Narcissists, Holidays, & the Seasonal Discard

narcissist-holidaysWith the holiday season upon us, those in relationships with narcissistic partners will be doing some extra special suffering. Narcissists are legendary holiday buzz killers and, if the narcissist is your partner, you could end up in any one of a number of situations depending upon your place in the narcissistic queue. Yes, as the holidays roll around, it’s time for the narcissist’s seasonal Devalue & Discard (D & D) and those who are the most convenient in the narcissist’s life will likely take the hit. Sound familiar?

Although it’s likely that you already know exactly what I’m talking about,  allow me to share a story or two about my own holiday experiences with a narcissistic partner and let’s see how close I get to hitting the nail on the head about your relationship:

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Almost every year for thirteen years, my ex, the Narcissist, would steadily ramp up the narcissistic chaos and turmoil until around mid-October and then, after creating some ridiculous blow-out,  he’d vanish until somewhere in January or February. Every year without fail for thirteen years. It was the most blatant narcissistic behavior  ever – the D & D before the holidays – and truly the most painful. I can vividly remember spending many of those Christmases cowered under the blankets in my dark bedroom, unable to get out of bed, while my son played with his new toys alone in the living room. He would leave every October for no reason at all, shutting off his phone and vanishing from whatever apartment he was living in, never to return to me until well after the first of the next year….long after the holidays were over. The pain of being abandoned at this time of year, every year, rendered me inconsolable. I never got used to it.

In December 23rd of 2009, after my N had been gone two months and I hadn’t a clue where he was living, I became determined to smoke him out. During “normal”, much shorter silences, I could usually do this with minimal effort but this time time I was stumped. I knew it called for drastic measures.  On a hunch, I used Facebook to send a quasi-anonymous message to the girl that he had cheated on me with the year before. If he was with her this year, the least I could do was make his holiday as miserable as he was making mine. As it turned out, my hunch was spot-on but the result was over-the-top. Within two days, the N, determined to keep me at bay, had me served with a Temporary Restraining Order on Christmas Eve at 8:00pm (an TRO, by the way, that he would break just a few weeks later when he suddenly returned).  When I heard the knock, I actually felt a wave of relief thinking it was him. I remember taking the paper from the Sheriff’s hands, shutting the door, and crumbling to the floor in my hallway, sobbing uncontrollably. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not get this guy to have a heart even though we – my son and I (his “family”, as he would say) – had been by his side for well over a decade.

Now that I think about it, I’m fairly certain that the 2009 Order of Protection was the only Christmas present the N ever gave me!

You see, narcissists are incapable of handling any time of year or any event (birthdays anyone?) where they might be expected to show responsibility and loyalty to the people that care about them. This is not to say that he doesn’t spend the holidays with someone somewhere -because he does. It’s just that he chooses the environment and/or relationship situation that is most self-serving to his seasonal narcissistic needs – whatever those may be – and that is where he’ll spend his time during that part of the year.  A narcissist is seasonal. Without fail.

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To make it work, the N will likely have at least two households where he is able to set up shop during the year – one being for the spring/summer season and the other being for the fall/winter season. Depending on which season he’s in, much of his time will be spent trying to thwart the current girl from finding out about the off-season girl. To eliminate unnecessary hassle, my ex would prepare for his post-holiday discard (from her) and eventual comeback (to me) in advance by getting a new cell number, a new apartment (or no apartment), and a new job (or no job). He would either connect or disconnect various aspects of his life in various combinations to make it happen. He’d make sure he had  everything in order long before he even thought about hoovering

The bottom line is this: when a narcissist comes back to you, he is vanishing from someone else. Of that, you can be sure. Then, when it’s comes time to dump you again, he has to do everything in reverse. The vanishing acts, of course, are also called silent treatments and we’re all familiar with that narcissistic tactic. At some point, it has to stop. At some point, we have to decide how we really want to spend the upcoming new year. Normal people do not act that way – even in the most dysfunctional of relationships. We become so accustomed to the neglect and abuse that we completely forget what “normal” even means.

Yes, the narcissist will ruin every holiday without fail for as long as you allow it. He has no intention of ever doing it differently no matter how he professes that “this Christmas will be different” during your on-season together. A narcissist simply can not keep himself from upping the chaos and turmoil during the events of the year where you or others would most like – or expect – to have his company.  This would include birthdays, anniversaries, births, deaths, and, of course, the festive holiday season. The narcissist’s seasonal D & D is one of his/her most prized strategies for breaking your heart because it never fails to do so. Even if every other narcissistic weapon in his arsenal were to back fire, the narcissist knows there will always be a holiday just around the corner where a disappearance or silent treatment would deliver a foolproof knock-out blow.

