Loving the Narcissist is NOT Your Destiny

narcissist-is-not-our-destinyEven though you feel intense love for a narcissistic partner, you must understand that loving the narcissist is not your destiny. Our codependency to hope (that incessant feeling of Oh my God, this just has to get better!) keeps us tethered to a life that we sadly feel committed to fixing instead of changing – and that’s crazy! Our destiny is not cut in stone. In other words, there comes a time when we simply have to ask ourselves if our life now – with the narcissist – is the life that we want to be living years from now. And, truthfully, life is so short, my friends, that the answer to that should be a no-brainer.

As often happens, I received my inspiration for this post from a monthly affirmation email from The DailyOm – a website containing a plethora of uplifting, thought-provoking, from-the-heart articles about our place in the universe. The article I received focused on how we, alone, are responsible for our destiny and I felt compelled to share its message as it relates to narcissist abuse.  

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As you and I know, a narcissist distracts us from seeking our true destiny  via tactics like future-faking or by creating the soul-mate effect. A narcissist’s job on this planet, in fact, is to convince us that he or she is our destiny and that we can do no better in the romance department than that which this person provides (gee, thanks). We then begin to confuse taking charge of our destiny (i.e. breaking up with the narcissist) with being the end of our destiny and so we live life waiting out silent treatments or wishing for hoovers or suffocating in the lie of the narcissist’s compartmentalized life. It’s not fair and, more importantly, it’s not necessary. The truth is that a relationship with a narcissist will never get better but life without that relationship is a first step towards greatness. Which of those destinies would you prefer?

Read carefully the following simple message about our role in the creation of destiny:

Taking Responsibility for Your Destiny
Daily OM website
by Madisyn Taylor

There are those of us who believe that our lives are predestined and that we should resign ourselves to our lots in life. Yet the truth is that it is up to each one of us to decide what that destiny will be. While each of us is born with a life purpose, it is up to us whether or not we will say yes to fulfilling it. And just like when we choose what to eat, who to keep company with, and whether to turn right or left when we leave our home everyday, choosing to say yes to your destiny is a decision that can only be realized when you take action to make that choice a reality.

Whether you believe it is your destiny to be a parent, an adventurer, an artist, a pioneer, or a spiritual guru, saying yes to your destiny is only the first step. While manifesting your destiny starts with knowing what you want and believing you can attain your goals, there are then the actions that must be taken and the decisions to be made before your destiny can truly happen. When you take responsibility for fulfilling your destiny and begin acting with the intention of doing so, you not only take fate into your own hands, but also you become the hands of your own fate. Doorways inevitably open for you to step through, and every choice you make can be a creative act toward realizing your goals and dreams. You begin to follow your instincts and intuition, recognize opportunities when they are presented to you, and seize those golden moments. You also begin to recognize the decisions that may not serve this greater picture and can more easily push them aside.

Remembering that the decision to fulfill your destiny is always a choice can be empowering. Knowing that you are fulfilling your destiny because you want to rather than because you have to can make a huge difference. When you are freed from obligation, obstacles in your way become challenges to be overcome, and the journey becomes an adventure rather than the obligatory steps you are being forced to take. Your destiny may be waiting for you but whether or not you meet your destiny is up to you. Your fate is in your hands.

Your destiny is your own and only you can change it. Seriously, fuck the narcissist and his pathological lie! If you feel a connection to a narcissistic abuser, it’s time to break it. In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I ponder my process for mentally breaking free from my narcissistic ex like this:

Listen…as you walk this journey, there are certain undeniable truths (questions, if you will) that you must ask yourself for which there is only one answer…questions about boundaries, about cooperation and compromise…about entitlements….about making new memories for yourself and for your children…about knowing you could die tomorrow without regretting yesterday…..about whether or not you can say without a doubt that the person you love right now has your back at all times no matter what the circumstance. Can you say it? Without a doubt? If the answer is no, then it’s time to release your pain and walk away.  …from When Love Is a Lie

Take charge of your destiny! You don’t need this person who causes you so much pain and you never did. Don’t be afraid of the unknown because I’ve been there, rocked that and I’m telling you what lies ahead. It’s okay to let go of the narcissist because then, only miracles await you.  After the narcissist and after you’ve worked through the pain, you WILL wake up one day anxiety-free and ready to celebrate. Yup, when you choose to embrace your destiny, life throws a gala event in your honor.

Consider this an invitation to the party:)



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  • John caughman

    October 21, 2017 at 6:42 pm Reply

    The problem with accepting that your significant other was a narcissist is denial. Your cognitive dissonance defies accepting that your loved one was different than your idealized version of her. This is painful to accept. It is difficult to believe that you fell in love was someone who really didn’t exist, at least not emotionally. Getting through the pain of rejection from a narcissist is the easy part. The hard part is accepting the reality of the situation.

