The Narcissist’s Motivation to Deceive- Part 2/2

LiarIn Part I of this article, I explained how the narcissist has but one true cause that rules his life and that is to see what he can get away with. He truly knows nothing else. Everything he does/says throughout the course of the day – and throughout the duration of the relationship – is based upon his ability to deceive. He must continually try to hone his skills. Since he will lie about even the smallest of things, we are forever scratching our head, trying to deal with our overwhelming suspicions. After awhile, we become almost immune to the lying and instead of throwing tantrums, we choose instead to ignore much of it as a way to keep the peace. Make no mistake, my friends, our passivity to the N’s unscrupulous behaviors and indiscretions has been the desired end result all along. You mean everything he does… all those bad behaviors that hurt me…are done on purpose? On purpose??!! What are you saying?

zari-ballard-consultSo, when the narcissist open his eyes in the morning, is he thinking of ways to betray us? No, I don’t think so but here’s the deal: every day, all day, things happen to us or we find ourselves in situations where we could easily decide to do the wrong thing – but we don’t do it. Our moral compass not only keeps us from doing bad things, it keeps us from even noticing all of the opportunities to do bad that are out there. Because we’re not looking to get away with something all the time, we keep on walking. Just because a guy at work is cute doesn’t mean we’ll automatically fuck him, right? If we’re in a relationship, we simply don’t feel entitled to do that. The narcissist, however, feels entitled to do that and more. He feels entitled to do anything and everything that he wants on the fly… and when a person feels that entitled to do something, there is no guilt.

This false sense of entitlement that the narcissist enjoys is his catalyst for getting away with things. He lives in a world without rules – and in a world without rules, a person can get away with anything and everything at anybody’s expense. This is the narcissist’s life and it can’t be fixed or changed or even improved. Our love with this person will always be a lie.

When-love-is-a-lie
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Even though it describes nothing that we like to hear, my theory on the narcissist’s secret to success explains so many things. It explains why he lies about the smallest of things…things that are so insignificant that to lie about them is completely unnecessary. Yet, that’s what a narcissist will do – lie about it, again and again.

Accepting my theory as a simple truth means that we can stop banging our heads against rock walls. We can stop losing sleep over why he did this or said that. We can choose to fight against it, call him out on it, or turn a blind eye to it but at least we’ll have the mental clarity to make the best choice. Without providing me details (of course), my ex used to tell me that I made him out to be far more complicated than he really was and I dare say he was actually telling me the truth. To us normal folk, pathological lying is a very complicated thing and we treat it accordingly. To the narcissist, it’s just business as usual and there’s nothing complicated about it.

If we understand that, to a narcissist, life is about nothing more than what he can get away, suddenly we understand…:

  • …how he can do the same things repeatedly even though he knows that these behaviors are non-conducive to the relationship.
  • …how he can return after a silent treatment as if he’d never been gone, expecting no repercussions whatsoever for his disappearance
  • …how he can compartmentalize, juggling several relationships at once without showing any signs of stress or emotional wear and tear
  • …how a married narcissist can juggle his mistresses so easily or appear to leave his wife and children without blinking an eye
  • …why he lies even when the truth is a better story…even when the truth will dissuade your suspicions and keep the peace

My theory explains away everything about the relationship agenda that we’ve ever agonized over. Things start to make sense. Now, we suddenly realize why he can just up and leave and seemingly move on to someone else as if our history together meant nothing. The truth is that, every time the narcissist abandons us, it means that he wasn’t able to get away with something. Do you understand this?

So, stop banging you head around trying to figure out why it didn’t work. Stop crying your eyes out imagining that he’s treating someone else better than you. No matter where he goes or who he’s with, he’s going to be up to his usual tricks. Almost from day one, he’ll be deceiving at the same time that he’s idolizing. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

As I stated in Part 1, the narcissist is as simple as he is complicated. Because we love this person, we imagine that he’s actually a human being with a conscience. We make him out to be much bigger and much better than he really is or ever will be. The simple truth is that he’s just a narcissist who knows right from wrong but could care less about it and whose passion in life is seeing what he can get away with every day, all day. That’s all it’s about.

