The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.
Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else. Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda. Again, it is absolutely intentional.
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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.
Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.
The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….
Allison Moss
November 26, 2018 at 12:06 amHad Thanksgiving guests where the male was a chaos creator & the wife a willing empower-er. They belched loudly at the table & commented on it. The male, when our pets were in the room was pounding the underside of the table to raise the level of chaos & noise that the dogs were creating while wagging their tails on the table legs. I put the dogs out…but the wife was commenting on the man’s actions—which amplified them. I”m almost 70, but NEVER have had such rude guests (a grandchild’s fiance’s parents)….didn’t know (despite teaching for decades) how to deal with this other than to ignore him totally whenever he was engaging in these extremely disquieting, chaos creating behaviors.
donna
May 24, 2018 at 6:12 pmI was married to a very strange man he started out nice asked me to marry him 2 weeks later , I lived with him for 8 months and married him , and then the craziness started , he couldn’t do a checkbook, hold down a job , and when I would fix things with working more , or help from my parents , the chaos would happen again , he would buy a new car with no money in the bank , get hours cut at work , but it was like I was in a fog and didn’t see this stuff , its not his fault he cheated on me , porn additt , gambler . it was insane and he would blame me for everything , he told a sex addition person he walks on eggshells , we were afraid of him not the other way around we have two special needs adult kids , , why would a person love chaos , and I’m taking going broke chaos , why ??? we just got unmarried in 2016 and I am so calm money is hard but at least I can sleep and he withheld sex , for porn when my daughter found it last straw I brought him to 5 different psys , he had a diffent story for each the marriage one pegged him and he wouldn’t go back
Eyeforaneye
April 3, 2018 at 8:50 pmTake a meat cleaver, hand it to them and they will use it – that’s what it feels like. Married 23 years – 1 child/teenager – went out of here on a domestic violence – jail, probation, restraining order – the MINUTE he got out of jail he went on a vindictive retribution like no other. He’s still at it 1 year later using the court as his instrument. Judge ‘seems’ clueless, but I think his day is coming. Has not only abused me and child for years verbally, emotionally, physical posturing then the physical incident, he is now right back where HIS abuse started – back living with his parents. Sicker than he is – they abandoned us too. I am in disbelief that someone who the very day of the incident proFesses love and appreciation can do something like this and not even look back. He is always the victim. YOU ARE ALWAYS THE REASON – OR SOMEONE IS. DANCED walked on eggshells, forgave, helped, you name it – all a fake mask. He has lost his home, his family, his reputation – he is a sociopath, narcissist at it’s worst. Child and I will build a new life without him, and he will realize someday and it IS too late.
Zari Ballard
January 20, 2018 at 7:02 pmThanks, Peaches!!…xo
jaclyn
October 3, 2017 at 12:02 pmIs it done on a subconscious level? Because it’s hard for me to imagine a person actually thinking “Ok, she’s too comfortable. Time to shake her up a bit.” He’s been in and out of my life on one level or another for almost 30 years. And it’s like, even when we don’t live in the same town, barely talk, or may not talk at all….he KNOWS when I’m getting used to life without him and starting to do well, so here he comes again. Even though we have not seen each other in over 2 years.
Zari Ballard
October 9, 2017 at 7:09 pmHi Jaclyn,
Why is it hard to imagine a person thinking like that??? It sounds as if this is EXACTLY what this guy has been doing for THIRTY YEARS. Knowing just when to reappear so that it has the most impact and prevents you from moving on IS WHAT A NARCISSIST DOES. It’s done on a conscious level. He knows what he’s doing, he just doesn’t give a shit. And even if it was SUBconscious, after thirty years…does it even matter? Stop the nonsense and get on with your life before he wastes more of it.
Zari:)
gloriaThompsonnarcisstic chaos
September 11, 2017 at 9:15 amI knew every time he was on his way to cheat he would start a argument he’s phone would start ring about every ten minutes this means he’s flying monkeys knew he had money he would take a bath jump in I called his ho mobile his 360 z with convertible top after almost 17 years of abuse mental and verbal lets not forget emotional I walked away just when I knew he was planning on moving one of them in I knew I was being discarded I had been packed for two days I acted so sad when I got in my car I laughed all the way to the freeway entrance I decided while he was so wrapped up with her I could right out she was my out he still in his love bombing stage she’s been around a couple of years wanting to be in my shoes only to see later how sick he is I pray for her but better her than me I love me now and it’s time for healing
christopher g wren
July 23, 2017 at 10:06 amZari , Thank you for keeping it equal in Gender
Zari Ballard
July 23, 2017 at 8:11 pmYour welcome, Christopher:) Thanks for visiting and come by any time….