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Here’s the deal…our suffering changes nothing. You must remember this!

Don’t let it happen this holiday season. If you’re still in the relationship, the chances are that he will leave. While you can’t control his behavior, you can certainly control your reaction. Let him go and enjoy your holidays. If you’re out of the relationship and having a bit of relationship amnesia about his holiday behavior, let this article be a reminder of what you’re missing and be grateful for every moment that you’re missing it!

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Updated from original post of 10/2014.

 

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105 Comments

  • Hayley Kent

    March 21, 2016 at 3:40 pm Reply

    Hi Zara
    Your book has helped to allow me to make sense of what I was going through for 10yrs. Like so many others I have lost so many years to a Narcissist and that hurts but finally an understanding to what one of these is…
    I like others met this guy at work, a pretty safe place I thought for meeting someone and after just coming out of an abusive marriage he was the answer to my prayers. He treated me like a princess and I felt my prayers had been answered. Before long he was whisking me off on a romantic trip to Paris, although so soon in I witnessed one of his rages over something so trivial followed by a few hours of silent treatment, I didn’t realise this would set the stage for what would be a relationship of gas lighting, silent treatments and abuse and punishments.

    More holidays were booked to far away places, then a new car and then a scene from pretty woman where he would buy me a new wardrobe of clothes, suitcases for all the holidays we would take, the gifts were endless and I worried how he could afford to spend so much on me. Eventually although the weekends away continued the holidays he started to want his mother with us, I never questioned why but now I see she would be there to give him endlesss narcissistic supply whilst behind closed doors he could abuse me, turn his back on me in bed and let his mother witness that it was me who was in the wrong.

    He was so hard to get close to now and at times I felt him pull away, especially if I wasn’t giving him the supply he wanted and criticising him in any way. He started to make me feel paranoid as it felt like there was someone else he was interested in as sexually he was pulling away and making me feel like I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. He preferred masturbation to a loving night in bed together and I felt myself trying hard to hold on. I found him on dating sites and he denied it was him when his picture was starring at me, then woman’s magazines in his car to which he had no knowledge of how they got there. He knew I was starting to not believe his stories and questioning him, behind close doors I was searching at bipolar disorder and abusive relationships just to see if I could find any answers. I thought his childhood where his mum had not been present had made him insecure so I tried hard to love him more and make him trust me.

    My job was taking me on training courses and I dreaded telling him when one was coming up as he had to come and stay in my hotel room wherever I was, he said he was scared of losing me. Although when he stayed he struggled to give me any affection or get close to me. He would phone me constantly if I was in a meeting with a customer saying dont ignore my calls when I ring you answer me (one thing I hate is being ignored). I was jumping through hoops for this guy and the goalposts kept moving.

    I wanted to get away from him but the good days we occasionally shared kept me hooked and I didn’t know what to do. He would abandon me in restaurants, dump me in the middle of town at night, cut me off from my family and friends and allow no contact with anyone on social media. My life was a living hell experience. My nerves were shattered and I was scared and on a roller coaster ride I wanted to get off.

    It was not abnormal to have 40-60 texts per day and if I went missing the same amount of calls, I dreaded going out the door in the end and I gave up everything that gave me pleasure like the gym and anything social. I had to have his approval to go to anything and after he was moody and then further silent treatments were given as punishment.

    I made excuses for him, he had lost endless jobs and got himself involved in PG’s for over 30k he couldn’t pay and even though we were about to buy a house together I questioned so much of his debt when we compared outgoings and our expenses.. I took him to New York to cheer him up and away for weekends as he said he had no money. His debt worried me he always seemed so giving but it was clear to see he had nothing to offer and no equity in his home. Then remortgaged his home twice so he could clear his sons private school fees. His ex marriage had passed that on to him to maintain. The marriage he said he walked away from as he wasn’t happy although his ex wife had, had to get a barrister involved to get away fom him.

    Finally a job offer came for him and he was excited to want to whisk me off on holiday, although yet again his mother had to come with us. The holiday was full of romance although he struggled when I tried to get close to him in bed at night. That was our last holiday together as he pulled the plug when we got home, saying he wasn’t happy and the relationship wasn’t working. Within a matter of months I find a picture of him and his new woman on his football website at a trophy presentation event.

    I am 12 months out of the fog and I had to hit rock bottom before I could understand what had been going on. I now know why he always had so many cuts on his arms and in the light a mass amount of scars to his right arm that he never wanted to talk about. His temper outbursts and his mood swings that changed by the hour and his days full of depression locking himself away not wanting to talk to anyone.

