When a narcissistic lover walks away from a relationship, the victim typically is left to feel that he or she didn’t get the closure needed to address the bitter ending. It took me many years of grieving on and off over this lack of closure to finally understand what it is and what it is I was really grieving over – because it wasn’t closure. When I stopped to think about the fact that, out of all the seemingly hundreds of times I was discarded by the narcissist, there wasn’t one single time that I ever felt closure? Not one? That just didn’t seem logical to me. How could that be? Not one time? I started to come to the conclusion that perhaps this elusive closure I’d been missing for over a decade didn’t exist after all. Perhaps wanting this closure thing was just my way of holding myself down, keeping myself chained to the memory…keeping myself available for the narcissist to return to when he was ready. It became clear that, either way, whether closure existed or it didn’t, it wasn’t a good thing!
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Okay, so in Part I of Anybody Seen My Closure?, we talked about two points – or truths – relative to closure when it comes to the ending of a relationship with a narcissistic partner: Truth #1 – it doesn’t exist and Truth #2 – when we say we want closure, what we really want is revenge. In Part I, I talk about Truth #1 in more detail so feel free to re-read or catch up with that article. In this article, I want to focus a little on Truth #2….the revenge factor.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see these narcissistic mofo’s suffer and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I truly believe that when the narcissistic discard first happens, we are so downtrodden…so distressed over our own cognitive dissonance….so brainwashed by narcissistic manipulation, that we are genuinely sadder than sad. Because the separation anxiety feels, at that point, like it will be so much worse than the anxiety of having the narcissist around, we really do want this person back. We wish and we wish that, if we can’t have this person, the least he or she could have done is leave us with some closure! At that very moment, the feeling of not having closure is the saddest thing in the whole world.
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But, two or three days later, when we find out that the narcissist is with the OW, what do we want then? Sure, we still call it closure but is that really what we want – especially considering the fact that most of us don’t even know what it is anyway? No, what we really want is revenge. Calling it closure makes the thought politically correct and makes us not feel like – God forbid – we’ve caught a bit of the narcissism bug ourselves. The truth is that calling it “closure” does make us good people and, indeed, separates us from the 2 million degenerate narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that walk the planet. The truth is that, when it comes right down to it….when all is said and done…most of us aren’t going to do anything to get revenge on the N. And that’s okay too. In fact, it’s the right thing….which leads me to Truth #3: there isn’t a single act of legal revenge that would make a damn bit of difference to the narcissist. And if we conducted an act of revenge that was illegal…well, it might make a difference to the narcissist but we’d be the one that gets in the most trouble.
My point is all of this jarble about closure and revenge is that closure doesn’t exist and what it really represents to us is the act of revenge and if we acted on that act, we’d be in deeper emotional shit than we’re already in. So give up on wanting closure and move on to whatever the next step would be in your narcissist recover plan.
It’s okay to feel sad over what’s happened because it is sadder than sad to realize that someone we loved and supported for however long never loved us to begin with. This person isn’t normal and will never be normal. Narcissists aren’t born normal. A narcissist is one of God’s defective products and that’s all there is to it. So, of all the things we should feel and pine for when a narcissist partner perpetrates a silent treatment or gives us the big heave hoe to the curb or trades us in for a new victim who better serves his pathological relationship agenda, a lack of closure isn’t one of them. It really isn’t. In realizing this, we can save ourselves from having to get over one of the biggest hurdles that keeps us attached to the whole big mess.
You deserve so much better!
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K4t
October 17, 2018 at 10:26 pmVery good articles, but you’re wrong about the legal revenge.
Making them sweat because they got caught on the wrong side of the law and turning the screws until they’re humiliated in front of their families and forced to back off…yes, that is effective. It just might not be feasible in every situation. I probably helps greatly that in my situation, I broke off contact first, giving me more leverage. Hoo boy, the N rage that followed….
Mind, I’m not saying it’ll make the N sorry or care…we’re beyond that. We just want to get a bit of our own back and make it so they can never hurt anyone again. Well, not without even worse consequences.
My N thought herself quite the grandiose political player. Manipulated people through a cultlike group and believed they’d never get caught. Then they pissed off the wrong people and got hacked. All their lies exposed, and blew up in their faces. Now they live in the shadows, being very quiet, hoping everyone will forget they exist…in fact what they tried to do to their victims with cyberstalking…
And while it is satisfying, it is still hard to let go of this hunt for closure. Because, thinking about it rationally, who the hell needs closure from a soulless, two faced, N who never cared about you in the first place?
😉
Zari Ballard
October 26, 2018 at 1:26 pmHi K4t,
Sure it works if it works but I have spoken with so many people and it doesn’t work for everyone. More power to you if it did. I have done my share of encouraging people to take narcs to court, this and that. It’s the luck of the draw and depends on how many steps you are ahead. But yeah…if it works and you are for certain you will get the win, then by all means take the legal action!
Zari:)
Oana
November 17, 2017 at 3:22 amHi, Zari!