Move on and live in peace, my friends. Above all else, you deserve to be happy.

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23 Comments

  • Riddhima

    April 1, 2017 at 3:18 am Reply

    Shocking and very clearl narcisstic behaviour to extreme

  • Vickie

    February 15, 2017 at 4:26 pm Reply

    (PART TWO…..CONTINUED)
    Hoping Zari will read this and respond,………………..even tho husband is cyber stalking and seeing this, maybe intercepting and preventing me from posting , I don’t know….

    So after husband given me std after 30 years married…….we have 3 grown children living in different states, but being a Mom was the best most important thing I ever did, not even working outside the home for 16 years , but concentrating on raising them the best I could, as I wasn’t that lucky and had a terrible abusive childhood, leading me to 12 years of intensive therapy and overcoming major depressive disorder…..so I had a good relationship with my 3 grown children, the oldest a boy, younger 2 girls, with my youngest daughter being mother of my granddaughter that I’m raising….
    While my husband and I are suddenly having these problems regarding him giving me std……our middle daughter and family come for visit from Canada, so I warn her that her dad gave me std and may be getting divorced, but she wanted to visit so we could see her twin boys, 21 months old. Requesting we just keep our drama to ourselfs and not involve her , especially as she had always been a daddys girl.
    But actually after learning about Narcissists, I found out that how he had always treated older daughter with favor over younger one, of which I had pointed out to my husband as very harmful , and when youngest daughter was on!y 8 told him if he didn’t stop I feared she would end up pregnant ……and sure enough she was at age 15, and now I’m raising her daughter! This always troubled me,…..and now I learn that Narcs make one child the golden child, and the other the ” scapegoat”…..wow that explains what I couldn’t make sense out of!
    2 of my 3 grown children were here visiting just as I’m discovering that I may not even know who the man I’ve been married to for more than half of my life, even is! I am a codependent, and empath, so I feel feelings very deeply and try as I may to hold them in and hide them, sometimes I don’t succeed as well as I would like…..
    Then add that I’m uncovering things about my husband that no one who knows him would ever believe, as I know I didn’t and didn’t want to!! He is fighting every way he can to prevent me from telling anyone, which to me are only the actions of a guilty man , as an innocent person simply proves their innocence! He was preventing my emails from sending out the proof I was finding off of his own phone! In 30 years I had never looked in his phone, now I was as he had called me the week before and left me a message, but yet it wasn’t his number! I called this number that was only 4 different digits different from our 2 cell phones, ( out of 10 digits) and a woman answered so I hung up! He denied calling me from any other numnber, yet it was right there on my call log. I asked him if he had other numbers, as I know there are apps that can give you other numbers , but he swears he doesnt ! So when I looked in his phone contact list, I see under his name, several other numbers even tho he said he only had 1. He lied! I found more and more proof of things He lied about, so I take pictures of what I find, because Im sure he will delete it..
    Not knowing about narcissists yet…..I keep confronting him with all I find, not knowing how dangerous that is to do, as Im such an open and honest, and direct type person. Just 3 days prior, he’s telling me that I’m doing an awesome job, taking care of our big house, pool, and our granddaughter! Suddenly while my kids are here, ( and they don’t know how he’s pushing my buttons and keeping me emotionally upset) he starts telling my kids that he thinks I’m getting depressed again like 15 years earlier, and maybe I’m not capable of caring for our granddaughter, I’m UNSTABLE! WHILE THE WHOLE TIME HE REMAINS completely calm , unemotional, and now I’m looking crazy, so this way no one will ever believe what I’m saying I m finding out he is DOING!