  • Miss P

    May 30, 2017 at 4:08 am Reply

    Hello. I’ve just broken a up(he did it) with my boyfriend which is causin me pain that not even the death of my father gave me. I try to find explanations to what happened and thinking that he’s a narc helps. The thing is that he’s also and addict and was physically abusive to me. I find this to be a muddle…. so when my head tries to make sense of things it goes like , was he really a narc? Is it the drugs? Is my fault? He’s trying to stop the drugs … is he going to be different?
    Have you got any light to shed on this narc/addict combination?
    Miss P

    • Zari Ballard

      June 11, 2017 at 7:13 pm Reply

      My narc was an “addict” and so are thousands of others…either drink or drug or both. However, not every narc is an addict so I don’t feel that it’s a surefire thing. My thinking is that addiction is a good excuse for a narc’s behaviors but mine did the same things sober. In fact, many narcs are even more evil when they’re sober because THEN they are narcs with a clear head and watch out! I have no doubt the addiction doesn’t help with the physical abuse though because that usually intensifies if it exists to begin with.

      You are doing the right thing by breaking up. If you can, book some consultation time with me so that we can talk about and work through it. I’d need much more information to make a full analysis of the situation but I’m more than happy to help.

      Zari xo

  • Boppy

    October 28, 2015 at 2:12 am Reply

    Hello Zari,
    I’m reading your books and they’re helping immensely. I’m wondering if you have any posts that cover “the shame that binds” as they call it. I’m definitely certain that early in the “relationship” I realised pretty much exactly how utterly fucking disgusting a human being the person I’d fucked, fallen for and gotten quickly attached to really was. And I was so ASHAMED I supressed the knowledge and tried to find redemable qualities in him, of which there are none. I couldn’t cope with the horror of my own total failure of my standards of cannyness in falling for this utterly fraudulent, beyond nasty pile of human stench. He is evil inside and I knew I’d fallen for a real creep. I had to recover my dignity somehow, I just couldn’t cope with the first discard, which was so utterly steeped in humiliation. The shame was intolerable.
    Have you written on this? Would you if you haven’t already? I was incapable of walking away from that first trashing. It was just too painful. That was the hook, I guess, in a sense it was never about him, it was about my own loss of personal dignity, and that that fucking repulsive cretin had smeared me in his own stink, really, he’d wiped me with his own inner filth. Was AWFUL, the realisation that he was exactly the kind of person that deeply disgusts me. He’s very low, a complete, total and utter user. So, the shame, the shame, do you have any posts on this?
    Cheers and best wishes, Boppy.

  • Kyle

    September 8, 2015 at 5:46 pm Reply

    (last comment seems to have disappeared)

    Hey hope you respond, I am basicly out of a relationship with what I believed was a heavily narcisstic woman. It only lasted 9 months but felt insanely real/intense/passionate and over the top. There were weird things going on from nearly the beginning about that I couldnt call her because ‘of the ex’ and something to do with children custody.

    The dynamic was messed up from the beginning but I thought I could keep my feelings out and it was fun hooking up with a hot woman. The sex was insanely dangerous but hot.

    Anyway the damage she did was pretty massive but I canthelp but think I was the ‘weak one’, it would be things like ‘I;ll call you monday’ and nothing, and only a week later ‘oh so glad to hear your voice!

    She worked on a medical helicopter so she ENDLESSLY (like every day we talked) talked about how cool she was, how many people she saved, etc etc. I would tell her things I did that were objectively ‘cool’ like rock climbing, jumping from a plane, harleys, and it was always ‘thats boring/dangerous/dumb’ followed by ‘well I got a call, got to go fly, buhbye~!’

    Long story short, found out she was married and living with husband, claims no sex, I actually believe her but the potential drama is WAY too much, I was depressed and totally lost my identity with her (is this normal?). I cut her loose, and it was hard, but I know it was right, the problem is the identity damage is still real, I feel like a ‘loser’ that my life is boring, that flying around a helicopter is the highest thing a human can strive for…

    any help? Thanks for the website and and response!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 13, 2015 at 5:41 pm Reply

      Hi Kyle,

      Finding getting back to you and I’m sorry for the delay. I’d like you to read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about female narcissism in relationships. I think it may offer some insight into what happened to you and how she manipulated the situation and your feelings. I am going to my email right now to send you a copy to the email you’ve used to make this post. In fact, I just did it now so look for it.

      Female narcissists are something else, that’s for sure. Whereas male narcissists are actually pretty good about providing compliments when they really want something, a female narcissist will come right out and roll her eyes at any activity that you do that has nothing to do with her. And by the way, my ex-husband (my son’s dad, not the ex of my books) was a helicopter pilot for the Army so, as an Army wife, I was around chopper pilots and various crew members all the time. Believe me when I tell you -THEY’RE ALL LIKE THAT. IF THEY FLY AT ALL, THEY’RE GOD. So, the fact that your ex worked on a med chopper AND happened to be a narcissist (even more so, I’m sure, than the job requires! LOL) tells me that YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, MY FRIEND. Female narcissists have their male counterparts beat hands down without even having to go up in the air as it is! You have no reason on this earth to feel down on yourself, lacking identity, etc. YOU were not the problem – ever. Do you understand this? Also understand that she is never going to change – not for you or for anyone before or after you.

      Please read the book that I sent you because I believe it will bring you some comfort and hopefully empower you to feel better about life. You deserve to be happy! Also know that I do provide phone consultations if you ever feel the need to talk one-on-one. You’d be amazed how speaking with someone who understands the dynamics of this type of relationship can change things.

      Stay strong, brother…I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

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