In Part I of this article, I explained how the narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life and that is to see what he can get away with. He truly knows nothing else. Everything he does/says throughout the course of the day – and throughout the duration of the relationship – is based upon his ability to deceive. He must continually try to hone his skills. Since he will lie about even the smallest of things, we are forever scratching our head, trying to deal with our overwhelming suspicions. After awhile, we become almost immune to the lying and instead of throwing tantrums, we choose instead to ignore much of it as a way to keep the peace. Make no mistake, my friends, our passivity to the N’s unscrupulous behaviors and indiscretions has been the desired end result all along. You mean everything he does… all those bad behaviors that hurt me…are done on purpose? On purpose??!! What are you saying?
So, when the narcissist open his eyes in the morning, is he thinking of ways to betray us? No, I don’t think so but here’s the deal: every day, all day, things happen to us or we find ourselves in situations where we could easily decide to do the wrong thing – but we don’t do it. Our moral compass not only keeps us from doing bad things, it keeps us from even noticing all of the opportunities to do bad that are out there. Because we’re not looking to get away with something all the time, we keep on walking. Just because a guy at work is cute doesn’t mean we’ll automatically fuck him, right? If we’re in a relationship, we simply don’t feel entitled to do that. The narcissist, however, feels entitled to do that and more. He feels entitled to do anything and everything that he wants on the fly… and when a person feels that entitled to do something, there is no guilt.
This false sense of entitlement that the narcissist enjoys is his catalyst for getting away with things. He lives in a world without rules – and in a world without rules, a person can get away with anything and everything at anybody’s expense. This is the narcissist’s life and it can’t be fixed or changed or even improved. Our love with this person will always be a lie.
Even though it describes nothing that we like to hear, my theory on the narcissist’s secret to success explains so many things. It explains why he lies about the smallest of things…things that are so insignificant that to lie about them is completely unnecessary. Yet, that’s what a narcissist will do – lie about it, again and again.
Accepting my theory as a simple truth means that we can stop banging our heads against rock walls. We can stop losing sleep over why he did this or said that. We can choose to fight against it, call him out on it, or turn a blind eye to it but at least we’ll have the mental clarity to make the best choice. Without providing me details (of course), my ex used to tell me that I made him out to be far more complicated than he really was and I dare say he was actually telling me the truth. To us normal folk, pathological lying is a very complicated thing and we treat it accordingly. To the narcissist, it’s just business as usual and there’s nothing complicated about it.
If we understand that, to a narcissist, life is about nothing more than what he can get away, suddenly we understand…:
- …a narcissist can hoover months – and even years – down the road despite the reasons for the break-up.
- …how he can do the same things repeatedly even though he knows that these behaviors are non-conducive to the relationship.
- …how he can return after a silent treatment as if he’d never been gone, expecting no repercussions whatsoever for his disappearance
- …how he can compartmentalize, juggling several relationships at once without showing any signs of stress or emotional wear and tear
- …how a married narcissist can juggle his mistresses so easily or appear to leave his wife and children without blinking an eye
- …why he lies even when the truth is a better story…even when the truth will dissuade your suspicions and keep the peace
My theory explains away everything about the relationship agenda that we’ve ever agonized over. Things start to make sense. Now, we suddenly realize why he can just up and leave and seemingly move on to someone else as if our history together meant nothing. The truth is that, every time the narcissist abandons us, it means that he wasn’t able to get away with something. Do you understand this?
So, stop banging you head around trying to figure out why it didn’t work. Stop crying your eyes out imagining that he’s treating someone else better than you. No matter where he goes or who he’s with, he’s going to be up to his usual tricks. Almost from day one, he’ll be deceiving at the same time that he’s idolizing. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
As I stated in Part 1, the narcissist is as simple as he is complicated. Because we love this person, we imagine that he’s actually a human being with a conscience. We make him out to be much bigger and much better than he really is or ever will be. The simple truth is that he’s just a narcissist who knows right from wrong but could care less about it and whose passion in life is seeing what he can get away with every day, all day. That’s all it’s about.
