Loving the Narcissist is NOT Your Destiny

narcissist-is-not-our-destinyEven though you feel intense love for a narcissistic partner, you must understand that loving the narcissist is not your destiny. Our codependency to hope (that incessant feeling of Oh my God, this just has to get better!) keeps us tethered to a life that we sadly feel committed to fixing instead of changing – and that’s crazy! Our destiny is not cut in stone. In other words, there comes a time when we simply have to ask ourselves if our life now – with the narcissist – is the life that we want to be living years from now. And, truthfully, life is so short, my friends, that the answer to that should be a no-brainer.

As often happens, I received my inspiration for this post from a monthly affirmation email from The DailyOm – a website containing a plethora of uplifting, thought-provoking, from-the-heart articles about our place in the universe. The article I received focused on how we, alone, are responsible for our destiny and I felt compelled to share its message as it relates to narcissist abuse.  

When-love-is-a-lie
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As you and I know, a narcissist distracts us from seeking our true destiny  via tactics like future-faking or by creating the soul-mate effect. A narcissist’s job on this planet, in fact, is to convince us that he or she is our destiny and that we can do no better in the romance department than that which this person provides (gee, thanks). We then begin to confuse taking charge of our destiny (i.e. breaking up with the narcissist) with being the end of our destiny and so we live life waiting out silent treatments or wishing for hoovers or suffocating in the lie of the narcissist’s compartmentalized life. It’s not fair and, more importantly, it’s not necessary. The truth is that a relationship with a narcissist will never get better but life without that relationship is a first step towards greatness. Which of those destinies would you prefer?

Read carefully the following simple message about our role in the creation of destiny:

Taking Responsibility for Your Destiny
Daily OM website
by Madisyn Taylor

There are those of us who believe that our lives are predestined and that we should resign ourselves to our lots in life. Yet the truth is that it is up to each one of us to decide what that destiny will be. While each of us is born with a life purpose, it is up to us whether or not we will say yes to fulfilling it. And just like when we choose what to eat, who to keep company with, and whether to turn right or left when we leave our home everyday, choosing to say yes to your destiny is a decision that can only be realized when you take action to make that choice a reality.

Whether you believe it is your destiny to be a parent, an adventurer, an artist, a pioneer, or a spiritual guru, saying yes to your destiny is only the first step. While manifesting your destiny starts with knowing what you want and believing you can attain your goals, there are then the actions that must be taken and the decisions to be made before your destiny can truly happen. When you take responsibility for fulfilling your destiny and begin acting with the intention of doing so, you not only take fate into your own hands, but also you become the hands of your own fate. Doorways inevitably open for you to step through, and every choice you make can be a creative act toward realizing your goals and dreams. You begin to follow your instincts and intuition, recognize opportunities when they are presented to you, and seize those golden moments. You also begin to recognize the decisions that may not serve this greater picture and can more easily push them aside.

Remembering that the decision to fulfill your destiny is always a choice can be empowering. Knowing that you are fulfilling your destiny because you want to rather than because you have to can make a huge difference. When you are freed from obligation, obstacles in your way become challenges to be overcome, and the journey becomes an adventure rather than the obligatory steps you are being forced to take. Your destiny may be waiting for you but whether or not you meet your destiny is up to you. Your fate is in your hands.

Your destiny is your own and only you can change it. Seriously, fuck the narcissist and his pathological lie! If you feel a connection to a narcissistic abuser, it’s time to break it. In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I ponder my process for mentally breaking free from my narcissistic ex like this:

Listen…as you walk this journey, there are certain undeniable truths (questions, if you will) that you must ask yourself for which there is only one answer…questions about boundaries, about cooperation and compromise…about entitlements….about making new memories for yourself and for your children…about knowing you could die tomorrow without regretting yesterday…..about whether or not you can say without a doubt that the person you love right now has your back at all times no matter what the circumstance. Can you say it? Without a doubt? If the answer is no, then it’s time to release your pain and walk away.  …from When Love Is a Lie

Take charge of your destiny! You don’t need this person who causes you so much pain and you never did. Don’t be afraid of the unknown because I’ve been there, rocked that and I’m telling you what lies ahead. It’s okay to let go of the narcissist because then, only miracles await you.  After the narcissist and after you’ve worked through the pain, you WILL wake up one day anxiety-free and ready to celebrate. Yup, when you choose to embrace your destiny, life throws a gala event in your honor.

