In Part I of this article, I explained how the narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life and that is to see what he can get away with. He truly knows nothing else. Everything he does/says throughout the course of the day – and throughout the duration of the relationship – is based upon his ability to deceive. He must continually try to hone his skills. Since he will lie about even the smallest of things, we are forever scratching our head, trying to deal with our overwhelming suspicions. After awhile, we become almost immune to the lying and instead of throwing tantrums, we choose instead to ignore much of it as a way to keep the peace. Make no mistake, my friends, our passivity to the N’s unscrupulous behaviors and indiscretions has been the desired end result all along. You mean everything he does… all those bad behaviors that hurt me…are done on purpose? On purpose??!! What are you saying?
So, when the narcissist open his eyes in the morning, is he thinking of ways to betray us? No, I don’t think so but here’s the deal: every day, all day, things happen to us or we find ourselves in situations where we could easily decide to do the wrong thing – but we don’t do it. Our moral compass not only keeps us from doing bad things, it keeps us from even noticing all of the opportunities to do bad that are out there. Because we’re not looking to get away with something all the time, we keep on walking. Just because a guy at work is cute doesn’t mean we’ll automatically fuck him, right? If we’re in a relationship, we simply don’t feel entitled to do that. The narcissist, however, feels entitled to do that and more. He feels entitled to do anything and everything that he wants on the fly… and when a person feels that entitled to do something, there is no guilt.
This false sense of entitlement that the narcissist enjoys is his catalyst for getting away with things. He lives in a world without rules – and in a world without rules, a person can get away with anything and everything at anybody’s expense. This is the narcissist’s life and it can’t be fixed or changed or even improved. Our love with this person will always be a lie.
Even though it describes nothing that we like to hear, my theory on the narcissist’s secret to success explains so many things. It explains why he lies about the smallest of things…things that are so insignificant that to lie about them is completely unnecessary. Yet, that’s what a narcissist will do – lie about it, again and again.
Accepting my theory as a simple truth means that we can stop banging our heads against rock walls. We can stop losing sleep over why he did this or said that. We can choose to fight against it, call him out on it, or turn a blind eye to it but at least we’ll have the mental clarity to make the best choice. Without providing me details (of course), my ex used to tell me that I made him out to be far more complicated than he really was and I dare say he was actually telling me the truth. To us normal folk, pathological lying is a very complicated thing and we treat it accordingly. To the narcissist, it’s just business as usual and there’s nothing complicated about it.
If we understand that, to a narcissist, life is about nothing more than what he can get away, suddenly we understand…:
- …a narcissist can hoover months – and even years – down the road despite the reasons for the break-up.
- …how he can do the same things repeatedly even though he knows that these behaviors are non-conducive to the relationship.
- …how he can return after a silent treatment as if he’d never been gone, expecting no repercussions whatsoever for his disappearance
- …how he can compartmentalize, juggling several relationships at once without showing any signs of stress or emotional wear and tear
- …how a married narcissist can juggle his mistresses so easily or appear to leave his wife and children without blinking an eye
- …why he lies even when the truth is a better story…even when the truth will dissuade your suspicions and keep the peace
My theory explains away everything about the relationship agenda that we’ve ever agonized over. Things start to make sense. Now, we suddenly realize why he can just up and leave and seemingly move on to someone else as if our history together meant nothing. The truth is that, every time the narcissist abandons us, it means that he wasn’t able to get away with something. Do you understand this?
So, stop banging you head around trying to figure out why it didn’t work. Stop crying your eyes out imagining that he’s treating someone else better than you. No matter where he goes or who he’s with, he’s going to be up to his usual tricks. Almost from day one, he’ll be deceiving at the same time that he’s idolizing. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
As I stated in Part 1, the narcissist is as simple as he is complicated. Because we love this person, we imagine that he’s actually a human being with a conscience. We make him out to be much bigger and much better than he really is or ever will be. The simple truth is that he’s just a narcissist who knows right from wrong but could care less about it and whose passion in life is seeing what he can get away with every day, all day. That’s all it’s about.
Move on and live in peace, my friends. Above all else, you deserve to be happy.