Move on and live in peace, my friends. Above all else, you deserve to be happy.
Sam
July 31, 2016 at 7:42 pmHI Zari
Its been a while since I read up on your posts and everytime I do, I realize truths about the Narc. In my own time, my own pace of getting over my past, I come to terms with the WHYS and HOWS little by little. And when I do read up on your posts, your thoughts are right on! How amazing is that. That means indeed that my suspicions are right and the doctors were right too.
My ex husband is way up there on the Narcissism scale. Each and every single things I have read about Narcs, he has shown on many instances. He ticks off each and every box. All the things different women say their Narcs did, he has done it too in almost textbook fashion.
Why then Zari do you think that its almost clinical in nature, that the recipe for a NArc is exactly the same no matter race culture or age? It like having a cold that begins with a sore throat then hoarseness, then so on so forth. Every person who gets a cold has to go through the same symptoms.
My ex husband used to lie about every little thing. Things that normal people do not see the need to lie about. Even when he was doing nothing wrong, he had to lie about it.
For example. Once we went to watch a play together on a holiday. Work was off for the day so the office was not calling. And bosses DO expect that you are out enjoying your day. Friends and family too expect that of any holiday.
We were walking then his mom calls and asks us where we were. A normal person would answer “oh we just watched a play”. I saw it with my own two eyes, that he went into this long winded blatant lie. He made up an entire story where we were. I asked him after he put the the phone, why he had to lie, whats the point?
And he goes, I hate people who ask where I am. ????
He would even feel the need to lie about what he ate for lunch. I mean no one is judging him. Its a perfectly normal friendly question but he just had an aversion to the truth,
Only later did I learn that this habit extends to women, to work, to everything he is. If he says about a woman that they are just friends, I bet you it would be a full blown affair. If he says I only played videogames for about an hour, he played for an entire day and night. Worse thing was that he would masturbate while playing World of Warcraft for example.
He would masturbate out of excitement of pretending to be someone he is not.
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2016 at 2:12 pmHi Sam,
Wow….yes, you’re guy followed the typical narc pattern of “lying even when the truth is a better story”, didn’t he? The masturbating during World of Warcraft – holy crap, that’s crazy, but there is ALWAYS something sexually deviant lurking in the background with every single one of these jerks. I would consider that deviant!
As for why it’s all the same across the planet, this is why, I suppose, it’s considered a “disorder”. While I understand what you mean by the cold comparison, I’d have to add to that by saying that its more like this person actually had a cold the entire time but was very good at hiding it. Know what I mean? It doesn’t come on gradually to them, only to us because we can’t even wrap our heads around what we’re seeing. We look the other way for a long time.
But the lying…My God…mine did the same thing. I’ve written about in several posts here…especially about how he lied about every little thing and how it made me insane. I like the way you call it an aversion to the truth and while I agree with that, again I have to add to it by saying that for a narc, everyday, all day, it’s all about what they can get away with and lying is the easiest way to hone their skills. I feel that it’s easier for them to simply lie about everything than to have to come up with big lies every once in a while. This also keeps us confused as to what is true and what is false. It keeps us off balance and this is the intention.
Yikes – that World of Warcraft thing has put a visual in my head! LOLOLOL These guys are SO creepy, aren’t they??? Stay strong, girl!