Consider this an invitation to the party:)

 

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22 Comments

  • Boppy

    October 28, 2015 at 2:12 am Reply

    Hello Zari,
    I’m reading your books and they’re helping immensely. I’m wondering if you have any posts that cover “the shame that binds” as they call it. I’m definitely certain that early in the “relationship” I realised pretty much exactly how utterly fucking disgusting a human being the person I’d fucked, fallen for and gotten quickly attached to really was. And I was so ASHAMED I supressed the knowledge and tried to find redemable qualities in him, of which there are none. I couldn’t cope with the horror of my own total failure of my standards of cannyness in falling for this utterly fraudulent, beyond nasty pile of human stench. He is evil inside and I knew I’d fallen for a real creep. I had to recover my dignity somehow, I just couldn’t cope with the first discard, which was so utterly steeped in humiliation. The shame was intolerable.
    Have you written on this? Would you if you haven’t already? I was incapable of walking away from that first trashing. It was just too painful. That was the hook, I guess, in a sense it was never about him, it was about my own loss of personal dignity, and that that fucking repulsive cretin had smeared me in his own stink, really, he’d wiped me with his own inner filth. Was AWFUL, the realisation that he was exactly the kind of person that deeply disgusts me. He’s very low, a complete, total and utter user. So, the shame, the shame, do you have any posts on this?
    Cheers and best wishes, Boppy.

  • Kyle

    September 8, 2015 at 5:46 pm Reply

    (last comment seems to have disappeared)

    Hey hope you respond, I am basicly out of a relationship with what I believed was a heavily narcisstic woman. It only lasted 9 months but felt insanely real/intense/passionate and over the top. There were weird things going on from nearly the beginning about that I couldnt call her because ‘of the ex’ and something to do with children custody.

    The dynamic was messed up from the beginning but I thought I could keep my feelings out and it was fun hooking up with a hot woman. The sex was insanely dangerous but hot.

    Anyway the damage she did was pretty massive but I canthelp but think I was the ‘weak one’, it would be things like ‘I;ll call you monday’ and nothing, and only a week later ‘oh so glad to hear your voice!

    She worked on a medical helicopter so she ENDLESSLY (like every day we talked) talked about how cool she was, how many people she saved, etc etc. I would tell her things I did that were objectively ‘cool’ like rock climbing, jumping from a plane, harleys, and it was always ‘thats boring/dangerous/dumb’ followed by ‘well I got a call, got to go fly, buhbye~!’

    Long story short, found out she was married and living with husband, claims no sex, I actually believe her but the potential drama is WAY too much, I was depressed and totally lost my identity with her (is this normal?). I cut her loose, and it was hard, but I know it was right, the problem is the identity damage is still real, I feel like a ‘loser’ that my life is boring, that flying around a helicopter is the highest thing a human can strive for…

    any help? Thanks for the website and and response!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 13, 2015 at 5:41 pm Reply

      Hi Kyle,

      Finding getting back to you and I’m sorry for the delay. I’d like you to read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about female narcissism in relationships. I think it may offer some insight into what happened to you and how she manipulated the situation and your feelings. I am going to my email right now to send you a copy to the email you’ve used to make this post. In fact, I just did it now so look for it.

