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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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deborah
April 4, 2018 at 5:56 amI am getting a divorce from a narcissist and its a messy one. He filed. I found out that he had been having a 3 year long affair that started before he moved out. Once we separated he never tried to come back and kept me on an emotional roller coaster ride acting like he wanted to work out our problems and then the next day he was angry and abusive. The new supply is 10 years younger than me and has a really good job. I understand she has been married 4 times and cheated on each one with the the next husband. My question is this….will he ever have any regrets as to what he has done to me and will he try to come back. I do not want him back! Our whole marriage was nothing but an abusive roller coaster ride and he nearly mentally and physically broke me.
Mary
March 16, 2018 at 10:16 amHi Zari-
Thank you for being a voice for those who have suffered from Narc abuse. After 25 years I am finally divorced from my narcissistic husband. Please help me understand the following…
1). Why do I have such an issue with wanting to expose him to others? Some of our mutual friends think he is wonderful which always leaves me feeling traumatized all over again. I get the feeling that he has lied to them in regards to things about our marriage and me. We have children together so I can need fully have no contact. How do I handle these situations?
2) I understand the issues of Narcissism now that I have done my own reasearch / reading. I actually feel empathy for him based on his childhood etc.. and the reasons for his disorder. This sends me reeling into more self doubt that I could have done more or I need to show him love etc because his disorder is not something he choose etc… I feel out of control trying to regulate my emotions.
3). My children are still confused. They are 21 & 14. He plays games with them as well. Love booming then silent treatment. I want them to understand this disorder but it looks self serving. I don’t want them to become narc themselves or empaths like me in their future relationships. How do I help them?
4). He is dating now. Poor girl. He has introduced the kids to her, but forbids the kids from letting me know about her. Why?
I think it wrong to ask them to lie to me. It only makes them feel worse. Why does he do this?
I appreciate you help.
Zari Ballard
April 9, 2018 at 2:56 amHi Mary,
I thought I’d copy/paste your questions and take them one by one:
1). Why do I have such an issue with wanting to expose him to others? Some of our mutual friends think he is wonderful which always leaves me feeling traumatized all over again. I get the feeling that he has lied to them in regards to things about our marriage and me. We have children together so I can need fully have no contact. How do I handle these situations? SAY NOTHING and read this article about the smear campaign. It explains everything and WHY the strategy for staying quiet ALWAYS works. We imagine that people see the narc as amazing, blah blah but the truth is that, for the most part, people see through it but never say it. And the ones that don’t, who really cares. Saying nothing – even in your own defense – automatically puts you in a better light. I promise.
2) I understand the issues of Narcissism now that I have done my own reasearch / reading. I actually feel empathy for him based on his childhood etc.. and the reasons for his disorder. This sends me reeling into more self doubt that I could have done more or I need to show him love etc because his disorder is not something he choose etc… I feel out of control trying to regulate my emotions. Nope, don’t feel sorry for him. They all have a sob story about their childhood and we’ve all spent many years sympathizing and having empathy over their “situation”. What good did that do us? We don’t have to feel sorry for everyone in this world. If you and I stood in front of a room full of narcs and told them how we know deep down they don’t feel love because they were never shown love as a child so therefore we forgive them, they’d laugh us out of the building. Narcs get along in society just fine. They like themselves just the way that they are. They know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit. How much sympathy can you have for that? Save your compassion for those who are deserving, girl. Nothing you could have ever done would have fixed him. Nothing at all.
3). My children are still confused. They are 21 & 14. He plays games with them as well. Love booming then silent treatment. I want them to understand this disorder but it looks self serving. I don’t want them to become narc themselves or empaths like me in their future relationships. How do I help them? Your children are fairly grown and I’m sure that they understand more than you know. All you can do there is be sympathetic when they show hurt over his behaviors, be the absolute best mom you can be, and don’t talk smack about dad. That last tip goes with your first question above – the concept is the same. Find the humor in his nonsense with your kids so that it doesn’t feel so personal. Don’t look down about it, look nonchalant. With you as a mom, they will be just fine. As for letting them in on the secret (that dad’s an N), it would depend how close you are with them. If they are that confused, casually say, “Have you ever heard of narcissism?” and explain it’s a personality disorder that could explain dad’s behavior. Find an article and show it to them, one that lists the traits. I wouldn’t make it a totally serious conversation…again, nonchalant is key. I think they may appear more confused to you than they really are. The important thing is that they know it’s not their fault. And by the way, there’s nothing wrong with being an empath so don’t hope the opposite for your children. Empaths don’t make a narcissist. Narcissist’s just so happen to target empaths. In a healthy relationship with the right person, empathy both ways can be awesome!
