The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.
Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else. Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda. Again, it is absolutely intentional.
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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.
Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.
The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….
Monia
September 9, 2021 at 6:27 amHi, i unfortunaly ended up ruining all my life..i met this terrible person who was always keeping me in hold, exactely the way you just described. I wasnt able to think or concentrate on anything else but “why he’s not ringing or texting me?” while things seemed to be ok…i was like in a trap..always in a strong anxiaty feeling like paralized. It lasts 10 yrs in which i didnt think about my life, my job, my hobbies…i’ ve lost everything, now im 43 and i have nothing, i completed hijacked my path, my purpose, i took a wrong path..and i feel so far away from what i wanted to do or be in my life…and at 43 is not easy..lots of doors are closed..i feel like ive missed the train..no friends and i feel just my life had exploded…(sorry for my english!)
Garry
December 4, 2018 at 11:54 amDon’t know if my current partner is a covert narcissist or not….this is the 3RE time she has left to stay at her friends… the 1st to punish me for some thing I said (3 days), the 2nd because she didn’t want to go on our holiday (2 weeks) weight issues so she didn’t want to go…. but said yes let’s go at time of booking. … and 3rd because I reacted to what I believe to be a gaslight incident where she scratched the interior of my new car then blamed me for my reaction….. I had just paid a deposit for a years holiday in the sun….. she ran to her friends again… and is still there…. with depression?? (9 weeks and counting) no indication she acknowledges here are two people in the relationship… like I don’t matter. Narc or not?? Fed up. Want me to hang in until she gets well??? Meanwhile my life is on hold….
Zari Ballard
December 9, 2018 at 12:54 amHi Garry,
Don’t put your life on hold…she would n’t do it for you. I’m in the process of putting up a Q & A from a male victim like yourself who is contacting me for support. Here is Part 1 of our exchange. I’m sure you will find it very interesting. He asked the very same questions….
Zari:)