      Female narcissists are something else, that’s for sure. Whereas male narcissists are actually pretty good about providing compliments when they really want something, a female narcissist will come right out and roll her eyes at any activity that you do that has nothing to do with her. And by the way, my ex-husband (my son’s dad, not the ex of my books) was a helicopter pilot for the Army so, as an Army wife, I was around chopper pilots and various crew members all the time. Believe me when I tell you -THEY’RE ALL LIKE THAT. IF THEY FLY AT ALL, THEY’RE GOD. So, the fact that your ex worked on a med chopper AND happened to be a narcissist (even more so, I’m sure, than the job requires! LOL) tells me that YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, MY FRIEND. Female narcissists have their male counterparts beat hands down without even having to go up in the air as it is! You have no reason on this earth to feel down on yourself, lacking identity, etc. YOU were not the problem – ever. Do you understand this? Also understand that she is never going to change – not for you or for anyone before or after you.

      Please read the book that I sent you because I believe it will bring you some comfort and hopefully empower you to feel better about life. You deserve to be happy! Also know that I do provide phone consultations if you ever feel the need to talk one-on-one. You’d be amazed how speaking with someone who understands the dynamics of this type of relationship can change things.

      Stay strong, brother…I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Dorothy D. Miller

    September 1, 2015 at 11:26 pm Reply

    Please don’t use my real name I purchtased your book in May, and you were the one to shine headlights on my situation. Thank you !

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2015 at 8:43 am Reply

      Thank you Dorothy Miller! Feel free to log back in and use any name that you want…we want you to keep coming back! I’m grateful that you found the book helpful:)

      Stay strong, girlfriend!

      Zari xo

  • dorothy D. Miller

    September 1, 2015 at 10:48 pm Reply

    When i first discovered what narcissist personality was, I fit my narc boyfriend to a tee. In fact reading about it I felt so close to him, I was actually turned on. Ignored the red flags, thinking this has to get better when he knows how he was loved. The hardest part was t. hat he didn’t choose me. He did mirror me in the first year. He studied me, he learned how to please me in bed. Hurt, that he duped me. Then knew Oh well, he duped bigger people. His leadership and projection was so intense, I was so turned on. Blown away with his intelligence. It has taken me a year to get over him. I didn’t want to let the memories of the awesome sex go. But my last stage was knowing he did a great performance, It was just that. I don’t know who he is, He rarely genuinely smiled, it was a smirk. He will be back. I was paranoid about that, because he came unannounced and I started feeling sexy again, and desired him so. Oxycodone is addictive,and I am an addict. nc for 4 months. Then the text. Not falling for it. It is a decision to let it go. I don’t worry about it happening again with anyone else, because the are rare. Education is Key. Im sorry for him that his spirit won’t go anywhere, just disintegrate. They are farce, and know nothing else. He was coddled and praised as a child,and a product of personality disorder,This helps for the forgiving part. But never ever trust,or think they will change. Now its time for me to feel happy again. Im sorry i fell for evil.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2015 at 8:49 am Reply

      D wrote...It has taken me a year to get over him. I didn’t want to let the memories of the awesome sex go. But my last stage was knowing he did a great performance, It was just that!

      Yup, the hardest thing for me to get over as well. But when you sit back and realize that it IS a performance and that he will perform that same way for someone/everyone else, the sex takes on a very different meaning. Suddenly, without that one thing to miss in the way that we so sadly missed it, freedom comes much easier.

      Stay strong!!

      Zari xo

  • Starting_Anew

    July 28, 2015 at 7:25 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    It’s been a few months since I’ve last submitted a post but I am back because I need some of your helpful advice. Currently, I am on month five of NC and for the past four months of NC, I haven’t snooped online to look for info about my ex — that is until this past Friday. I went online and checked two of his email accounts. After I snooped, I instantly felt horrible because I saw a picture of the OW that he discarded me for through triangulation.

    Deep down inside I felt awful because I was hoping that they weren’t together. I know that I shouldn’t have peeked. Since Friday, I’ve been ruminating like crazy about my xN and I really feel terrible. Is it normal to regress when I’ve been doing so well by not peeking before? It was like that day I just kept thinking, “I wonder what he’s up to?”, and I looked.