After 3 years of on and off with my narcissist, I’m finally making some courage to move on…
I tried it before, many times, the longest I kept no contact was 6 months. Then I found excuseses to go back and I did in July. Since then we had just a few interactions that were so powerful and meaningful to me, because I thought that if he did things he hasn’t done before, he changed….even if he told me right in my face that he was seeing someone. But then the old patterns came back and he made me feel unworthy again. He put the blame on me, about being too nagging, about pulling him too hard, he told me that every time he tried to open up I didn’t listen, and a lot of other things..
The last time we met was a week ago and we spoke about things…I told him that I care for him and that emotionally he isn’t well and that he should talk to a psychologist or something. He told me he won’t take advice from someone who needs to do the same.
At a certain point I raised my voice a bit and he almost stood up to leave ( his excuse being that people were looking and I shouldn’t be causing a scene, knowing that we live in a slightly conservative Muslim country). I tried to make him talk about the person he’s seeing and he told me that he sees her because it’s convenient and because she’s very career oriented too, she doesn’t pull him too hard and there’s a lot of respect between them but not passion like ours (indirectly he made me feel bad because he owns a successful business and this woman is an engineer and I’m just a flight attendant).
He always denied me a proper relationship and I always craved for that with him…so when we had this meeting I told him that I can’t stay in this thing any longer if it will continue to be like that and that we could just be friends without benefits. He said he can’t stay friends with me because he loves me and it would be too hard for him (altough in the past, even when we started talking again 3 months ago, he asked me if I wanted to be friends). That night I was going out with my friends so i intentionally told him a certain hour when I had to go. Later he sent me a message asking if I was gonna see a guy, telling that it was okay if I told him yes. I answered no and that night I seriously gave the phone to my friends to hold, just not to be tempted to write any more stupid things. The next day I told him that I finally understand that we’ll never be able to make it work and that I finally got my closure. He basically told me not to write him anymore because he’s supposedly hurt too…and I said I’ll drastically decrease the frequency of my messages (the idea of revenge was running through my head, just to make him wait when I clearly have no intention to message him). I lied to him and I lied to myself with this closure…I still care and hope that he isn’t a narcisist (but he really is!!) …and I really don’t know how to move on. I keep reading articles and watching videos about narcisists hoping that I’ll finally understand that it’s not my fault … but I feel so powerless and weak…
It’s been only 4 days of no contact and this is not encouraging at all because I know that lasted even 6 months and I stilk went back…
Jen
September 6, 2017 at 6:06 amThis was really really amazingly helpful. I recently just got out of a 2.5 relationship that was so torturous. I was left begging and feeling crazy so many times. This latest incident was a quick explosion of needing me in his life, to lying, becoming the victim, cutting me out, and making me the villain. I’ve been half the person I was and the more I look for closure, the worse it gets. It’s beyond scary, feeling like after all the emotional abuse you’re going to get in trouble as well. I hope one day it’s easier to realize who he is and not doubt myself.
Appreciate your insight –
Siol
October 2, 2016 at 12:09 pmThank you so much for these two posts on closure. I think you have an amazing insight into what most of us are going through and this desperate need for ‘closure’ or as it really should be called, revenge. Once I finally started to see the light of who and what I was dealing with and started to accept that he was not ever the man I thought he was (and believe me, there are days when I still can NOT wrap my head around that), that is when the desire for revenge really kicked in. My question is, what if revenge is possible? What if there is an entirely legal way to exact a result that could really make them him suffer?
He was my doctor. I was a married patient of his. It has taken me literally years to wrap my head around what happened and come to accept that I was used, abused and manipulated by a textbook, alturistic narcissist and sexual predator. He moved on to another relationship 6 years ago, but has never left me alone in all that time – emails, texts, meeting for lunch, declaring his undying love for me all while being with the woman he left me for. I have researched this ad infinitum looking to give myself my own closure. It’s not happening.
I have the ability to report him to the College of Physicians and Surgeons. I have already had a meeting with them in 2012 when I was in the middle of a complete breakdown over this. Not only has he egregiously breached his ethics over having a relationship with a patient, he also breached his confidentiality oath as he divulged information about patients and other doctors. It has been made clear to me that the College will do everything in their power to deal with him in the harshest way that they can.
But, then what? What are the moral, ethical and spiritual implications for me down the road? I am not by nature, a vindictive person, but I have been protecting him for the past 9 years and I now feel that the only way I may be able to move on and put this behind me is to stand up for myself and attempt to put an end to my abuse and the potential abuse of other vulnerable women in his practice.
