Everything a narcissist/sociopath says or does is a trick of smoke and mirrors – a narcissistic ploy – intended to distract from the reality of what he’s really up to. If you pay careful attention instead of reacting to his/her behaviors, you can turn these ploys into your advantage.
Many of us already know that the old joke – How can you tell a narcissist is lying? Because his mouth is moving – is nothing short of the absolute truth. Everything a narcissist does and everything he/she says is a fabrication in some way….a sleight of hand, a devious magic trick…used by the narcissist to distract us from what’s really going on. These tricks are also used to manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. You may be familiar with the narcissistic tactic of gas-lighting where a narcissist or sociopath diminishes the truth of a victim’s own words to make her feel crazy or to convince her that she’s overreacting and/or delusional. You may be familiar with triangulation where the narcissist uses passive-aggressive means to make you feel jealous about every little thing. Simply put, no matter what the victim is thinking, the narcissist will tell her it wrong, wrong, wrong when the truth of the matter is that her intuition is ALWAYS spot-on.
You can easily turn the narcissist’s ploys into your advantage. If you want to know exactly what your narcissistic partner is up to, simply listen and observe:
- When a narcissist partner is being nice, it’s typically because he has a devastating discard or, at the very least, a silent treatment planned for you in the very near future. When a narcissist can catch us off-guard, he gets the most bang for his narcissistic buck. It’s no fun hurting his victim if she knows it’s coming. So, beware of narcissists bearing niceties.
- Whenever a narcissistic partner accuses you of something, it’s because that is exactly what he’s up to at that moment in his life. If you pay attention to this, you will see that it is fool-proof. Oftentimes, we’re too busy getting hysterical over a narcissist’s ludicrous accusation to stop and and listen to exactly what he’s saying. And while an N will never admit to a wrongdoing, he will, in fact, accuse you of what he happens to be doing. Quietly consider every accusation as an admission and do your investigation from there. Trust me, it works.
- Whenever a Narcissist unexpectedly feigns sickness or throws a fit and stomps off in the middle of a heated conversation or attempts to otherwise distract you from the topic at hand, it’s likely that you’ve just said something or alluded to something that he’s guilty of. His immediate behavior is nothing more than a distraction reaction. Keep this in mind for the next time it happens…what was the last thing you said??.
When you’re involved with a someone with a narcissist personality, nothing – and I mean nothing – is as it seems and everything is intended to be a distraction from the real thing. When you get that nagging feeling that something is very wrong behind the scenes, don’t doubt yourself or allow him make you feel that you’re being delusional. When he starts creating narcissistic chaos and turmoil, look beneath the actions to see the actual truth that he’s hiding. When it comes to the N, you’re first instincts will always be right.
Get 2-4-1: Only $5.99
When Love Is a Lie &
Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
Once you realize the smoke and mirrors antics for exactly what they are, you are well on your way to knowing exactly what this monster is up to during any given moment. Turn his narcissistic ploys into your advantage. Like children, narcissists will always give themselves away. In essence, a narcissist will “tell on” himself by accusing you of what he’s really doing behind your back. The more you know what he’s up to, the more likely you’ll be able to give up the need for closure and go no contact without falling apart from the get-go.
You must learn to read between the narcissistic lines.
Peter Capomolla Moore
June 7, 2020 at 4:18 pmHi Zari I found your site when looking for an image to depict the difference between Open & Closed Adoption “Smoke & Mirrors” I am intrigued by your publications and your keen interest and study of narcissism – I discovered my own Adoption at age 59 years via Ancestry DNA – no adoptive parents were never going to tell me – I am now President of Adoptee Rights Australia Inc – The conversation within the Adoptee community always turns to the Narcissistic adoptive parents – My question is have you ever pondered this subject – I am happy to communicate with you should you like to research the subject – there is a wealth of material in adoptee community should you choose to do so Kind Regards Peter Capomolla Moore
Zari Ballard
July 4, 2020 at 11:40 pmHi Peter,
Thank you for writing and sorry so late on the reply. WOW! I find this very, very interesting and I would love to know more about this and write an article. I bet I know why this happens…narcs are all about appearances and what better way to look like a caring, compassionate person (when you are not) than to adopt a child in need. Granted, it is a very evil intention for the long term but I can absolutely see it happening especially if a narc has money. I am going to check out the link you left here and I may even email you. PLEASE feel free to email ME at zbwriter49@gmail.com because it may be quicker, I do get side-tracked, but I feel this is very, very important and may open up an entirely new conversation. My thinking is that the narc is usually one of the parents or the ONLY parent (single parent adoption). Narcs don’t usually team up as a couple unless there is money or power involved and THEN it would make sense that both parents would be disordered. Yikes! How awful. For you, to find out at 59 that you were adopted….how did you deal with that at first?? Had you any clue beforehand, something that made you want to look for answers? I hope we hook up via email. I would love to continue this conversation and do what I can to bring the topic to light.