    I can’t even believe that AFTER 5 MONTHS he hasn’t changed his passwords. I on the other hand, changed my passwords and blocked him from my email, cell phone, and house phone.

    Another thing Zari, I’ve been seeing his birthday (which is next Friday), pop up out of nowhere more than a little bit. Even one of my best friends was talking to me about a special event and when she said the date, I said, “OH NO!” because, it’s the same day as my xN’s birthday.

    Is that a sign? What do you think? Now, I’ve been constantly thinking about his birthday coming up and I can’t help but to think about how he’ll be with the NS, laughing and having a great ole time. Meanwhile, I am here going bonkers and putting energy into him, and he’s living his “Happy Life”.

    Do you have ANY suggestions or advice on how to handle when their birthdays come up? What should I do?

    I don’t know why I’ve been feeling this way lately when I’ve been doing way better before.
    Anyway, I thank you for taking the time out to read my message!

    Best,
    Starting_Anew …or trying!

  • Rosemary

    June 13, 2015 at 11:17 am Reply

    I have, today, sadly reached the conclusion that I will never feel safe whilst my former husband is still alive. The persona which he portrays to the world is so charming and plausible, yet he lurks within my life, with menace, and only death will free me from his vice-like grip. I joke to people that the inscription which I will have upon my tombstone will read, ‘I have finally escaped from my former husband!’. Just for clarification, I am not suicidal!! Just tied by the English legal system to a monster.

    • Rosemary

      June 13, 2015 at 11:29 am Reply

      Please can you amend this to show only my christian name. Many thanks. Rosemary.

      • Zari Ballard

        June 15, 2015 at 10:46 am Reply

        Hello,

        I’m not sure what you mean when you say “christian name” but if you explain, I’ll be glad to do it and I will delete or change your posts accordingly. Please let me know. You can always create an email address just for posting here and use a fake name so that you feel comfortable posting freely. In fact, considering your fear, I would prefer that you do that. It’s easy to do and everyone here does it, believe me. My first concern is that you feel safe and secure but I also want to provide you the support that you need:)

        Zari xo

        • Rosemary

          June 17, 2015 at 8:13 am Reply

          Could you please delete my surname ‘Stevens’ from my post as I did not realise that my full name would appear in public. Many thanks.

          • Zari Ballard

            June 18, 2015 at 10:25 pm

            Done:) From now on, just put Rosemary and we should be all good….

            Zari xo

  • Cindy Fairfield

    June 13, 2015 at 6:54 am Reply

    After a 30-year marriage in which we once were recognized in the Detroit Free Press as one of the state’s “power couples” because of our respective high-profile careers, I discovered my Narcissistic husband had been having an affair for four years. To my knowledge, this was the only time he had cheated though there probably were other times I just didn’t know about. All my life, I knew there was something not right about him, he was incredibly self-absorbed and non-giving and could rage suddenly, but I never knew until last December there was an actual disorder for this. My ex-husband is textbook and he is malignant. I had to tread lightly during the divorce process, but vowed that his smear campaign upon me and the brainwashing of my adult daughter (his golden child among our three girls) against me would come back to haunt him once the divorce was final (6 weeks ago). We must have some contact at this time because we are selling the home we have lived in for 29 years so he comes over once a week or so and moves out some more of his stuff. But when we do speak, I have made it a point to be relentless about my knowledge that he is empty inside and will cheat the rest of his life, no matter who he is with, and will die in hell. I have always been a very kind, but assertive and self-confident person. Fortunately, I have three cell phone audio videos of his profound and profanity-laced rages during the past year, in which I was in the throes of a very cruel discard phase and didn’t know what was going on, since my ex constantly lied about his faithfulness and devotion to me to keep me in the queue of his love triangle so that he could continue to get his “high.” Once I found the fake phone in January, I was on the phone with an attorney to file for divorce within 10 minutes, and waited a couple days to confront him about discovering his affair to ensure our funds were frozen so he didn’t pull any shenanigans with our money. Having to pretend that all was OK for 36 hours was the most difficult acting job of my life, but it was successful. Now when I confront him in a very calm and measured voice about knowing he is an N and how he works and what he will do and that he is simply the devil in disguise, he generally starts to gasp a bit for breath, projects what I am saying about him onto me, and then leaves abruptly. I feel very empowered by doing this and in control of my life for the first time in a long time. Everyone says “no contact” at all. I tell him to stop the smear campaign against me and to quit brainwashing our daughter or I’ll put his rage tapes on YouTube. Why is me spreading the truth about this vermin wrong?