Zari xo
MsDori
February 6, 2016 at 10:34 amI subscribed to your newsletter and have been reading your posted articles; and, it is a relief to know about other’s circumstances after all these years. I wrote a commentary last month; however, it was never posted and I’m not sure why… Anyway, I just wanted to say, Zari, that your site is so helpful to those of us who have lived and dealt with an N. We are easily ‘fooled’ by the various ‘types’ of personalities they portray. I have spent half my life in 3 different relationships with 3 different personality types…the out-right arrogant jerk, the humble, country-boy, pathological liar and the business professional, family patriarct, anonymous philanthropist. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times…” he’s an NPR! I could have used your books, Zari, back in the 70’s and 80’s 🙂 to avert so much relationship heartaches over the years. The last one really was a ‘covert’ N and I’m working, once again, on the no-contact…I’ve done it twice for a whole year, but was reeled back in with ‘future faking’. This time, I set (2) requirements for him before we could “move forward as a couple” (his words of future faking). 1. He was to be totally honest with me about the relationship he had with another woman (I discovered the year before, who he claimed as being ‘long time friends’, etc) and 2. That he be totally honest with the other woman about our relationship and his intentions with us being a couple (I also required verification either by the other woman or a 3rd party). Of course, he danced around being truthful with me about their relationship with a long story of how their kids grew up together, lived in the same neighborhood, had a fling after his divorce that ended in 2004, that due to serious medical issues he helped her get back on her feet financially and she mistook his generosity for more than it was…etc. He even brought up my past relationships and how it affected ‘ours’, in which I responded that my past relationships had nothing to do with ‘what he had done and the lies he told’.
In discussing ‘being honest with her’, he became very agitated, claimed she would find out sooner or later from others, told me that his relationship with her ‘was none of my business’ and there was no way he could/would have someone else ‘confirm’ anything. That ended the conversation, as we had other appointments to get to…but it also ‘hit the nail’ for me.
If he wasn’t going to confront the other woman about us, then I would..while thinking about this for a few days…I received a text from him saying he was depressed, wasn’t sure if it was due to a mixup on his medications (for cronic medical issues…this was a repeated circumstance over the years), but due to my requirements, he felt that we should go our separate ways…wishing me peace and love…etc. etc. etc. (Yes, really a text! breakup…not the first in a series over the years). A few days later, I composed a nice letter to the other woman, beginning with “you probably don’t know me, but we have apparently had a relationship with the same man for many years”…I explained when I met him in 2006 and the highlights of what had transpired todate…ending with that I had no intention of continuing a relationship with a man who continued to perpetuate a lie, hoping that “the truth shall set us free” would be something she needed as well as myself and wished her well with whatever path she chose to follow. I sent the letter to her via private message to her facebook page, not knowing if she would accept or decline. The very next morning at 7:30 am, I received two calls from him, one on my home phone & cell…I didn’t pickup and he didn’t leave a message; but, I knew she must have read my message and contacted him.
After a few days went by, I received a response from her, thanking me for writing. It took her a few days to get over the shock and hurt (she said); responding in kind, that “Yes, the truth does set us free”, also wishing me well.
Whether or not I helped save someone else from his ‘stringing along, future faking’ tactics, I may never know; but, it makes me feel stronger in sticking to my committment to move on without further contact with him…and, I know he will eventually make an attempt, he always does.
I would love to meet a sincere, loving man, non-N, to finish life’s journey with; however, the selection of healthy, active, available men in my age group are slim to none. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely, it’s just a case of not willing to settle for another N. 🙂
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2016 at 5:58 pmMs. Dori wrote… Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely, it’s just a case of not willing to settle for another N.
Hi Ms. Dori,
Thank you for sharing your story AND you’re wisdom. We’re absolutely NEVER too old to learn and to have the happy life that we deserve. Your words above are all that needs to be said.
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
MsDori
January 28, 2016 at 11:45 amNever too old to learn. I was amazed at how close my last relationship ‘fit’ the Narcissist’s profile…as well as the previous two major relationships I have had over the years. Although, I had read a book titled “When Your Lover is a Liar” after the breakup of a 15 year relationship in 1998…I thought I had learned what to look for…guess not.
From your articles, I find that different ‘types’ of N’s can easily slide under the radar. All three of my past long term relationships were totally different ‘types’. I was married in the 70’s (before cellphones & computers 🙂 for 10 years to an N type who was outwardly a verbal abuser, non-romantic, workaholic jerk who denied anything and everything even when he was caught in the act. 1982-1998, I was living with a humble, but arrogant, pathological liar who was great at silent treatments, blame shifting; and, the behavior of always ‘going to leave’.