I would appreciate any comments that you may have that would assist me in making what is a major decision not just for him, but for me
Zari Ballard
October 4, 2016 at 2:01 amHi Siol,
Girl, I have so much to say to you…I don’t know if I can do it here but I will try. Please consider booking a consultation with me so we can talk this through. Before making a move like that, you must be clear in your mind about the intention…you must feel confident that you would be able to handle the fallout, if any, and the residual feelings that may or may not be what you were hoping. Believe me, we have all thought of doing just what you are thinking in various forms. Women call me every day who have a plan – a legal way, as you say – that could take this person down for all they have done. I “get it”, I really do. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t have the effect on the narcissist that we envision in our minds. We want them to feel bad, to admit what they’ve done, to understand the pain that they have caused…but THAT is never going to happen. During my 13-years, to “smoke” my ex out of his demoralizing silent treatments, I would take drastic measures, pushing the envelope on what I could do with what I knew of his life. It worked, that’s for sure, but for what reward?
My thinking here is that there is another way for you to move forward and put this monster behind you and that is to cut off the avenues of communication. Call your cell phone carrier and block him once and for all so that you never receive another text or voice mail or call from him. Block his email. No more lunches. No more anything. Everything they do…everything a narcissist says or does all day long is all about what they can get away with. And what we allow will continue.
Look, I don’t want to minimize any of this because your situation screams “abuse” by it’s very definition. He broke every rule in the book and the fact that HE DID WHAT HE DID, DIVULGING THE INFORMATION WITHOUT THINKING OF REPERCUSSION shows you how falsely entitled he feels to do anything he wants when he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. He is disgusting, I agree. But with this type of person – one who feels no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse for any pain he has ever caused – is any punishment ever going to be enough? What if, somehow, he rises above it? What if, somehow, he escapes any professional consequence? There are barracuda lawyers for every situation on the planet and I am certain he has the money to hire one. Consequently, anything can happen…you and everything about the relationship, right down to the most personal detail, may be called into question. There will be no one “on your side” because technically it isn’t about you but the reality is that, in a courtroom or judge’s chambers or before the medical board, his lawyer will make sure it’s ALL about you. This is what I fear. The truth is that, in the end, the narcissist’s revenge on our revenge will always be worse because he will always cross whatever line he needs to cross to be where he wants or needs to be…to save face.
Please consider booking a talk with me. I understand your pain and I also appreciate that you actually went to the board to explain the situation and hear what they have to say. That took a lot of courage and it says to me that you mean business. However, as you describe, there are implications that cover the spectrum for YOU and it would be with this that I feel I could maybe offer you some food for thought. To feel the “closure”, we must change our perspective of the whole damn thing. This man is a predator in every sense of the word. Once again, I am gobsmacked at the audacity and would be very interested in the details of how it all began. It simply never ceases to amaze me.
Know that I am here to support you no matter what. You are not alone in this, sister. Recovery, on this website, is considered a team effort:)
Zari xo
MommaSuz
May 23, 2016 at 3:33 pmGlad I read these 2 articles. Even though I know better, I felt like I was “planning” revenge for when we finally are apart– no idea how that could be accomplished, but the desire was there anyway. But these two articles really impressed upon me what I already knew, but needed to hear. He never fought for me over the last 31 years. He did all those things Ns do. He said the same things, acts the same way. Never was my well-being a true concern. He won’t fight for me now. Why would he suddenly see my value now? I am going to make this my mantra:
he didn’t care then, he won’t care now.
I’m 51 years old. I would say I wasted 31+ years on him, but I have six great kids, so I only truly wasted the last 10. I don’t have any more time to waste. I’m going to deny the urge to get revenge since it’s a fruitless pursuit anyway. I want to live.
Zari Ballard
June 12, 2016 at 5:22 pmMommaSuz wrote…I’m 51 years old. I would say I wasted 31+ years on him, but I have six great kids, so I only truly wasted the last 10. I don’t have any more time to waste. LOL…well that is certainly looking at the glass half full!
Hi MommaSue,
I’m sorry for the delay in responding. I love how you allow the fact that you have six great kids to be deducted from the time wasted. You’re awesome! Now, get out now, girl, so you can get on with your life. I wasted 13-years with NO deductions and I’m 54. We do, in fact, have not a single second left to waste.
Stays strong, sister! Your best revenge will be when you’re free….
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
June 12, 2016 at 5:25 pmHi MommaSue,
I had typed “half empty” in my response to your comment about the kids and the time wasted and I meant to type “half full”! I did change it but I don’t know if it will be changed on your end. Please note that:) LOL I meant that your comment was wonderfully positive:)
Zari xo
Movies989
June 12, 2016 at 6:38 pmWow!!!! I thought I was having a hard time wasting 10-15 years on a narcissist. I can’t imagine 31! I love your positive attitude that you have 6 great kids. I totally get the feeling of wanting to be fought for or valued. My narcissist did try to email me back from a different email. But it it was too late. I had been through all of the excuses and appologies too many times. Only to have the same crap start all over. It just wasn’t worth it. Plus it was weird that he would only email me instead of pick up the phone and call to talk things out. He liked the control he had over getting what he thought out on paper. And let me tell you it was creepy. Not worth a second thought. No concern for other people. Just himself and how people thought of him. Keep up the good work and the positive attitude.