    • Zari Ballard

      June 20, 2015 at 2:11 am Reply

      Hi Cindy,

      Thank you for writing and, while I’m not going to tell you that spreading the truth is “wrong” (because we all want to do it), I am going to tell you that it is the wrong thing to do and here’s why: 1) it’s exactly what he wants so that he can make you look like the crazy one, 2) the only reputation that will get ruined by it is yours (no matter how many friends you believe are on your side), 3) the kids are not going to “get” the point of your ranting on Dad and they’re probably feeling bad enough, and 4) there is BIG POWER in saying nothing because then HE looks like the piece of shit that he is. Seriously, say nothing for all the aforementioned reasons with the biggest reason being that narcissists always dig their own verbal grave (even if it doesn’t appear that way). Trust me. I know from experience.

      Cindy, I know you’re pissed but I’m telling you like it is. Nothing you say is going to make any difference – to him or to the crowd. I’m not saying that you have to cow down – no way – but I am saying that showing nothing but DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE when you see him and saying nothing to the local crowd about your business IS ALWAYS GOING TO PUT YOU IN THE BETTER LIGHT. Plus, it will piss him off. It’s the best revenge.

      I’m just went to my email and sent you a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie because I want you to read it now. I also included a little note. I sent it to the email address you used to post this comment so please look for it. There’s so much to say. Please read my book and let me know your thoughts. You can be the winner and have the best revenge ever – but you have to step out of your comfort zone to do it.

      Stay strong and I’m here to help in any way that I can…

      Zari xo

  • Bethd

    June 13, 2015 at 4:13 am Reply

    Hell no! They are not our destinies in the least! I believe they come into our life for a reason and once you heal and understand what happened, you are better for it. I’m definitely a better person for the experience with stronger boundaries and more knowledge about myself. Most of us who get into this situation are empaths, fixers and the type of person that always looks for the good in people. Narcs will exploit that for all it’s worth. I can’t tell you how many people in my personal life I have helped to get away from these toxic vampires so my experience was valuable in that aspect as well. Narcissists are way more numerous than statistics show. Thanks to people like Zari the word is spreading and more people are on to their sick games and the futility of hanging in there in hopes of fixing them. The road to happiness and peace is there for us all once we detach. Take that invitation and celebrate!

    • Zari Ballard

      June 15, 2015 at 7:53 am Reply

      Thank Ms.Beth! Always happy when you stop by to share a wise word:)

      Zari xo

    • Christine

      June 19, 2015 at 3:43 pm Reply

      Bethd, amen to that! You really took the words out of my mouth. Without my narcissist now (it’s now been 10 months of no contact), my life is so much better than I ever could have imagined. Now I’m dating a truly kind, thoughtful and giving man who gives me everything that I wanted from the narcissist, but could never get. As with anything in life, it isn’t guaranteed and who knows how long it will last–but even if it ends tomorrow, a breakup with a “normal” guy would feel like a pin prick compared to the emotional stabbing I got from the narcissist! In a perverse way, my narcissist unintentionally gave me some valuable (if harsh) life lessons and some courage. Knowing that I can go through and survive such a horrific emotional experience showed me a certain strength I didn’t even know I had. Before this experience, I was one of those empaths you speak of. I still want to retain that nurturing, empathic quality, but also learned how to still respect myself and look out for my own needs too.