    Thank you to everyone’s story and this book like so many here to make sense of what these people are capable of, I never knew what a narcissist was but feel chosen to have gone through this journey and one out a stronger person. My days are quiet without him but finally a chance to breath and rebuild my life. It’s still early days and at times it feels like it was all a dream……..

    • Zari Ballard

      April 8, 2016 at 6:06 pm Reply

      Hi Hayley,

      I am sorry to not have responded to you sooner but I wanted to say now…thank you for sharing your story. My heart broke reading it but I am so glad that you are away from him. I have to say that bringing the mother on the trips was so bizarre and that your idea about why he did it was spot-on. Still, so strange but typical odd behavior becoming of a narc. Although others see many different kinds of narcs, I only see two – the high-level narcs and the low-level narc – and the only difference between them is money. Other than that, they are exactly the same. Yours had money, mine did not but – man oh man – so much of what you described struck a chord right down to the odd dynamic with his mother, the punishments, the abandonment in restaurants and being dumped on the side of the rode midtown to find my own way home, the texting and jumping through hoops at work in the middle of meetings – OMG. For me, though, sex was the hook…for you, the few good times…all of it mere crumbs of what we truly deserved.

      I wish you nothing but the best and I’m grateful that you still come here to read and post. Stay strong sister and know that your life is all your own now. Make every day Silence Appreciation Day.

      Love,
      Zari

  • Ariela

    December 18, 2015 at 10:49 am Reply

    My Narc (my mother), does exactly the same thing, but with my children’s and husband’s birthdays. My children all grown now and really couldn’t care less, but every year, around May timeframe, we would lose contact with her from May – early August. My youngest son’s birthday is in June and my middle son’s is in July. She never wanted to wish them Happy Birthday or God forbid, actually attend a birthday party, so she would just not call for at least three months. Then around early August she would reappear because her birthday is that month, and of course we’re expected to call her regardless. It was really comical to watch and so predictable. I’m currently no contact with her, so this is the first year I have ever not called her or sent a card on her birthday. I hope that was hard for her. LOL!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 25, 2015 at 10:32 pm Reply

      Hi Ariela,

      I hope to hell it was hard for her too! Good for you for sticking to NC. She deserves to have her birthday pass by in complete silence. I hope you had a lovely holiday…my best to you and your family:)

      Zari xo

  • Emily

    December 17, 2015 at 1:55 pm Reply

    Brilliant, I feel so much better reading this. A man who I left my 25 year marriage to and 14 year old daughter to turned around today and said Goodbye. Reading and reading what I need to. Thankyou so so much xx

    • Zari Ballard

      December 18, 2015 at 2:59 am Reply

      Hi Emily,

      I’m sorry for what has happened and, yes, narcissists are famous for doing this. Please try to stay strong and realize that this will happen every year. If they do it once, you can bet money it will happen year after year. There is NOTHING normal about this behavior and no excuse for having done it is ever acceptable. There’s a new year around the corner and we get a clean slate. Think about what you really want in your life and enjoy the silence while you have it.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Mitzi

    December 10, 2015 at 12:24 am Reply

    Hi Zari, just discovered your site when googling “Christmas with narcissist”, as I now found myself after nearly 6 years finally alone and completely discarded at Christmas and New Year, having been ignored during most birthdays…mine and his and avoided for months before and after. The hoovering was still going on to date, it is exhausting and although I realised that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist in 2013, I was secretly hoping I was wrong…and then I found your site with the articles about special occasions, birthdays, gifts etc…..; it could have been written by me, even all the comments, so similar it’s saddening. I will keep on reading every day as this Christmas, he finally managed to remove me from all special days in a year, the last standing were those, the only one he has to discard is the holiday, but it would be silly to think I’d have one with him in the future. All else on your site sounds extremely similar…bottom line, I loved, even if he is not capable. bottom line; as unique they think they are and special, reading the stories confirms NPDs all follow a similar pattern, in word, treatment, behavior, application, how sad to note they lack any uniqueness! I cannot state how far the abuse went, broken legs, nose, fingers, teeth etc, verbal to the point of suffering severe PTSD in 2013, would like to extend the experience and maybe will one day, in the meantime, all that is published here has been part of the last 6 years. The main pain is to have lost what I loved and the defamation I suffer now, no cost is spared to make me look nuts, crazy and stupid amongst the people I consider friends and are slowly removing themselves from me believing his words, that is so painful, especially around this time of the year. what can I do….

