The Narcissist’s Motivation to Deceive- Part 2/2

LiarIn Part I of this article, I explained how the narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life and that is to see what he can get away with. He truly knows nothing else. Everything he does/says throughout the course of the day – and throughout the duration of the relationship – is based upon his ability to deceive. He must continually try to hone his skills. Since he will lie about even the smallest of things, we are forever scratching our head, trying to deal with our overwhelming suspicions. After awhile, we become almost immune to the lying and instead of throwing tantrums, we choose instead to ignore much of it as a way to keep the peace. Make no mistake, my friends, our passivity to the N’s unscrupulous behaviors and indiscretions has been the desired end result all along. You mean everything he does… all those bad behaviors that hurt me…are done on purpose? On purpose??!! What are you saying?

zari-ballard-consultSo, when the narcissist open his eyes in the morning, is he thinking of ways to betray us? No, I don’t think so but here’s the deal: every day, all day, things happen to us or we find ourselves in situations where we could easily decide to do the wrong thing – but we don’t do it. Our moral compass not only keeps us from doing bad things, it keeps us from even noticing all of the opportunities to do bad that are out there. Because we’re not looking to get away with something all the time, we keep on walking. Just because a guy at work is cute doesn’t mean we’ll automatically fuck him, right? If we’re in a relationship, we simply don’t feel entitled to do that. The narcissist, however, feels entitled to do that and more. He feels entitled to do anything and everything that he wants on the fly… and when a person feels that entitled to do something, there is no guilt.

This false sense of entitlement that the narcissist enjoys is his catalyst for getting away with things. He lives in a world without rules – and in a world without rules, a person can get away with anything and everything at anybody’s expense. This is the narcissist’s life and it can’t be fixed or changed or even improved. Our love with this person will always be a lie.

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Even though it describes nothing that we like to hear, my theory on the narcissist’s secret to success explains so many things. It explains why he lies about the smallest of things…things that are so insignificant that to lie about them is completely unnecessary. Yet, that’s what a narcissist will do – lie about it, again and again.

Accepting my theory as a simple truth means that we can stop banging our heads against rock walls. We can stop losing sleep over why he did this or said that. We can choose to fight against it, call him out on it, or turn a blind eye to it but at least we’ll have the mental clarity to make the best choice. Without providing me details (of course), my ex used to tell me that I made him out to be far more complicated than he really was and I dare say he was actually telling me the truth. To us normal folk, pathological lying is a very complicated thing and we treat it accordingly. To the narcissist, it’s just business as usual and there’s nothing complicated about it.

If we understand that, to a narcissist, life is about nothing more than what he can get away, suddenly we understand…:

  • …how he can do the same things repeatedly even though he knows that these behaviors are non-conducive to the relationship.
  • …how he can return after a silent treatment as if he’d never been gone, expecting no repercussions whatsoever for his disappearance
  • …how he can compartmentalize, juggling several relationships at once without showing any signs of stress or emotional wear and tear
  • …how a married narcissist can juggle his mistresses so easily or appear to leave his wife and children without blinking an eye
  • …why he lies even when the truth is a better story…even when the truth will dissuade your suspicions and keep the peace

My theory explains away everything about the relationship agenda that we’ve ever agonized over. Things start to make sense. Now, we suddenly realize why he can just up and leave and seemingly move on to someone else as if our history together meant nothing. The truth is that, every time the narcissist abandons us, it means that he wasn’t able to get away with something. Do you understand this?

So, stop banging you head around trying to figure out why it didn’t work. Stop crying your eyes out imagining that he’s treating someone else better than you. No matter where he goes or who he’s with, he’s going to be up to his usual tricks. Almost from day one, he’ll be deceiving at the same time that he’s idolizing. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

As I stated in Part 1, the narcissist is as simple as he is complicated. Because we love this person, we imagine that he’s actually a human being with a conscience. We make him out to be much bigger and much better than he really is or ever will be. The simple truth is that he’s just a narcissist who knows right from wrong but could care less about it and whose passion in life is seeing what he can get away with every day, all day. That’s all it’s about.

Move on and live in peace, my friends. Above all else, you deserve to be happy.

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  • Riddhima

    April 1, 2017 at 3:18 am Reply

    Shocking and very clearl narcisstic behaviour to extreme

  • Vickie

    February 15, 2017 at 4:26 pm Reply

    Hoping Zari will read this and respond,………………..even tho husband is cyber stalking and seeing this, maybe intercepting and preventing me from posting , I don’t know….

