. After that long dissertation I still can’t believe that he just up and left and my packing up and leaving three days later is how this will end. He was my boy next door when we were sixteen. He came looking for me 40 years later. We had such a wonderful time in the beginning. So much history to share and laugh about. His family loved me. And I’m in so much pain. I resigned from a wonderful job because I knew I had to leave. Can you help me understand his behavior? Why did he flee? Did he finally believe I was leaving because I actually said it to a third party in front of him? He is a very stubborn and never ever wrong man. I’m broken. Thank God I’m surrounded by my family. I loved him since I was 16 but I was always accused of having sex with my ex, my boss, my co workers, my police friend. He was always angry and nothing I did was right. I’m strong,very strong but this is the hardest emotional mess I’ve ever had to deal with. It was I that chose to leave. Why is it so hard to heal? I guess if I could get answers it would help. Why did he flee and refuse to answer my text messages? Because he was trying to keep the control?
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2015 at 1:01 amHi Sharon,
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry for your pain. It sure appears that you’ve been living in a push-pull relationship with a guy who absolutely must be in control at all times. The fact that he obviously struggled with that control was a constant source of angst for him (after he realized he probably would never change it) so the end, in fact, was always on it’s way in. With these guys, it’s their way or it’s no way. When you start to pull away, they want you back and when you come back, they have to teach you a lesson for pulling away…and on and on it goes. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will show you so clearly what you are dealing with.
Where you are at right now is the best place you can be and I know you know that. Narcissists can never be changed – not with therapy, not with love, and not with any magic pill. You can’t fix him and, even if you could, he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. I do not believe that “fleeing” is the appropriate description for your ex’s leaving. Well, actually it could be if you realize that he was “fleeing” for the sole purpose of being the one to do it first, know what I mean? That’s it. It’s that simple. And he probably wasn’t really sure if you were leaving but he figured he better flee anyway just in case. There is no way he was going to let YOU be the first one to REALLY walk out. No way! And so he left.
Narcissists want to leave us knowing that we’re wondering what happened. They like that because it keeps us in the queue for a while. Everything they do and say is done or said with the intention of keeping us off-balance – all the time. But it’s all a distraction because if they accuse us of cheating, it’s because they either are cheating or getting ready to. If they’re always mad at you about something or annoyed in general, they’re trying to distract you from finding out about something. If they keep you worried and full of anxiety all the time, you won’t have time to investigate any suspicions you might have. It’s all a game and they play it very well. I doubt very much that this guy was ever cheated on by anyone or abused to the extent that he said or even at all. Neglected, maybe. Who knows? There are so many lies, it’s hard to tell. But there are always clues if we pay attention to what they’re doing or saying. like little children, they give themselves away.
You might be feeling a little better if you had had the chance to actually move first. It would have felt more like it was your decision and it would be feeling more solid. Right now – even though it was your decision to leave – he thinks he left first – so there!! In his mind, that’s what you get for thinking you were just going to walk out! How dare you! But you know the truth so stand strong with it. He’s not doing anything different than he always has done. He’s still an asshole and he’s still up to no good. And he’s not crying about the break-up. Not one tear.
No Contact is your only hope for recovery. It’s going to take time though, girl. Do NOT take your old number back. Why bother? Stay with the number that he doesn’t know. Block him from contacting you in any way. Let it be over or this will go on until the end of time. You deserve to be happy and he will NEVER make that happen. He doesn’t give a shit about your history together – not a bit. That used to kill me …that he just didn’t care that we’d known each other 25 years!!! That we’d been buddies years ago! Nope, it matters not. They don’t feel it. They’re just not hardwired that way. Sure, they know how to fake emotion to get what they want but is that good enough for you??
Please read the book and if you feel a consultation would help, I could go into things a little deeper for you. There is a special running right now in the sidebar should you be interested. I wish for you the best and you are right where you’re supposed to be right now. Stay close to family and make it impossible for him to contact. Cut all the ties that bind and allow yourself the time to heal. We get so wrapped up in the bullshit that we forget what “normal” is. You just need to get back to that…
Zari xo
daisy
April 2, 2015 at 8:32 amHi Zari, we were in a relationship for two years and last year he broke up with me as he needed to focus on his career. I had been subjected to his extreme mood swings but always thought that it was due to stress. He went silent after the breakup for a month and came back to try being a friend and I felt as if there was hope for us again. But it again turned bad. Since last July he has gone silent. I tried emails, messages and phone calls but nothing affects him.it’s as if I never existed for him. I just want to know if he has gone for good or is there a possiblity of him returning to create problems.
Much love,
Daisy
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 12:22 amHi Daisy,
I know it’s hard to accept that we mean nothing to these jerks but it’s the truth. This is the most difficult of all the awful truths, to be sure, but we have to get past it nonetheless. My most recent article on compartmentalization may help you understand how they can do it. While it certainly is no excuse for the cruelty, the article begins at least to explain how they are able to kick us to the curb without feeling a single thing. Actually, Part 2 of the article series will be up too and that will explain a little more.