  • m

    November 15, 2015 at 1:44 pm Reply

    Any articles books sites posts use them an yes you will be astonished of the red flags cheating lying crappy treatment oh holidays? fRom October too Nw Years Day Thyre in full swing, then the die down an gearing up for Summer mode, repeat.
    Bottom line wre baffled why? Yes thy move on without the blink of an eye.
    thyll kp the girl contacts on ph&Fakebook
    its an illusion, game till the earth blows up
    attn seeking from anybody, social media, bars, exes, strangers that’s always an option.
    thy nd supply all the time car pmt roof over their heads most use others but claim thy did things on their own. rhyre not players, just users.
    no Thyre not in love with new “gf” just a need for a timeit has nothing to do with age looks education etc… thy run the gambit on who thy pick!
    no we Dont mean anything to them thy kp moving moving regardless.
    no you’re narc isn’. different sorry :/
    lear n cry get angry go no contact!
    if thy wanted to be with us thy would.
    I’m dng dbt therapy spiritual cutting of cords
    no doubt I’ve felt evrythng yall go thru
    even to this day… we wre together 7yrs
    an he tried 8x to get bk together up until
    5mos ago yep you guessed it I’m hre he’s thre new supply of course.
    for the first time I was like f*** you in my mind….. no contact give THEM what they want!!!!!
    it wl all come bk around believe me
    be open to love
    ill never let my guard down like that again
    only us being with a narc can understand
    the depth of life changung experience
    blessings strength to evryone!

  • George

    August 24, 2015 at 9:05 am Reply

    my ex N always discarded me at or around Christmas, his birthday, his ex-wife’s birthday.
    He would quickly get a new woman from some online dating site and appear suoer duper happy whilst I was in pieces.
    Then the predictable hoovering would begin. He never gave me enough time to recover.
    I cut him off from all connections which allowed me to rebound and reflect.
    I’m cured now and back on my feet. I still get some hoovering but have found the grey Rick technique fantastic. I tell him nothing, just give short polite responses not enough to anger him or encourage him.
    He has his new girlfriend, he isn’t sure whether I know or not so it’s more him fishing around.
    It’s kind of impossible for him to ask to see me or give me a reason why I should.
    Also I never respond immediately to avoid it growing into a conversation.
    The no contact rule is key to recovery, previously he hurt me trashed my identity then loomed up as the knight in armour ti rescue me. Crazy

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 8:50 pm Reply

      Hi George,

      Yes, No Contact is the ONLY way. In normal relationships and under normal circumstances, our options are different…but as we know, there is nothing normal when our insignificant other is a narcissist.

      Stay strong and write anytime. I am here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Knope2015

    May 3, 2015 at 7:01 am Reply

    My N was born and raised a Jehovah’s Witness. He left the church as a teenager/young adult. He’s no longer in contact w/ his family since they are all still in the religion. Anyway, JW’s don’t celebrate birthdays/holidays, and from what I’ve seen, they see it as a sin for doing so.

    My ex always used this as the reason he ruined every birthday/holiday, and for years I believed him. His therapist (who was MY therapist btw until he started seeing her!) told me I should feel sorry for him etc. (I did!).

    Holidays were bad but birthdays were worse. He intentionally would wish me happy birthday on a day he knew wasn’t my birthday just so I would think he didn’t remember when it was. One Christmas he gave me a bottle of soap (like, from the grocery store). Another year he said he’d go with me to Disneyland (I’d pay for myself and everything, just wanted him to go with me). So we went, and had a decent time. He even acted like he was having fun. The next therapy session he broke down “crying” that I had abused him by allowing him to take me to Disneyland on my birthday. What? Said it was all an act and he was just pretending to have fun for my sake and because he did that it must have been abuse. I think he really DID have fun, he just couldn’t bare to let a birthday slip by without him ruining it, so he had “taken back” anything positive he may have put out there.

    Another year, he left me in a strip mall on my birthday.

    Sorry, just never vented like this before.

    Now I see his birthday/holiday problems were not because he had religious trauma, but because he is an N. I always gave him a free pass for this and therapists encouraged it. I can’t believe this is just another N thing! It all makes sense now. Thank you.

  • Tasha

    February 24, 2015 at 7:40 am Reply

    I just stumbled across this site being heartbroken over a guy that just disappeared after two years. I never thought him to be a N but reading these articles describe his actions to a T!!! He tells me he loves me that we are the closest of friends I have been there for him through a lot of hard times, but during my bday or the holidays there is always some drama why he can’t show up. He’s stayed around for over a year and a half and now all of the sudden he’s doing the disappearing for a week then coming back. Then a little longer and coming back claiming he’s our grinding working hard. No other explanation. I have been crying my eyes out for the past week feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. There has been no contact, he has a bag here but he has been staying else where. When I look up N behavior on its own I don’t know if he quite fits but reading these articles it sounds like you are talking about him. He’s been going back and forth between two houses. We were best friends or so I thought but he’d call me his wife. I was foolish to allow him to be that close to me and now I’m hurt. I wanted to call or text to tell him to come get his things but my friends just say to continue with no contact. This is rough!!!!