      Bless Zari and the others out there shedding light on these narcissists, so that people will learn their lessons and then extricate themselves from this situation, as I did. Life can be very beautiful, but only AFTER leaving the narcissist. I only gained a better life after getting out from under the narcissist’s toxic influence and learning to focus on myself again. Hugs to us all! Our real destiny is so much greater than the narcissist.

      • Bethd

        June 19, 2015 at 6:57 pm Reply

        So happy for you Christine. I’ve been in a loving relationship now for a long time. I appreciate my whole experience as horrific as it was. I love the song “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” So true! My second fav is “now your just somebody that I use to know”. I’m glad you retained your nurturing good qualities yet have stronger boundaries and respect for yourself. You are on the right track and it’s all good. Hugs to you and agree…..God bless Zari!!!

    • Liz

      September 1, 2015 at 1:03 am Reply

      Hi just read your post, so right I’m a little fixer, always look for the good in people and generally a nice person, my N homed in on this and chipped and chipped away at me always using the premis, that I needed looking after we even had the joke about layers of cotton wool, I’m not saying it’s not nice to have someone look after you.. But you need to breathe through the cotton wool , keep up the good work warning other people of these people keep strong xxx

  • Ashley

    June 13, 2015 at 12:16 am Reply

    Was my ex narcissistic ok lets skip to the middle by this time I just had our daughter he was going out a lot so i figured if I let him have sex with . My friend’s not them alone a . Threesum ….so we would have them ass he would pay more attention to my friend’s then me clearly seeing that i was upset he would continue to have blsex with these so called friend’s sometimes i would fall asleep with them sexing next to me the next day he would he be all Over me an i would just write it off as him being bl really drunk so four months later I became pregnant with our son back to going out he would go out almost every other day he would go shopping every time an by this time we had argued so much about it an he would tell me have you every caught me cheating no you haven’t an I come back home too you every time yeah drunk cocaine out would wake me up out my sleep bring his friends home an woman at this time I was convinced that I was being a trusting an understanding girlfriend I didn’t blow him up our questioned him but if I was going out who are . You with where are you going when will you be back we argued so much about the going out even when I wasn’t pregnant he would tell me it’s just me an the boys witch was always him an the boys we would break up he would tell me he changed he did for a while then back to the same him he never woke up with the babies or changed a dipper an ibwould be sleep just falling asleep from cleaning or doing whatever it was he wanted then he would yell at me telling me I know you here the baby crying me not hearing the baby from being exhausted I cooked washed clothes an I was also initialed to satisfy him it wasn’t about me any more he didn’t even care i . Layed there like a dead animal he wouldb tell me all i did was complain became so dapreessed that bib drank from the time ib woke upb till ib went tob bed he would leave 11 a.m. to 11p.m i wasn lonely an b he seemed to be bothered i should be happy I lived in a 5 bed room house with a office family room an a spa tub fire place I Told him I never cared about material things b all I wanted was him after 5 years ib couldn’t b take it any more i moved o ut he started popping up at my place all hours of the night i barely b got him tob leave me alone b he came over threw a wrench through my n patio window then act like he didn’t know what bi was talking about ib Todd him I was in a happy relationship an he blocked b me like I’m the nut bag now he sweet too me I told him I’m having a baby he seems perfectly fine an it’s all skit being a great dad bull shit

    • Pam

      May 8, 2016 at 9:38 pm Reply

      my narcissist bf just dumped me and he keeps calling me a slut even tho he is the one who cheats and lies etc. I have never been so f—– hurt in all my life. i keep having the same stupid relationships over and over and I am sick of it. all I want to do is have someone to love and love me back not some sex addict who wants to do every broad he sees. he even tried to post naked pics of me on craigslist!
      JERK. I am 54 years old and I think I am doomed to be alone. he wasted 7 years of my life for nothing and even wrecked my new car.

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