Even though you feel intense love for a narcissistic partner, you must understand that loving the narcissist is not your destiny. Our codependency to hope (that incessant feeling of Oh my God, this just has to get better!) keeps us tethered to a life that we sadly feel committed to fixing instead of changing – and that’s crazy! Our destiny is not cut in stone. In other words, there comes a time when we simply have to ask ourselves if our life now – with the narcissist – is the life that we want to be living years from now. And, truthfully, life is so short, my friends, that the answer to that should be a no-brainer.
As often happens, I received my inspiration for this post from a monthly affirmation email from The DailyOm – a website containing a plethora of uplifting, thought-provoking, from-the-heart articles about our place in the universe. The article I received focused on how we, alone, are responsible for our destiny and I felt compelled to share its message as it relates to narcissist abuse.
As you and I know, a narcissist distracts us from seeking our true destiny via tactics like future-faking or by creating the soul-mate effect. A narcissist’s job on this planet, in fact, is to convince us that he or she is our destiny and that we can do no better in the romance department than that which this person provides (gee, thanks). We then begin to confuse taking charge of our destiny (i.e. breaking up with the narcissist) with being the end of our destiny and so we live life waiting out silent treatments or wishing for hoovers or suffocating in the lie of the narcissist’s compartmentalized life. It’s not fair and, more importantly, it’s not necessary. The truth is that a relationship with a narcissist will never get better but life without that relationship is a first step towards greatness. Which of those destinies would you prefer?
Read carefully the following simple message about our role in the creation of destiny:
There are those of us who believe that our lives are predestined and that we should resign ourselves to our lots in life. Yet the truth is that it is up to each one of us to decide what that destiny will be. While each of us is born with a life purpose, it is up to us whether or not we will say yes to fulfilling it. And just like when we choose what to eat, who to keep company with, and whether to turn right or left when we leave our home everyday, choosing to say yes to your destiny is a decision that can only be realized when you take action to make that choice a reality.
Whether you believe it is your destiny to be a parent, an adventurer, an artist, a pioneer, or a spiritual guru, saying yes to your destiny is only the first step. While manifesting your destiny starts with knowing what you want and believing you can attain your goals, there are then the actions that must be taken and the decisions to be made before your destiny can truly happen. When you take responsibility for fulfilling your destiny and begin acting with the intention of doing so, you not only take fate into your own hands, but also you become the hands of your own fate. Doorways inevitably open for you to step through, and every choice you make can be a creative act toward realizing your goals and dreams. You begin to follow your instincts and intuition, recognize opportunities when they are presented to you, and seize those golden moments. You also begin to recognize the decisions that may not serve this greater picture and can more easily push them aside.
Remembering that the decision to fulfill your destiny is always a choice can be empowering. Knowing that you are fulfilling your destiny because you want to rather than because you have to can make a huge difference. When you are freed from obligation, obstacles in your way become challenges to be overcome, and the journey becomes an adventure rather than the obligatory steps you are being forced to take. Your destiny may be waiting for you but whether or not you meet your destiny is up to you. Your fate is in your hands.
Your destiny is your own and only you can change it. Seriously, fuck the narcissist and his pathological lie! If you feel a connection to a narcissistic abuser, it’s time to break it. In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I ponder my process for mentally breaking free from my narcissistic ex like this:
Listen…as you walk this journey, there are certain undeniable truths (questions, if you will) that you must ask yourself for which there is only one answer…questions about boundaries, about cooperation and compromise…about entitlements….about making new memories for yourself and for your children…about knowing you could die tomorrow without regretting yesterday…..about whether or not you can say without a doubt that the person you love right now has your back at all times no matter what the circumstance. Can you say it? Without a doubt? If the answer is no, then it’s time to release your pain and walk away. …from When Love Is a Lie
Take charge of your destiny! You don’t need this person who causes you so much pain and you never did. Don’t be afraid of the unknown because I’ve been there, rocked that and I’m telling you what lies ahead. It’s okay to let go of the narcissist because then, only miracles await you. After the narcissist and after you’ve worked through the pain, you WILL wake up one day anxiety-free and ready to celebrate. Yup, when you choose to embrace your destiny, life throws a gala event in your honor.
Consider this an invitation to the party:)