4). He is dating now. Poor girl. He has introduced the kids to her, but forbids the kids from letting me know about her. Why?
I think it wrong to ask them to lie to me. It only makes them feel worse. Why does he do this? This is a common thing and it’s really no big deal. When a divorce is less than amicable, most dads do this narcissistic or not. But it’s really okay because why would you want to know about her anyway? Obviously, you do know about her because they told you, right? Let it be your secret with them that you know and simply don’t bring it up or ask questions. If they want to offer up information, well that’s fine but other than that, there’s just no need to talk about it. Thankfully, your children are old enough so that you don’t have to worry about an evil girlfriend caring for your kids on his time with them. That is great news! Basically, if you don’t make a big deal about her or him not wanting you to know, it will take the load off of the kids. In this case, the truth is what you don’t know can’t hurt you. If you had a boyfriend, it really would be none of his business, right? Same concept:)
I hope that helps, sister!
Zari xo
Eric
March 6, 2018 at 1:30 pmWhy is it referred to as a man? I have been through this three times w a girl…. it about destroyed me!
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 8:56 pmHi Eric, I write from a female perspective because it’s my blog, I’m a girl, and my ex-boyfriend was the narcissist. Where I can, I use the “him/her” and “he/she” but it doesn’t always fit my story. To make up for this, I’ve written an apology article for male victims which you can read here and I wrote a book for the guys called When Evil Is a Pretty Face which you can buy here. I have always said that the guys have it tougher because the female narc is so very scandalous and…well…she’s a girl and a girl narc can get away with more things than the male narc. I hope that clears up the confusion…and hank you for sharing any time:)
Zari xo
Kris
February 3, 2018 at 5:30 pmWhy are narcs so mean? I was having car problems with my ignition lock, which my narc boyfriend knew. He preferred driving my car on dates since hes so cheap.
After I paid $300 to a mechanic to replace my locks, my boyfriend said, after never admitting he knew the repair was critical, “Wow, $300! I would have fixed your car for that much myself!” He is an auto mechanic, which makes it absurd that he never offered. When I asked why he would CHARGE his “committed partner” to fix it anyway, he said it was my fault for not telling him to fix it!
Narcissist Victim
January 5, 2018 at 5:52 amI have a child with a narcissist and he is hoovering- I can’t avoid him so what do I do?
Zari Ballard
February 8, 2018 at 11:40 pmHi there…please go to the sidebar on this website and see the Article Library drop down. I have several articles on co-parenting that will help you. Full no contact isn’t possible for you of course buy it certainly can be modified so that you do not have to deal with his bullshit.
Zari:)
ash Ash
December 9, 2017 at 4:02 pmI am being hoovered right now, it is so painful :((
Kim
January 8, 2018 at 4:30 pmI am finally seeing him as this. But he owes me $. He keeps making plans to meet but then no show with a laim excuse. He has couple times wants me to get from his mailbox. I am the other woman and dont want to get caught at mailbox what do I do ?
Chris
November 14, 2017 at 12:02 pmDoes a narc ever decide to just completely leave you alone after you ignore him/her?
Zari Ballard
November 18, 2017 at 3:55 pmYes, eventually. It takes awhile though. You have to be strong and avoid them at all costs. If they have the teeniest bit of interaction, they will assume you are still in the queue and keep periodically reappearing.
Chris
November 18, 2017 at 4:12 pmThank you for your response! Avoiding them won’t be hard. We barely wanted anything to do with her (and now, her flying monkeys too) to begin with. But she sent something recently. We’ve ignored that as well. I just didn’t know if I should expect them to keep sending things.