    ONE day tired of all he’s controlling on line, ( also after ft. Worth backpage escorts are showing up in his stuff, showing me he is even going to escorts while home visiting me! Really?…..) Some nerve!
    I go and do something that makes me look crazy, I cut his internet cords……he attacks me, throwing me to the floor! Although my daughter witnesses this, she gathers her family and leaves as her dad also leaves! Never tells me goodbye, and returned to Canada. Puts on Facebook that her Mom is imagining things, and needs help….my heart is broken, as somehow he has turned all 3 of my kids away from me, they didnt call on my birthday or for Thanksgiving and aren’t speaking to me for first time ever! He swears he did not do a thing! That they each had their own problems with me prior to this, but that is not true as they were all just fine with me before my husband started smear campaign against me…..also he claims he did not throw me to floor, but that I “CRUMPLED”…… OH my gosh, he clearly slammed me hard and I don’t crumple for anybody. !!! Left scratch marks on my chest too……but he’s so calm and quiet, no one ever sees this side of him, no one would ever believe he could be violent, and he always plays the VICTIM.!!!! doesn’t even care if he looks like a wimp, as I made a call to our pastor while my kids were still here……hubby claimed she told him to call the cops for me cutting cords, I thought that was a bit harsh but when I called her , turns out NONE OF WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE. She said she told him to when he claimed to her that I HAD ASSAULTED HIM! our whole marriage I have never put my hands on him like that, or for any harm! I just couldn’t even believe that he would or could fabricate such a horrible LIE ! And Lie to the Pastor of our church!.! Wow!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 17, 2017 at 11:11 pm Reply

      I don’t want to use your real first name so you are now Vickie! Yes, this guy is a piece of work. I do want you to know that I speak with people all over the world and those who have been married or involved for 30, even 40 years do find their way out of it. I know that your situation is tricky with you being a caregiver but I wish you could leave him and live a peaceful life. The investigating will make you insane and he will never admit to anything. You need to remain calm because any emotional outburst will be used against you. He doesn’t have a connection to God and never did and this is why he can lie to the pastor. I guarantee his extracurricular activities have been going ton a very long time. As you said, it must feel as if you had to get an STD in order for you to believe it was even happening! I agree with you on that! The covert narcissists are the worst of the worst.

      Think about a way out if possible. And I would stop discussing it with the kids PRONTO because, in these cases, it is the parent who doesn’t talk about what’s happening that gets the sympathy. Let him talk himself into a parental grave with his smear campaign. He will never ever change and eventually, the children will see the truth.

      I know this is all a shock but what he is doing has been going on a long time. There is a reason your eyes have been opened. The Universe felt it was time that you know so you can save the rest of your life. YOU have done nothing wrong and you deserve to be happy!

      Stay strong, sister….