Last, but not least, the money professional covert ‘N’ who was constantly in demand, a specialist across the country, a humble, anonymous philanthropist, a high integrity businessman, patriarch of his family from whom everyone turned for advice and wisdom, known to be a kind, generous man. Only to findout, after 8 years, he had a secret life with another woman living in another part of the State (since before he met me). Someone he never mentioned, although we had discussed his previous 3 marriages and touched on other relationships…her name never came up. Only found out when I discovered photos posted on her facebook page of him and her together at his son’s recent wedding, her daughter’s wedding and the two of them with her two children as teenagers. The disappearing acts, the continued conversations on subjects we never started, the compartmentalizing of his life, family, business, me…it all came together and I ended it in 2014…he was back a year later, wanting to move forward as a ‘real couple’, promising that he wanted me by his side. When I required him to be totally honest with me about his relationship with the other woman, he continued to claim that he had known her for a very long time, their kids grew up together and ‘she’ assumed his generosity was more than it really was. When I required that he be ‘totally honest’ with the other woman about our relationship and his intentions moving forward…he balked. He claimed she would gradually find out about it through others. At one point, in his anxiety of having to discuss this, he blurted out that his relationship with her ‘was none of my business’. As he composed himself, he said he was sorry for hurting me…but, has never, acknowledged just what he was sorry for. A few days later, he texted that ‘due to my requirements’, he thought we should go our separate ways, he was feeling depressed and anxious due to health issues and wished me peace and love, etc. etc. etc (this is a repeat behavior).
After giving it much thought, if only I had known about this other woman in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved and I really thought she should have the same opportunity of making a choice…I sent her a message on facebook, telling my story, knowing we have been in a relationship with the same man for many years. In a few days, she graciously acknowledged my message after recouping from the shock and hurt, thanking me for writing. We both wished each other well in the pathes we choose to take.
Awareness is something we need to pass on to those we know are involved, if we have a name or source of contact. It should be kind and understanding, yet informative and not accusing…because we have all been there…and ‘wished’ that someone had ‘told us’ about this person before we wasted so many years of ‘believing’ in them. “Fool me once, shame on You, Fool me twice, shame on me, Fool me the 3rd time…I was ‘Narcissisized’!…speakup.
Same Boat
January 4, 2016 at 8:14 pmHi Zari. Stopping by here to let you know I just finished reading “When Love is a Lie” . I had already read “Stop Spinning” and “Narcissist Free”. After reading the other two and telling my N “Buh-bye” (much like you had)… I was quite sure I had enough ammunition to get on and get over it. I’ve been NC for a month (after many many sorry attempts on his part to win me back), until Jan 1st, when he decided to send me new year’s wishes. You know what’s funny? It was an email (which he had only sent one of before) and it went straight to my JUNK mail! HAHA! Even my computer knows what a piece of trash he is!!! 😀 Anyway, I contemplated for 2 days as to whether or not just to send a simple “same to you” reply. My mind started taking over; again. I knew I had to do something. I opened your E-book that I had previously purchased and finished it in two nights! During which I put my head in hands and said out loud “UGGGHHHH” or “OHHH MANNN” or “NO SHIT!!” dozens of times, as well as a few tears (for the pain in which you, me and everyone who’s ever had even a small dose of their abuse endured)… and even a few big L.O.L’s!!! I need to tell you that in just ONE paragraph of my N’s last fake messages he used so many of the same words and phrases you mentioned that I couldn’t help but feel a bit freaked out. Here’s some of it “you and I could be ‘unstoppable’! Let’s hit the ‘reset button’, make ‘fresh new start’, think of how ‘exciting’ it will be.” One of his fav lines was “there’s nothing like make-up sex”. That’s what he wanted, after conquering that what was the point.. nothing compared. After I left my N said things like “you just needed to figure me out. I exhausted you. No wonder why you said you feel ‘free’ now. I don’t blame you. I’m a weirdo”…. as if saying he knew he was wrong and knew it would make me feel ‘bad’ and ‘forgive him’ and all would be well again. Want to hear something else? During our last few texts I said “maybe there’s a lesson to be learned here”, his response: “OH I’ve learned a HUGE lesson! If someone loves you that much you need to give them a chance!” Umm, nope that’s not it. Anyway, just wanted to let you know reading your stories made me stop myself from breaking NC. Though I know for a fact I would not go back to him (I’ve resolved things with a ‘non-narc ex, who’s been so understanding through this past year), I’d rather not start communicating, as it only leads to games, hurt, and thinking about things I’d prefer to forget. I cried just once since I left, even surprised myself by doing so… but I told myself “fine, go ahead, one last time… and get it out of your system forever!” Today I feel that is truly the case. OMG!! Zari, would you believe that AS I’M TYPING THIS HE MESSAGED ME? Literally just now. I heard the all too familiar ‘ding’ but assumed it was my sister. He’s checking to see that I got his email. I had a feeling that would happen. Geez…. oh man…. nope, no need to respond. (why do I feel like I should at least be courteous? he wasn’t courteous to me)! I’ll ignore it, do my nails, take an ambien tonight and hope that’s the last of it….. UGH!!