    So after husband given me std after 30 years married…….we have 3 grown children living in different states, but being a Mom was the best most important thing I ever did, not even working outside the home for 16 years , but concentrating on raising them the best I could, as I wasn’t that lucky and had a terrible abusive childhood, leading me to 12 years of intensive therapy and overcoming major depressive disorder… I had a good relationship with my 3 grown children, the oldest a boy, younger 2 girls, with my youngest daughter being mother of my granddaughter that I’m raising….
    While my husband and I are suddenly having these problems regarding him giving me std……our middle daughter and family come for visit from Canada, so I warn her that her dad gave me std and may be getting divorced, but she wanted to visit so we could see her twin boys, 21 months old. Requesting we just keep our drama to ourselfs and not involve her , especially as she had always been a daddys girl.
    But actually after learning about Narcissists, I found out that how he had always treated older daughter with favor over younger one, of which I had pointed out to my husband as very harmful , and when youngest daughter was on!y 8 told him if he didn’t stop I feared she would end up pregnant ……and sure enough she was at age 15, and now I’m raising her daughter! This always troubled me,…..and now I learn that Narcs make one child the golden child, and the other the ” scapegoat”… that explains what I couldn’t make sense out of!
    2 of my 3 grown children were here visiting just as I’m discovering that I may not even know who the man I’ve been married to for more than half of my life, even is! I am a codependent, and empath, so I feel feelings very deeply and try as I may to hold them in and hide them, sometimes I don’t succeed as well as I would like…..
    Then add that I’m uncovering things about my husband that no one who knows him would ever believe, as I know I didn’t and didn’t want to!! He is fighting every way he can to prevent me from telling anyone, which to me are only the actions of a guilty man , as an innocent person simply proves their innocence! He was preventing my emails from sending out the proof I was finding off of his own phone! In 30 years I had never looked in his phone, now I was as he had called me the week before and left me a message, but yet it wasn’t his number! I called this number that was only 4 different digits different from our 2 cell phones, ( out of 10 digits) and a woman answered so I hung up! He denied calling me from any other numnber, yet it was right there on my call log. I asked him if he had other numbers, as I know there are apps that can give you other numbers , but he swears he doesnt ! So when I looked in his phone contact list, I see under his name, several other numbers even tho he said he only had 1. He lied! I found more and more proof of things He lied about, so I take pictures of what I find, because Im sure he will delete it..
    Not knowing about narcissists yet…..I keep confronting him with all I find, not knowing how dangerous that is to do, as Im such an open and honest, and direct type person. Just 3 days prior, he’s telling me that I’m doing an awesome job, taking care of our big house, pool, and our granddaughter! Suddenly while my kids are here, ( and they don’t know how he’s pushing my buttons and keeping me emotionally upset) he starts telling my kids that he thinks I’m getting depressed again like 15 years earlier, and maybe I’m not capable of caring for our granddaughter, I’m UNSTABLE! WHILE THE WHOLE TIME HE REMAINS completely calm , unemotional, and now I’m looking crazy, so this way no one will ever believe what I’m saying I m finding out he is DOING!

    ONE day tired of all he’s controlling on line, ( also after ft. Worth backpage escorts are showing up in his stuff, showing me he is even going to escorts while home visiting me! Really?…..) Some nerve!
    I go and do something that makes me look crazy, I cut his internet cords……he attacks me, throwing me to the floor! Although my daughter witnesses this, she gathers her family and leaves as her dad also leaves! Never tells me goodbye, and returned to Canada. Puts on Facebook that her Mom is imagining things, and needs help….my heart is broken, as somehow he has turned all 3 of my kids away from me, they didnt call on my birthday or for Thanksgiving and aren’t speaking to me for first time ever! He swears he did not do a thing! That they each had their own problems with me prior to this, but that is not true as they were all just fine with me before my husband started smear campaign against me…..also he claims he did not throw me to floor, but that I “CRUMPLED”…… OH my gosh, he clearly slammed me hard and I don’t crumple for anybody. !!! Left scratch marks on my chest too……but he’s so calm and quiet, no one ever sees this side of him, no one would ever believe he could be violent, and he always plays the VICTIM.!!!! doesn’t even care if he looks like a wimp, as I made a call to our pastor while my kids were still here……hubby claimed she told him to call the cops for me cutting cords, I thought that was a bit harsh but when I called her , turns out NONE OF WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE. She said she told him to when he claimed to her that I HAD ASSAULTED HIM! our whole marriage I have never put my hands on him like that, or for any harm! I just couldn’t even believe that he would or could fabricate such a horrible LIE ! And Lie to the Pastor of our church!.! Wow!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 17, 2017 at 11:11 pm Reply

      I don’t want to use your real first name so you are now Vickie! Yes, this guy is a piece of work. I do want you to know that I speak with people all over the world and those who have been married or involved for 30, even 40 years do find their way out of it. I know that your situation is tricky with you being a caregiver but I wish you could leave him and live a peaceful life. The investigating will make you insane and he will never admit to anything. You need to remain calm because any emotional outburst will be used against you. He doesn’t have a connection to God and never did and this is why he can lie to the pastor. I guarantee his extracurricular activities have been going ton a very long time. As you said, it must feel as if you had to get an STD in order for you to believe it was even happening! I agree with you on that! The covert narcissists are the worst of the worst.

      Think about a way out if possible. And I would stop discussing it with the kids PRONTO because, in these cases, it is the parent who doesn’t talk about what’s happening that gets the sympathy. Let him talk himself into a parental grave with his smear campaign. He will never ever change and eventually, the children will see the truth.

      I know this is all a shock but what he is doing has been going on a long time. There is a reason your eyes have been opened. The Universe felt it was time that you know so you can save the rest of your life. YOU have done nothing wrong and you deserve to be happy!

      Stay strong, sister….

      Zari xo

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