      Zari xo

  • Vickie

    February 15, 2017 at 2:08 pm Reply

    (PART ONE) I’m having a real hard time, as after 30 years of marriage, my husband gave me an std, and never would I have thought he cheated, so I think this was the only way God thought I would believe it! He is a very COVERT narcissist or psychopath! He also is majorly CYBER STALKING ME! Probably reading this, which may not even post! Every time I try to post, or join support group, or send emails mentioning anything he has done to me, he intercepts it, as I have found files on his computer going back almost 10 years of all my emails, texts, anything! He has audio and video watching everything I do, but denies it of course! He is a software engineer programmer, and I am not that smart when it comes to computers, but he is able to listen through all my devices, iPad, blackberry phone, kindle, etc…
    Over 30 years I really thought he was the kindest man I knew, as he did not insult me or put me down like is typical of narcs….I would never have tolerated such treatment. There were some odd behaviors, some red flags, like small lies over things I didn’t think mattered, which let me know he would definitely lie over anything big! He seemed overly concerned with his “image” and how other people saw him, = false image… He never had any friends, but became overly involved in church, seeking respect and admiration,…. That he had lost from his own family after being a heavy drinker/ drunk, for 25 of our 30 years together, and his own kids calling him a hypocrite! I being a Christian my whole life, would not have married him being a non- believer, so he accepted the Lord, after I taught him about God……only he became very fanatical in last 10 years, putting his church friends before his own family, always taking their side against us in certain situations….. I always felt he wasn’t genuine in his faith, in my gut, but knew I could never say that about my own husband!
    He is 59 , I am 57, and 3 years ago when he was laid off work, claimed unable to find job in our state, so he took job several states away.. We are raising ( or I am) our granddaughter since birth who has cerebral palsy and unable to walk, she is now 8……so he went ahead and moved, I was to get granddaughter through kindergarten, sell house, and a year later move to him….. I felt secure in our marriage, after almost 30 years so never dreamed it would be a problem…..he came for visits every few months for 2 to 3 weeks…then last March, after he left I found he gave me std! I knew right then he had cheated because I knew I never had!
    So when I confronted him I never expected him to deny it, swear he never touched anyone, yet never thought I had??? Very strange!!!
    So I started my detective work , not expecting to find much, but the more I looked the more I found! I showed him phone bill, with 300+ numbers he had called or texted, but he said he didnt do that! I asked if anyone had used his iPhone, he said no but he didnt do that and would have to call phone company ! Ha! I said the phone bill doesnt lie! In his Washington Post app, which I don’t have, I found under “for you” all this back page stuff, Escort Ads! For Orlando, where he had just spent 4 days at a work conference,…. And West Palm Beach , where he livres…… But he says that isn’t his, he didn’t put that there!!! Then I matched 2 different escorts phone numbers to numbers on phone bill he had called, still he swears he did not! I couldn’t believe he, or anyone could lie at FACTS!
    The more I pleaded for the truth, telling him I could forgive him anything if he would just be honest, the meaner he became, and why couldn’t I just let it go? Where previously he had always seemed to show compassion for my pain, or empathy, now there was NOTHING, but contempt, and anger, and what I felt was pure EVIL! Even yelling at me, he actually swore saying, “God damn it!”. He and I don’t curse, but never have I taken the Lords name in vain, nor had he…..I was stunned….I said, ” ooh, The devils got ahold of you!”.
    Suddenly the love of my life, the kindest man I had ever known who I had believed truly loved me for me, was someone I didn’t recognize at all! Now of course no one is perfect, he had had some odd behaviors that I couldn’t explain over the years….passive / aggressive , what I would call Jekyll/ Hyde….even had been physically abusive on 5 different occasions in 30 years, ( 4 of those times there had been eye witnesses) once at 10 years married we even seperated for 6 months, but with 3 children to raise we reconciled.
    (TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO)

    • Zari Ballard

      February 17, 2017 at 10:58 pm Reply

      I will reply under Part 2 and I’m going to change your name to Vickie.

  • Darren Carter

    September 6, 2016 at 2:54 am Reply

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69snEHFET4o

    THIS REALLY HELPS, I AM DEALING WITH A NARC, AND THE INFORMATION ON SILENT TREATMENT (THE CURVE BALL) BROUGHT ME HERE. SHE WOULD NEVER ALLOW TO GET CLOSE BECAUSE SHE IS A NARC, SOCIOPATH, PSYCHOPATH, VERY ATTRACTIVE AND CHARMING AND VERY TOXIC

  • Sam

    July 31, 2016 at 7:52 pm Reply

    My ex husband never greeted me on my birthday. He did however have bells and whistles on the birthdays of his mistresses and other women he was just friends with.

    He would greet his mom on the wrong day, same things with his family members for some reason. I think he did it on purpose because he had no trouble remembering when it came to his women or the men he was doing business with.

    After leaving him for good, he suddenly greeted me for my birthday thinking it would get him back in my good graces or maybe at least catch my attention after NO CONTACT. You know what the funny thing is?
    It wasnt even my birthday until a whole damn month later. What was worse was that he totally had no clue that he was wrong.

    What normal guy would try to make amends with someone who is mad at you by remembering special dates on the wrong day?