You have to stop trying to get in touch with him. I did that too and sometimes it worked and most of the time it didn’t. The point is that he is just sitting there smirking with every email, text, voice mail, and call he gets. All it does is let him know that you’re still in the queue in case he gets bored with whoever he’s with now. Is that enough for you? You deserve happiness but you’re never going to get started on the right path until you go No Contact, girl. If you haven’t read my book Breaking Up With a Narcissist: The Little Book of No Contact, you probably should. It goes into detail exactly how you have to do it.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that since you haven’t heard from him since last July, you won’t be hearing from him any time soon if at all. Of course there’s the possibility that as soon as you stop trying to get in touch, he’ll rear his ugly head. But for what? You have to decide if enough is enough. I’ve got a special on 1-hour consultations right now if that’s something you might be interested in. At least we could talk one on one about it and see if we can’t change your perspective. You have one foot in and one foot out of this mess. I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been there soooooo many times but life is just too short for this.
Stay strong, Daisy. I’m here if you need me….:)
Zari xo
Daisy
April 6, 2015 at 3:27 amThank you so much Zari for that advice and will follow your advice. Although I know it will be hard but its the best thing to do to save myself from further deterioration. A day after I sent you the problem I was facing, I messaged him a polite, non emotional good bye text message from my side. I guess even his silence had made me start thinking that I was bugging him by trying to get in touch.
After I sent that text message, I felt so light and free! I don’t know how to describe the feeling but it made me feel as if I was done and dusted with the fellow. As usual there was no reply form his side but this time I don’t care! And I guess that is what was the new feeling I experienced this time 🙂
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 5:33 amHi Daisy,
Good…I’m glad you feel better. Sometimes sending these jerks just a simple text saying good-by is the closure you need. And you know what? By him not responding…you get the last word! Woo-hoo!!!! Now, block that MF so that he can’t contact you back even if he wants to and keep the good feeling going, girl. Just in case, read this article about my game of Postpone & Pretend and start it at the first sign of a twinge. Everything that we feel – the sadness, the anger, the desperation – it’s all in our heads and it’s all made up because the truth is that there isn’t even anything lovable about these animals. It’s up to us to change our way of thinking!
I’m cheerleading for ya on this end, sister! Stay strong!
Zari xo
Daisy
April 6, 2015 at 2:26 pmThank you so much Zari. I am glad and fortunate to have found you. You are truly an angel in disguise. Much love to you and my best wishes with you always.
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2015 at 1:04 amSame to you, Daisy and it’s my privilege to help in any way that I can….:)
Zari xo
prtyDoll
March 30, 2015 at 1:36 pmplease. Help.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, ex boyfriend now, for 15 months and we discussed marriage. We went on a went on a One week cruise a couple of weeks ago. He actually begged me to go because i broke it off with him because i found he was on a dating website. In his profile he wrote *looking for a wife to spend tne rest of my life with*. i was so hurt. He begged and pleaded for another chance.
After returning from the cruise i met his daughter and grandchildren. To make a long story short, i found he is seeing a lady in Atlanta for a month. I told him we were done and i told her she could have him but be careful. He told her he loved her and intoduced him to his family a week later. He flew her into NC and told her to look for engagement rings, told her mother he loved her and was going to marry her and take good care of her. I believe she is separated. His mother and i are very close. She told me he said he didnt want anything to do with her but called her begging for a second chance. He aslo called the daughter i just met and told her she has a new mom-ofcourse the new girlfriend was right there during tne call. Tne daughter replied *whatever dad*.
I do not want to see him. His mothe said he will be calling me in 2 or 3 weeks, i cant figure out why. We are a done deal. I have to admit Im curious as to how this NC to ATL relationship will work after they have only seen each other once and he is so in love. He never has any money. Any advise as to my situation please? I cannot express how painful this is. I was there when he had NOTHING….he just purchased a house so now he is forgetting who was there when he had nothing. I still miss him. Do you think he will reach out to me? Is it possible he loves this other woman with 3 children? I’m so sad it affects me physically. Please help.
I am doing NC and i have blocked his calls from his cell phone to mine. I have one final question, if I may ask. He asked his mother if I talked to her, and she said yes. He said *she doesn’t call me anymore*. His mother told him she doubts if I will ever call him again. Does he really expect me to call him after being caught red handed? Why?
I don’t know if its him I miss or the companionship. At my request, and to my surprise he returned all of my belongings, well most. When I opened the trunk, I was surprised to see his bath rob in the trunk. I used to wear it and sleep in it all the time. I want to be aware of his devices as this is my first dealing with a narc. Can you explain the bathrobe?. What should I do with it. I’m doing NC. Thanks for any advice from anyone.