  • Vivienne

    January 3, 2015 at 9:02 pm Reply

    My D&D was a double whammy because he did it just before we were meant to go on holiday to celebrate our one year anniversary and just before the holidays. I was devastated. On the day of the anniversary I had a massive breakdown, thank goodness for good friends.

    This is my first outright discard (he dumped me after he blew hot and cold for a week and then dumped me after another 5 days of excruciating silence) although, now I can see that the pattern had been slowly but carefully set up throughout the duration of our relationship. For example I would say something totally innocent or something a normal person would not react to and he would rage then go back to his apartment for two/three days giving me the silent treatement and then come back on the weekend after I begged him back for us to fix things.

    He almost ruined my holiday as I was just moping around the house with my parents but I did get to go on a 7 day trip to the coast which was positively sublime and really refreshing.

    Considering how I grovelled and begged when he discarded me (you should have seen the absolute glee in his eyes as he did it), plus my sneaky suspicion that he is chasing a skirt from work, I doubt that he will be back. But should he try I am prepared. I have blocked and deleted him off of everything I possibly could, I have also just bought a house and will be moving soon. The only thing I am worried about is suddenly a mutual friend of ours who I never really communicated with outside of social gatherings just contacted me. I don’t know whether I am being paranoid but my gut tells me that this is the begginnings of a hoover by proxy. Especially because the ex N knew I was socially awkward and wanted new friends and to be liked. I hope I am wrong.

    These people are such sick individuals and as much as it hurts to know he never loved me, that it was all a fanatsy and my bruised ego, I am glad he discarded me because I would never have really realised what I was dealing with or had the opportunity to get out and be out.

    Sending love and light to everyone out there. May 2015 be a year of abandant goodness for you.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 12, 2015 at 7:43 am Reply

      Hi Vivienne,

      Yes, you are probably right about the hoover by proxy since he sure seems to follow the pattern of narcissism to a tee. Your two posts give me a knot in my stomach because I see myself in your story so clearly. If you read my book When Love Is a Lie, you will see why. We lived the same life.

      I wish you nothing but the best, sister.

      Zari xo

  • charyjay

    December 30, 2014 at 8:38 pm Reply

    I am being discarded now! But it’s not the first time. I ABSOLUTELY have no idea what I did. I never do. But no matter what I find myself begging for his crumbs. What is wrong with me. I feel like he has a stronghold over me that I can’t break. I am trying to work on my self but I keep going back to this treatment. Mind you I bend OVER and BACKWARD for this person. For Christmas he gave me $200 and was like this is for you and the kids. I told him no at first but thought maybe he meant it cause I spend Way more money on him and I am embrassed cause it usually puts me in a hole. Now that I think of it I think he just threw that out there to look caring especially considering the amount of money that I spend on a regular basis with no payback. My gut is telling me that he is pissed because he gave me something which he has never done in the 5 years. I’m so tired of how this affects me. I use to be the happiest person I know now I just feel like a zombie Extra from the walking dead. Help

    • Zari Ballard

      January 10, 2015 at 2:27 am Reply

      Hi Charjay,

      Thank you for sharing and Happy New Year to you:) I’m late responding to all but I do appreciate that you found your way to my website. Look, I suffered through literally 100’s of discards and silent treatments and the times that I actually new WHY he disappeared were few and far between. I’m sure that he feels that giving you $200 justifies just about anything he does going forward because this is what they do. It doesn’t matter that the $200 does not even come close to covering the amount that you ever gave to or spent on him…he thinks that it does. In his twisted mind, his “gift” made things equal and you aren’t nearly appreciative enough! LOL These guys are such creeps, it’s unbelievable. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s affordable, easy to read, and you will see yourself on every page. My words will empower you to make the right decisions from here on in and it will help you see that you are not alone. There’s a whole bunch of us here on the Zombie set with you, relating to everything you’re going through.

      Please give me an update and let me know how the holidays turned out. Focus on making 2015 the year for YOU and not him. Work on small goals or decide to go No Contact but put a plan in action. You deserve to be happy, sister, just like you used to be and, as you know, this guy has no desire to make that happen for you.

      Stay strong and stay the course. You are not alone in the fight!

      Zari xo

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