    Its common sense that to appease someone mad at you, you would go out of your way to research and MAKE SURE that he would be doing things on the right day that he would be getting stuff she would SURELY want.

    I realized he really did not care at all to even check or ask around or even remember properly. He just wanted immediate gratification much like a small child who has to just say whatever just to have something to say so as not to get caught in the act so to speak.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 14, 2016 at 10:42 pm Reply

      Sam wrote…I realized he really did not care at all to even check or ask around or even remember properly. He just wanted immediate gratification much like a small child who has to just say whatever just to have something to say so as not to get caught in the act so to speak.

      Hi Sam,

      You answered your own question as to the “Why would…” or “What type of…”. These people are in no way normal and therefore will never have a logical response to any predicament including how to won someone back properly. Bastards…every one of them…and your example shows how ridiculous they really are.

      Thanks for sharing!

      Zari:)

      • Sam

        September 4, 2016 at 4:21 pm Reply

        Hi Zari

        Thank you for your replies! They do help a lot and the work you are doing here is very much appreciated. The comfort you provide with simple replies means so much.

        The divorce papers are not even final yet and here he goes all over town with the new girlfriend. Ive gotten so good at spotting potential women and true enough Ive always been right every single time.

        There is no one type but his mistresses all look the same or rather share the same features would you believe or not. But its usually the women who have issues of their own such as getting through a painful breakup, or women who need someone at a difficult time in their lives. Or women you take so much selfies and asking to be liked so many times on their FB page just to be called beautiful. My ex husband provides all those validations.

        He would always tell me that there are many things not to like about them. The ones he bashed are the ones he gets into relationships with.

        His current mistress is 20 years younger than him and he has inserted himself in her life very well so much so that he has left behind all our other friends. It was like he has reinvented himself TOTALLY. He even dresses different from 15 years-20 years before. From all american A&Fitch, he now looks like One Direction down to buttoned up nerd shirts and colorful socks despite being 50 years old LOL. I really do not recognize him literally and quite funny missed him a couple of times in a crowd. It boggles the mind to have lived with a person for so long and suddenly not recognizing them at one glance.

        The problem with NC is that we are co parenting and divorce court keeps forcing us back together on certain days for that particular reason. He physically abused me and many other abuses ranging from financial to sexual to emotional. He calls me crazy all the time even outside to people who know us in town.

        I am painted as the crazy delusional ex-wife. The thing is I only want closure, thats it. But I do not see not even an ounce of remorse. I know he is a NARC but it hurts just the same.

        I cannot do NC because the world just wont let me. I have to deal with the jerk all the time and what’s worse is that I cannot even discipline our child without him calling me out to social services for maltreatment. Honest to goodness I do not hit our children and I do not call them names, but all moms do yell at children especially with teenagers that drive you crazy LOL.

        It really is VERY puzzling as he seems to really look like it and think that him battering me doesnt seem to have happened in his mind. Rather he seems to have projected that fear unto me that I would do the same to our children. Or maybe he thinks, I was the one battering all these years.

        I pity the new girlfriend and counting the days when she will finally realize it. I once told her since we met at the supermarket quite by accident living in the same town and all that she should really rethink being with him. Very calmly and with a flat poker face (she was super nice btw) she lied through her teeth despite all the friends that knew them being together. Besides I saw them too several times and when I mentioned it very casually and in a friendly civil tone, she just had to lie just like that with no ounce of hesitation at all. It is a small town after all. I think these 2 are made for each other as she lies without even blinking an eye despite being caught in the act.

        I remember long ago when my ex husband also compelled me to lie on his behalf for work mostly with his boss. I knew it was wrong but I was also protecting him in a weird way from getting into trouble thinking I could change him. I covered up for him in so many things and just like that made up so many white lies just to keep him from getting fired thinking I was doing it for my family then. And I remember how easily those lies came to me because there was a higher purpose to them. I am ashamed of those as I am a very honest person to a fault but for some reason, I lost my conscience when it came to lying on his behalf/our behalf during the time we were together.