Zari Ballard
March 31, 2015 at 9:28 pmHi prtyDoll,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. Your narcissist is a very cruel person as they all are. He clearly is all about having any and all attention on him and proclaiming that he loves someone right after the cruise and meeting his family is ridiculous but oh so typical. The truth is that he feels nothing for anyone and never will. Whether he contacts you again should not be your worry and you have done the absolute right thing in blocking him. Please stick to that because he shouldn’t be able to call you whenever he wants to. His comment to his mother was a tactic for projecting his blame onto you, that’s all. It means nothing. What would he be wanting you to call about anyway? To wish him well on his upcoming wedding? See how crazy it is? Projection is all it is and to make himself feel better because he knows his mother talks to you.
Now, the mother. As long as you continue to communicate with her, you will never get over this. The truth is that she is basically keeping you in the queue FOR him and that is very unfair. Why would she say he’d be calling you in a couple of weeks? Because she knows how fickle he is and that he’s going to be dumping this new person (who thinks she’s getting married to him?)? Even if she means no harm, she is still his mother and it’s possible she is a narcissist herself since 97% of the time the narcissistic male has been raised by a narcissistic mother. In other words, she sees what he does as really “no big deal” and this is why she has no problem filling you in and being the go-between. To get over the rejection, we must cut all the ties that bind – all of them. And this doesn’t mean that you have to be rude or even say anything at all. I guarantee that if you quietly back off from the mom, she will be just fine with it and become “close” to the new person. Staying friends with her has no benefits whatsoever and only keeps the wound fresh.
The intention of the bathrobe was to get you to do exactly what you did when you saw it – wonder what he meant by that. I would be tempted to simply pack it up and send it UPS back to him with a note saying nothing but, “Sorry, this isn’t mine. You got confused.” But the better reaction (and more responsible one, I suppose) is to just throw it away and forget about it. Nothing a narcissist does is ever random, my friend, and the intention is always to hurt you or to keep your mind occupied with uncertainty and anxiety. It’s time for you to concentrate on getting your life back and putting your relationship with him in perspective.
If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie or any of the three that I have written because they will empower you to get back on the right track. He isn’t worth your time and not an ounce of worry. You deserve to be happy! But before you can even begin to get over it, please cut the ties that bind. If you don’t do that ASAP, the anxiety and the constant wondering of everything will never ever end and it only keeps the door open for him to hop back in and do it to you all over again. Whether that’s the mother’s intention, it’s exactly what she’s doing.
Stay strong!!
Zari xo
dan
March 25, 2015 at 7:52 pmMy boyfriend gave the silent treatment in my birthday and he refuses me to talk to me, see me or answer me on the phone, its been already a month and it has been a really depressing period because i cant have a closure like this, i didnt expect it and now i need to bring my things back and maybe talk and say goodbye but he refuses to see me. I apologized for the thing i did that make him mad wich wasnt infidelity or something really terrible but he hates me really bad, what can i do? im really depressed and i cant concentrate in anything else.
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2015 at 9:58 pmHi Dan,
I’m so sorry that you are suffering but you have to know that being without this person is the best thing that can happen. The anxiety is horrible, I know, and often seems way too much to bear but this person is never going to change – ever. At some point we have to ask ourselves if this is the way we want to live the rest of our short lives. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie because you will see yourself on every page. I suffered through literally 100’s of silences during my 13-year relationship and it nearly made me insane. At the time, I felt that the anxiety of being away from him was worse than the anxiety I felt when we were together and this is why I allowed it to happen to me again and again. It was a game of seduce and discard that never ended.
As for closure, I’m a firm believer that “closure” is a made up word. We never get the “closure” that we want when a relationship ends against our wishes. We use wanting “closure” as a reason for seeing them again but it never works. Somehow, someway, it all must end because this person is never ever going to change – not for you and not for anybody. I spent many birthdays alone, believe me, and every single Christmas for 13-years. It’s a nightmare and these monsters are exactly that – monsters.
Get the book from Amazon if you can. It’s a cheap and easy read and it will give you a fresh perspective on this person and why he is doing what he’s doing and how it is completely unacceptable for anyone to treat another person like that.
Stay strong, my friend! I’m here if you need me…
Zari xo
prtyDoll
April 2, 2015 at 10:05 pmHi Dan,
I know what you are going through…… its tough and painful does not even begin to scratch the surface. One thing that I have learned is that your closure may very well be “no closure”. I know the need to express your feelings and it can really weigh on your heart. I wrote a letter, but never sent the email. I poured my heart out and afterwards I thought, why would I want this? I deserve so much better and so do you! If this helps at all, accept the idea that this is likely his move to control you. The more you go back, the more empowered he feels and the way he treats you will likely get worse and worse. This is an opportunity for you to obtain freedom, a normal life and move forward to someone who really knows how to love you. Run while you can. This may be all the closure you get, *no closure*. Try to accept that. I know how hard it is as I struggle daily. Keep strong and remember sometimes the only closure you get is *no closure*. You are worth so much more………