Zari Ballard
January 4, 2016 at 9:42 pmHi Same Boat,
Don’t do it, girl! It appears that Christmas came and went for many people who write here but the narcissists were ON IT for New Years. Even I got a greeting! Yup, that’s right…Wayne The Co-star of When Love Is a Lie sent me a FACEBOOK message AND a FRIEND REQUEST. I had blocked the email of the FB page that he had when we were together but he apparently has another and, yes, he sent me a friend request (SURE, I’LL GET RIGHT ON THAT) along with a message that says “Happy New Year to you and…” I assume the next word was “Sky”, my son, but I couldn’t read the rest of it unless I clicked on it which of course I didn’t. Is that insanity or what? It’s not like he doesn’t know about the book!! And you and I aren’t alone….soooo many narcs got a new year message through…it must have been the “thing” this year.
Good God….ignore, ignore, ignore, delete, delete, block, block, block,,,,,
Zari xo
Elena
December 22, 2015 at 4:26 pmI wonder if all the DSM bullshit and clusterfuck B descriptions of a narcissist and every manipulative move you detail in your blog can all be boiled down to the pathetic need for attention. Why else is there such a need to get away with things except for attention?
I spend too much time thinking about these assholes Zari. One day, I truly hope to meet a non-asshole. For now, a great dog, your site, and a glass of wine will have to do!
Zari Ballard
December 23, 2015 at 3:59 pmElena wrote…One day, I truly hope to meet a non-asshole. For now, a great dog, your site, and a glass of wine will have to do! As time passes, I’m starting to think that’s all we need! LOL
You know, if it was all about attention, then you think the asshole would be happy with the love we pour all over him but nooooooooooooooooo. It’s definitely not about attention we give when we’re feeling good because when we’re feeling good, HE’S not in control. But then, when we’re upset and giving him attention, he’s tells us we’re pathetic. Keep in mind that it’s a pathological relationship agenda that he lives by where our suffering is his reward for a job well done.
So, my conclusion? I think it all boils down to his pathetic need for control over everything and his false sense of entitlement to do what he wants, when he wants, with whoever he wants, and at anyone’s expense. Yup, I think that’s it. What say you?
Zari xo
Sharon Duggan
December 7, 2015 at 6:41 pmSo true. The realisation that this is happening makes it easier to move on and helps prepare ways of communicating in the future (if you’re unlucky enough to have to talk because of children).
Love this site!!!
Zari Ballard
December 7, 2015 at 6:47 pmThanks, Sharon…I’m glad your here!
Zari xo
m
December 5, 2015 at 3:18 pmZari-
wow!!!! to a tee this article is!!!!
the more I read the more relieved I feel
abt NARCS….
its constantly about them 24 7…
yes its getting away w/what they can..
THATS why they go FRM supply to supply…
Kp posting, sharing the truth to help us all go forward…
I loved the part ABT just f**** someone
regardless perfect!!!!
No Moral compass..
🙂