        Sometimes I think I just wasted my time trying to stop other women from suffering as much as I did as well as protecting them from the mess we are in with the divorce and all. She does love to be pose on FB and would take polls how many people would call her beautiful. She also models by herself despite being very short at 5 ft.

        So I wonder if finally my ex husband has met another NARC to have a happy ending with. I wish for that final signature on those papers so I wont have to put up with seeing him or her.

        I wonder if when 2 NARCS end up together, will that marriage last? If that happens, definitely I will INDEED look like the crazy ex wife who made up everything. That is what he keeps telling everyone that we had to divorce because he could not put up with me.

        The funniest thing was that I saw her at the bookshop reading up on a Narcissist book for some reason. She probably thinks I am the narcissist SHEESH…

      • Sam

        September 4, 2016 at 4:39 pm Reply

        Whats worse Zari is that one of my children seems to be going down the same path.

        He tries to get what he wants from his dad, despite me having said no prior. When it causes a fight between us as I am deathly afraid of bringing up a NARC. I hope you understand Zari, I never want to be the mother of an N.

        Much like my mother in law who is a good person, but for some reason cannot do anything about her N son. I dont think she even knows how she made one. I am in the same boat.

        When I talk to my son about it, he seems to be so FLAT about it. It is like he doesnt FEEL how much adversity he has directly caused.

        I think Narcissism may be genetic or the may run in families sex sensitive. Most if not all the men in my ex husbands family are dysfunctional in a way or 2. There was a cousin who took a sex video of himself and his wife and sent it to an uncle for comments on FB. Then he sent it to his brother, the guy who left because of a placecard (see below).

        Then another cousin who when spoken to, would never look you in the eye but seemed to be able to work normally at a job.

        And several others who were prone to outbursts. We once had thanksgiving and just because the place card was named to another relative, he took great offense and even before starting the meal, he left in a great huff complaining about not being made important enough because the place card was in another cousins name.

        It was a simple matter, to grab the place card from right across if that really bothered him or to just change seats with a family member.

        There was another who would ask anyone even strangers in random what color their underwear was. My ex husband did that too to someone at work and thats how he got in trouble with his boss. I was shocked because he NEVER did that to me in the past or to anyone. Even that employee was shocked.

        But all the women in his family were very normal. Fun loving, upstanding, dedicated and just normal.

        Could they be not only NARCs but BIPOLAR as well? It must be something thats causing these weirdness in general.

        • Zari Ballard

          September 23, 2016 at 6:58 pm Reply

          Hi Sam,

          Wow…that is the craziest description of a family of narcs I have heard yet. I don’t believe that they can be “bi-polar” because bi-polar is a fairly emotional disorder and they just don’t have the emotion to be that way. I believe that narcissism develops not so much through child abuse but through neglect at a very young age in some way or another. Usually there is one parent that is narcissistic (usually the mother) but to me, even then, it is passed down simply by the behavior of that narcissistic parent to the child and not so much through genetics. Then that child grows up and does it to his or her child, etc. You have to know that in that crazy family, something HAD to be going on at some point for all those boys to turn out so messed up! LOL I just don’t know! Either way, the bottom line is that these creatures are now adults who know right from wrong but simply don’t give a shit. This being true, all we can do is run in the other direction for as long and as far as we can go.

          As for your child, be careful about slapping a label on it too soon. All you can do is be the best parent you can be and show a lot of love (no matter how much they may fight it, if they do). I have NEVER known a grown up narcissist who had a loving childhood. Don’t fight about it with your ex because he simply doesn’t care and don’t talk bad about your ex to your son. He WILL grow up knowing who was the better parent and hopefully will follow that lead. Kids will be kids and they are also very moldable so we have to be careful not to project our fears onto our children. Keep a watchful eye and do your best to redirect behaviors without drawing attention to them. Do you know what I mean? It’s really all we can do!

          Stay strong,

          Zari xo

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