Thank you,
Zari
Gayle McElhanon
December 20, 2018 at 1:34 pmI read your book. It had helpful information for me. We had a female sociopath in our midst who caused a lot of financial problems. She was passive aggressive and went after my elderly parents money and land in a divorce. She used empathy to prey on us. She would cry pathetically and tricked us into feeling sorry for her. Her pathetic crying was in reality a financial assault. She does not have the ability to feel empathy for anyone, and is actually disdainful and contemptuous of empaths. I have been angry with her for 20 years. I have read a lot of books about sociopaths. Her name is Margaret Bruch, and I think the description of Covetous Sociopath with NPD and a pathological Liar is the best description of her. She also used the fake, phony, cry baby tears to Gaslight us. After she worked me over with the fake, bawling, wailing, pity me act, I literally did feel like a punching bag.
Recovery is Possible
March 25, 2018 at 2:22 pmThis article seemed very one sided and sexist. Sometimes the female is the narcissist. Sometimes there are elements of narcissism in both parties, though one is self aware and trying to reform and grow and learn to replace these maladaptive behavioral patterns. And this article further spreads ignorance and bigotry by otherizing narcissists to justify dehumanization and classification as static beings. Don’t be a victim of a narcissist, keep yourself sane, I don’t argue that. But allow them to be flawed humans and allow for them the possibility of recovery. Understand the mechanisms that brought on this cycle of behavior and learn to diffuse them calmly, without adding undue energy to the situation. Say a prayer in silence, a soft comment to raise awareness if you can manage, or just leave them be. But please just stop writing hateful articles that demonize them as people and cast them into a roll with no hope of escape. I don’t think the narcissists do it for fun or pleasure because it certainly doesn’t get them any lasting enjoyment. It’s not a personal assault. It is just a severely broken mechanism. It’s not your responsibility to fix. Your health and sanity is your responsibility. But allow them at least the theoretical possibility of recovery in the same manner we allow other humans to recover and redeem themselves of maladaptive behaviors.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:28 pmHi Recovery is Possible….I write my articles based on my relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend so there is not much I can do about that. I did, however, write an article for the guys apologizing for the way things appear and you can read it here. I also wrote a book just for the guys and here is the link for that. Hope that helps!…xo
Camille
January 16, 2018 at 1:05 pmThe hardest part for me, is to shut up when he Tries playing on my Heart strings with kind words, innocent acting…lets forget I just told him stay away, caught him lying. I get he likes the negative attention or just knowing he can still get under my skin. Now I need to remind myself He can Be the one Going Crazy, if I just don’t respond to his texts. Its Hard, a normal person would change or go away. Guess that proves he isn’t normal nor Cares. I need my Sanity back. This is abusive. Thanks ya
Flying Dutchman
August 1, 2017 at 5:04 am“Whenever a narcissistic partner accuses you of something, it’s because that is exactly what he’s up to at that moment in his life. If you pay attention to this, you will see that it is fool-proof. ”
Thank you so much for all you have posted. And also specifically this, as it has helped me a lot.
Allow me to expand on this, as I have discovered a narc-trait very closely tied to this. It might even be just the other side of the same coin.
If, through all the manipulation (gaslighting) you are being subjected to, you do address certain undeniable(*) facts, yet are careful not to address the “plausible deniable” FACTS, they will sooner or later blurt out you are accusing them of exactly those things that are plausible deniable and you carefully avoided exactly for that reason.
You know it’s true, you know you do ‘accuse’ them of it, which is more like you have bought them red-handed rather than an accusation.
(*) But you have already learned that with a narc there is no such thing as ‘undeniable’.
In such cases, don’t fall for the trap. The narc is simply FURIOUS that they haven’t had the opportunity yet to show off all the “plausible deniability manipulation”/gaslighting they had in store and/or so carefully prepared, which will get them nowhere as long as you keep your mouth shut.
All that investment they made in conjuring up a plausible deniability will have NO return on investment AT ALL, and it drives them insane. So they’ll play every trick in the book so at last they can spew their insidious manipulative ploy.
So if they accuse you of you ‘secretly’ accusing them of something THEY HAVE ALREADY DONE, which you indeed ‘accuse’ them off but where wise enough to NOT bring it out in the open, you might as well take the as an admission of guilt indeed.
And you best walk away from any confrontation about it.
Zari Ballard
August 2, 2017 at 10:39 pmHi Flying Dutchman,
I had to chuckle at this: So if they accuse you of you ‘secretly’ accusing them of something THEY HAVE ALREADY DONE, which you indeed ‘accuse’ them of but were wise enough to NOT bring it out in the open, you might as well take the as an admission of guilt indeed. See how crazy it all is??? A normal person might look at that statement and go “WTF?” but I bet everyone here (myself included) knows EXACTLY what you mean! HaHa! Thank you for elaborating…it is all so true…
Zari xo
Flying Dutchman
August 3, 2017 at 6:21 am“See how crazy it all is???”
I’m starting to getting there, but I’m pretty sure I will never be able to fathom just exactly the depth of the craziness.
And I’m working on feeling OK with that. Which I find a laborious task. The work you have done on that is helping me. So thank you again.
Nicole senior
December 30, 2016 at 12:54 amI was seeing a narc for 6 months it finsihed in Feb this year nd he turned horrible while I felt broken. May I add he got sober up until this Christmas week and guess who he calls …..me. And guess who feels strong enough and told him to do ….me. #feelingproud